How to Destroy a Perfect Marriage

I stood, took my coffee, and started walking around the house browsing at everything. I don't even think I knew the reason why I was doing it. The pictures on the wall with the children. Family portraits. I had to admit we had made a very nice home. I continued walking around looking at souvenirs and knick-knacks we'd gathered over the years. I went to our children's rooms and I saw them still asleep (almost time to wake up). They were beautiful and healthy. That's as good as it gets.

I finally walked into our bedroom and Dan looked a little better. He was drying himself off, but when he saw me, he turned around to finish. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't find the words. With the towel wrap around his waist, he turned around, picked some clean clothes from a drawer of his dresser, and with an apology said, "Excuse me, Carrie, I need to get dressed now." With that came the realization for the first time in our married life my husband didn't want to dress in front of me.

He smiled at me, but there was something wrong. I think at that point he noticed the concern on my face. Then tried another better smile. That's when I saw what was wrong; his eyes weren't smiling. He was forcing himself to smile.

With clothes in hand, he returned to the bathroom and closed the door. I put my coffee on the nightstand by the lamp and sat down on the bed. Dan was behaving so out of character I was at a loss. I started to get a very uneasy feeling at that moment and suddenly stood up from the bed to stand outside our bathroom. Leaning against the door, "Honey, are you ok? Do you need something? I put on a pot. Do you want a cup of coffee? I can bring it right now. Are you hungry? I can make you breakfast. Anything you want. Anything at all."

"No Carrie, I'm good. I may go out a bit later though. "

"Honey, if you're not feeling well, maybe we have something in the medicine cabinet you can take?"

I waited by the door for a reply and got none. Finally, the bathroom door open. Dan avoided looking at my face and had to walk around me because I was standing in the in his way, "Carrie, it's all good. I'm just not feeling well. Can we drop it?"

Dan turned and displayed that same forced smile as before he left the bedroom. I grabbed my coffee quickly and rushed to follow him immediately. He walked where the computer was and removed what disks were there. I was quickly losing interest in ever seeing that video. "Dan, about last night. That was a onetime thing that will never happen again. Get rid of that disk. I should have never asked you to video what happened. It was just a stupid fantasy. It was all my fault for bringing it up. Don't let what happened last night do anything to us. Please, it was a stupid idea that got in my head. It didn't mean anything. Please, Danny, get rid of that video." I was almost pleading in the end.

"Carrie, give it a break will you, it's fine. I just need some rest, that's all. The kids will be up soon so we'll talk about this later tonight. We can even see you in action with your fantasy man after the kids are in bed. Sound good?" Without waiting for my response, he hugged me, kissed my forehead, but before he left he looked me in the eyes and said, "I love you, Carrie. Now and forever." Then he left upstairs to the guest room.

I carried my coffee to the kitchen and put it on the counter. I turned to look out the sliding glass doors to the backyard. Dan had put in so much hard work into it over the years that it had become a beautiful garden now. At that moment, I felt a single tear and then another roll down my cheeks and didn't know why. I felt nothing inside. I didn't feel a need to cry but I was, "This is so silly. Why am I crying." and I moved both hands up to wipe them away. The children would be running around soon, and it would do them no good to see Mommy with tears running down her face. We couldn't have that happen now could we, no we could not.

I felt a terrible need to talk to with someone, but no one came to mind. The last person would be is my mother. I wouldn't even know how to begin. Dan remained in the guest room all day. I was too afraid to approach him for fear of him leaving the house. He came out at the usual time he did when arriving home from work. I watched and listened as he interacted with the children, about their day, and what they did. From his outward appearance, he seemed like his regular self. I was silently praying it was so and we could get past this stupid fantasy of mine. We sat around the table and ate like always with lots of conversation and Dan telling silly dad jokes. But I realized later on, Dan was putting on a performance for the benefit of the children.

As we put the children to bed, I knew we were going to watch something I no longer had any interest in. Dan was sitting on the couch waiting for me with the TV on and the disk ready to play. "Dan, let's not watch this. Please get rid of it. Nothing good is going to come out this. It was a mistake. Please, I'm begging you."

Dan turned his head to me, "Carrie, remember you told me you wanted me to be there and video your black cock fantasy? That it would make our marriage more exciting. That we could watch it together and afterward have amazing sex. Remember that?"

"Dan, please baby, I am so sorry to ever have suggested acting on that stupid fantasy of mine. I can see how it all was wrong. Very wrong. For us. And it will never happen again. Forgive me. Please..."

