Hera Strikes Back Ch. 05

"Who could!" Hades said as he rolled his eyes. "She has been at the center of a lot of trouble over the years, you know."

"Yes, she has," Hera said with a smirk. "And all because she has all you horny little boys worked up into such an erotic frenzy. You guys let her get away with fucking murder! Honestly, I have never seen any woman; Goddess or Mortal, use her beauty as a weapon more skillfully than Helen. Honestly, if she weren't so dangerous, she would be downright admirable."

"Yeah..., she is a fucking honey, right Hephaestus," Dionysus whispered.

"Oh definitely," Hephaestus whispered back. "She has always ranked high on my list of future fuckables! Shit, she even rivals my wife Aphrodite in beauty. The forge in my toga is getting overheated up just thinking about the jugs on that babe!"

"So," Hera continued, as she stared at Hades, "before you rush off and let your balls lead you headlong into a suicidal attack on Anubis, in some sort of testosterone fueled idiotic stunt, you need to think with something above your waistline for a change. You are nearly as bad as your brother, and my husband, Zeus. And surely you see where his thinking with his dick has gotten us."

Hades scowled, and said, "That was a low blow, Hera. A very low blow."

"Perhaps, but it was accurate. Look, our powers are fading fast, Hades, including yours. We are not nearly strong enough to take on Anubis in battle..., yet."

"Yes, but—" Hades said.

"—Plus, even if you were at full strength, you know that once in their lands, you would be weaker than the Gods of Egypt anyway. What good would it do us if you were to be captured? Hmmm? Did you think about that? I am sure if you were, old Anubis would have a carnival on your purple ass!"

"Yes, but this outrage must be avenged!" Hades yelled.

"And so it shall. But, if you hadn't had your head up your wife's ass during the attack," Hera cried. She glanced over at Persephone, and said, "Sorry Persephone," before she turned to Hades and continued, "you could have defended your home and none of this would have happened!"

"Well, but—," Hades said as he blushed. "Still, Archimedes needs—,"

"—I know what Archimedes needs," Hera said. "And what he needs most is for us to survive! He will retrieve his key, and we will ensure that he does, but we must do this MY way! If I have learned anything from this war, it is that divine testicles, macho bullshit, and idiotic braggadocio have caused enough trouble. No..., this needs to be done subtly. We Gods work best through our intervention through humans, not directly."

"But we must take the war to the enemy, soon," Hades said, "our honor demands it!"

"Of course, but first, we need to repair the damage that has been done to our own people and our temples," Hera said. "Which is a good segue to the next discussions." She glanced to her left, and seeing Circe, said, "Come on up girl, and help Archimedes with his presentation."

Circe smiled and bowed as she walked forward to the top of the temple stairs.

Hera snapped her fingers in front of the still dazed Archimedes, and said, "Archimedes, you are up..., Archimedes! Archimedes pay attention! It's your cue."

"I am sorry, divinity," Archimedes said as he swallowed and turned to look at her. "I just hope that Demetrius heard some of what I said about how the ring of Chronus works. You know, he is loose in time now, and if he were to—"

"—What will be, will be," Hera said as she sighed. "It is all in the hands of the fates now. But what the fates decry at this immediate moment, is for you to tell the other Gods our plans for rapidly rebuilding our strength." Hera turned to the crowd, and said, "It is pure genius, so be prepared to be impressed."

"Yes, of course, "Archimedes said as he stepped forward to speak again.

"And remember, boy," Hera said, "KISS!"

"Right," Archimedes replied as he winked.

"Now, mighty and powerful Divinities," Archimedes said, "as you all know, the temples are destroyed and the sacrifices have dried up, and it may take decades just to rebuild them to any semblance of working order. This is, of course, an untenable situation. It is especially dire given our circumstances concerning the war. To make matters worse, according to my calculations, just in order to rebuild all of the divine manna of all of the Gods back to the levels before the attack would require an enormous number of animal sacrifices."

"How many sacrifices," Hades said.

"A number so large, divinity, it staggers my meager mortal imagination, Great God of the Dead! There would need to be 17 billion cows, 32 billion goats, 64 billion chickens and 985 billion doves, all sacrificed in a great orgy of blood-letting just to replace the manna that was lost. This unending stream of gore and death would strip all of the remaining lands of Greece of every living animal on every surviving farm. This, in turn, would create a famine so severe it would wipe out all remaining humanity from the earth. And even still, I am certain we would remain far short of the number of animal sacrifices required for replenishment."

