I Never Heard The Comma

"David knocked on the door and came in. His eyes were red, and there were clear tear tracks down his cheeks. He sat down beside me on my bed.

"'I've spoken to Sam,' he said, and I thought how mature he had been to do that. She wasn't even his girlfriend, and it can't have been easy opening your soul to someone who was really no more than an acquaintance.

"'We discussed my feelings for you, and I told her that you were going to divorce Dad whatever happened. We then talked about your revenge, and she is all for it: you'ld have been proud -- she described you as Hercules clearing out the Augean stables! Finally, she asked about my father. When I told her that we hadn't really had a relationship for the last couple of years, she basically told me to grow some balls and stuff the bastard. I told you she wasn't the least bit romantic,' he chuckled.

"'She said that whatever I decided, she would back me to the hilt and that I could talk to her any time. We both had the same scars, she said, and no one else needed to hear about them. As long as I was there for her, she was there for me. All she asked was that I let her know what I decided to do so that she could prepare for any fall out from her parents.'

"He lifted his tear-stained eyes and looked at me. 'I don't think I can handle the video Mum, but if Alison has managed to grab a still and anonymise it somehow, then I can deal with that. Bury the bastards!'

"I pulled him to me, and buried my face in his hair. Both of us cried for the end of our current comfortable existence. After a while, and seemingly at the same time, we straightened up and looked at each other smiling.

"'I'll call Alison now: she can send the photo while we start on the text.'

"By lunchtime, we had everything ready to go. The photo of James and Amanda in their ridiculous outfits carried a caption referring to James as a local influential solicitor who was also a long standing anti-pornography campaigner (which he was) and to his wife, Amanda, who campaigned alongside him about the dangers of provocative dressing.

"The photo of Simon grabbing my arse described him as a prominent member of the local council who frequently called for the police to crack down on all licentious behaviour, while the photo of the dildo stirring the wine simply made reference to a use that Anne Summers would have approved of, had the Council, at Simon's urging, not refused the shop a licence.

"The pixillated image of Allan and Cynthia was accompanied by text which described how 'our correspondent had heard how role-playing formed a major part of the rehearsal strategy for the Players, but it was now clear that role-playing was such an integral part of their activities that any prospective new members had better be clear what they would be getting into. Perhaps,' it continued, 'this excessive reliance on role-play was the reason the last few performances had been below the standard usually set by earlier generations of Players.' Unflattering photos of other members of the Players were also suitably captioned and described.

"God, Phil," I said looking up at him, laughing, "you cannot realise how much fun it was to write, and how cathartic it was. I was really quite light-headed by the time it was done!

"Anyway, when it was all finished, David called Samantha and gave her the URL for the dummy site. She approved. David told Fred to apply the final polish, and be ready to release the pages to the Players official website on David's say-so.

"We had lunch and I opened a bottle of Champagne to celebrate. The alcohol just added to the earlier feeling of light-headedness, so that when there has a hammering on the front door, I was laughing as I went down the hall to open it. David made himself scarce, slipping out of the back door.

"'What the fuck do you think you were doing locking me out like that?' Allan screamed as he shoved past me into the hall, leaving the front door wide open. 'And why did you have to leave just because that silly cow Alison was ill? Simon was really pissed off: he didn't get to have a chat with you and talk about his plans for the future. I had to talk him out the idea that you had gone cold on the whole thing, and that you had only taken Alison home because you two were old friends.

"'You need to phone him and apologise now, otherwise he might pull back on my partnership -- he told you he likes the Senior Partners to be fully involved as husband and wife.'

"I just grinned at him as he ranted on: the silly grin on my face just adding to his anger. 'I had to go back and make some excuse that you had probably stayed at Alison's place and he let me stay there with some of the other drunks.' He grabbed his mobile and thrust it in my face. 'Call him now: if he doesn't answer, leave a message saying you're sorry and you'll call back later.' As Allan's face got redder, so his voice got shriller.

"'Finished?' I asked coldly. I could feel my grin mutating into a glaring snarl: Allan saw it too, and started to back away. 'Because we certainly are. I saw you last night rutting away between her thighs. Special greasepaint? My arse! You've been fucking her and Amanda for months, and probably others, so don't you dare come the high and mighty with me!' By this time, I was really in his face and staring into his frightened, piggy eyes but he was pinned back against the wall and had nowhere to go.

