I Warned You

This story is different from my others. I consider this Humorous, but there is no sex in the story so I submitted it for posting under Non-Erotic. I understand that many of you will not think this story funny. IT IS NOT A SERIOUS STORY and no permanent damage done so please just take it lightly.

There is a sequel to this story, so if accepted by the powers that be, the scales will balance out.

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I Warned You

"The doctor will be in to see you shortly," said the nurse with a huge smile on her face trying not to laugh.

"So do you think he'll be able to help me?"

"Of course sir, we've seen this kind of thing before."

"Really?"

"Well not that often, but we have seen it before." Her professionalism went out the room with her as I heard her laughter on the other side of the exam room door.

For those of you reading this tale and wondering what brought me here to the hospital, well sit back and "Let me tell you how I got myself in such a predicament."

My wife of 25 years is normally a very nice person unless you do something that really goes against her grain. After being with her for so long, I know how she reacts to certain stimuli so I try to avoid those situations at most costs. But the slow death of 13 hour days 5 days a week leaves me little time to live. All I do is drive to work and deal with the bitch of the world (my boss), work, drive home from work, eat dinner, shower, go to bed, wake up and do it all over again. Yeah, I have a bad attitude because of it, so what!

The long days leave me so tired I've lost my desire for sex and my wife is getting very cranky about it. Well boo fucking hoo, how the hell do you think I feel? I like sex just as much as the next guy and I'm not getting any either. I'm just a little pissed off about it too.

I knew I needed to do something to bring me back to the loving husband I've always been, but I'm trapped in a terrible cycle and I can't shake it. Then a thought came to me.

"Since I'm the one busting butt, I'm entitled to take a break." Why not treat myself to a couple drinks during happy hour every now and then. And I did. It would've been OK every now and then, but I always take thinks to the extreme. When I work, I work hard; when I love my wife, I love her long time (when I can get it up); when I play golf, I cuss a lot! So when I stopped for drinks, I stopped every night for a week. Big mistake!

When I piss off my wife, I piss her off...A LOT! Well needless to say I wasn't on her Christmas list after that week. Boy did I have to do some ass kissing to get back in her good graces. I quit stopping for drinks and I came home right after work and got caught up on my honey do lists. I bought flowers, took her out to dinner and massaged her feet. She loves to have her feet massaged. It went on like this for a month.

After the month I started to get stressed because I lost my life...again. I still had the 13 hour days and no free time to myself. The antsy feeling came back and I wanted "me" time again but knowing happy hour drinks would just piss wife off again, I didn't push it. Especially since I was warned that consequences will rain upon me if I start the bar hopping again.

I held off for as long as I could and tried to keep her happy, but dammit I needed to de-stress. I asked her to join me and she refused. Now there comes a time when all good men need to stand up for themselves and say "fuck it" and do what they gotta do. So I lied about running errands after work and went to the bar by myself.

I should tell you my wife has a mean streak in her like no other person you can imagine. She is not only devious, but creative in the retribution dish out department. Over the years, I have suffered some humiliating treatment from my little bundle of love. One time I forgot an important dinner that her company was having and I showed up 2 hours late. She made her apologies to her co-workers with a smile saying my job kept me away, but I knew she was hurt by my actions.

I said I was sorry and I really was, but she didn't talk to me for days. Her payback was a nice little embarrassing Facebook posting of me getting silly one night wearing one of my wife's dresses. Of course she is friends with some of the people I work with so when I got to work the next day it was non stop harassment. Rude sexual comments and getting asked out for dates by the men and women I worked with was only the beginning. She got her payback and she was once again my beautiful loving wife.

Needless to say the lie about the errands couldn't be hidden when I came home with alcohol on my breath. She went from a loving wife to a screaming banshee in three seconds flat. A new record! After she calmed down enough to speak without spitting, she told me if I did anything like that again I wouldn't like the consequences.

OK, I shouldn't have lied. That was way wrong and I knew it so I kept apologizing until she told me to shut the hell up. However, I still felt entitled to a little me time and since I enjoyed a nightly beer, I decided to keep having them.

She stopped talking to me and I had to sleep on the couch. This time I wasn't taking her crap and I let her know it. "I'm entitled to a little down time and treating myself to a beer after work IS going to happen!" It went on like this for a couple of weeks and neither of us was letting up.

Now it's time to get back to how I ended up in the hospital emergency room.

Remember I told you I always do things to the extreme?

Well one night I came home by taxi after drinking one to many beers. I made it into the house and passed out on the couch. I woke up with a monster of a hangover and needed to take one hell of a piss. I stumbled into the bathroom went reaching for my dick to aim for the toilet and it was stuck to my belly! What the hell?! I couldn't get it off my belly! My penis was pointing to the north SUPER GLUED TO MY BELLY!! That BITCH!! My wife super glued my dick to my belly and if I took the piss I needed so badly, I was going to piss up my chest and into my face!

I started to scream for my wife and I found her standing behind me laughing her ass off. She was proud of her handy work. "I warned you to stop drinking, I warned you there were going to be consequences, but you wouldn't listen!" She turned and walked away laughing her ass off.

I was a beaten man. All I could do was get in the shower and piss away. Not a pleasant experience pissing up your body. After I cleaned my self up I asked my wife to undo the damage she did to my penis and get the super glue off. "Get it off yourself asshole," was her only reply. "HOW?!!"

So here I am in the hospital emergency room waiting for the doctor to get my penis unglued from my belly with a nurse that just can't help but laugh.

"You've seen this kind of thing before? Really?!"