"Well, this is not encouraging, Archimedes," Athena said, "I certainly hope there is a plan B here!"

"No, glorious Goddess of Wisdom, it is not encouraging. And even if we assume such a monumentally epic scale of slaughter were even possible, it could be done quickly enough to be of any value. You see, an average man, slaughtering 1 goat every five minutes, would take..., hold on, let me calculate this..., now if you carry the one..., and then multiple by..."

"If this is a pep talk, Hera," Hades interrupted, "it sucks!"

"Yeah, Archimedes," Hephaestus said, "I don't mean to interrupt your presentation, and I definitely would never question your numbers, but..., how does this knowledge help us? According to you, it appears mathematically impossible for us to ever recover! If that is truly the case, I think Dionysus may have had the right idea, and we should just get our drink on and enjoy the slide into oblivion!"

"I'm in!" Dionysus said as he lifted his goblet in the air.

Hera looked down at Archimedes and said, "Archimedes, honey, not that I want to interfere again, but..., you need to get need to the good part! The Gods don't need to know so much backstory, it only confuses them." She grinned as she added, "We all assume you know how to use a slide rule, and your calculations are correct. So tell them the solution..., not the problem!"

"Of course, Divinity, I am sorry," Archimedes said as he forced an enthusiastic smile on his face. "But, there is hope! And for that, I turn to Circe."

Circe smiled as she stepped forward. "Fellow Gods and Goddesses, the answer to our problem has been right under our noses the whole time."

"Oh?" Amphrite said. "How so?"

"What sacrifices does Aphrodite take in her temple?" Circe asked.

There was tittering and giggling in the crowd, before Amphrite said, "Why, lustful male seed of course."

"Exactly!" Circe said. "And, that is certainly a renewable resource, of course."

"You can say that again, eh Uncle," Dionysus said as he poked an irritated Hades in the ribs.

"And the most powerful sacrifice of this sort, is the dribbling pre-cum of an orgasm denied man. The stronger his lust and need for release, the more potent the sacrifice."

Again there was more tittering and murmuring in the crowd. "Well, if we switch to this method for sacrifice, it certainly would help out the goat population," Pethio said. "I never liked such adorable things killed on my behalf."

"Now, Demetrius captured one of the Fire Scorpions of the Egyptians that ravaged our lands," Circe said, "and discovered that the stinger causes the victim to become uncontrollably aroused and turns him into a regular seed reactor, pumping and pumping more seed each day than most men produce in a lifetime! Back on Aphrodite's island, there are at least hundred prisoners right now being teased and milked of their pre-cum by Aphrodite's acolytes. I am sure it is being most effective in the recovery project."

"Yes!" Hera said. "A fitting punishment for the bastard POWs if I must say. Milked perpetually with no release, very fitting!" Turning to Hades, she said, "See, there is always hope, my depressing Brother-in-law!"

"It is an interesting thought," Hades said. He turned to Archimedes and said, "How much pre-cum would be required to replace our manna?"

Archimedes held up his hand, took out his abacus. His fingers flew in a blur over the beads as he started his calculations. After a few minutes, he said, "Approximately, 8 trillion, 940 billion, 787 million, 450 thousand, 206 gallons. Give or take a pint or two."

"Holy fucking Mother Gaia!" Hades exclaimed. "That amount of pre-cum would take an eternity to produce, much less milk! That is even a steeper hill to climb than the animal sacrifices! How is this the fucking solution! There is no time to consider such a thing, it's impossible!"

"Well," Hera said, "Not at all." She winked as she glanced over at the Graces and said, "Euphrosyne, I hope you don't mind, but, I think we may need to impress your little private cave sanctuary into service. I am sorry I let out your little secret, but..., this is a national emergency."

"Hera! What a stupendous idea! Yes!" Euphrosyne cried. "After all, a second in the cave is ten thousand years out here! Why, if we move the prisoners to the cave, that milk can be harvested in no time. There simple is all of the time in the world for such a gargantuan task!"

"Bingo!" Hera said as she winked and placed her finger on her nose.

"But Hera," Euphrosyne said. "There is a practical matter of..., well, who would be willing to volunteer for nearly eternal milking duty." She rubbed her wrists and said, "Ay, my wrists hurt just thinking about it."

"Ah, that is where Hephaestus comes in—" Hera said.

