All Comments on 'How I Became a Cad'

There's some good moments, some well done lines and insights and a hint that you might be able to write a sex scene if you would give it more attention.

But there's a lot that is rushed, the sex obviously but the "who" of the main voice is barely revealed... it might be a decent beginning to something more, I'll bookmark it and return to see what you do with it.

J

I think your comments are fair. I've been giving some thought to how I wrote the sex in this story and I've got a lot of ideas about how to improve it. I'm happy with what I wrote, but it could be expanded and deepened. It's a pivotal moment in each of these characters' lives.

I'm not going to comment on Jay right right away, but he revealed more about himself in this story than he thinks he did.

Agree with Anon comment that young man's character has room for development. Would enjoy seeing that done. Perhaps learn about humility by exploring relations again at college with gals near his age.

Don't get it. You started with a good story, and rushed through the ending. Could have been much, much better.

I liked the kind of Mickey Spillane cynical tone and details of nowhere light industrial Generica setting and office. End was abrupt but their relationship started pretty quickly too. Yes plenty of potential there for more about Barbara or Paul besides the two central characters. Thanks for a well written read & keep it up, with the stories etc.

You write very well, but I agree with others that the sex was rushed and lacking in details using the five senses, all of which are what make a sex scene erotic. A quick example might be:

"Sweat dripped off her face and tits onto me" could have been something like, "Glistening droplets of sweat dripped from her face and rolled slowly down her breasts, cooling as they splashed unto my skin."

Good story.

Need lots more sex!

Right up to the end where you just trashed the whole build up. It was a five until the last paragraph....

This yarn gripped me by the throat and wouldn’t let go, especially the ’Monday’ section. The cynical writing is brilliant especially the descriptions of the gruesome environment like the apartment ‘in the shadow of an on-ramp’. I also liked the short brief ending. 5 stars and added to my favourites.