How I Spent My Summer Vacation... Pt. 02

"You went off on your own and had fun without me."

Suddenly I remembered my purpose here and stood up. "Well boo fucking hoo. Afraid someone might actually have fun without you?"

Kim stood and yelled "I thought you liked being with me!"

"It doesn't mean we have to be attached at the hip the whole fucking time."

That seemed to throw her. She stood there silent for a moment. "Fine!" Kim said. She stormed out the back glass door onto the patio. I put my head in my hands for a minute. At first I was thinking this was not turning out like I had wanted, but then I realized it was exactly what I needed. It's hard hurting someone, even if it is necessary. And hurting someone you care about is even harder.

That's when I understood why this was all so hard for me on the inside- I really did have feelings for Kim. If the situation was different, like if she wasn't such a party animal or a very high GPA didn't matter, I'd probably be happy as hell about being her girlfriend. But the situation is what it is and I can only change what I have control over. Of course, that kind of logic is no consolation when romantic emotions are involved.

I went to the bedroom and crashed on the bed. When I woke up it was five hours later and I felt energized. While showering I noticed my tattoo again, and my mind was plagued about what this symbol meant. I was so fucked up I didn't even remember getting it, that made me worry about its meaning even more. I got dressed and decided I'd go into town and find the tattoo parlor I went to. When I went downstairs I called out for Kim and there was no response. She wasn't on the patio either. I found the note in the kitchen, it read-

Carol,

Going out to have my own fun. At least I'm letting you know so you wouldn't worry. Or do you even care?

Kim

I got angry because she was throwing her fit on a piece of paper. Suddenly I wasn't worried about hurting her as much as I was that morning, especially because I had something else to worry about. I called a taxi, and on the way into town I asked the driver if he happened to know Chinese. English, Portuguese and some French, but no Chinese. My mind raced with all the questions about last night and the worst answers to them. Had I even wanted to go get a tattoo? Did those girls pull some horrible trick on me? Was I even conscious? Or did they get me marked, steal my clothes and dump me on the beach? All the unanswered questions were having a physical affect on me because my stomach was hurting.

The first two tattoo parlors were small places that had very few Chinese symbols. A guy at the second place told me about a tattoo artist who'd lived abroad for a while and brought lots of designs back, many of them Chinese symbols. I went there and knew I'd found what I was looking for when I walked through the door and the guy recognized me.

"You're...Carol, right?" he said in the most perfect English I'd heard from a local so far.

"You know me?"

He smiled. "I gave you your tattoo, didn't I?" I didn't respond. Suddenly the smile made an exit and his face grew concerned. "Jesus, you don't remember, do you?" He held up his hands. "Hey, I asked all three of you ladies if you were sober and you said yes. No refunds either."

"I don't want a refund and I'm not going to cause you any trouble," I said. "I just want to know what the symbol means."

The smile came back and he gave a warm, hearty laugh as he walked from behind the counter. "Sorry, I just can't believe you don't remember, especially after all the time it took you to choose. I was done with your two friends and you still hadn't decided." He stopped next to a poster board full of Chinese symbols. "But when you saw this one you got so excited I thought I was going to have to strap you down while I worked." He pointed to an exact replica of what was marked on my flesh. Underneath it were two lines, one in Portuguese and the other in English, giving its meaning. It read: "To Like Women".

I gasped and felt elation. Gone was the worry of what I'd done to myself. This was the coolest thing I could have ever imagined getting as a tattoo. The shop owner burst out in laughter. "I don't believe it!" he said. "That was the same look you had last night when you saw it!" When he finished laughing he walked back behind the counter and looked at me. "That must be something, to find that kind of happiness, forget you had it and find it all over again." He shook his head and laughed again. "And I got to see it both times. I love this fucking job."

CHAPTER 10: THE THINGS YOU NEVER SEE COMING

Before I went back to the house I stopped at a store and picked up a notebook and some pens. The good feeling I had from my tattoo discovery fueled a desire to get back on track, and I was determined to let nothing stop me this time. Kim was still out, so I sat at the dining room table and started writing. It just poured out of me, everything that had happened over the past week, my last few months at school and how I'd slid down from what I had a year ago. Everything I remembered, everything I could remember feeling at the moment and what I thought about it in hindsight. I couldn't write fast enough, and I had to stop twice just to calm myself down so I could keep going. It was the same rush I'd felt when writing before I met Kim, but there was still something different about it. I would later realize that I'd finally let go, because there were no inhibitions that had kept me from truly opening up even when I wrote regularly.

When I read what I'd written I felt so exposed, yet instead of feeling apprehension I felt a surge of excitement from the core of my being. It was like my naughty side and my rational side finally agreed on something. I wanted to treat myself, so I went upstairs and ran a bubble bath. I played a CD of Mazzy Star, which always makes me feel relaxed.

