In the Name of Desire

"Well, I feel as if something isn't right, we are missing something I think, and it feels like all of a sudden things are starting to whirlwind with us."

"Ok, so you are saying what?"

"Umm, I am saying I think we should cancel this party tonight. Because, there is something else you should know."

"Well what is it? Tell me." I sigh, and feel knots in my stomach.

"I don't know how to say this without hurting you."

"My god, please tell me."

"Look, I just don't know if we can get past this."

"Can you give me an idea of what this something would be?"

"I don't know how to tell you. I don't mean it as anything against you, but I feel as though my passion with you has died or something. I don't feel energy when we are together. There is a certain element missing for me, and I don't what to do really. I think it's something in me that makes it feel wrong for us in ways."

"Wow. I had no idea you had those kind of feelings. Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I don't know, I think I just tried to push it out of my mind because I love you. But, there is something else I need to tell you. I know this is not going to be easy. You have every right to be angry. But, last night, I ran into an ex of mine. And, well, I ended up being with him last night. I never intended to, things just escalated. I almost felt I didn't know what I was doing. I know it was wrong, completely wrong, and I feel so awful about it."

"I don't know what to say Amy. I never would have expected you to do something like this. I can't believe you would do this to me, to us. I thought we were in love."

"I know Brad. That's why this is killing me so much. I don't know what to say except I am terribly sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, I know I made a terrible decision. I can't believe it did it myself. I'm sorry." Although you are kind of hard to read, I can see the anger and hurt in your face, I feel miserable.

"I just don't know what to say. I think I need to go for a ride or something to think."

"Please, I know you are upset, but you shouldn't have to leave. I can leave, this is your place, I'll go."

"I know, I am sorry. I'm going to get some of my things so you can be alone." I go to the bedroom to toss some of my clothes into a bag. "I'll be at friends' for awhile." I approach the door and you stop me there. You look intently into my eyes questioning me now.

"I don't know what will happen. This is an awful shock. I don't know what to say right now. So I'll say goodbye for now. Drive safely."

"Bye Brad." I squeeze your hand before turning to walk out the door. You stare after me for a minute, then shut the door.

I am crying now as I pull away from the house that was supposed to be ours together. I dial my friend Sarah before getting onto the road. Of course she tells me to drive on over to her place. Unfortunately, she lives almost two hours away. But she is the person I feel I need to talk to right now. When I finally arrive at her place, we talk for hours about what has happened.

"Sarah, why did I cheat on Brad? I feel like such a horrible person."

"Sweetie, I don't know, but there must be a reason behind it all. Is something wrong between you and Brad.?

"Now there is, otherwise no, we have been great. I mean we got engaged just two weeks ago. I love him, but..."

"But, there is always a but, and you know what that means don't you? It means you are happy in ways, but there is something that is making you unsatisfied. You are happy, but, this or that is wrong for you."

"The thing that is wrong, is what I feel for Ryan. I don't feel that same intense passion with Brad as I do with Ryan. In other ways, Brad seems good for me. He's sweet, loving, and good to me. After what I did, I feel like I don't deserve him even."

"Don't think like that, it's not going to help you any. Either these feelings for Ryan need to be resolved or explored. Or you have to face the fact that you and Brad aren't meant to be together regardless of Ryan. Did you feel this way before you ran into him last weekend?"

"Well, not really until we got engaged. I just started to feel that things were moving really fast all of a sudden. I think I just started to get nervous about us getting married."

"Sweetie, there you go. That is exactly it, I think you are afraid of getting married to him. Now you see everything that is wrong between you. You are focused on it since you are starting to doubt, and seeing Ryan only fueled your doubts. I'm not saying they aren't legitimate, I'm sure they are. It's important that you decide what is best for you. Trying to work things out with Brad, or taking a huge risk and seeing where things go with Ryan. Are you willing to start all over from scratch, or do you want to try and fix things with you and Brad?"

"I don't know, my head tells me I should fix things with Brad. But, there is that part of me that wants to explore things further with Ryan. Do I make the logical choice, or go in pursuit of some wild chance based on my desires."

"That's something I can't decide for you, you have to make the decision. Or you could just keep Ryan as a spare on the side." You offer jokingly.

"That would never work. I could never live a lie. I felt so guilty, it wasn't long after he came home today that I had to tell him what happened. My conscience wouldn't let me get away with that."