"'I have already made an appointment to see my solicitor on Monday to start divorce proceedings on the grounds of adultery: I will take you to the cleaners. And if you think I don't have the evidence, well, you'll just have to call my bluff, won't you?

"'I have told David the whole story. He wants nothing more to do with you, but as he said, that's no change then is it?' I stepped back and pointed to the bin bags. 'These bags contain all your things: as the Americans say, they're trash bags -- quite appropriate for you. Take them, and fuck off out of our lives.' With that, I shoved him back out of the door, and started to throw the bags after him.

"My unexpected reaction left him in a state of shock, so it wasn't until I slammed the door in his face that he moved. He hammered on the door demanding to be let back in. I just turned back to the kitchen and poured another glass of Champagne.

"Several long minutes later, the phone rang with a number I did not immediately recognise. Thinking it might be David calling from one of his friend's houses I answered. It was Simon, his voice oozing with his usual smarminess.

"'Julie, Allan's here, and he tells me that you're rather upset after last night's little party. I know things may have seemed to have gotten a little out of hand, but while we may have gotten a little carried away, it really was a one-off. I'm truly sorry if we gave you any other impression -- it was all just a bit of harmless fun and I suppose that for someone who isn't used to it, it could easily have been taken the wrong way. Look, why don't you come over for some hair of the dog, and we can all sort this out and put the whole thing behind us?'

"By the time he had finished, I was holding the phone away from me and staring at it as though it was ET, or some other alien.

"I was so aghast at his effrontery that I couldn't speak.

"'Julie, are you there? You haven't said anything, so I assume you are thinking about it. Come on, be a sensible girl, and come on over so we can have a good laugh about it all, and move on. I mean, between the two of us,' he went on, his voice getting colder, 'we were going to announce Allan's promotion on Monday, and we wouldn't want to upset those plans now, would we?'

"I had expected nothing else from the control freak. 'What do you mean, Simon? That Allan's promotion is dependent on me forgetting what I saw, and just accept that your public attitudes and you private preferences are as far apart as the North and South Poles?'

"'Well, I wouldn't put it in quite those terms,' he continued, his tone trying to regain an ounce of warmth. 'It's not just Allan's well-being I'm thinking about. There's you to consider as well. I mean, Allan's promotion will mean a nice healthy bank balance, and with David about to go to University, I'm sure that would be more than welcome. And with the current school head due to retire in a year or so, I know that Priscilla would be able to push for you to take her place.

"His voice hardened. 'Just so you know, I don't think they would be at all keen to have a divorcee as the Head -- it would send out all the wrong signals to the community. I doubt that they would even be happy with a divorced Head of Department -- particularly when it comes to you teaching the Upper 6th.'

"Steel entered my own voice. 'Simon, if you weren't a Senior Partner in a law firm, I would have thought you were trying to blackmail me. But of course, you know the law far better than I do, so you wouldn't possibly be doing that, would you?'

"'Blackmail, Julie? I wouldn't dream of it. But let's just be pragmatic for a moment. I do have a certain degree of influence in this community. I don't think it would help either of you if you were to cross me, do you?'

"'Now Simon, why would I want to do that?' I countered, disgust smothering every syllable. 'I can see how embarrassing it would be for you to have to promote a Junior Partner who is in the throes of divorce, but really, that isn't my problem, is it? As for my position as Head of Department, I would remind you that the Maths Head is already divorced -- but then he is a man, so I presume in your mind that makes a difference.

"'And let's be very clear, Simon, it is your mind that we are talking about, isn't it? You don't know how to deal with people who stand up to you, do you? You're frightened that the wheels might come off your wagon and that you won't have a group of willing toadies to boss around, aren't you?'

"'Be very careful, Julie, there is such a thing as slander,' he threatened, 'and if you carry on like this, I will feel duty bound to take action -- not just to protect my own reputation and that of the firm, but also to protect the school from a corrosive influence.'

"Coldly, I answered him. 'Go right ahead, Simon, you can try and bully me but I've had students more adept at threats than you. You can tell Priscilla that I will be reporting her to the governors for theft of school property, and that I regard her as having highly questionable morals. After all, it wasn't her husband she was fellating when I saw her on her knees at your party.'

