Hero's Lament Ch. 01

Chris continued to argue. "Dad, it doesn't make sense. You still love each other. You just told me that."

"Son, it's because I love your mother so much that makes what she did hurt so bad. I know, like I said, I know she didn't mean to, but every time I look at her I'm reminded of what she did and the hurt and the anger comes right back. Whenever I think about her and Kevin together it feels like my heart is going to shatter into a million pieces. I can't go through the rest of my life like that, Chris, I can't."

He was starting to see some understanding in his son's face. Now he had to try and boost his spirits if he could. "I'm going to be living just a couple miles down the street. When you need me you just call and I'll be here within minutes. I'm always going to be your dad, but there will be changes. Your mother is going to have to get a job so you'll be the man of the house. Think you can handle that?"

Chris assured his dad he would accept whatever responsibility was expected of him. Again they hugged—each one trying to reassure the other.

"I am so proud of you," bragged Tyler. "Come on; let's go see what mom made for dinner."

For the next few days, even LeAnn's childlike enthusiasm for life couldn't penetrate the somber atmosphere that loomed. On Thursday, after the kids were in bed, Tyler called Nancy to the kitchen table. He had warned her about the meeting and what it was about earlier in the evening so her eyes were already glistening with tears before she even sat down.

Tyler pulled the divorce papers from his briefcase and started going over everything that the lawyer and he had worked out. After explaining everything to her in detail, Nancy agreed that he was being more than generous. Now the only thing that remained was breaking it to LeAnn.

When Tyler walked into his office the following day he looked even more despondent than he had all week. In a sad voice, he greeted Charlene and started to pour a cup of coffee; his usual routine before disappearing behind his door for another day in the trenches.

"Do you want to talk?" asked Char.

He thought for a moment before answering. Other than the brief exchange between him and Charlene on Monday, the only person he talked to was the damn lawyer...maybe it was time to get it off his chest. "Why don't you grab yourself a cup of coffee, Char, and come on in—and close the door behind you," he told her as he turned in the direction of his office.

A couple minutes later she took a seat opposite Tyler's desk and allowed him to start.

"I just wish I was a different person, Char. I...I wish there was some way I could look past all this...forgive and forget, you know."

Charlene took a sip of her coffee but didn't say anything yet. She was there to listen, not give advice.

"This is going to be so hard on the kids. Chris already knows what's going on but we haven't told LeAnn yet." Tyler looked off into space with a blank stare. "God, Char," he said, shaking his head. "I just can't believe she did this to us."

He was in so much pain Charlene had to at least try... "Tyler, this divorce is obviously something no one wants. It's only been a week. Maybe you should take more time to think things over when you're not hurting so bad. Have you considered marriage counseling? Something...anything; this is tearing you up inside, I can only imagine the way Nancy feels."

"Believe me, Char," he commented with a slight sigh. "I've thought, and thought, and thought about counseling. If I believed it'd do any good I wouldn't hesitate, but she didn't just screw that son-of-a-bitch once, she did it again and again. She was getting off knowing she was getting away with it; the forbidden apple she called it. She told me that even though neither of them ever thought they'd get caught, there was still a touch of danger involved. That's what made the sex so exciting. How could I ever trust her again? I know she regrets it all now, but if we stayed together, what about next year, or the year after. What if she craves that excitement again? No," he said shaking his head, "I couldn't live with that hanging over my head, Char.

"If she had too much to drink and has sex with him because of it, or even if he had caught her at a vulnerable moment of some kind..." He let his words hang while he fought to keep his emotions under control. "I...I just keep reliving the way I felt when I heard them talking in the yard. Char, I'd never felt so crushed in my life...so lost. I don't think I've ever been so angry either. Here I save the guy's life and..."

"Oh my God," Charlene almost screamed. "Him? That's who Nancy was sleeping with? The guy whose life you saved?"

"Yeah. He lives right across the street. He works nights so he was coming over to the house when everyone else was at work."

"No wonder they thought they'd never get caught," Char commented.

"Exactly," replied Tyler. "He came over last Saturday to tell Nancy the doctor gave him the okay to start screwing her again. They couldn't see me. I was behind the screen door and overheard the whole thing. I damn near killed the S.O.B. right in the front yard."

