How High a Price: Susan's Story

I walked downstairs, wearing a heavy robe I'd found over my negligee. John met me with a drink, "Susan, we probably should talk. I know you're feeling guilty, but this has been beyond my wildest dreams, and very special to me. And nobody's been hurt! I know that you'll go home to Early, but please, don't leave now. Stay with me until you have to be home for him."

He looked so happy, yet so sad, at the thought of being left alone. I knew that if I went home now, I would be torn apart, festering in guilt until Early came home. If I stayed, I'd be reminded of what I had done, but at least I wouldn't be alone. I made up my mind, "John, I told you this would be a one time thing, and I still mean it, but time isn't up yet, Early won't be home until Sunday, I'll stay for now. After all, I did tell you that I'd do anything for you"

We sat in front of the fireplace, cuddling together on the sofa, but not making love again. Finally we went to bed. It seemed strange to sleep with somebody other than Early. Maybe that's why I'd trouble sleeping that night.

When I awoke in a strange room I started to panic, forgetting where I was. Just then John entered carrying a glass of orange juice. "Good morning Susan, I've got bacon and eggs ready downstairs when you're ready." Breakfast conversation was a little awkward, but gradually became more comfortable.

A little later I went upstairs to get dressed. As I pulled a sweater over my head, I glanced out the window. I thought I saw a dark green Explorer drive by, just like the one Early and I had purchased to tow our camping trailer! My heart went into my throat! Then I realized that there must be a number of vehicles like that around, and Early didn't like to drive it unless necessary. Most importantly, I told myself, Early was in Los Angeles.

We actually had an enjoyable afternoon, spending a lot of it talking shop. I learned a lot from John, as he gave me various tips on things to do, avoid or to watch for. He barbecued steaks for supper and opened a nice bottle of wine. To that point, we hadn't had sex since the first hurried bout down stairs last night.

Thinking of what John had told me, about how special this was to him, I decided that I owed him one more time. I led him upstairs to the bedroom and told him to sit. As he watched me, I undressed, taking my time so he could enjoy the view. The look in his eyes as I pulled the sweater over my head, and reached around to unhook my bra and saw my breasts for the first time was something to see. I could tell how special this was to him. Even though I knew in my heart that it was wrong, I again told myself to relax, it was only sex, and I owed him big time. "Nobody would be hurt, Early will never know, and it'll never happen again", I told myself.

Remembering how aggressive he was last night, and how sore I was I decided that I'd take control and told him to lie down. While I didn't want to give him another blow job, I did take his cock into my mouth and worked it until it was fully erect. As I did this I slid one hand between my legs and stroked myself, in part to ensure that I was wet enough, and in part to try and excite myself so I'd enjoy it more. When I felt we were both ready, I straddled him and slowly sank down onto his cock, feeling it fill my pussy. I have to admit that it did feel good, but something was missing! I tried to build up as he neared his orgasm, and the way he played with my breasts helped, but I knew I wouldn't cum. Then it hit me, whenever we did it this way, Early would tease my nipples, and when he sensed that one of us was close, he'd reach out and play with my clit, helping me to reach orgasm.

It was less hurried than yesterday, and enjoyable. But still, it didn't feel right as he finally deposited his load deep inside me. I didn't achieve orgasm, though I think I fooled him into believing I had. After a while I told John I needed to clean up and went into the bathroom.

As I sat there, I realized I was again late in calling Early. What if he had phoned me? Thank god he didn't mention trying when I got him. I told him that I was getting ready for bed, which in fact I was. I was a little surprised when after I commented about the big lonely bed in our bedroom, he responded by saying how lonely such a big bed could be. When it was time to hang up I told him how much I loved him, meaning every word, and was happy to hear him tell me he loved me more than his own life.

And I did love him, and knew I always would. He was everything I could ever want in a husband.

After I hung up, it just didn't feel right. The sound of his voice told me something was wrong and I couldn't shake that feeling. When I came out, John sensed it, and asked me what was bothering me.

