All Comments on 'In Over His Head Ch. 04'

Further character development, always good, especially with Bernadette(?). I can easily see her wanting to take a more motherly role with him, he is the right size, as she starts to fall for him like the other girls. I do wonder if this will be an actual harem or if he will just be in love with Yagaritte. I never see an actual - in love with all of the girls ending. It is always the one girl who wins in the end.

Also, if you could, can you put the description of each girl either before the story or after? There are a lot of girls to remember and that might help, especially with the time between chapters.

The story is a very good read but just like succubus somming it gets to the importent parts then it stops ,very dis a pointing

I can't read this story series any more, sorry. Page 3, your narration of the love scene: it's rather hard to follow what's happening in a coherent way. Arms and legs moving in ways that are for me impossible to make sense of. Worse, when Edovan cums and passes out: it's completely nonsensical, and a total disappointment to the reader. The whole scene - he's ignored and just sitting there with a stiffie between the two, and i get the teasing element. But then suddenly he cums and passes out, and Mint happens to walk in just to make sure the reader's mood is obliterated. If Edovan's really disappointing climax happened for some magical reason, you need to explain that, otherwise it just makes no sense and comes off as bad storytelling. And the whole thing with Yagaritte entering the scene before resolving the trust issues his stupid memory crystal event caused defies plausibility. Heck that whole thing with him starting up 20 porno videos in her private quarters also defied plausibility. I suspect there's some magical reason for Edovan to be such a cowardly idiot, but you need to really make it clear to readers that magic is causing stupid plot events and not a bad author. Your writing style is quite good otherwise, please don't let my feedback discourage you! Just need to work a bit on polishing your work up to have adequate plot hints to allow readers to maintain plausibility at all times and keep them in the reading flow.

It's obviously apparent you not good enough to to write a novel because you start off with a plot like mavka you start off but you don't go any futher, why even bring her up if that's all your going to write,your stories leaves a person disappointed