"Well think about it carefully. Take your time. That's the best thing I can think of to tell you sweetie." I stayed there and visited until Monday morning. Then I stopped at another good friend's house, I trust her advice also

It was a very difficult thing for me to discuss with then since she is quite conservative. However, she advised me to follow my heart and my head together. After two days there, I decided to stay at my friend Jenny's for one night. Finally, on Thursday I got a call from Brad.

"Hi. How are you?" I ask him.

"I'm ok, been a lot better though I must say. How have you been?"

"Ok, I was at a few different friends, just kind of thinking about things for the past two days."

"I would like to talk to you in person about it here. I would like you to come home soon. That is if you want to."

"Yea, I know we need to talk about this one way or another."

"So when will you be here?"

"If I leave now I can be there around five. If that's ok with you."

"Yea, that's good, we have a gig to play tomorrow out of town, so I will be leaving shortly after work. But I have time tonight.

"Ok, I will leave shortly. See you around five then. I arrive a few minutes before five. I walk to the front door and turn the knob. I see you sitting at the kitchen table when I come inside. "Hi Brad."

"Hi. Why don't you sit down so we can talk. Did you eat dinner?"

"I stopped on the way, so I'm ok."

"I haven't eaten yet, hell I haven't eaten much all week."

"I'm so sorry Brad." I say taking your hand. "I never wanted this to happen. I don't know what has come over me. I think I must be crazy for what I did."

"I am very upset about it, but I don't want to lose you either deep down. I don't know what it will take for us to get past this."

"I know. I don't know what to think either anymore."

"Well, tell me this, do you want us to be together? Or have you really had that much of second thoughts about us?"

"Well, I have had doubts about us, and I'm not sure where they are coming from. So I guess I'm not sure how to deal with them. I'm sorry, I am making everything so difficult."

"It's certainly not going to be easy that's for sure. I want to say we just need some time together away, but, we just did that. And we also had some time apart in there too, so I can't think of another way to fix things right now."

"Hmm, well, we could keep talking things over and see where that goes. I have an idea, why don't we both take some time, and write out how we feel, what we want, how we want things to be, what we need from each other, things like that."

"You want us to do this right now then?"

"Yes, I think we should. Sometimes it's better to get things out on paper first."

"Ok. Why don't I go downstairs, and you go in the bedroom or something." We go off to write.

"Dear Brad, first of all I want to tell you how much you mean to me. I am so sorry for what I have done that is hurting you so much. I wish there was something I could do to erase it all, but I can't change the past. In truth, I don't know if we should get married for sure. It seems most people get married with the thought "If it doesn't work out, we can get divorced." I am a believer that if you get married it should be for life. Not until you get tired of it, or when things get rough.

The thing is, what made me stray from you? In ways, it feels like the passion is not as it could be, something is missing. Maybe we just need to do some things differently. I think its my problem, not something you are doing. Nevertheless, I hope we can work things out. Amy."

This is the letter I write.

From Brad: "Amy, I don't know how to express my feelings. I feel betrayed and hurt at this point. I will try to do this for the sake us. I guess I never saw it coming, I thought everything was great between us. I took it for granted that you were satisfied with our relationship. Maybe I did move things too quickly in the past month, I guess it hasn't been that long that we have been together. I guess I feel like I am ready to settle down.

Amy, I want to be with you. But I am just so hurt and angry now. I guess maybe we should take a break from each other, and see how we feel. We really didn't have a break, when you were away, we talked almost every day then. So I guess that is what I need to say right now. I still love you, but I think we need to take some time apart from our relationship. Brad."

We exchange letters and read them. You go into the living room and sit on the couch to read mine. I sit on the bed carefully reading every word. I am crying as I read the words, especially as I come to the end. You must still be reading mine, so I put yours down, and go to the closet and take out a suitcase to get more of my things together.

You still haven't come in ten minutes later, and I have this suitcase almost filled now. I slide your ring off of my finger, and place it on the dresser top. You finally appear at the bedroom door as I am closing the suitcase.

"Amy. Wait. You don't have to leave right now." You say coming in.

"No, I do, I need to be alone." I see that you were crying too. I take the suitcase and walk by where you stand. You try to grab me as I come by, but I pull away. "I'm sorry Brad, I have to go now."

"I'm sorry. I don't want this to be the end of us you know. I just think we need a break to try and get past all of this."