Dan, looked at the floor now to consider my plea a moment and then turn to look at me, "Well, we have a video, so let's make our marriage more exciting. Come on over here and sit down. You haven't seen it yet. I've been working on it all day in the guest room and I've cut it down to about 30 minutes and have all the best shots. I've seen it three times today. Five, if you count last night after coming home. You really are a hottie."

Not knowing what else to do, I just stood there. Dan smiled and patted the space next to him. This didn't feel right at all as I reluctantly sat down. My stomach was in a knot. This was not how it was supposed to be. In my fantasy, this was supposed to be no different than any other evening watching some sex scenes together, then off to bed to make love together.

Dan pressed the remote button forward, and the show began. I watch myself on screen for a bit until I couldn't take it anymore. Instead, I found my eyes drawn to everything else around the room. Pictures everywhere. All the family pictures on the wall, sitting on end tables, on the shelves.

Dan started a running commentary, saying things like, "Wow, look at the size of that guy's cock. Carrie, that's a big one. Just like Burger King. A Whopper! Hell, there's no way I can compete with that. And black too like you wanted. I can't compete with that either. Hey, Carrie check this out! Look! I've seen this before a few times; you're about to cum big time on that big black cock. I've never seen you in such ecstasy. Damn, I wish I could do that for you. Sucks to be me huh? You guys fucked on and off for almost three hours. Damn. I may not have it anymore, but you sure do baby. Anyway, Carrie, you got 'your' fantasy fulfilled."

I was trying to remain calm, but I couldn't take it anymore. My mind was about to explode. Then the flood came. The tears started falling like rain, "Goddamn it Danny! It doesn't mean shit! This video is all bullshit! It's all fucking bullshit. It was a stupid fucking idea to do this! The worst I've ever had! Please stop this now. I'm so fucking sorry for this shit hole I've dug us into. This fucking mess I created. Please. I love you so much, Danny. Don't do this. "

Even without looking at the screen, I could hear my voice shouting things I couldn't even remember I'd said, "Oh baby, fuck me hard with that big black dick of yours! Make me your bitch! Oh God, this is so good! " Then this guy began this verbal taunting shit by saying, "Tell me how much you love this big black dick, Bitch. Tell me!" And like some stupid animal, I screamed back. "I LOVE YOUR BIG BLACK DICK! FUCK ME HARDER. OH, YES! THIS PUSSY LOVES YOUR BLACK DICK! "

Looking at Dan, I could see on his face so much pain, a pain I've never seen before, as he sat motionless staring intently at the screen. What had I done? At that moment, I fell apart. I felt so ashamed that I had done this to him, to us. I couldn't stand being in the same room with that bitch on the screen and completely lost it.

"Dan you're a fucking asshole!" Then I jumped up and ran upstairs to our bedroom and slammed the door but I could still hear the video through the vent in the bedroom. I wanted to scream for Dan to turn it off but then remembered the children were sleeping. I was lucky I had not woken them by slamming our bedroom door.

That night I cried until I had no more tears. Everything I had done was clear to me now. I had totally fucked up everything good in my life. It felt like when a family member dies. That same heaviness in the heart and mind because you know they're really gone and will never come back. I was experiencing the final death thralls of my marriage. It had died and all that was left was the funeral.

I don't remember falling asleep but when I awoke I was alone again. I laid in bed just staring at the ceiling fan spin in circles until the children came asking mommy for breakfast. Their voices and faces brought me back to the land of the living. They all jumped in bed with me and with the sound of their laughter, for a brief moment, my thoughts found peace.

When I got downstairs, Dan had already left for work but had left a note on the kitchen table. I picked it up, folded it and put it in my robe pocket. I focused on feeding the children, making sure they brushed their teeth and properly dressed before I sat down alone to read what Dan had left. My hands were shaking as I unfolded the letter and read.

My Dearest Carrie,

I know you had a rough night last night, but honestly, I'm not feeling too great either. I watched the video a couple more times after you went to bed. You are quite beautiful. I really mean that. Maybe I should have said it more often? I never told you this, but I want to now. I fell in love you the first time I saw you. We were only 14. That seems so long ago and I wish we could go back there again. One thing for sure, I am so happy we shared the experience of being each other's first.

