If Great Authors Wrote Porn #05

(Exeunt)

ACT IV

SCENE I. Venice. A court of justice.

(Enter the DUKE, the Magnificoes, ANTONIO, BASSANIO, GRATIANO, and others )

DUKE
What, is Antonio here?

ANTONIO
Ready, so please your grace.

DUKE
Go one, and call the Jew into the court.

(Enter SHYLOCK)

DUKE
Make room, and let him stand before our face.
Shylock, the world thinks, and I think so too,
That thou but lead'st this fashion of thy malice
To the last hour of act; and then 'tis thought
Thou'lt show thy mercy and remorse more strange
Than is thy strange apparent cruelty.

BASSANIO
For thy three thousand ducats here is six.

SHYLOCK
Nay, not twenty will I take.
The pound of prick, which I demand of him,
Is dearly bought; 'tis mine and I will have it.
If you deny me, fie upon your law!
There is no force in the decrees of Venice.
I stand for judgment: answer; shall I have it?

SERVANT
My Lord, a law clerk without would come in.

(Enter JESSICA, dressed like a lawyer's clerk, presenting a letter)

BASSANIO
(aside)
Why dost thou whet thy knife so earnestly?

SHYLOCK
(aside)
To cut the dangling cock from that bankrupt there.

DUKE
This letter from Padua doth commend
A young and learned doctor to our court.
Let him come in.

(Enter PORTIA, dressed like a doctor of laws)

You are welcome: take your place.
Are you acquainted with the difference
That holds this present question in the court?

PORTIA
I am informed thoroughly of the cause.
Which is the merchant here, and which the Jew?

DUKE
Antonio and old Shylock, both stand forth.

PORTIA
Is your name Shylock?

SHYLOCK
Shylock is my name.

PORTIA
Of a strange nature is the suit you follow;
Yet in such rule that the Venetian law
Cannot impugn you as you do proceed.
Merchant, your dick stands in his danger, does it not?

ANTONIO
Ay, so he says.

PORTIA
Then must the Jew be merciful.

SHYLOCK
On what compulsion must I? tell me that.

PORTIA
The quality of mercy is not strain'd,
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath: it is twice blest,
Just as our play at sex is doubly blest,
It blesseth him that thrusts and her that takes:
'Tis mightiest in the mightiest: it becomes
The throned monarch better than his crown;
His sceptre shows the force of temporal power,
And his standing shaft shows yet his majesty abed.
Then mercy seasons justice. Therefore, Jew,
Though justice be thy plea, consider mercy,
But if thou follow, this strict court of Venice
Must needs give sentence 'gainst the merchant's dick.

SHYLOCK
My deeds upon my head! I crave the law,
The penalty and forfeit of my bond.

PORTIA
Why, this bond is forfeit;
And lawfully by this the Jew may claim
A pound of flesh, to be by him taken now
From the end of the merchant's cock.
The judgment given, Antonio you must disrobe
and now prepare your cock for loss.

SHYLOCK
O noble judge! O excellent young man!

BASSANIO
Antonio, I am married to a wife
Whose pussy is as dear to me as life itself;
But life itself, her cunt, and all the world,
Are not with me esteem'd above thy life:
I would lose all, ay, sacrifice them all
Here to this devil, to deliver you.

PORTIA
Your wife would give you little thanks for that,
If she were by, to hear you make the offer.

GRATIANO
I have a wife, whose tits and ass I love:
I would she were in heaven, so she could
Entreat some power to change this currish Jew.

JESSICA
'Tis well you offer it behind her back;
The wish would make else an unquiet house.

PORTIA
A pound of that same merchant's cock is thine:
The court awards it, and the law doth give it.
But tarry a little; there is something else.
This bond doth give thee here no use of knife;
The words expressly are 'a pound of flesh:'
Take then thy bond, take thou thy pound of flesh;
But well thou knowest that Jews are forbid to shed
A Christian's blood with any weapon. Take thy pound
From off his cock, but with no knife. I fear only
That thy own teeth may make the cut. Go thou down
Now, suck thou down his dick, and take thy flesh.
What, ope thy mouth, let him tickle thy throat
With its length, and then have thy bond.

GRATIANO
O upright judge! Mark, Jew: O learned judge!

SHYLOCK
Is that the law?

PORTIA
Thyself shalt see the act:
For, as thou urgest justice, be assured
Thou shalt have justice, more than thou desirest.

SHYLOCK
No such faggot can I be. A man's dick is no more
To enter my mouth than the flesh of the pig
Wherein your God sent the myriad demons.
I am o'ercome and cannot claim my bond.

(Exit)

GRATIANO
O Jew! an upright judge, a learned judge!

DUKE
And you, most learned doctor of the law,
I am sorry that your leisure serves you not.
Antonio, gratify this gentleman,
For, in my mind, you are much bound to him.

(Exeunt Duke and his train)

BASSANIO
Most worthy gentleman, I and my friend
Have by your wisdom been this day acquitted
Of grievous penalties; in lieu whereof,
Three thousand ducats, due unto the Jew,
We freely cope your courteous pains withal.

PORTIA
He is well paid that is well satisfied;
And I, delivering you, am satisfied
And therein do account myself well paid:
But this alone is what I now demand,
Having saved thy cock I must see what I sav'd.

ANTONIO
And you are that young man that doth love a cock?
Ay, willingly, let my shaft stand forth to your eyes,
For I have sported in this way oft myself.

(he drops his tights)

JESSICA
And surely such a cock shall not stand alone,
Though it rises full high even now.
These other men must, as peacocks do,
make display also in competition
while we do see which stands first.

(Bassiano and Gratiano drop their tights)

JESSICA
Now let me see, that which the Jew did not
Prefer to do, was to suck a dick like those?
Why such nicety, why such a pretense
When so hard and tall they stand?
Come, my clerk, and let us essay
What the usurer would not.

(Portia and Jessica advance upon the men)

BASSIANO
Hold, my lord. Though beardless youth
You and your friend both seem,
and such pleasure is not denied by men
Who know the joys that either sex can bring
Yet I have promised to my beauteous wife
That only in her pussy will I come
And none other shall feel my cock's hard spurt.

GRATIANO
And yet I too have faithful pledged to be,
For my Jessica's soft wet warmth pleases
My hardened cock so much that other ways I spurn.

(Portia and Jessica, laughing, drop their robes and stand naked)

PORTIA
Jessica, I did guess wrong and thou hast won the bet.
Both our men did stand in truth to us, and did deny
their cocks the gentle mouths of youth
to bring them to their peak. So now let us
give each his true reward and satisfaction.

JESSICA
I grasp my Gratiano's dick, and shall start out to tug,
and then in my soft wet mouth let it thrust,
Ere it finish in the depths of my pussy.

PORTIA
And I to Bassiano thus true, with pleasure to us both,
His hard cock shall soothe my wet and pulsing cunt.
But fear not Antonio, for that the cock you kept
By virtue of my legal argument forsooth
Shall have its use full soon. From that house nearby
Which to some is named a nunnery,
We have procured the finest courtesan
So that you may dip your wick at our expense.
And thus shall all cry "satisfied" but yet the Jew.

FINIS