"I just had my daily talk with Early, and I know something's wrong. I don't think he knows, but at the same time the tone of his voice, the way he sounded, tells me that all is not well." John talked to me, trying to convince me that I should relax. "Early couldn't know and everything was ok. Maybe he'd had a tough day." Still I couldn't relax, "John, I think I should go home now, it was fun, but its over."

John urged me to spend the night, pointing out that I'd been drinking and it would be better to drive home the next morning. Despite the growing fear inside me, I had to agree, after all Early wouldn't be home for another day, and we went to bed.

I got up the next morning, after a restless sleep, dressed and shared breakfast with John. Again I reminded him that this was a one time affair. While he agreed with me, I could tell that he did so reluctantly.

I gave him a hug, and got into my car for the drive home. As I drove, the guilt was overwhelming. I tried to rationalize that it was only sex and after the help he'd given me, I owed John, and now the partnership debt was paid! Early would never know! I also promised myself that I would never do anything like this again. While my love for Early was never in doubt, it was only know I realized how strong my love was.

By the time I pulled into the drive way and entered the garage, I was relaxed, more at peace with myself. After all, Early wouldn't be home until tomorrow morning, and I would be ready for him. I couldn't wait to tackle him and feel real loving again.

Nothing seemed out of place as I walked in the kitchen door, carrying my overnight bag. As I got part way through the kitchen I realized something was wrong! I looked about and saw a mess of dishes in the sink, and the tea pot I'd put away sitting on the stove. With my heart sinking, I looked carefully around, not seeing or hearing anybody. I headed carefully through the dining room. As I reached the living room I rushed over to the fire place and grabbed the poker fearing I might disturb a burglar.

Just then, I heard a noise and whirled about, and there he was! I stumbled as I saw him, just sitting there taking a sip of tea, but saying nothing.

Without thinking I spoke, "Oh my god, Early, you scared me half to death! When did you get home?" fearing what the answer would be.

I'll never forget the flat, empty tone of is voice, as he said " A couple days", I collapsed into a chair, my mouth hanging open. "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you call? Where have you been staying?

In that same, almost deathlike tone of voice, a tone I didn't recognize, he responded, "I did call, I called Thursday afternoon, you weren't home and you weren't in the office, and Jennifer wasn't there either. You didn't answer your cel. Then I was sitting here in my chair when you called, I spent that night in that big lonely bed you told me about. Somehow I don't think the bed you spent Thursday and Friday nights was all that lonely. Do you want to tell me about it Susan? Can you make me understand?

By now the tears were pouring out of me. You may not believe me, but it wasn't the fact I'd been caught. It was the look on his face and the sound of his voice that told me how much I'd hurt him. It made me realize this was one factor I had never considered. The face I looked into appeared as if it had aged 10 years since I had seen him off at the airport on Sunday.

I still wasn't thinking straight as I tried to spell out my rationalization to him, "Early, I love you! This had nothing to do with us. Please try to understand that this was something I felt I had to do! It had nothing to do with my love for you, for us!"

His words back to me felt like a knife being driven into me "That make no sense to me Susan. How can your cheating on me, cuckolding me not have a thing to do with us?"

Even as I responded my words, and the rationalization I'd used to convince myself what I'd done was right, sounded hollow to me, so I imagine how it sounded to him. "It was something I felt I had to do, Early. I was trying to repay John for what he had done for me. It had nothing to do with the way I feel toward you, my love for you!"

I think I made it worse when he asked me if John had forced me, or blackmailed me, and I told him that I did it on my own. As he talked it sounded so ugly, yet when I tried to tell him that he was making it sound so tawdry, I had to hear him ask if it was beautiful. I could see that his hurt was increasing, if at all possible. I wanted to go to him and hug him, and let him feel my love, but I knew he would push me away, and I couldn't blame him.

When Early asked if my cheating was due to a lack of performance skill on his part, I screamed at him. I wanted him to understand that I loved him, and that making love with him was special! When he challenged me with remembering our past talks about the importance of fidelity, I understood his pain. Only now did I think about how I would have felt if I'd discovered he was having an affair.

