Hero's Lament Ch. 01

"I...I just find this so hard to believe," lamented his secretary with a sigh. "If there's anything Brad or I can do..."

"Thanks, Char; I wish there was but there's nothing anyone can do at this point." With those parting words he turned and disappeared behind his office door.

The rest of the day was pretty productive. Tyler was able to focus better now that he seemed to be getting control of things again. Between the work flow, he thought about the kids and decided it would be better to tell them over the weekend. That way they'd have a day or two before having to go back to school.

Next he thought about an apartment. There was a new complex that opened a couple months earlier. He drove right by it on his way to work every day. It was about half-way between work and his home...perfect. He decided he'd stop in on his lunch hour later in the week and see what they had to offer.

Char poked her head in the doorway. "Tyler, it's almost five. Is there anything you need before I go?"

In disbelief, he glanced at the clock on his desk. The day seemed to be over before it started. "No thanks, Char, everything's good. I'll see you tomorrow."

She told him again how sorry she was and reiterated she was there if he needed her, then retreated back to her office, covered her computer screen and left for home.

Tyler wasn't so anxious. Home wasn't home anymore. It was just a place to eat and sleep. Well, that wasn't exactly true. He still got to play with the kids. He took a deep sigh and tried to relax. Tyler needed somewhere to think but drowning his sorrows in some bar just wasn't his style. He wanted solitude; someplace where he could be alone with his thoughts.

He remembered a small patch of rocky beach along Lake Michigan where he used to go as a kid. He wondered if it was still there, then he wondered if he could even find it again. Hell, he thought, even if I could find it everything is probably all built up around there. I doubt it still offers the seclusion it once did. Still...

Tyler found a safe place to park the car and got out to look around. He spotted only two homes that he didn't remember. To his surprise the field was still there and the sounds of the surf just beyond the ridge took him back twenty-five years. For a few minutes he forgot why he was there. Almost child-like he trekked through the tall, windswept grass until he stood atop the crest leading down to the shore. God, he said to himself, it's still there—just like it was so many years ago.

He leaned to one side and steadied himself with his hand as he made his way down the steep decline. It was almost as if he was frozen in time. Tyler climbed up on the big rock and sat just as he'd done as boy. He closed his eyes and felt the breeze wafting from the lake and blowing through his hair. The only sound was the surf lapping at the rocks and the air had a clean, fresh scent.

It was the first time since Saturday that Tyler was able to push aside his anger and be human again. He slumped back against the hard granite and looked down at the water's foam pushing its way up the sand. He thought back to happier times. An unconscious smile stretch across his lips as he remembered seeing his son wrapped in his mother's arms for the very first time.

A tidal wave of memories followed. They had built such a full, wonderful life together; a life of love and passion, of happiness and sorrows, of defeats and triumphs, a life he envisioned that they would continue to build and share until the end of their days.

For a moment he became annoyed with himself for allowing his anger to fade—its absence created a void, a void that grief, disappointment, self-doubt, humiliation, and heartache rushed to fill. He dropped his head in his hands and sobbed.

It was a little after eight o'clock by the time Tyler returned home.

"Daddy, daddy, you're late," LeAnn announced as she ran up and jumped into her father's arms. "Mommy was worried about you."

"She was? Well, daddy's a big boy, you know. It's okay for him to be late once in a while," he said jokingly. "Did you do your homework?"

"Yup," she happily replied, "it's all done. Mommy helped me."

"She did? She's such a nice mommy, isn't she."

LeAnn nodded her head emphatically.

Still holding his young daughter, Tyler wrinkled his nose and made her laugh by nuzzling behind her ear while making grunting noises. It was almost a ritual—one he was going to miss tremendously.

He set LeAnn down and walked into the kitchen. Chris was sitting at the table, hovering over his own homework.

"How was your day," asked Tyler as he laid a hand on his son's shoulder.

"It was okay. I got a "B" on that algebra test."

"Great job, you need any help with what you're working on?" Tyler proudly asked.

"No thanks, dad, I've got it covered."

Tyler playfully mussed his son's hair as he looked up at his nervous wife. She gave him a small smile. "Are you hungry? I just put dinner away but I can warm it up in no time."

