I Never Heard The Comma

"'Close call,' I said as Amelia took our coats and pointed us in the direction of the kitchen. 'Don't you even think about it.'

"'Oh, she's only being Amelia! If you had come to some more of our plays and parties you would know how OTT she is. You know', he continued with a chuckle, 'that Simon won't even dream of casting her anymore because she is such a terrible drama queen and doesn't understand what overacting means. Totally harmless! Come on, let's go and get that drink.'

"We walked through the kitchen door and I was immediately set upon by Caligula -- well, it was probably meant to be Julius Caesar, but somehow Caligula was the first name that came to mind for the toga wearing apparition that smothered me.

"'Julie -- how wonderful to see you! And in such a fetching outfit! Allan must have had to fight off a whole pack of suitors if you even looked half as good when he was courting you! God knows, I would have beaten him off if I had known you then.'

"Did I tell you how smarmy Simon could be? He just glanced at Allan and put his arm around my waist and guided me into the room.

"'Come on, let me get you a drink and then I'll introduce you round.' Allan had been summarily dismissed, and I was on my own. 'Some you'll already know from the Players, and of course you'll know the governors from the school, but there are some of the partners in the firm that you haven't yet met.'

"He guided me further towards the bar that had been set up. My eyes were getting wider and wider at some of the costumes on display. Allan had probably been right about going bra-less: a quick glance around told me that I was the only woman there wearing a bra, and, even more worryingly, probably the only woman there who could have got away without wearing one. And that doesn't even mention the men: some of those could have done with wearing a bra as well.

"My brain went into astonished overload. I just wasn't capable of rational thought, so just let Simon steer me towards the drinks as my eyes just took on a mind of their own, and wandered at random over the crowded room.

"'What's it to be Julie? I've got every poison that the off-licence sells so don't be shy! But you really should try my mulled wine -- just right for a cold night, and it's my own special take on Cynthia's recipe. It's got a secret ingredient that makes it quite unique. I know you'll love it! Here, grab a glass and I'll get the ladle'.

"If I had been stupefied before, now I went into outright shock.

"'I'm sure that's one of the clamps from the Chemistry department,' I stammered as I looked at the assemblage on the kitchen counter. It was honestly the only thing that I could come up with.

"'I know. Priscilla got it for me -- it's absolutely brilliant. I couldn't think of how else to hold the stirrer.' Simon was grinning from ear to ear as he watched the mulled wine being swirled around the bowl.

"I returned my gaze to the stirrer -- convinced that all of the costumes and flesh that had assaulted my eyes on the way through the kitchen had skewed my views.

"'But, ..... but,' I croaked as the words struggled to get out of my mouth, 'it looks like a dildo!'

"'Exactly, dear girl -- that's exactly what it is. One of those fancy flexible ones!' Simon was literally crowing. 'It's why I needed the stand: I couldn't work out how to anchor it. I mean, I couldn't fasten it to the wall now, could I? Well,' he leered, 'I could but it wouldn't be very good for stirring the wine, would it?'

"It wasn't until he squeezed my bum that I realised that his hand had gradually wondered southward and had been resting on my arse for a while.

"'Oh Simon, I'm sorry,' I gasped, turning to face him, desperately looking for some way to get his hand off my backside. Some semblance of rational thought had returned and I realised that I wanted nothing to do with the punch bowl and its contents.

"'Red wine has started to give me the most terrible migraines, and my doctor has advised that I steer clear of it. I'll have to forego your special recipe and make do with some simple white wine -- is that all right?'

"Simon looked crestfallen, but quickly recovered his composure. 'Of course it is.' He took a wine glass and filled it from a bottle sitting in the ice bucket. 'Come and meet James and Amanda. James is one of the other senior partners and has been looking at the expansion we are planning.'

"Phil," I lifted my head to look at him, resting my hand back on his stomach, "have you ever tried to conduct a conversation with a 60+ man wearing only a gold lamé loincloth and a woman wearing nothing but a blue chiffon top and a blue satin thong? This was way past the 'Rocky Horror Show' -- it was just too surreal for words. I mean, if one of my A level students described something like this in one of their creative writing essays, I would have just thrown it back in his face, and told him to grow up!"

