Imbalance Pt. 02

"You wanna know why Frank? Why I did what I did? Fine. I'll tell you. Because you didn't deserve her! You had a that wonderful woman at home who was just aching for attention, you couldn't care less. Night after night she waited for you to notice her. But you were always at work. You never made time for her! For your kids! Face it Frank. You don't want a family!"

It took every ounce of self-restraint to not put my fist through his face. I was so pissed I could visualize what I wanted to do to him.

"You mother fucker! Is that what you tell yourself so that you can sleep at night? Telling yourself that ol' Frank had it coming? In case you didn't realize, I HAD TO WORK! You think because you were able to swoop in and tell Claire how pretty she was that you know the slightest thing about taking care of a family? About being a husband? How do you think we got that big ass house to live in? Huh? Do you think that Claire's Lexus RX was free? Where do you think the money came from to pay for all of that shit?"

I was speaking with so much force that spit was coming from my mouth. But Doug still had no intention of backing down, let alone apologizing. He was standing his ground. He honestly felt that he had a legitimate claim here.

"Bullshit Frank! Bullshit! You and I both know that you aren't an hourly worker."

"What the fuck does that have to do with anything?"

"You could have gone home anytime you felt like. You get paid the same, whether you work 50 hours or 80. You were there because YOU WANTED TO BE THERE!"

Even in the heat of this argument, I couldn't deny the truth behind his words. It made me pause. He took that pause as an indication that he made a valid point, and he stuck his heels even more in the sand.

"You could have made time for her if you wanted to Frank. You didn't. You didn't try to make your marriage work."

He was so full of righteous indignation. I think that was my biggest issue with this situation. Both he and Claire had no remorse about this because they felt they were right. I took a step back and tried a different approach.

"Doug, tell me, when is Claire's period?"

My voice was so calm in comparison to how it was a few seconds ago, that it threw him a little. He looked confused. "Why would I know that?"

I continued. "What is Kelly allergic to? Stacy has nightmares after she watches a certain movie, yet she still watches it every time it comes on TV. What is it?

He still stood there with a perplexed look on his face. I was on a roll.

"I'll ask you some easy ones Doug. What is Kelly's favorite food? Or Stacy's?"

"I don't see what this has to do with anything."

I laughed sardonically. "Of course you don't Doug! You're busy fucking my wife! Telling her how wonderful she is, and how much of an ass I am. But here's something you don't know. Claire, Kelly, Stacy, they're a total package. You can't have Claire without having them also. The fact that you've been fucking my wife for 6 months, and haven't even tried to get to know my girls better tells me something about YOU."

He looked like he swallowed a roach. But I wasn't done with him yet.

"You think you know her because the two of you share some laughs after you roll around in the bed for a bit, but you know DICK about marriage. I was with her when she gave birth to my daughters. She almost died giving birth to Kelly by the way. I was at her aunt's funeral with her. Do you know who her aunt was? She was the one Claire ran to whenever her mother was too drunk to cook food for her and her younger sister. But you didn't know that. All you know is what kind of food my wife likes, or what position she likes to be fucked in. It's easy to love someone in between the sheets. It's what comes after that makes a marriage work."

He finally found his voice, and it was not as confident and assured as it was when he was reaming me.

"Frank, I..."

"Save it Doug. There isn't shit you can say to me. If you can do what you did to me after 13 years of friendship, how do you think you could do right by Claire and my girls? How could you even think you have what it takes to maintain a marriage and a family? If you cared about my family like you think you do, the thought of hurting my girls would kill you inside. You would do what I'm doing. You would swallow the bile, and put what you feel like doing on the backburner. You would do this because the thought of bringing them pain would far outweigh your desire to get what you wanted. But...we both know that the only thing you wanted from my family was Claire's pussy."

I started to walk out of his office. When I got to the doorway, I heard him say, "I love her Frank. Whether you believe me or not, I love her."