"Just a little," he replied. "I'm not very hungry."

Later, that evening he made sure he read LeAnn's favorite bedtime story to her. As he finished and bent down to kiss her goodnight, his heart saddened knowing how precious those moments would be in the future.

When Tyler returned to the living room he found Nancy on the couch. He walked over and sat beside her. He bowed his head and spoke quietly.

"I...I don't understand. You, LeAnn, Chris—you're my whole world. In all the years we've know each other, I've never once put you or the kids second in my life...never. Why? Is he so much better in bed? Is that it? I...I know I said I didn't care before but I have to know why."

Nancy was overwhelmed with guilt and remorse. Again, tears flooded her eyes as her mind spun with pain from her husband's caustic plea for an explanation.

"Oh please, please, Tyler, stop, I beg you," she cried softly. "No, no, no, he wasn't better in bed, in fact... Oh God Tyler, I never meant to hurt you...NEVER!" she emphasized. "You have to believe that. I love you! I love you so very much."

"That's what you keep saying, Nancy, but your actions say something different. We made a commitment to each other-forsake all others; remember? We swore and oath to each other. We swore to love, honor, and cherish one another until death do us part; having an affair, screwing other men-what kind of way is that to honor my love for you? I...I..."

For the second time he felt his eyes welling with pain. He looked away from his wife just in time for a lonely tear to break free and start to trickle down his face. Tyler quickly rubbed it away.

"I love you too, Nancy; and when this is all over I'm sure I'll still love you, but you've broken the trust, the bond between us that says we belong to each other and no one else. God, Nancy, you broke my heart-whether you meant to or not, you did. I have to know why. I have to know how it happened."

She took a deep breath and hoped she could explain things in a way that would spare her husband as much pain as possible. "Tyler, I've done so much soul searching and it's still hard for even me to understand. It wasn't any one thing. I think it was a lot of little things.

"Kevin started coming over when they put him on nights. At first I think it was just to have somebody listen to him bitch. He hated the night shift and for the first few days all he did was vent. After a while, he learned to live with it but was still coming over two or three times a week. I enjoyed his company and started looking forward to his visits. I was so lonely and he was someone to talk to...an adult. This went on for a couple of weeks, Tyler, and it was all very innocent."

"Innocent?"

"Yes, in the beginning there was no thought of doing anything, at least not on my end."

Tyler broke in. "If that was true then why didn't you tell me he was coming over? You never ever mentioned it."

"I know. I thought about telling you but you never seemed to really like him. You were neighborly but it was more like you just tolerated him; not to mention the fact that I knew how you would feel about me being alone with a man in the house. I was afraid you'd tell him not to come over anymore.

"Now I wish that had been exactly how it played out, but at the time I saw nothing wrong with having some company during the day. We talked about family life, world affairs, politics, local issues...anything and everything. But then he started talking about sex and what he and Susan did in the bedroom. I told him it was none of my business but he seemed to dwell on it. He liked to brag about how many times he could get her to cum and how long he could last. I was very uncomfortable with the conversations at first, but after a while it just kind of became part of our regular repertoire.

"Then he started making crude remarks about me. According to him they were compliments. He'd say things like I had a really fine ass, and my tits were to die for...things like that. Then he got even more brazen and started telling me what he'd like to do to me in bed. I should have stopped it, I know. It wasn't right to let a man talk to me like that, but...well, I've never had anyone talk to me like that before. It just seemed like a little naughty fun and we weren't really hurting anyone."

Tyler was having a hard time listening but it was what he needed to hear. "You had to know what he was leading up to, Nancy."

"No...well, I guess maybe I did in the back of my mind, but I just figured I wouldn't let it go that far. Then one day I was wiping off the counter with my back to him. I was wearing a pair of shorts, nothing sexy—I think it was my green ones. You've seen them, there's nothing sexy about them. Anyway, Kevin snuck up behind me. I didn't even know he was there until he reached around and slid his hand down my shorts and inside my panties. I tried to struggle but he had me pinned up against the counter. I yelled at him, I warned him to stop but instead he took his other hand and undid the button on the side and pulled the zipper down so he had more room. He had his hand all way down to my crotch and was fingering me. It...it was like I was in shock, I couldn't believe what was happening. For a minute I thought he was going to rape me.