"—What!" Hephaestus cried. "I don't know what you are hinting at, Hera, but there is no fucking way I am going to spend three trillion years giving handjobs to a bunch of Egyptian and Babylonian soldiers!"

"Well, Hephaestus," Euphrosyne said with a smirk, "Would you rather volunteer your seed then? I am sure divine seed is even more efficacious! And I am also sure we could recruit some of your Fire Nymphs to keep you edged properly and give you a trillion-year stroke! We might have to use the shackles of Hercules though, as I am sure you will get a bit twitchy after being denied for a million years or so."

Hera stifled a giggle, as she said, "No, no, you are not listening, Hephaestus. You did not let me finish. Archimedes, this most ingenious of all men, has drawn up a blueprint for a wonderful automatic milking machine. He claims that once created, it will operate continuously, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, teasing and stroking every last drop of denied pre-cum out of the prisoners with no intervention. Then, it will collect it all safely in a giant tank to be retrieved at our discretion. Now, his design is very complex, as even the best concubine in Babylon occasionally strokes too hard and inadvertently causes an orgasm, so there will need to be some special monitoring devices installed. Frankly, it is all above me, but it will require your engineering services back on Vesuvius."

"Genius!" Hephaestus said. Turning to Archimedes, he added, "So, you think it will work? I mean, in order to only harvest pre-cum and not accidently trigger an orgasm will require quite a delicate machine."

"Well, Divinity," Archimedes said, "The..., uh..., ass fucking chair you had me build gave me the idea. You see, if we rig the sensors to pick up on the —"

"—Oh shit! Ares!" Hephaestus cried. "I forgot all about him." He laughed as he added, "Well, serves that fucker right."

"Ares?" Hera said. "I don't understand."

"It's a long story, and very funny, but Dionysus explained the mix up," Hephaestus said as he looked over at Dionysus and winked. He smirked, and added, "Let me text Talos and have him bring him immediately."

Hera said, "I am confused, what is this all about?"

Dionysus said, "Well, our little God of War is safely deposited back in the bowels of Vesuvius. In his mad quest to fuck Demetrius, by disguising himself as the human, it appears it was he that got fucked. Quite literally. In the ASS! Oh, how I am going to love giving him shit about this for centuries."

"OK, I sent Talos the text," Hephaestus said. "I am sure he will be here soon with our sore, and chastened, War God." He laughed as he added, "I am sure once Ares' ass cools down, he will be well enough soon to join in the fight."

"I won't ask," Hera glowered, "but, I do hope he arrives soon. We really do need all hands on deck, and especially from him, the God of War. But..., to the matter at hand. Do you think you will be able to construct the machines Archimedes has designed?"

"Certainly, Queen Hera," Hephaestus said. "Archimedes is my loyal follower, and we work very well together. I am quite anxious to begin."

A few minutes later, a loud clanking of bronze filled the air, and when Hephaestus looked up into the sky, and saw the form of Talos rushing towards the Acropolis from a distance, he smiled, and said, "And look, my servant has already arrived, and I am sure he has Ares with him. I can't wait to give that little fucker a hard time about his mechanical ass reaming!"

*****

When Rosalita opened the back door to receive the expected delivery, and the blistering heat of the Phoenix sun rushed inside, pouring over her cool flesh like a blast furnace, she winced. God summers in Arizona suck. Squinting as her eyes adjusted to the blazing sun, her face fell when she saw who had rung the bell. It was not the Avocado delivery she had expected.

"What in the fuck are you doing here, Bill?" Rosalita said.

"Now, just hear me out," Bill replied. "I have been calling you and calling you, and you have not returned any of my calls or texts!"

"Gee, I wonder why?" Rosalita replied as she rolled her eyes. "You don't take a fucking hint easily, do you, boy?" Her eyes narrowed as she saw his handsome and charming, but perpetually lying face, and said, "God, I must have been fucking hit in the head with a rock to have fallen for all of your bullshit all that time."

"Hey, that hurts," Bill said as he looked at her with his trademark puppy dog eyes.

Oh he was a smooth one, he was, and a real hottie. All of Rosalita's friends had been so envious when they she went out with the man they all nicknamed iron buns. They were less considerably less envious when they discovered he was the biggest fucking cheater of all times.

"But listen, I am sorry about everything," Bill said. "And..., well, I am worried about you. No one has seen you for weeks, and I think we should talk."

"I have been busy," Rosalita said as she started to close the door. "And the time for talking is over. You really should just go. I am working now, and as you can see, I am quite busy!" She started to close the door, when it stopped. Bill put his foot in the jam, and blocked her.