I stopped and shook my head. Without turning around, I said, "I don't ever want to see you again Doug. This is your only warning. One day, there will come a time when security and the police won't be able to help you. You will answer for this. It may not be today, or tomorrow. But it will happen."

With that I left him in peace. For now.

***

As the weeks dragged into months, the divorce started gaining momentum. Claire had found a lawyer (a Seal, much to my relief) and things kind of took on a life of its own. I was still staying in the house, as was she. We saw no need to get separate residences, at least for the moment. I had no problem using my office as a more permanent sleeping space. We'd come to a sort of truce about the entire thing. The pain and anger was still there for me, but it was like a dull ache.

There were times when it flared up. A giggle overheard when she was on her cellphone, or a strange gift that I knew I hadn't given her were triggers. We would get into a few rows, but after a while those instances died down. I was becoming resigned to the fate of my family, and was making peace with it.

We interacted with each other when he had to. Dinner time, dealing with the girls, etc. We didn't want to make things awkward for the girls, so we tried to keep up appearances for their sake. We never crossed the proverbial line in the sand that we drew, i.e. any form of intimacy, but we were friendly. A least on the outside.

All in all, it was the best shitty situation one could hope for.

I know the cliché of the divorced man is to throw himself into work, but for me that would be redundant. The only difference as far as the amount of time I spent at work was the freedom of not feeling guilty.

I hadn't seen or heard from Doug since our encounter. I really didn't expect to. After 13 years of friendship, a part of me missed him. Not really him, but the comradery that we had. Or I thought we had. I don't make friends easily. As sad as it is, he and Claire were the only two people that I'd considered friends. I didn't do activities that required more than one person, so meeting new people was problematic for me. My main hobby was figuring out a difficult problem that had to do with work.

Now, since I was no longer getting sex, I added the hobby of watching porn and reading erotic stories online. A beautiful young mistress by the name of Sasha Stars became my onscreen lover. Tales of cheating wives and the husbands left behind intrigued me. Reading these stories both angered me and created a vent for my frustrations. All of the things that I secretly wished I could do to Claire, I found solace in stories by like-minded authors and lived vicariously through their characters.

Neither of these activities required "team building". So while Claire got to enjoy the freedom of searching for the love life she craved, I was left alone.

As far as Claire, I tried to stay out of her business. I didn't ask if she were still seeing Doug, but I had my suspicions. She often went out, giving lightly veiled excuses for her absence. It would start with her coming to me, casually asking questions that were supposed to be innocuous. These question were about any plans that I'd made as far as going out for the night. Then she would tell me about plans that she had made and forgot about. Sometimes she was "meeting some friends"; other times she was "having a me night".

She knew that I knew. I could see it in her eyes as she gave me her paper thin explanations. She wasn't really trying hide it or be deceitful. In her mind, she was free. The marriage was only held together by the long wait for that piece of paper that made the divorce official. I think she was trying to leave me with as much dignity as she could by not throwing it in my face. She didn't leave the house all dressed and made up, like she was going on a date. She tried not to make it too obvious, yet she didn't insult my intelligence by going out of her way to get me to buy it. In a way, I was thankful for at least that consideration. But it also didn't do much to quell that anger.

I was also a little jealous. There was the whole fucking my best friend part, but there was another piece that invoked my envy. Here she was with the bright new prospect of love ahead of her, and I was stuck being alone. On the one hand, I didn't really mind being alone, but on the other hand I was irked that she had the opportunity to move on and I didn't.

But there was nothing I could do about it. She was no longer my wife. She had no responsibility to keep her vows. Hell, she'd already blown them sky high. There was no need for her to be any more faithful in divorce than she was when we were married.

Still, it burned. It seemed like I was the only one going through the pain of ending a marriage. Claire got a pass from the heartbreak, and was having a merry old time pursuing new love.

Me? I had my job.

Things would have probably continued for me in that vein until the divorce decree arrived, but life sometimes has a way of shaking you. One evening Claire was out "with friends" and I was planted in my office, like I normally was, working out algorithms. Stacy (my 8-year-old) came in my office.