Phil just looked disbelieving. He raised his eyebrow and said nothing.

"I know, it sounds totally mad, but I can assure you that the image is still indelibly scored in my memory. Here I was at this party of professional people and all I could think of was that it was just another Pikewell Player over-production of some play set in an orgy and that I had unwittingly wandered into a rehearsal. I can't see blue chiffon now without wanting to throw up."

I settled back down and carried on.

"I haven't the slightest idea what we talked about. I think my mind had spaced out with the assault on my eyes and the accompanying assault of Old Spice and Je Reviens. I think James was wearing the Old Spice, but I couldn't be too sure, and the perfume was triggering subconscious memories. I came back to reality to catch the tail end of the conversation which seemed to be James saying that they were all looking forward to Allan and me taking a full part in the firm's activities -- just like this one.

"I only realised from his raised eyebrows and Amanda's expectant look that it was a question. I just enthusiastically agreed to whatever had been said, and headed off to find Allan and ask him what the hell he was getting us into.

"As I couldn't see him in the Kitchen or the Sitting Room, I wandered into the Conservatory only to find a clique of the other 'outcasts' -- Richard, Alison and John -- sitting around a table with a bottle of wine between them.

"'Goodness, you are one of the last people I expected to be here,' I said to Alison, trying to take in her outfit -- which could only be described as mid-forties biker girl meets Goth.

"She laughed. 'I can imagine! John found out about the party, and I thought that I would really piss Simon off by coming and being obnoxious. Anyway, it's free food and drink, and I decided that maybe we should just take advantage of our host's largesse. Come and join us. Your Allan is probably sure to be grovelling and crawling to Simon and all the others, and you would just be bored stiff!'

"It was too good an offer. I sat down and joined them. We discussed everything and everyone: Alison was hilarious -- she had a tale about all of the Players. None of the stories were complimentary and most picked on the more outrageous aspects of a person's character and their view of themselves.

"She had come to the conclusion that they all had over-developed Exhibitionist tendencies, had all been to boarding school or had been brought up by nannies, and that most of them probably had more than one fetish.

"That led us into playing, 'Pin the Fetish on the Player'. Our suggestions were getting wilder and wilder, and the more extreme they became, the louder our laughter.

"Inevitably, others cottoned on that at least some people were having fun, and came to join us. Cynthia marched in on a cloud of Anais Anais and wearing a tutu topped by a white leather corset. Alison and I immediately burst into fits of laughter. I nearly snorted some wine out of my nose I was laughing so hard. We were both doubled up clutching our sides in near hysteria -- because, much to Richard's discomfort, we had just had agreed that she had to be into S&M and bondage.

"Cynthia was not amused at our reaction to her appearance. 'Richard! You are meant to be socialising, and not sitting here out of the way all evening ignoring me.' Looking directly at Alison, whose black eye make-up had now run so far down her cheeks that she looked like an out of focus Alice Cooper, she said haughtily 'I don't know how you can think my costume is funny,' totally misjudging the reason for our immediate hysteria, 'at least I didn't come looking like some tramp who has been sleeping in a doorway for the last 2 months. Richard, come with me.'

"Poor Richard: he looked like a whipped dog as he got up and, giving us a miserable glance, followed her out into the sitting room.

"John yapped like one of those ghastly little four legged, hairless things that are carried around in handbags pretending to be a dog. It triggered another round of hysteria, and I almost cramped with laughter. When I had finally dried my eyes, and forced myself to sit up straight, I found Allan had joined me on the arm of the chair.

"'You all sound as though you are having fun,' he said. 'Good joke was it?'

"'Oh brilliant,' Alison cut in, saving me the embarrassment of trying to think of something. 'John was telling us a story he had heard about some woman who was so into leather and bondage, that one evening she managed to tie herself into knots and couldn't get out of it until her husband came back the following morning. Julie will have to tell it to you later.'

"I couldn't look at her, because I knew she was just winding me up, and that I would just collapse again, so I stared at the bottle on the table. 'Oh no, I couldn't', I replied to the bottle. 'I would never capture John's descriptions, and it would all just fall flat.'