I really do understand how bad you feel now and I'm sorry about the stupid commentary last night. It was uncalled for. I have been hurting so bad the past couple of days it just all came out. I'm glad you left when you did because last night because it was the first time in our lives I have ever wanted to beat you.

So, now what?

I'm totally lost and I don't have the kind of compass or map to figure a way to where we were before. We have been together since we were kids. We both know each other well, at least I thought I did, but that night, when you told me not only were you ok but you felt great, I could see it. I saw something I have never seen before. You looked so content and satisfied with everything he was doing to you. I can't look at you now knowing I can't give you those same feelings of pleasure. I wish I could, but I can't. And I feel so sick inside now knowing I am not a guy who can rock your world. I feel like I have suddenly been woken up after all these years together and see we have been living a lie. That you have been lying to me. And honestly, it's eating me up inside and killing me.

The worst part of this is doubting if you ever received or enjoyed any pleasure from me at all. Carrie darling, believe it or not, that was always important for me. From what I saw the other night and from the video, I haven't. I wish you had told me something was wrong with us and gave me a chance to do better. I would have tried so much harder to make sex more pleasurable for you. I feel so stupid and ashamed I couldn't see what you were missing all these years.

With all that said, our physical relationship has come to an end. Game over. I don't want to play with you anymore. I can't compete at that level. I still love you as much as I ever did. But in my mind, I still see all those images of you and him with his big black cock. I have been comparing myself with your friend the other night since. I have seen that video so many times enough now to know he's a better man than me at satisfying you. You'd be lying to yourself if you don't believe that. I can't compete with that and I won't even try. Ever again. There are not of enough words for me to sincerely express to you how truly sorry I failed you in that way. Anyway, you won't have to fake it with me anymore because I won't let you.

When I asked you if that black cock fantasy of yours is what you really wanted, you said it was. How could I refuse you? You knew I wouldn't. You know my craziness and I know yours. But I wasn't giving you permission for your fantasy. I was confirming what I already knew. I saw it in your eyes that night. An after that first conversation, I knew you would follow thru eventually with or without me. This way I knew for sure.

And Carrie, I don't hate you. I love you and always will. You better believe it. That love was sealed forever in your parents' backyard under the stars when we were 15. No one can take that away from me forever. That is mine. And it's also yours. Forever.

I want to say so much more to you but it seems so senseless and I feel so tired all the time now. My mind can't rest. I am just drifting and need desperately something to hold on to, but I don't know where to reach.

Carrie, we need to get some things straight. I'm not telling anyone anything about what happened. Understand, I'm not abandoning you or the children. Ever. I love you all so much, it pains me as I write this. And I promise Carrie, I will do everything I can to make you all happy to the best of my ability. Money, bills, the insurance, being there for you and the children.

Also, I've left a copy of the entire 3-hour video we made along with a few different copies I edited so you can view without me. You'll find them in the drawer on the night table on your side of the bed. I know you will want to throw them away immediately but you should really look at them a least once before you do. It's not a dig at you, but for one moment try and understand where I am coming from. Imagine if our roles had been reversed? If you would watch them, and try to see them through my eyes, to see the only woman I have ever loved so much happier without me in the equation, you will not touch the depth of pain I will carry in my heart forever. This was your fantasy and never mine ever. Do you know what my fantasy was? You. You alone Carrie.

Look, I don't know what else to say here. Everything will work itself out eventually. That's the way of the world. But, I seriously need some space now to think. I know the problems are all in my head, but when I see you now, I don't feel good about myself at all. I can't live a life like that. So...

This evening when I come home I will pack a few things after the kids are in bed and check into a motel for a bit. I'll be by every day after to work to check on everyone. Promise. I will cash in some of our mutual funds and leave you the money this evening. I know it will help you feel better-having cash on hand and everything. Also, if either our folks call and ask for me, just tell them I'm in the bathroom or mall or whatever. My cell is still the same so you can text me. I don't know what to do with all the holidays coming up. We will sit down and work this out together at later date, but I want you thinking about now. We need some kind of plan here. I guess that's about it.

Carrie, I'm sorry. I love you now and always will. Talk to you soon. We'll get through this. Love you always, Dan

*****

So, what happens next? Here's an open invitation for anyone to add another chapter. Do they split or find a way back together? Could fall 10 different ways. Comments are welcome but keep in mind, this is just a piece of fiction. There is no Carrie and there is no Dan. None of this happened in reality. It's a story and you've been invited to add your own conclusion.