When Early asked me why John should not expect to do it again, doubts were raised in my mind about what John may think or expect down the road. Despite the fact he'd told me he understood this was a special one time affair, I suddenly remembered little comments he'd made, the reluctance in his voice. What would John think?

I knew I could never do it again, and never would have in any event. But I knew that now was not the time to make further protestations, for they only sounded hollow, and weak.

Eventually Early finished talking, though not before telling me he hoped we could save our marriage. He told me he'd sleep in a guest room until we got separate beds for our room. We would see if things could be worked out, or if our marriage was finished.

I had to accept that he didn't trust me or respect me. After all, I had cheated on him! But at least he indicated he still loved me. Why hadn't I thought of love, trust and respect before I convinced myself that it was only a harmless fling.

He went so far as to tell me not to suggest he cheat on me to even things up, for fidelity was still so important to him. While the idea hadn't occurred to me, I could see that it might be a way to deflect some of the guilt I had to bear, and a way of making me feel the same hurt that I'd caused him.

As he walked out of the room into the patio, I could see the tears in his eyes, further proof of the overwhelming pain and hurt I'd caused the person I loved, the one who meant the most to me in the whole world. I know I watched a shattered man walk out of our house.

The Aftermath

I spent the rest of the day, sitting there, slumped in the same chair. getting up only when absolutely necessary to go to the bathroom. The pain I felt was nothing, I knew, to what Early felt, except my pain was because I had caused him such pain. The partnership that I'd lusted after, lost its sparkle as I sat there. I realize it was the obsession with it that made me lose site of what was most important to me.

I'd prided myself, an attorney, as being able to think things through, to look at both sides of an issue, so I could better advise my client on the proper course of action. Yet I had failed to do so at the most crucial, personal time for myself! I'd looked at things only from the side tarnished by the glow of and lust for a partnership.

Yes, I'd owed John something, but not the risk of my marriage. What had I been thinking? And why hadn't I been able to see what the possible impact could be? The impact on the man with whom I shared my bed and my body, my true love, Early, and the impact it would have on me. Even now I realized that the guilt would have continued to build within me had I not been discovered, and how hard that guilt would have been to live with. Surely even the lowliest lawyer would have looked at a worst case scenario before doing what I'd done.

I thought of how I'd tried to rationalize it as just 'sex'. Maybe if my husband treated me like dirt, or played around on me it might be. But our love was too deep to separate the sex from the love.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized how wrong I was, and how he must feel. The tears continued to flow until I could cry no more. I was afraid I'd lost what meant the most to me in the world, Early! I knew that I couldn't turn the clock back no matter how much I wanted to relive the last few days, as they should have been lived. All I could do was tell myself that I would do whatever it took to convince him that I loved him as he loved me, and to rebuild what I'd shattered.

Early avoided contact with me the rest of the day. When I did try and speak to him, he told me "Not today Susan, we both need to think, before we can discuss what happened, and where we're going."

Finally the next day we did talk. I started "Early, you may find it hard to believe right now, but I do, and have always loved you. You questioned me yesterday on whether this was a first time, and how long it had gone on. It was only those two days, and it was two days too many. And believe me, this was the first time I've ever done this. I know the only way I can hope to win back some element of trust and respect is by being completely honest, whether it paints me in a bad light, as it should, or not."

I proceeded to tell him the story. I did tell him about the sex acts, though I didn't go into graphic details, for I new I had to tell him. Even the thought of them was just about enough to make me cry, and I can only imagine what it did to Early. It wasn't even worth my while to tell him, that in all truth he was a better lover than John, that would wait for a later time. But I did profess that I had never desired anybody else, and I hadn't desired John, but felt I owed it to him. Even then I told him I knew I was doing wrong, but couldn't stop.