"Simon tried to interrupt, but I talked over him until he shut up. 'And let's be very clear, I am divorcing Allan, and he is not coming back into this house -- the locks have already been changed', I continued, noting that I had to send David out on a shopping expedition immediately. 'If he tries to break in, I shall call the police and prosecute for trespass. As for your threats, go ahead: I'm calling your bluff.'

"A great wave of calm came over me, as I disconnected the call.

"I immediately called David's mobile and told him that the die had been cast, and to tell Fred to go right ahead, and publish. I also told him to go and get some new locks, but he told me that he had anticipated that, and had already done so. He was on the way back to fit them when I had called. I called Alison to let her know so that she could prepare for any collateral damage, and I also called the Chairman of the Board of Governors to give him a heads-up.

"I told him that there was some adverse publicity on the web which related to Priscilla but in very uncomplimentary terms, that is was provable, and that she had also been party to removing a small item of equipment from the school without authorisation. He asked me if it would affect the school directly, and I told him that I really didn't think so. It was only that Priscilla was a governor, and that I thought he should know. He asked me for the source, and I told him that it I understood that it would be on the Pikewell Players web-site. He thanked me, and suggested that we discuss it at length next week when the ramifications were clear.

"And really, Phil, that's it." I moved to lie on top of him and give him a soft thank-you kiss. I moved my knees to straddle his body, and caressed his face.

"You pretty much know the rest. I got the divorce, and Allan got nothing as the mortgage was all in my name; he never got his promotion and eventually had to move. Simon's firm collapsed: it seems that few of their clients wanted to be associated with them once the principals fell into disrepute -- the Home Counties are still very conservative. Priscilla was kicked off the Board, as were some of the others, and I did get the promotion to the Headship."

"Of course, Dani caught up with me and got my side of the whole story: I didn't realise it at the time, but when things got cold between David and I, he had called her for her advice. He had told her all about Samantha's parents, and was terrified that I was going the same way. She reassured him that there was no way I was going to go along with that sort of thing, and he should just hold tight, and it would all blow over.

"Dani and I went back to our routine of regular lunches. Then one day she told me that you were back from abroad and had retired from all your travelling. 'We are having lunch in a couple of weeks' time, and I want you to come as well,' she said. She looked into my eyes and held them. 'You thought you knew best last time, and look where it got you! Perhaps this time, you really will listen to me. I told you Allan was no good, and you've now found out that I knew what I was talking about. So when I tell you that Phil is exactly right for you, perhaps this time you'll at least listen, and won't storm out in a huff.'

I slid backwards so that I could bend forwards and start to lick his cock. As it began to stir under my ministrations, my fingers caressed his balls. After a minute or so of gentle teasing, and with now a half rigid penis, I looked back up at Phil watching me.

"I don't want to swell your head, Phil -- at least, not the one that's on your shoulders," I said smirking, "but Dani was right. You are so good for me, and I never recognised it. I just hope," I continued as I started to gently run my finger over that sensitive strip between his anus and scrotum, "that I am good for you too."

"Sweetheart," he replied, stroking my hair, "you know you are. For the first time ever, I have felt settled, and I love every minute that I am with you. Dani probably was right the first time round, but whether I would have appreciated you as much as I do now, I really don't know. Anyway, there's no point speculating, we've found each other, and that's enough for me."

I slid a little lower, and took one of his testicles in my mouth. I was swirling it round while my fingers jacked off his now stiff shaft, when that subconscious of mine suddenly kicked in -- again at the most inconsiderate moment.

"Shit!" I exclaimed, echoed loudly by the same word but in a higher register from the pillows. I had spat out his ball, and had bent his cock back towards his knees as I used it to lever myself up. "I've just realised what Dani meant all those years ago. She knew exactly what Allan was like -- she told me that she had ended up in bed with him after a couple of dates, and had immediately dropped him the following day.

"She wasn't talking about his diet that lunch time, she was talking about his attitude to sex and women. I just wasn't listening! What she really said was 'he just eats, shoots and leaves'! I just never heard the comma!"

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End Note

Some of you may recognise the punch line as the title of an excellent book bemoaning the current state of grammar by Libby Purves. I make every apology for plagiarising it for this story, but as the great Lobachevsky remarked "Plagiarise, Plagiarise, Plagiarise -- but always be sure to call it, please, Research!" (the incomparable Tom Lehrer).