All Comments on 'Love or Duty Ch. 01-02'

This is a nice teaser into whatever the story might be. A little bit of intrigue combined with a little bit of mystery usually makes for a good introduction. The problem is it is so short and you're changing tenses constantly. Please choose one tense (present or past.) and stick to it. Don't change tense.

Here's an example of changing tenses: "She was completely alone so sat on the bed. Picking up a brush that sits on her vanity, she brushes her hair, which was full of tangles." This goes from past tense ("She was...") to present ("...that sits...she brushes...") and back to past ("...which was...").

If you don't yet have an editor, I would highly suggest you get one. The editors here are great at catching stuff like this and can help you improve as a writer. As I said, you have a great premise with this and I'll look forward to reading more when you post a new chapter. :)

Does she love Dante or Tobias?

The way you introduced the brothers was confusing. I couldn't tell if the voices were in the main character's head or if they were really there because you introduced them with dialogue only and had them talking for a few lines before we even got names.

I got confused and stopped reading early, too. The tense switching is a thing to work on, but doesn't ruin it. But I had NO idea who was who! At first I thought the main character had three siblings, 2 brothers and a sister, and I had no ide who was saying what. And then you said she loves Dante then she starts making out withTobias??? She also does not seem consistently characterized.

You might have a good story, but you should definitely avail yourself of an editor/writing coach

You caught my interest... :)

Many things are off in this chapter. For example, the lady of the house can naturally never be the guest of honour, as she is not a guest at all. Also the behaviour at the party is odd, in way that was certainly not the purpose.

FaireSansa is right about the writing.