"I finally got my wits about me again and managed to pull his hand out of my pants. Then I got enough room to turn around and slap him...hard. He got angry and stormed out without saying a word. I...I thought of telling you but you would have just gone over there and beat the crap out of him and I didn't want to cause trouble between him and Susan so I didn't say anything."

Nancy heard her husband sigh but so far he was still listening so she continued.

"The first week he didn't come back I thought good riddens, but by the second week I was starting to miss his company. The third week I was really feeling lonely again. Even with all the crude talk I missed our conversations. After a month I was sorry I slapped him.

"After five or six weeks, I was sitting at the kitchen table feeling sorry for myself again when I heard the front door. I looked up and saw Kevin walking in. He didn't even knock. I didn't realize it but I'm sure I must have been smiling because he knew I was glad to see him. I think it made him just all that much bolder. He sat down and asked for a cup of coffee. I put a cup on the table in front of him and started to pour. When I did he reached out and started to run his hand up my leg, under my dress.

"I stepped back and told him he can't do that. It was wrong, we were both married. He told me to look around. He said the kids were in school, all the neighbors were at work; who the hell was ever going to know. He grabbed ahold of my dress and pulled me closer. I knew if I stopped him again he'd leave and probably not come back. I was so torn as to what to do. I tried to do the right thing, I really did. I told him if he didn't behave himself he'd have to leave but somehow he knew it was an empty threat. In the end I just stood there while he felt me up.

"I'm so sorry, Tyler," she said as she started to cry again. "I...I know I never should have let him do that. I just couldn't bear the thought of being all alone again, so..."

"So you let him fuck you," Tyler said, finishing her sentence for her.

Nancy just nodded her head as the tears flowed. "Be...before I knew it," she said between sobs, "I was bending over the table with Kevin taking me from behind." With that she broke out blubbering uncontrollably.

Tyler got up and headed for the kitchen to get her some water. As he stood at the sink waiting for the glass to fill he wondered if that had been the only time they'd fucked. If so maybe he could forgive her, maybe they could find a way back to each other...maybe with help...counseling...

On the way back into the living room he thought about asking her if it was only that once, but he wasn't sure she wouldn't lie to him. Quickly he came up with a better plan; one that would probably render the truth. Tyler returned to his crying wife's side. "Here, drink some water," he said, handing her the glass.

Nancy took a few sips and dried her eyes. She was starting to calm down.

"So, that was the first time then things escalated from there," he stated, not as a question but as a matter of fact. He held his breath, hoping she would refute his assumption of more fuck sessions but his last ounce of hope was dashed as he watched her slowly nodding her head.

"That night I felt so guilty. I swore I'd never let Kevin touch me again..."

"Then why did you? My God, woman, how could you keep fucking him like that?"

"I don't know. Like I said, it was a bunch of things. As ashamed and guilty as I felt, I had built up some resentment about you not letting me work. Even though you were never to find out, in my own mind it was a way of punishing you—getting back at you. I told myself I had been vulnerable and it was your fault. There was something else, too. I had never had anyone be that aggressive with me...to just take me sexually like that. There was a sense of daring. We had done something evil and had gotten away with it. It was like taking a bite of the apple," she replied.

"Apple...what apple, what the hell are you talking about?" he asked, desperately trying to understand her motives.

"The forbidden fruit—like in Adam and Eve. It...it was...I don't know...intoxicating in a way. Even though we knew we would never get caught there was always that small element of danger involved. It made it exciting."

"But you did get caught, didn't you," he said with the pain returning in his voice.

His sad statement brought on another round of tears as Nancy validated his statement by nodding her head again.

"That day he cut himself brought it all home. I stood there watching and thought of how ironic it was for you to be saving the life of the man who was screwing your wife. I asked myself how I could have betrayed you like that. The guilt was overbearing. When we got back to the house, I was having a tough time holding it together. I knew I'd never let him touch me again and I thought he'd have enough of a conscience to think the same way. I couldn't believe it when he said he wanted to pick up where we left off. Then, when you came flying off the porch like that and I knew you had heard us, I wanted to die. I can't even image how deeply I've hurt you, Tyler. God-that was the last thing in the world I ever wanted to happen."