I acknowledged my thought process had been impaired, by the high generated by my success and the lust for an almost certain partnership, the alcohol, and my feelings of gratitude and indebtedness to John. Even so, I should've been able to realize I was totally wrong. Yes, John was in part to blame. He knew how in love I was with Early, yet encouraged me to come with him. But it was my fault, because I did it.

I told Early I realized how much I'd hurt him, and the pain I felt was because I had hurt him. "Nothing will ever excuse what I did to you, to us! I lost track of what was important, in the glare of the partnership, and now I don't really know if I want it. I can't stand the person who did what I did. I do know that what I want is to be with you until the day I die, and I'm afraid I've ruined everything."

To my relief, he indicated he was still prepared to try and make things work, and did not intend to leave me or seek a divorce, though I was concerned when he added "at this time". He professed his love for me, albeit effected by the hurt and pain, and the loss of trust and respect, which would take time to be rebuilt, if it could. He acknowledged that he accepted my love for him, which helped, though right now he didn't know if it was enough.

I offered to quit the office, and give up the potential partnership, but Early said it was to soon to make decisions. He understood how much the partnership meant to me, and had encouraged me in my goal to obtain it. As he said that, I could only cringe with the realization that my lust for the partnership was what had blinded me to the realities of my actions.

As we talked, we realized that had I been a half hour later getting my overnight bag, he would have arrived home. Or if he'd called the office as soon as his meetings ended, I would have turned down the invitation for lunch and raced to Seattle to meet him, and to share my triumph with him.

We talked a lot more throughout the day, but also spent a lot of time in quiet reflection. I even expressed my fears about the unprotected sex, and told him I intended to get checked out by my doctor. The day ended, with a little more hope than the day earlier, but with the realization we were a long way from being out of the woods.

One of the most difficult things I faced after our talk was the next day when I had to go back to work, I only saw John in passing, and as I did I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking. Despite the fact that I'd rather avoid him for all eternity, I knew I had to face him. His face fell as I told him that Early knew, and what had happened. To his credit, he immediately accepted some blame for the event, and offered to talk to Early. But it was also clear from what he said, and how he said it, that he still had hopes for another get together.

In the days following, my relationship with John became more awkward. The casual, easy teasing friendship was gone. In its place was an element of tension, the comments more biting, more personal. Even Jennifer commented on it. I know I couldn't get the image of our acts out of my mind, and I'm sure every time he looked at me he could imagine my mouth moving over his hard cock, or fucking me, yes fucking, I could never call it making love.

The partnership, well I didn't get it! The old boys club was not quite ready for a female partner though they assured me that I was in line for it sometime in the near future. There was no way I could be sure John had supported my partnership bid, in fact I wondered if he'd suggested that I wasn't quite ready.

This combined with the fact the growing tension I felt with John, and my dread of any office get together where John and Early might come face to face, convinced me that I should leave the firm. I joined a new firm, a younger more progressive one, where I knew my position would be based on my abilities.

At home, things were quite awkward. At my suggestion, we saw marriage counsellors, who encouraged us to talk with and listen to each other. There is no doubt they saw the love, and the hurt. With their assistance, we continued to work at putting our lives back together. In time, we got to the point where we probably were talking more than we had before, and about more things!

It took some time before Early was prepared to welcome me back to our bed. I wanted him to as soon as possible, but understood his reluctance. Accordingly, I did try and entice him, not in overt fashion, more in a manner of dress, or suggestive stance or comment. While I had always worn sexy lingerie at his urging, I got even more daring, and made sure that he got to see!

Eventually I got him to re-establish some physical contact, such as hugging, or cuddling on the couch. The counsellors encouraged us, telling us to go slow, lovemaking should not be rushed, and when it happened, it should be for reasons of love, and not just lust. These little bits of contact helped keep me going while Early rebuilt the part of his heart that I had broken.

I know that initially the physical contact wasn't easy for Early. The first times I could feel him flinch, and fight to not pull away. At those moments I feared I'd lost him forever. But eventually he grew more comfortable, and willing to initiate contact on his own.