Charlene sighed. She knew her boss well enough to know he couldn't accept Nancy's cheating. She felt so helpless. What could she do to ease his pain...nothing. "When are you going to tell LeAnn?"

This time Tyler sighed deeply. "Tomorrow," he answered. "I figure that will give her a couple days to grieve before going back to school."

"Did you tell me there was a pool at the complex where you rented the apartment?"

"Yeah, it's indoors too. The kids will be able to enjoy it all year," remarked Tyler.

Char had an idea. "Why not bring them over there tomorrow. Let Chris and LeAnn look around—go swimming. Then you can tell LeAnn she can stay there on weekends. Maybe she won't take so hard."

For the first time all day, a smile stretched across Tyler's face. "Char, that's a great idea," he responded, then stopped to think. "I kind of want Nancy there though when I tell her. LeAnn will probably want the comforting arms of her mother."

"Well, bring her along. Is there any reason why you don't want Nancy to see the apartment?"

"No-well I don't have any furniture yet, but other than that... Yeah, that's a good idea. Thanks, Char."

Tyler told Nancy the plan after the kids went to bed that night. She liked it too, so the next morning, after breakfast Tyler announced they were all going for a ride in the car and told the kids to grab their swimming suits. Chris had a good idea what was coming but LeAnn had no clue and was all excited. On the way over, it struck Tyler that it would probably be one of the last things they did as a family. He fought hard against letting his tears show in front of his kids.

Tyler gave everyone a short tour of the complex, first. There were tennis courts and permanently mounted gas grills in a little park area. He used his key to take them into the clubhouse where the pool was. Both LeAnn and Chris were impressed.

"Who wants to go swimming?" asked their dad.

"Me," LeAnn answered excitedly.

"Okay. You guys have to change into your suits. Follow me."

Tyler walked everyone across a small, open area and into one of the buildings. Again he used his key to gain access to apartment one-twenty three. LeAnn wondered why her dad had the keys to the place but she was too excited about the pool to ask at the moment.

He let the kids use the empty bedrooms to change then they were off. They had the whole place completely to themselves as Tyler and Nancy sprawled out in the folding lounge chairs alongside the pool and watched as their children enjoyed themselves.

"Who's going tell her?" asked a sad and worried mother.

"I'll do it," answered Tyler. "I have some paper plates and cups in the kitchen cabinets and pop in the fridge. I thought I'd call out for pizza when the kids are done swimming and we could just sit on the floor in the living room—like a picnic. I'll tell her after we eat. I want to try and show her we can still have a good time together."

As carefully as Tyler had things laid out, it didn't go as planned. Before the young inquisitive girl even shed her wet bathing suit, her curiosity caught up to her. "Daddy, who lives here?" LeAnn asked after returning to the apartment.

This was the dreaded moment all parents fear; the moment when you have to tell your child something you know will break their heart. Tyler took a deep breath and glanced at his wife as he mustered all the courage he could.

Nancy found it hard to contain her own emotions as she caught the expression of her soon-to-be ex and could literally see the pain racing through his veins.

"Well, princess," he started, "I'm going to be living here and you and your brother can come over on the weekends and play in the pool and..."

"NO, NO DADDY, I WON'T LET YOU. YOU HAVE TO STAY WITH US...YOU HAVE TO!" she yelled while running up and throwing her arms around his waist. Immediately LeAnn's eyes overflowed. Even at the tender age of eight, she knew there were problems between her mom and dad but Chris told her it would be alright and she believed him.

Chris wiped the moisture from his eyes. "Dad, dad please; can't you and mom make up?"

Nancy had to turn her back on the heartbreaking scene. She grabbed a tissue from her purse to wipe away her own tears.

Tyler hugged his little girl and silently prayed for understanding from his kids. He wasn't sure what was worse, the way he felt when he heard Kevin talking the other day, or the way he felt at the present moment. Either way, once more his soul was being ripped from his chest.

Regaining her composure, Nancy went down on one knee and called to her daughter. "Come here, baby."

LeAnn turned and ran to the arms of her mother. Nancy could feel her young body shake as she sobbed. "It's going to be alright, honey. You're going to see your dad almost as much as you do now. He's still your dad, honey. He's always going to be you dad, that'll never change."