"Daddy? Mrs. Benson said that she needed the money tomorrow. Mommy forgot to give it to me. Do you have it?" she asked as she walked over to me.

"Money for what sweetheart?" I asked as I hoisted her up and sat her on my lap.

"For my cheerleading uniform and my pom poms." She said surprised, as if it were something I should have already known. I thought back and vaguely remembered Claire telling me that Stacy wanted to do cheerleading. I didn't think anything of it, because I didn't realize that they had cheerleading for 8 year olds. Apparently they did. I was unaware that things had moved from her wanting to do cheerleading to her actually needing money for a uniform.

"Oh yeah! The money for cheerleading. I remember now." I lied through my teeth. She smiled and kissed me on the cheek.

"Thanks Daddy." She said as she shimmied off of my lap. Before she exited I asked, "Sweetie, how much was it again?"

I was expecting her to say something in the 40's or 50's. How much could a cheerleading uniform cost for an eight-year-old? I almost choked when she said, "One hundred and ninety-eight dollars, and ninety-nine cents." She pronounced every syllable proudly. But even her cute voice didn't make that number sound any better. However, once she was gone out of the room, I was fighting with a whole other demon.

I didn't even know she was in cheerleading. What kind of father has no idea what activities his daughter is up to?

That thought plagued me. What further vexed me was the knowledge that had I missed her events, it wouldn't have been a big deal. More of the same o same o. Claire would have made excuses for me, I'm sure. My daughter would have been given some "daddy is busy, but he sends his love" explanation. But she shouldn't have to. Claire shouldn't be put in the position to make my daughter understand why daddy can't be there. Military kids have to understand that. Their fathers and mothers are fighting for our country. Their absence actually means something. Here I was, in the same city and state as my daughters, and they have to understand why their father has no time for them?

But I'm working hard for them. To give them the life that I never had.

Wrong. You are working hard for YOU. You enjoy working hard. More than you enjoy your family. You are at work because that is where you really want to be.

Was that true? Of course it was. I knew it. I've always known it. I hid behind the excuse that I was doing it for my family, but I couldn't support that lie anymore. I didn't get paid any more money working 80 hours a week than I got working 50. I didn't have to come home and keep working. I did it because I loved the job more than I loved my family.

That's not true! I love my family!

If I had to make a choice between saving my family and my job, which would I choose? Hell, I'd already made that choice. All of the times Claire begged me to spend time with her. All of the vacations that I cancelled because there was a problem that I felt no one could solve but me. All of the birthdays that I missed. I always chose work over my family. Now, my family was being taken away from me, and it doesn't even make me miss a beat.

I guess this situation was sort of Karmic justice for me. No matter how much of an ass Doug was, he was right about one point. During our marriage, I almost always chose work over Claire. Now, the seeds of imbalance that I planted once upon a time had sprouted into a full blown tree. My family was slipping away from me, and I had no choice but to spend time at work.

Staring at your reflection with no blinders is daunting. That's what I did metaphorically. What I saw was a monster. Maybe not the kind of monster who harms his kids, but a monster nonetheless. I was a monster who thought he was a hero. The damage that I did to my kids was justified because I made good money. I was able to wave it off and still say that I love them. In my mind, I didn't have to be there to show them love. I can just buy it to ease my guilt for wanting to be someplace else.

I closed the lid to my laptop, shutting off my work. I would deal with that stuff tomorrow. I had more important things to do right now.

"Girls!" I yelled out as I walked out of my office. "Who wants to go out for pizza and ice cream?"

The shrieks of joy made me smile. It was music to my ears.

***

911. Call me immediately! The girls are gone! I thought u were staying home with them! Plz get home so we can find them!

That was the desperate text that I got as the girls and I sat in the restaurant. Between us was a half-eaten pizza and three empty bowls of ice-cream. My daughters had barely nibbled on their slice of pizza before they were begging for dessert. It's funny how they were too full to finish their dinner, yet found the room to completely decimate their frozen treat.

Girls r safe. They r w me. I shot back to Claire.

