In Love We Trust

Despite my anger, which at times flared red-hot, I still loved Lana deeply and dreaded the thought of living the rest of my life without her. I was in a real quandary, and decided to put off making any decision until Lana and Mark came home and Ann and I could talk to them face to face.

When Lana came in, dragging her suitcase behind her with a real hang dog expression on her face, it took all of my will power not to run over to her, take her in my arms and comfort her.

Lana closed the front door, set her suitcase aside, looked up at me with tear-filled eyes and sobbed, "I... I'm so s-sorry, Paul!"

That made me furious "You're sorry, I'm sorry, Ann and Mark are sorry, we're all fucking sorry! Yes, this is certainly a sorry state of affairs! The question is, what are we going to do about it?" I said.

"I... I don't know, Paul, all I know is that I can't lose you. It would kill me!"

"Just what do you think the past week has done to Ann and me?"

"Yes, what about Ann? I saw the way you were holding her at the airport, and every time Mark or I called, you answered each other's phone. Before you get so high and mighty maybe you should tell me just what you two were doing!"

I couldn't help laughing.

"You actually fell for that dumb trick?! I guess it's true, cheaters think that everyone else cheats.

"We did that just to mess with your heads, but as long as we're going there, just what were you two doing for the past week? You knew we were onto you, but you still got on that plane, still spent the week at your conference. How can I believe that he didn't fuck what's left of your brains out?"

"I don't know what to tell you, Paul!" she cried, "I honestly thought about not getting on the plane, but my mind was in such turmoil I had to get away. Then, when I couldn't reach you and I thought our marriage might be over, I thought that I'd better finish the course to hopefully get my promotion. Of course, I was so upset, so teary-eyed, and so afraid that you might be having us watched, that I couldn't concentrate and failed the course anyway!

"I know I have no way to prove it, and I have no right to ask you to believe me, but Mark and I didn't do anything intimate. It may help you to believe me when I admit that part of the reason was that we were afraid that we were being watched. But please believe me if you can, that as the days passed, I realized how foolish I had been, and how much I loved you, and was terrified that I had lost you forever."

"Well, that was certainly a moving story, and I can't tell you how much I want to believe it, but you must know how hard it is."

"Yes, Paul, I understand, I can't say truthfully that I would believe you if our positions were reversed."

"Well, I think we are both under a lot of stress right now, and I don't think we should take any drastic actions until our emotions settle down.

"I was going to suggest a separation..." Lana gasped in shock. "I've decided that might be a little extreme right now, but I don't want to rule it out, either. However, for the time being I think you should move to the guest room until we get things at least somewhat resolved."

I could tell that she was thinking about objecting, but she probably realized how firm I got when I was resolved. "Okay," she said. Her voice was very low.

"Next, I think we should get some counseling, individual for you, to see what brought this on, and to take whatever steps we can to prevent a reoccurrence. We should also get some joint counseling, to determine if we can or should continue this marriage, and then work on it or to make a clean break if we can't."

Lana, once again, agreed.

"Would you like some help moving your things?" I asked.

Stifling a sob, Lana said, "No, thank you," and went upstairs to begin moving her things.

I did my research trying to choose a counselor. Part of me didn't want a woman counselor, afraid that she might be biased towards Lana. I decided that Lana would be more comfortable with a woman for her private sessions, and that we should use the same counselor for the joint sessions. We could deal with any apparent bias as the need arose. Dr. Lily Chisholm came highly recommended, so I called and made an appointment for the following Tuesday.

Dr. Chisholm advised that we meet jointly to start, to see if we could come to some agreement on the goals for the counseling. Lana and I readily agreed and made our arrangements.

Monday morning, after completing my morning routines, I wasn't ready yet for any interaction with Lana. I left for work quickly without eating any breakfast, preferring to grab something on the way to work.

**********

I came downstairs to find Paul already gone, put on some coffee and made myself a simple breakfast. While waiting for the coffee to brew, I sat with my head in my hands, once again questioning how I let myself get into this position. When the coffee was ready I poured it into a large travel mug, added some cream and sugar and left for work, wondering what I would face when I got there.