"Yeah, I can see that," he said as he glanced down at Rosalita's uniform. She was hot as ever, and this new uniform was most alluring and somehow made her even more scorching. Gone was the "Tico's Towering Temple of Tacos" extra tight white T-shirt and orange shorts. It had been replaced with a black and purple silk dress, extremely and delightfully short, that showed off all of Rosalita's considerable charms. The fabric of the dress looked almost iridescent in the bright sun, changing colors every time she moved.

Bill had to smile as this new uniform made his Ex look even hotter than before, and that was something, as she was already achingly beautiful. It hugged her suckable body like a glove, and her delicious cleavage, which he truly missed the most, was on full display. He cocked his head, when he noticed she was wearing a jade necklace around her neck, of some sort of..., statue?

"By the way, I love the new look!" Bill said. "I never knew Tico had such good taste."

"Thanks," Rosalita said as she started to close the door again. "Now, if you don't mind, I need to get back to work. We are very busy today."

"Yeah, that is what I was worried about. I mean, what gives with this place. I have been driving by for weeks now, and..., what the hell is Tico doing? He has changed everything!"

"Don't stalk me, Bill," Rosalita said. "It's fucking creepy. And as for Tico, well...," she said as she smirked, "He has taken on a new partner, so to speak."

"I am not stalking you, but, like I said, I am worried about you. No one in the old neighborhood has heard from you for weeks. They all say you are spending all of your time down here, and then, when I saw what was happening at the restaurant, I had to wonder." Bill shook his head, and added, "I mean, with all of the windows now tinted, no one can see in, it seems kind of shady. And the new name Tico has chosen is, well, odd to say the least."

"I like it," Rosalita said. "And, we definitely get a better clientele now," she added with a smirk.

"Yeah, but, who is this Hecate? Is this some sort of weird Wicca deal? I mean, to go from "Tico's Towering Temple of Tacos", to, "Goddess Hecate's Temple of Wisdom", seems very odd. What sort of food is sold in there?" He raised his eyebrows and added, "Or, has Tico finally decided to turn this place into a strip club. That would explain the windows, and, God knows, you would make a lot of tips," he said as he leered into her chest.

"Hecate is a..., well, let's just say she is Tico's new partner. But really Bill, I have to get back to work. I appreciate your concern, but, after all the shit that happened to us, and what you did, it had to end. I am not mad anymore, and, I really do wish you well. But..., you really have to go now."

Bill, unable to tear his eyes away from Rosalita's chest, added, "And this name tag on your uniform. What does it mean? It says you are a High Priestess now. What the fuck is that all about? I hope you are not involved in some sort of weird cult, or something."

"It's not a cult, Bill," Rosalita sighed. "Now, are we done here? I have work I have to—"

"—I just want to talk to you alone for a minute," Bill said as he reached forward and grabbed Rosalita's arm. His face grinned with his famous shit-eating smirk, as he said, "Look, let me buy you a drink. I have known your boss Tico for ages, and I know he won't care. He is a good egg. Let me buy you a drink and we can just talk. I know we can work this out."

"I don't think that is a good idea," Rosalita said.

"But hey, suppose I just want to check out the new décor," Bill said as he raised his eyebrows. "You can't stop that, I am a customer after all! And..., if it just so happens you and I chat while I am eating one of Tico's famous chalupas, well, how could he object?"

"Bill," Rosalita said, "Look, I know you are not really a bad guy, and, I do want what's best for you, despite everything you have done. So..., take my friendly advice here. Do not come inside, just turn around and go home. Really, I am telling you, as a friend, it is not a good idea for you to visit me here."

"Listen Rosalita...," Bill said, "I need to explain something that will change your mind. I don't know what your bitchy friends told you, but, you need to listen to my side of the story." He paused before adding, "You must know I had no idea that Carmelita was your sister. I admit, I was a cheating fuck in the past, but I have changed! I swear on my mother's life. If I had known she was your sister, I would never have—"

"—Carmelita? I was told it was my cousin Dinora you fucked behind my back," Rosalita glowered.

"Oh..., yeah..., well, let me rephrase this. If I had known Dinora was your—"

"—You know, Bill," Rosalita said as a creepy grin crawled across her face. "On second thought..., perhaps you should come inside. I am convinced. You are right. We do need to talk. We need to have a long, long, LONG talk!"