by anulakalua
Sorry but I didn't like it that much. You rushed it too much. Slow down a bit, expand on your detail and I think you'll make a better story where people can get into it. This was kind of wham, bang, thank you ma'am which ruined the enjoyment factor not to mention that I highly doubt that a virgin would enjoy being double penetrated when she's never had sex before. Very unrealistic. Your writing shows promise just give more detail and perhaps explore your characters some more.
A bit more expository detail _would_ be in order, but a nice beginning, and I quite like where it's going.
NO NO NO NO NO. DO NOT CONTINUE!!
You have either a very vivid imagination or a serious emotional problem. Or both.
But you have talent.
Your story is well written, but that's the only good thing I can say about it. It's not just a girl giving her virginity to a guy whom she idolizes; it's brutal, vicious gang rape. Every last one of those apes should be castrated and then shot through the head. And your girl is sick, sick, sick. She needs a few years of restorative therapy, and then a few decades in a mental institution.
If your Chaz came near my daughter, I'd shoot him on sight.
I found it totally disgusting. I hope to all the Gods that this is pure fiction.
Try to write something else; something decent.
Lack of detail, rushed and not well done at all. If you're going to write in this garbage detail, then I say don't bother continuing. Find a new hobby