Chris took the opportunity to run over and hug his father.

For the next thirty minutes they all cried, hugged, and assured each other things will be okay. Tyler promised he would stop by the house now and then and have dinner with them. He pledged he'd always be available for help with homework or anything else they needed him for, and assured them he was not abandoning them.

Tyler finally got the pizza ordered and by the time it arrived everyone had calmed down but the air dripped of sadness.

"When are you moving, dad?" asked Chris on the way back to the house.

"Well, I ordered two new beds but I'll have to find some used furniture. I can't afford to buy all new. The beds will be delivered on Tuesday. I saw a used couch and bedroom set in the paper I thought I'd go check out tomorrow. So, I guess I'll move in as soon as the place becomes livable," he told them.

"Can LeAnn and I go with you tomorrow?"

"Sure."

And so started the transition from a happy family to a broken home; the process was slow and painful. Many nights, as they lay in bed trying to get to sleep, unknowingly to all, LeAnn and Chris joined their mother in silent prayers that they would somehow become a family again, but as time passed the prayers gave way to acceptance.

***

The papers were filed. Tyler was all moved into his own apartment. Now it was just a matter of time. Nancy was determined to stand on her own two feet as soon as possible. She had screwed up. The breakup of her marriage was no one's fault but her own; she knew it and was taking responsibility for it. She was not going to allow herself to be a burden on Tyler.

His settlement offer included paying for some college courses so she could get a head start landing a job. She gladly accepted his offer to help her find the right courses and an accredited school. Together they found a course called, "Business Management & Administration." The curriculum was well rounded but also very extensive and Tyler wondered if she could handle it. He was sure he'd be over to help three people with their homework instead of two.

Nancy signed up, but classes didn't start for another six weeks. She was desperate to find something to do in the meantime. If she had to stay home with nothing to do but think of how she betrayed her husband and ruined her marriage she'd go mad.

***

Across the street, Susan Cermak, in spite of her husband's begging for mercy, was also in the process of a divorce. Kevin tried calling her several times at work and even came to the house a few times to basically plead temporary insanity. He swore he was a changed man but Susan wasn't buying it. When his constant appeals for reconciliation became too much for her, Sue slapped him with a restraining order.

Kevin was a beaten man. He'd lost the only woman who ever loved him. Spending the weekends at the bar across the street from the motel where he was still staying was now common-place and the number of drinks he consumed during that time was increasing.

On top of it all he could still feel Tyler's fingers around his throat. He remembered how it felt to gasp for a breath and the look in Tyler's eyes still haunted his nightmares. He was growing more and more paranoid, believing Tyler was still planning to kill him. On his way home from work one day, he bought a gun and started sleeping with it under his pillow.

***

As the weeks passed, routines started to take form. Nancy started school and got home every day about the same time as the kids, but her time with them was short. She had found a job waitressing in a little restaurant near the industrial end of town. She started out working days but most of the factories had a second shift so as soon as she started classes she was able to change her hours. The night-time lunch rush was from seven to nine in the evening so she filled in from six to eleven, Monday through Friday. The place didn't look like much, but in fact, Nancy made pretty good money.

It actually couldn't have worked out better because Tyler came over and spent the evening with the kids while Nancy was at work. Of course Chris and LeAnn would have loved to have their parents back together but they were happy with the arrangement because they got to see both their mom and dad a lot.

***

It didn't happen too often but traffic was light so Nancy actually beat the kids home from school. She stopped quickly at the edge of the drive and grabbed the mail before heading inside. She dropped several envelopes on the kitchen table and made a B-line for the coffee maker—after a pretty rough day in school she needed it badly.

While the pot was brewing that magic elixir she sat down to see if the mailman brought anything of importance. Junk-mail, junk-mail... Suddenly her hand froze. She felt as if an arrow had pierced her heart. There it was; in big, bold letters. The return address was, 'Clerk of the Circuit Court of Cook County.' Her hands shook as she opened it and unfolded its contents. It was the last nail in her coffin. Her marriage was officially over.