"I looked at Alison, and mouthed 'Bitch' -- which just set her off laughing again.

"Cynthia's perfume was still hanging in the air, and with Allan sitting next to me, the combined scent kicked my subconscious into overdrive. Something was really niggling me, but I couldn't place it.

"Allan dragged me off to meet those other senior partners that I had yet to meet. I think I must have unnerved some of them because I just stared into their eyes as we talked. Looking any lower than the neck line would have rendered me incapable of rational thought. I don't think any were as indecently dressed as James and Amanda, but I didn't dare risk it.

The conversations seemed stilted and formal, but they all seemed to be enthusiastic about Allan and his future position. From each and every one, there was some comment or other about the family responsibilities that were involved and the need for the wives to support their husbands: one even asked me if I was going to keep my job once Allan had been promoted. Sexism is alive and well in the Home Counties!

Once we had done the rounds, we started talking to some of the other guests. I got into a discussion with one of the school governors (not Priscilla) about the school. When I looked round, Allan had drifted off, so I went back to the conservatory to join Alison and John.

"This time, our conversation remained on non-controversial topics and it just ambled along as they do, taking odd turnings at will. I noticed that the wine had run out, so got up to get another bottle from the kitchen.

"The white wine had been placed in a big ice bucket next to the 'apparatus' and I noticed in passing that the bowl had been moved, and the dildo was missing from the clamp. Simon was pouring various spirits into the bowl while someone else added the wine. Both had their backs to me, and I heard him ask Simon where the stirrer was.

"'Oh, it's Cynthia's turn. You know what she's like when she's had a few,' Simon replied with a dirty snigger, 'she gets so horny and comes so quickly you won't have finished filling up the bowl before she's back with it!'

"I couldn't believe my ears. Simon had mentioned a unique ingredient, but surely he couldn't mean that? After the conversations earlier in the evening, maybe I was just seeing everything from a smutty perspective. You know, like in Tom Lehrer's song "When correctly viewed/Everything is lewd".

"At that point, my subconscious suddenly decided to come up with the answer that it had been working on all evening. That 'special greasepaint' and its overtones? Nothing more that Allan wearing standard stage make-up overlaid with a healthy smudge of Anais Anais -- or, on those other times, make-up overlaid with Je Reviens. After that, the dominoes just crashed down one after another.

"What had Simon meant when he said Cynthia gets so horny? How did he know, unless he had seen it first hand -- and more than once. Why had Simon's hands been all over me when I came in, and when had he seemed so upset when I didn't want the red wine. Just what did they get up to at these rehearsals? What had Simon said about 'role play'? Maybe the reason they were so bad on stage was that their rehearsal time was dedicated to role play.

"Having started down the slippery slope, my mind descended further into depravity and the questions kept coming. 'Role play'? What was that? With the mix of perfume and grease-paint, was it their term for just fucking around? And they all seemed to be in on it. What James had meant then by 'all the firm's activities?' Were they all swingers? Was Allan's promotion dependent upon my joining this Swingers' group? Was that what this whole evening was about -- to get me to be a willing member of their group? With each thought, my mood darkened.

"I needed answers, but where was that little bastard? He wasn't in the Kitchen or Sitting Room: the Conservatory was empty and there was no sign of Allan or Cynthia in any of the other downstairs rooms.

"I went upstairs and saw someone standing outside an open door with their hands up to the face. There were noises coming from the room, and as I walked down the corridor, the sounds clarified and burnt in my memory.

"'Come on, Allan, pound me hard -- Simon says she's happy to join us all, and I can't wait to see him fuck that uptight bitch of yours.'

"I reached the door and looked in. Allan, with his kilt up over his back, and his scrawny arse jack-hammering up and down, was fucking Cynthia without any concern for the party downstairs.

"'Harder, you bastard, harder, I'm about to come, and I want you to come in me. Simon wants a special ingredient? Well he'll get a really special one this time -- you and me! I wonder if anyone will notice?'

"I must have whimpered because the person standing in the doorway turned and looked at me. It was Alison. She lowered her camera, grabbed me by the arm and marched me down the stairs. Even when you know it's a possibility, finding out that 'it' is a certainty is still shock, and that must have been the state that I was in.