"You do realize there's no going back from this, Nancy."

Her shoulders slumped, her head bowed, and her eyes closed with the sound of her happy home-life coming to a close. "I know," was all she could manage to get out.

"I wasn't going to mention it until I had the papers in my hand but there's no sense in stalling. I saw a lawyer today. We hashed out a settlement that I think is more than fair, under the circumstances."

Nancy broke into hysterics, brought her knees to her chest and slumped to the corner of the couch in the fetal position. It was the moment of truth for both of them. There was no more to be said.

Unknown to the two miserable souls in the living room, there was one more heart that was crushed at that moment, it belonged to their twelve year old son who had been listening from the stairwell.

About the only thing Tyler accomplished the next day at work was to rent an apartment on his lunch hour. It was a little more money than he was looking to spend but it was all new construction, had a big, beautiful indoor pool, and the units were spacey. He was hoping for a three bedroom so LeAnn and Chris would each have their own room but all they had were two bedrooms. Tyler decided Chris would have his own room and LeAnn could sleep in his bed. He'd sleep on the couch when they came over. A wave of depression overtook him as Tyler drove out of the complex realizing he was now one step closer to dissolving his marriage.

On his way home he found it hard to keep his mind on driving. He kept wishing there was some way to turn the clock back. Of course as soon as he walked in the door LeAnn greeted her dad with open arms. He picked her up and forced a broad smile before giving his pumpkin a kiss on the cheek.

"How's my princess today?" he asked, staring into her angelic face.

"Fine," she replied wrapping her arms around his neck and giving him a big squeeze.

He looked around for Chris but didn't see him. Just then Nancy walked in from the kitchen.

"Where's Chris?"

"He's up in his room. I don't know if he doesn't feel well or he senses something but he's been awful quiet. It probably wouldn't hurt to go up and see what's bothering him."

"I'll do it right now," he said, setting LeAnn down. "Honey, why don't you go and help your mother set the table while daddy goes up stairs, okay?"

While his daughter ran in the kitchen to help her mom, Tyler climbed the stairs and knocked on his son's door. When he heard Chris' voice he entered.

"Hey, son, your mother says you've been really quiet. She's wondering if you're sick."

Chris was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. He didn't even look at his dad as he answered. "No, I'm okay."

Nancy was right; something was wrong. Tyler walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. He looked Chris in the face. "Come on, Chris, out with it. What's wrong? Did something happen at school?"

"No," Chris snapped back, "I told you, nothing..." his eyes shifted to look at this dad. "What do you think is wrong? You and mom are getting a divorce. I heard you talking last night. Am I supposed to feel good about that?" he asked with cynicism.

"Oh, Chris, I'm so sorry you heard us. I was going to break it to you and your sister as gently as I could, Saturday after breakfast. Please don't tell LeAnn anything yet."

"Why," asked Chris, his eyes clouding with tears. "I know you're mad but you'll get over it sometime. Why do you have to get a divorce? Why can't you just forgive her? I know you could if you tried hard enough." Chris threw his arms around his dad and the two embraced like they hadn't in years. By the time they broke apart, Chris wasn't the only one with blurry vision.

He had to somehow make Chris understand. "Chris, I wish it was that easy, son, I really do. I know she didn't mean to hurt me but she did, very much."

Chris felt he had to defend his mom. "I know. She had sex with Mr. Cermak, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love you anymore."

"I know, Chris, I know she loves me, and I love her..."

"Then why can't you stay together," interjected the desperate twelve year old.

His son's plea was breaking his heart. How was he ever going to make him understand? "Chris, sometimes love isn't enough. There are other factors that make up a marriage. Making love is the purest, most intimate and personal way for two people to share and express their devotion for each other. It forges a bond that says 'I belong to you and no one else.' When one of them breaks that bond, when one of them has sex with someone else they can no longer claim they are exclusive to one another and that intimacy is lost forever."