When I arrived, I was immediately directed to report to my boss, Bill Henderson. Dreading what I was about to face, I stood up straight, squared my shoulders and made my way to Henderson's office, prepared to face the music.

Entering his office, I closed the door and he told me to sit down in the chair in front of his desk.

"I suppose you're wondering why I called you in here, Lana."

"Actually, I think I have a pretty good idea, Mr. Henderson."

"Please, Lana, I think we've worked together long enough that you can call me Bill."

"All right, Mr. Hen... I mean, Bill."

"I have received the results of the training program, and I think it's fair to say that you did... poorly."

I just looked down at my hands, unable to think of anything to say.

"In fact you failed the course, as did Mr. Jacobs. You don't think there's some connection, do you?"

"I don't know how much you may know or have heard, Mr... Bill, but Mark and I are both having personal issues that I'm afraid caused us to be, um, distracted, and not able to concentrate on the course."

"Yes, Lana, I am aware of these 'personal' issues. I have re-assigned Mr. Jacobs to minimize their impact, but Mr. Jacobs has indicated he may be moving back to his wife's hometown, so it may be moot. The question, Lana, is what can we do about you? You are aware that under the Morality Clause in our Corporate Standards and Procedures, if an employee engages in inappropriate behavior with a subordinate, that is grounds for immediate dismissal?"

"Yes, Bill, I realize I have behaved in an inappropriate manner, and have placed you in an awkward position, and right now I can't even explain it to myself, let alone to you or anyone else. All I can say is that my marriage is hanging by a thread and I will be seeing a counselor to try to resolve my personal issues. At this moment, as shaky as it is, this job is the most stable thing in my life, and if I should lose it, I just might lose my mind.

"I can assure you that if you allow me to stay in my position I will do my best not to be a distraction. I know that people will still talk, but I will provide no more fodder for the rumor mill, and I think and hope that in time people will lose interest and find other things to gossip about. If that doesn't work out, we can then look into other arrangements.

"As you said, we've worked together for a long time, and I think you will agree that until this... lapse, it has been mutually beneficial."

"All right, Lana, you've convinced me, for now. I'll be watching, and listening closely, and any further unprofessional behavior will not be tolerated. If this continues to be a distraction, I may have to reconsider my position.

"Let's talk again in three or four weeks. Hopefully, by then, things will have settled down here and maybe you'll have a better handle on your other issues."

"Thank you, Bill," I said. "Under the circumstances, that's probably more than I could have hoped for."

I returned to my office feeling like all eyes were on me, but every time I looked around every eye seemed to be looking elsewhere. I exchanged a brief greeting with Sarah, who seemed a bit more detached than usual. I went into my office, closed the door and sat down wearily. Sighing to myself, I got to work, stopping only for a quick sandwich at my desk.

At the end of the day, I straightened my desk, grabbed my jacket and purse and left my office. Sarah was already gone as were most of the rest of the staff.

When I returned home I made myself a frozen dinner, had a hot bath to try to relax, then went to bed early, just as I heard Paul come in the front door. I cried myself to sleep as I hoped for better days to come.

**********

The next day, Lana and I rode together to Dr. Chisholm's office, each alone with our own thoughts.

After we walked into Dr. Chisholm's office, shook hands and got the social niceties out of the way, we all sat down and Dr. Chisholm began:

"First of all, I want to make it clear that unlike many counselors I have no agenda here. I'm not here to 'save' your marriage." Lana gave out a small gasp. "I'm not trying to end it, either. I'm here to help you determine the best course of action for yourselves, and to help you achieve your goals. Now, would either of you care to tell me what happened to put your marriage in jeopardy?"

Lana nodded to me, and I began, "I recently discovered that over the past several months Lana has been carrying on a secret relationship with a new subordinate at her job. I can't be positive, but I believe that until recently they have not been intimate."

Lana started to speak when Dr. Chisholm told her, "Please be patient, Mrs. Holmes, you will have your chance to respond. Please continue, Mr. Holmes; what happened to change your view of your wife's faithfulness?"