"John and Richard were talking at the bottom of the stairs. 'John, we are leaving NOW. Richard, if you've got any balls, you'ld leave too -- if you stay, you can tell Simon that I wasn't feeling well, and that John and Julie were walking me home. John, give Julie your jacket, we are not staying to get her coat. We are going NOW.'

"With that, she opened the door and led me out. John put his coat over my shoulders and took my other elbow and together they frog-marched me down the drive.

"We had got half-way home when the shock started to wear off. I stopped suddenly and turned to Alison.

"'What's going on, Alison? Why were you there with your camera? Bit of cheap voyeurism?' My anger was bubbling back, and Alison was the first person I could lash out at.

"'No, kid,' she said softly, putting her hand on my arm. 'I know why you're hitting out at me, but I really am on your side. Cynthia has been a complete prick to John recently and has been threatening to use her connections to get him fired. I told you before that this lot were really odd and when I heard of the plans for this party, I thought that there would be probably be an opportunity to get something on her. If she wants to play dirty, dirty she'll get, and I'll make she knows what hits her! A good "Sarf-London" gal is not going to be beaten by some nose-in-the-air, stuck-up, nouveaux-riche bitch like her.

"'I came prepared for war. Both John and I have been taking candid shots of the whole bunch of shits all evening. They've ignored me for so many years that they don't even notice when I'm in the same room! When you came upstairs, I was really just getting the goods on Cynthia, but if it helps, you are welcome to the video -- I won't do anything until you tell me what your plans are with Allan.

"John joined in. 'Alison's right, Julie. I've already decided to give up with the lot of them. Cynthia's pathetic threats just gave me the final shove, but I'm leaving on my terms, and not theirs. If Cynthia wants to gloat, then, as Alison said, we wanted to be in a position to fight back and let everyone know that these 'professional paragons of society' are just arrogant, pompous little people with even more vices than those they claim to lord it over.

"'You're a good person, and a good teacher,' he continued. 'I know that the kids at school like you and there aren't too many teachers at that school that I can say that about. You don't need to be associated with those arseholes, and you really don't need to be saddled with that little brown-nose husband of yours.'

"We stood there in the middle of the road just outside my house. If anyone had driven past, they would have wondered what was going on -- it must have looked at two people lecturing a badly behaved drunken bimbette!

"Their joint explanation calmed the initial flames of my anger and I knew that I had to get my head around the now confirmed reality of my situation. Rational thought returned, and with it came a steely determination to sort this out once and for all.

"I looked at both of them. 'Thank you for taking care of me. I really don't know what I would have done otherwise. I've got a lot to think about. I felt deep down that something was going on and a comment of Simon's just lined up the pieces so that they all suddenly fell into place. I knew then that Allan was screwing around on me. That was why I went upstairs to look for him. I wanted some answers.

"'Well, now I've got them. I won't have Allan back in the house, but I want to think about how far to spread the damage. Alison, John, would you mind holding back a day or so?' They nodded their agreement. I gave them both a big hug, gave them each a kiss on the cheek and repeated my thanks.

"'I'll be fine now. I'll be in touch very soon. If you don't hear from me soon, perhaps you had better come checking -- Allan might be burying the body!'

"With that pathetic attempt at humour, I walked up the drive, removed the spare key we kept under the bird bath in the garden and with the main house key that I had taken in my purse, unlocked the door and stepped into my new life.

"'Fuck you Allan, and fuck the rest of you as well,' I yelled. The empty house just absorbed the sound but it was my friend, and I seemed to hear it tell me to go for it.

"Now fully rational and decided on my initial course of action, I went round all the doors and bolted them shut. I checked that the security locks on all the windows were set and when I was sure that Allan couldn't get back in, I went to take a long shower to wipe away the grime of the evening.

"I kept thinking about what to tell David. It's one thing to dislike one's father, but quite another to find that you are now going to be part of a one-parent family, and that your university financing would inevitably be up in the air.

"I put my dressing gown on, and gathering up my 'party' clothes went downstairs to get a drink that I could trust, and start thinking about what to do next. The clothes went straight into the rubbish bin, and the Armagnac came straight out of the drinks cupboard.