All Comments on 'In Love With My Best Friend Ch. 02.5'

Ok - love the energy and the content is hot. BUT, here goes:

Too much detail about the surroundings, the interactions - concentrate on the dirty stuff

Too much dialogue.

Never mention things that make the story less raunchy (eg being on the pill)

More description of her body, how they I interact with each others' bodies

Always say how old they are, or give cues (I don't want to have to read a separate chapter for that)

Build momentum, you can kill a strong passage by attempting to explain how the characters feel (eg where you have "Danny was stunned".)

Holly is smoking hot. Keep up the amazing work. Write how it comes to you not how other people would like it to be and your work will just keep getting better.