"Recently, Lana arranged an out of town trip with Mark Jacobs, the 'gentleman' in question. While she was open about his attendance on this trip, she also lied about another woman accompanying them. She also made an effort to hide some sexy lingerie that she was taking on the trip from me. Before they saw us, they were holding hands and he felt her up. In addition, even though they noticed that Mark's wife Ann and I were at the airport watching them, they not only got on the plane anyway, but they stayed for the entire class."

"I can see how that could give you cause for concern, Mr. Holmes. Mrs. Holmes, do you have anything you would like to say at this time?"

"Only that I take full responsibility for this situation. I'm truly sorry that I have hurt Paul this way, and beg Paul to believe that nothing happened."

"We can get into the details of how and why things got started later. Somehow, I don't think they are deal breakers. I would like to hear from you your reasons for continuing on this trip, knowing that your husband was aware that there was more to it than you had told him."

"Please believe me, I wish I knew; because if I hadn't gone we might not be here, or at least not at such a critical point in our relationship! I have been going over and over it in my mind, and I can't come up with anything better than what I already told Paul, that I was all aflutter, seeing him there with Ann, and wasn't thinking straight. Then, when we arrived and couldn't talk to Paul or Ann, I decided that I had to complete the course in case my marriage ended and I would need the extra income from the promotion I hoped to get. Of course, we were both so nervous that we ended up failing the course anyway."

"Why couldn't you talk to your spouses?"

"Every time I called Paul's phone, Ann would answer and hang-up. The same when Mark called Ann, Paul would answer and hang-up. We were sure that they were together, maybe having some sort of 'revenge affair'. They wouldn't respond to our texts, either."

"What is your current relationship with Mr. Jacobs?"

"There isn't one. There have been enough rumors circulating about us that he's already been reassigned. I also understand that he and his wife may be returning to their hometown in an effort to save their marriage."

"Besides the obvious," said Dr. Chisholm, "what is the status of your relationship? Are you still living together? Sleeping together?"

"We're definitely not sleeping together!" I exclaimed. "For the present, Lana is staying in the guest room. I may still ask her to move out of the house, but for now this seems like a workable arrangement."

"All right," said Dr. Chisholm, "I think I've got a good understanding of your issues, I will need several sessions with Mrs. Holmes to get to the bottom of what led her into this relationship. This may strike some as strange, but I'm not sure how much help I can be for the two of you. I am certainly happy to work with you and give you what guidance I can, but ultimately, Paul, it comes down to you. Can you believe Lana when she says nothing happened on the trip? Can you accept her explanation for her having the relationship with Mr. Jacobs in the first place? I know it's a cliché, but clichés become clichés for a reason, and this one is, 'Will you be happier with her or without her?' The only person who can answer that is you."

After Lana scheduled a private session with Dr. Chisholm, we all stood up, Lana and I shook hands with Dr. Chisholm and made our way out.

The ride home was quiet, each of us lost in our own thoughts.

For my part, I knew that Dr. Chisholm had hit the nail squarely on the head. Could I ever trust Lana again? I felt that I already knew the answer to Dr. Chisholm's last question; as angry as I was with Lana, until this crisis, my time with Lana was the happiest time in my life. If I could somehow come to trust her again, I would definitely be happier with her.

But, "trust," that was the "$64,000 Question."

Arriving home, we ate a quiet dinner, speaking only as much as necessary, watched a little mindless TV, neither of us really aware of what we were watching, then retired to our separate bedrooms for a fitful night's sleep.

This was our routine for the next few days until Lana's first private session with Dr. Chisholm.

**********

My mind was a whirlwind, as I hoped that Dr. Chisholm could help me figure out what was wrong with me, how I could hurt Paul that way. I obviously had no idea what Paul would decide, but I knew that if I couldn't get a handle on my own situation, I would be at risk in any relationship whether it be with Paul or some future partner.

As I entered the doctor's office, I sat down in a comfortable chair in front of Dr. Chisholm's desk and waited as she looked over her notes.

"Mrs. Holmes... may I call you Lana?"

"Yes, of course, Doctor."

"Lana, have you thought about what happened that made you think that it would be okay to have a relationship with another man, a subordinate at work, no less?"

"Oh, God, it sounds so awful when you say it like that..."