Thank God! Was the reply I got. I almost put my phone away when another text came through. U took the girls out?

I didn't respond to that. You see, my girls were in the middle of serenading me with "Let it Go" from the movie "Frozen". They belted the lyrics out in a unified voice as loud as they could. I may be biased, but I think that they sounded better than the cartoon version singing it.

I looked around me expecting to find annoyed customers, but what I saw was a restaurant full of smiling people who were looking at my daughters and cheering them on. Kelly and Stacy sang their hearts out, completely oblivious to the audience that they had. I used my phone and started recording. I noticed that several of the people (most likely parents of kids my daughters' ages) were mouthing the words to the song along with them. When the girls finished with a sassy, "The cold never bothered me anyway" the entire restaurant exploded in applause and cheers.

What the girls did next floored me. Normally when a person realizes that they have an unexpected audience, they get embarrassed. Stacy, obviously not shy like her father, actually got out of her seat and took a bow. Kelly soon joined at her side, and the two performers took a unified bow to their adoring fans. I don't think I ever witnessed anything that was simultaneously as beautiful and as funny as the sight of my daughters bowing and blowing kisses, like they'd just finished a Broadway play.

This is what I was missing out on. All of these years.

I couldn't stop smiling. My girls, my beautiful girls, were growing up so fast. And they were fucking amazing! While I was constantly trying to make a better engine, or improve the latest stats, I was missing precious moments like this. What if I hadn't done this tonight? What if I just stayed home, like I'd done countless other nights, and banged away at my keyboard? I would still be blind. What if more years had passed before I woke up? How long were Kelly and Stacy going to stay this young and innocent?

I realized that I didn't want to look back years from now and NOT have memories of moments like this. When my girls come home with boyfriends and fiancés, I want to embarrass them by telling stories of tonight and other nights like it.

When things died down, I paid the check and we left. When we got in the car, Stacy said, "Thank you for the ice-cream daddy. I like it when you take us out."

"You're welcome sweetpea. Thanks for the song."

She giggled. "You're welcome. You're the best daddy ever!"

Within moments, my girls were fast asleep. I drove the rest of the way home in silence. The best daddy ever. Kids very rarely see the flaws in their parents when they are young. No matter how much we neglect them, and put them on the backburner, they still think we walk on water.

Even when we don't.

When I pulled into the driveway, I shot Claire a text. In driveway. Girls sleep. Need help. Moments later Claire came out and grabbed Kelly. She instantly wrapped her arms and legs around Claire. Stacy did the same to me when I lifted her. We carried our daughters to their rooms. Once we got them laid down, we met in the hallway.

"So, you stopped working long enough to take them out. I'll bet they loved that! What did you guys do?" she asked, not able to hide the surprise in her voice.

"We went out for pizza and ice cream. Then they serenaded me with a song." I couldn't help but laugh at the memory. "You should have seen them Claire! They were amazing. The entire restaurant sang along with them. Then, when everyone cheered, they got up and bowed. They bowed! I have never seen anything like it."

We shared a laugh as I showed her the video. We had to squeeze in close so that both of us could see it. Being that close to her felt odd after everything that happened as of late. She must have felt it too, because she shot me a quick glance as she took a step back.

"I'm glad you got to spend time with Kelly and Stacy. It was really nice of you. You should do that more often. They're gonna need it when..." her voice trailed off without finishing the sentence. But she didn't really have to.

"Yeah. I know. I'm gonna make some changes. Tonight was an eye opener for me. I don't want to miss out on their childhood. I've already lost you. I don't want to lose them."

She looked strangely at me, as if trying to see if I was being facetious or not. I was speaking honestly and from the heart, and I guess that she saw that. Her face had a flash of regret cross it, but it went away quickly.

"Well, no matter what you do, they will love you. That's how children are."

"Too bad adults aren't like that." I said without thinking. It was meant to be under my breath, but I said it loud enough for her to hear. Once again, the regret crossed over her face, and this time it didn't go away.