Even after all those months it hit her hard. Nancy dropped her face into her hands and started to sob, heavily. She was still at it when LeAnn and Chris walked in.

"Mom," LeAnn yelled.

"Mom, what's wrong," followed Chris.

They both surrounded her with hugs.

Nancy was embarrassed and angry that she let her children find her like that. She immediately wiped away the tears and tried pulling herself together.

"I...I'm sorry, kids," she said while quickly refolding the bad news. "I just felt a little sad, that's all. It's nothing—really," she said, trying her best to reassure their concerns. When she stood up she gathered the mail together, sliding the important piece underneath the pile to hide it. "I'm going to run upstairs and change, guys." When she looked back she saw the worry that lingered in their faces. She forced a small smile. "I'm okay...honest."

Nancy dropped everything on her dresser and closed her bedroom door. She sat on the edge of the bed and took a couple deep breaths. She knew it was going to happen. It wasn't like she still held any hope. She'd lived with the knowledge and the consequences of her actions for months. It was just...just that it was now so final. She bowed her head and moisture welled up in her eyes again. "Tyler, I'm so sorry," she mumbled to herself. "I'm so very, very sorry."

The distraught woman took a shower then stiffened her backbone to go down and face her kids. After dinner, Tyler showed up and Nancy left for work.

"Mommy was crying today," blabbed LeAnn as she snuggled into her dad on the couch.

"She was? What was she crying about?"

"This," Chris said, handing his dad a piece of paper.

"Where'd you get this?" inquired Tyler.

"It was on mom's dresser. I know I shouldn't have snooped but I wanted to see what made her so sad."

Tyler unfolded it and looked. "Oh," he commented with a little sadness himself. "I haven't gotten mine yet. It'll probably be in tomorrow's mail."

"What is it," LeAnn asked.

"It just says that mommy and daddy are officially divorced, honey. It doesn't change anything though. Don't worry, everything will be the same as it has been for the last few months."

***

Nancy was working the counter and just pouring coffee for one of the regulars when she saw him walk in. She almost didn't recognize him. He had put on a lot of weight, most of which was hanging over his belt buckle. His hair was shaggy and looked like it hadn't been cut in a month or more. His face was puffy and he had dark circles under his eyes. She knew he worked around there somewhere and figured it was only a matter of time before she ran into him.

"Nancy?"

"Hello, Kevin," she said, handing him a menu before walking away to attend to other patrons.

He was pleasantly surprised. In spite of his fear of Tyler, he couldn't let an opportunity like this slip through his fingers. He hadn't been laid in months and he knew from experience that Nancy was a sure thing.

She stalled as long as she could but he was sitting at her customer and she couldn't ignore him forever. "Have you decided?" she asked without looking him in the face.

"Yeah...I've decided you could be a little nicer. Why so unfriendly; is that anyway to treat your lover?"

"Kevin, you were never my lover..."

"Don't give me that," he said, cutting her off. "I know damn well you haven't forgotten about all the great sex we had. Hell, I fucked you better than that husband of yours ever did. In fact, since both of our better halves dumped us, I think we should pick up where we left off?"

"We were never lovers and your bedroom skills wouldn't make a pimple on Tyler's ass," she told him, this time more forcefully. "You were a distraction to fill some lonely and boring days, nothing more. Letting you touch me was the worst decision I ever made and I'll be paying for it for the rest of my life. Maybe it's too late to fix my marriage but I'll never let you touch me again...never. Just the thought of you putting your hands on me makes my skin crawl."

"Bullshit," he replied, leaning forward and lowering his voice. "You can't tell me you didn't enjoy it," he sneered.

Nancy turned and was about to walk away without saying another word when Kevin grabber her arm. "Hey, don't walk away from me, damn it," he snarled.

Lou, the owner of the restaurant, was just coming from the back room when he spotted the commotion. "Hey," he yelled, heading quickly to rescue his waitress, "take your hand off of her."

Kevin made a big show of releasing Nancy's arm. "Fuck this place. I think I'll go eat somewhere else," he angrily blustered.

"Good idea," Lou replied indignantly, "and don't come back."

Nancy was a little shaken and wondered how she ever succumbed to Kevin's sexual advances. "Thanks, Lou."