"That's because it is awful, Lana. I know we haven't known each other very long, but I feel confident in saying that I don't believe you are an awful person. Yet, you did an awful thing, and somehow, on some level, you convinced yourself that if it wasn't okay that it at least wasn't awful. Do you have any ideas on that?"

"I'm not sure, Dr. Chisholm. I think that at least part of the problem was that it was gradual. I didn't wake up one morning and say, 'Oh, boy! I'm going to cheat on Paul today!'

"I guess it began when Mark Jacobs joined my group. Now, I've worked with attractive men before, including some real pussy hounds, and I've never had a problem keeping them at arm's length, keeping things professional.

"I'd like to blame it on some sort of a 'mid-life crisis', but I'm only in my early thirties, and don't even feel like I'm approaching the hill, let alone be over it!"

"Well then, what do you think made things different with Mark?"

"I wish I could tell you! As I said, it was gradual, beginning with the kind of fairly innocent flirting that you can see in any office. As time went by the flirting grew in intensity, and we began to make excuses to be near each other. Whenever I thought about it, I couldn't believe what I was doing! I thought about all those male bosses who abused their positions, and how much I despised them, but then I thought that I wasn't doing anything that Mark didn't want, Hell, he was probably hitting on me more than I was hitting on him!

"I began to develop a sense of entitlement, as if this was just another perk of my position. As time went on, it just became easier and easier to justify what we were doing. I can't speak for Mark, and I see now how wrong it was, but at the time, I honestly didn't see what we were doing as wrong. How crazy is that?"

"Well, that's not exactly an official diagnosis." She laughed. "I do know what you mean, though."

"You know what the worst part is? It's not that I may have irreparably damaged my marriage; it's not that while I may still have a job, my career is essentially over, my chances for advancement are pretty much nil; it's the pain I inflicted on the man I love more than life itself. When I looked up at Paul and Ann at the airport, he had such a look of anger and hatred on his face. I know Paul. That was just a mask, covering up the hurt that I know he was feeling. I don't know why he hid his pain, maybe he thought I didn't love him anymore and didn't want to give me the satisfaction of seeing him hurt. Maybe it was just his pride, or whatever. But I know he had to be dying inside, and it was all my fault!" I said as I broke down crying.

Dr. Chisholm waited while I pulled myself together. As soon as I settled down she began again. "Lana, I don't want to give you false hope, but I believe when there is love there is a chance to save your marriage. I believe that Paul does love you, but we have two hurdles to overcome.

"First, we have to help him to understand that as bad as your actions were, and as much as you planned on making things worse, you didn't go that far. You didn't, did you?"

"No! Of course not. I guess that comes across as a bit hollow, given what I did, but it's true. What is the second hurdle?"

"Trust. This is the most difficult task for you. You have to accept that even if you reconcile, Paul will probably never trust you as implicitly as he did before this. It will certainly take a while to establish any sort of real trust. You have to be prepared for some suspicion from Paul, some of which may seem unreasonable to you. The natural reaction would be to lash out over this, to tell him to 'get over it.' This is the worst thing that you can do; it will only re-open the old wounds that you will have worked so hard to try to heal. It will be hard, you'll find yourself biting your tongue a lot while you smile through gritted teeth, but it is necessary.

"As I said he will probably never completely trust you, but as time goes by his suspicion will gradually diminish. There will be occasional flare-ups, when you are later than expected or whatever. You need to prepare yourself for these, and hopefully be able to reassure him as needed.

"Over time, things should begin to approach something resembling 'normal', but you can never totally let down your guard. If you want to have a surprise party for Paul, have a friend or relative organize it; you don't want to be sneaking around, arousing Paul's suspicions. Make sure he has all your passwords, and assure him that he shouldn't feel guilty about checking up on you. Don't push him for sex, and for Heaven's sake don't try to seduce him! He'll think that you're trying to buy his forgiveness with sex, and make him wonder why you feel the need for that. You may arouse his suspicions again about what you and Mark may have done.

"As I said, it will be hard, many people can't take the stress and just call it quits. You need to take some time and decide if you can take the pressure. Remember, it's not how much you love Paul, just about everyone in these situations believes they love their spouse. But, loving your spouse and being able to take the pressure are two different things, so think it over very carefully.