Lying in the tub, I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt that relaxed. It was hard to believe how accustomed I'd become to the tension in my body. I slid down until my head was totally immersed. When I came back up, pushed my hair back and opened my eyes, I imagined I was being reborn. A new Carol Hitchcock. No more guilt. No more regret. Hit the reset button and try again. I suddenly felt like I was floating.

The idea of a new start made me excited, and something about that made me horny. My hands slowly ran up and down my torso, creating a tingling sensation all over my skin. I stopped at my breasts and caressed the globes with my hands, then lightly brushed at the sensitive skin with my fingertips. I took both nipples and rolled them between my fingers, soon after I began to lightly pinch and pull at them. Finally I scratched lightly at the hard nubs of flesh, teasing them to the point where they started to ache.

My hands slid down to my hips and rubbed around the area where my crotch and my legs meet. The anticipation began to build throughout my body. I spread my legs and took a deep breath. The feeling of my fingers touching my outer lips made me exhale. Rubbing up and down, I lifted my left leg and put it over the side of the tub for better access. Teasing the inner lips with the tips of my fingers. Running one digit all the way down my slit and back up again. I repeated that several times. My breathing became slow and deep. I closed my eyes, crooked my right index finger and gasped as I slid it inside. Pushing it in as far as it could go. Out again. In again. Slowly building. Out again. In again. Out again. Bracing my right foot against the end of the tub. In again. Out again. Faster now. Building momentum, my thumb occasionally stroking against my clit. It became harder to breathe slow and deep. My left hand went to my breast and rolled the nipple between my fingers. Short moans escaped my mouth with each thrust. I had a rhythm going. My clit became my thumb's full time job. I pinched the nipple. Slow and deep went out the window. My upper body rocked back and forth slightly. I clench my buttocks. My left hand abandoned my breast, fired my thumb and went to work on my clit. The change caused a quick cry from my mouth. My back lifted off of the wall of the tub. I exploded.

Slowly I returned to Mother Earth. After a minute I was able to control my breathing again. My eyes opened. The elation and excitement about what I had accomplished with my writing returned. I could feel the smile grow on my face. And that's when I suddenly had an epiphany, an understanding about what writing was. I had taken all my life experiences over the past few months, the good, the bad and especially the ugly, and turned them into something that I now felt good about. Writing helped me to understand some of it, gave another part of it perspective, but on a whole allowed me to put it all behind me. That was why I felt reborn. That was why I suddenly allowed myself to feel joy.

That joy lasted up until the moment I went downstairs and found Kim sitting at the dining table, reading what I had written. I'd forgotten to put it away. When she looked up at me her face held both anger and sadness. She held up the notebook.

"Is this what you really think about me?"

I stood there unsure of what to say. Being on a natural high, then walking into such a bad situation caught me off guard. She threw the notebook and it hit the wall to the left of me.

"Is it?!" she yelled. "After all I've done for you?"

It was like she'd thrown a match into a pan of grease, suddenly rage blossomed throughout my entire body. I yelled, "Because of you I nearly lost the money that's keeping me in school! Because of you I've completely lost touch with my dreams! Everything you've done for me?!!" I turned and went upstairs, pulled out my suitcase and started packing. Kim was suddenly in the doorway, her face had softened and there were tears in her eyes.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to crash at Maria's place until our flight."

"Carol, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were having trouble with your grades."

"Oh bullshit! How many times did I tell you that I needed to study or do homework? You just didn't want to hear it! As usual, all you think about is yourself. We're over, so that should give you plenty of extra time to think about you."

Kim walked up behind me as I was zipping up my bag. I picked it up and turned to face her.

"Just give me another chance, please."

I stared at her and for a moment I almost faltered again, almost gave into her. Then I realized this was just another ploy, like the blackmail on the beach. Thinking about how she pulled shit like that made me angry. "I can't afford to take anymore chances Kim," I said, "especially with you."

That really hit her. Kim's face went tight and her lower lip quivered. "Is being with me that bad?" she asked.

"Kim," I said, "you're the worst thing that's ever happened to me." I said it with such hardness in my voice that hearing those words even chilled me to the bone.

At that second I could swear I saw those piercing blue eyes dim for a moment. "You..." was all she got out before she ran into the bathroom and shut the door. I just breathed a sigh of relief as I realized I'd finally done it, I'd broken free of her.

When I got downstairs I picked up my notebook and looked at it. Remembering the joy and excitement I'd felt when I was writing, I put it in my bag confident that this was the start of something new. I was about to pick up the phone to call a cab when it rang. I almost decided to let it go, but picked it up at the last second. "Hello?"

"Carol?" It was Mrs. Ross. "How are you?"

"I'm good, I..." No, I couldn't lie. She'd been so nice to me. I wanted to tell her goodbye. "Kim and I are breaking up Mrs. Ross."

"Oh no! Why? Did she cheat on you?"

"It was nothing like that." An image of Gwen popped into my head and I pushed it out quickly. "I just...need some time away from her."

There was a short pause, and then she said, "Carol, I know my daughter can be a handful, but you mean a lot to her. She's told me that you're the one thing that keeps her together, that you're the only thing that's ever mattered to her. I have a feeling she hasn't exactly expressed these things to you very directly, but I hope they'll have some bearing on your decision."

I'd never really thought about it, but Kim throwing all that money my way was how she expressed her feelings. Probably something that came from being raised rich. But it was too late now. "This isn't easy for me, Mrs. Ross, but it's what I need to do. Kim parties too much and if I stay with her, my grades will drop and I'll lose my scholarships. I literally can't afford that."

There was another pause, longer this time, and I wondered if I'd made Mrs. Ross angry. "Listen Carol," her voice was different, more serious and a little tight. "If money is a problem, it's one I can solve." Another pause. "I'll give you ten thousand dollars if you stay with Kim."

Shock is too mild a word to describe what I felt at that moment. "Mrs. Ross, I...I'm not sure what to say."

"Then don't say anything and just listen." There was a stern, controlling edge to her voice. "There's a lot of opportunity here, Carol. I'm not sure if Kim has told you, but Mr. Ross and I are about to divorce. A lot of money is at stake and my daughter has some power as to which way it goes. How that turns out can be beneficial to you as well."

I couldn't believe I was hearing this, much less from a woman I'd imagined as the ideal mom. I swallowed hard. "What are you saying?" I asked. I'm not dense; I just wanted to hear her say it so I could confirm that I was the worst judge of character alive.

"Don't play coy with me, Carol," Mrs. Ross said impatiently, "You're the first person I've ever seen make Kim so happy. That means you have influence over her. The ten thousand is for staying with Kim and keeping me up to date on which way she's leaning." She stopped and I could hear her take a breath, "And I'll go up to twenty thousand if you can make sure she's on my side."

There really must have been a lot of money at stake for her to be throwing around those numbers and taking a chance I'd go for it. But Mrs. Ross was betting that this poor farm girl from Kentucky couldn't resist the kind of money she's only heard about, and anyone who knows me would most likely say it's a safe bet. People talk about what they would and wouldn't do for money, and usually how noble they'd be no matter how much was on the table. But most of the time that's just talk, because no one really knows how they'll react when that money is actually within reach.

"Well?" she asked. "What do you have to say?"

"Mrs. Ross.." I said. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, looking deep within myself, trying to find something that I needed to know was there. Somewhere past my mind, my heart, and maybe even my soul, I managed to find it, and opened my eyes and said what I had to. "Go fuck yourself."

And with that I quickly slammed down the phone. I did it quickly because there was still a part of me thinking about how twenty thousand dollars would solve all my problems. But I also knew that it would cause a regret I would never get over, and I was through making those kinds of easy mistakes.

While I stood there in shock over what just happened, I thought about Kim, and many things about her behavior came into focus. The way she treated her parents, why she acted the way she did, her desire to get fucked up all the time. Why didn't she tell me? Now I understood why she expressed her love for me the way she did, but why not share her problems with me? Especially when, as Mrs. Ross said, I'm the only thing keeping her togeth-

I'm leaving her.

The bathroom.

A tub.

Oh fuck!

I ran for the stairs and bounded up them two at a time, which was a big mistake because halfway up my foot missed one and I fell flat. My head slammed into the edge of a stair, which might have killed me if it hadn't been carpeted. But pain shot through my head so bad that I felt like I had to fight to remain conscious. I managed to get on my hands and knees and took some deep breaths.

Through the pain there was a voice in my head screaming "GET UP THERE YOU STUPID BITCH!" I crawled up the stairs on my hands and knees until I got to the top, where I attempted standing. Luckily I grabbed the wall when my knees tried to buckle on me. Using it for support, I slid along as I walked to the bedroom door. Once there I managed to stand on my own two feet and carefully walked to the bathroom door.

I could hear KMFDM's 'Anarchy' playing inside. My hand rested on the doorknob but I hesitated. I heard the lyric about blood and it reminded me of what I was probably about to walk into. At that moment I realized how much I really cared about Kim. Despite all the bullshit and how she acted, deep down I could really say that I loved her and mean it. A fine time to realize this, I know, but that's how it is with the things you never see coming.

I turned the knob, hoping that this didn't all come too late.

STAY TUNED for the head-dropping, pill-popping, slut-knocking, not-so-grandiose finale. And I promise there will be whipped cream in this one!

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