"Ok. Well good bye Brad." I say and quickly head for the door to leave. I'm not sure where I should go right now. I don't have my apartment anymore. I quit my job before I left, and am waiting to start an internship since I returned. But this internship won't begin for another three weeks.

Starting to cry again, I pull off on the side of the road to compose myself. I decide to go to my employer and see if they still need me. Turns out they do still, so I am asked to work the next morning. Of course I agree, anything to keep my mind off things, if only a little. My friend lets me stay with her for now. Then on Sunday, at the end of this emotionally exhausting week, I get a voice message from Ryan.

"Hi Amy, it's Ryan. Please, give me a call back. I really want to talk to you. Thank you." I am shocked that he called me. I really was not expecting him to, I thought it would just be one of those things that happened and it's over.

I debate for an hour whether I should call him back. After I leave work, I decide to return his call against my better judgment.

"Hi Amy, I'm really glad to hear from you. I want to talk to you."

"About what?"

"Well, about us. What happened last weekend. That was so unbelievable. I thought I'd never see you again. And then...."

"Ryan you know that really shouldn't have happened. I mean it did, and it was incredible, but it shouldn't have happened."

"Are you still going to be with your fiancé?"

"I don't know. It's pretty complicated."

"Look, I want to see you again. I have been thinking about you all week. So please call me. I'd like to hear from you soon."

"I can't promise you anything Ryan. Even if Brad and I split up, I don't know that we could be together."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I don't know how things would be between us."

"If you ask me, things are pretty hot between us even after all this time. You know, that's got to count for something. And I like being with you."

"Look, I don't know where things are going right now. Just give me some time to figure out all of this. I have a lot to deal with now."

"Ok, I can do that. I hope you choose me though, I think we can be great together. If you would give me the chance. I know things never went anywhere with us before, but I'm maturing. So I hope you will consider it."

"We'll see what happens."

"Ok, I guess that's fair. I hope to hear from you Amy."

"Ok, I'll talk to you sometime then, Bye.

"Bye." Wow, I don't think things could get anymore complicated. I am at a loss for what to do. I know its important that I should try and patch things up with Brad, but he wants time off from us. Now Ryan says he wants to be with me. This is certainly an emotional whirlwind. I know I shouldn't rush into anything even if I do decide to pick Ryan. I need to give myself time to get over Brad.

I go through the next week and try to figure out where my life is now headed. Do I want to work on things with Brad? Will he even want to get back together again? I know Ryan really seems to want to be with me. Nothing is for sure with either of them of course. But at this point, after not hearing from Brad all week, I am losing hope for us.

Saturday at work I arrive to find flowers delivered for me. From Brad? I doubt it, but still wonder. To my surprise, the roses are from Ryan. The card says: "I'm thinking of you. Hope you're thinking of me. Call me. Ryan." I guess he hasn't given up on the idea of us getting together. I decide to call when I get done with work at three in the afternoon.

"Hi Ryan, thank you for the beautiful roses. That was a nice surprise."

"I'm glad you liked them. How have you been?"

"I've been ok, so much is going on right now though."

"Yes, I can imagine. How are things with your fiancé?" I wonder what I should tell you.

"Well, we are not really together right now, we are taking some time to figure things out with us." I admit to you.

"I see." Pause. "So does that mean you are free to go to dinner with me tonight?"

"Umm, well, I guess I could do that."

"That's great, when would you like to go out?" I feel my stomach start to knot up a bit. I'm not sure if it's nerves or guilt. I agree to meet you at seven o clock.

I spend extra time doing my hair and make up, I am so nervous. I leave at quarter to seven and arrive at Pedro's just on time. I see Ryan waiting for me. He steps out of the car when he sees me pull into the parking space near him.

"Hey you. I'm glad you came tonight. You look incredible." You say smiling at me.

"Thanks, you look good yourself." He escorts me inside and we are seated shortly. The atmosphere of the restaurant is lively yet romantic. I order a margarita and you order a micro brew beer. We sit glancing over the menu's, both of us a little bit nervous.

You put down yours and smile saying you are ready. Of course, I am not, I always take time figuring out what I want, and not just where food is involved. I finally pick something just as the waiter comes to take our orders. After he leaves, you take my hand across the table and look into my eyes sweetly.

"This is really nice Ryan. Thank you for asking me to dinner."

"You're welcome." Your thumb runs along my hand. I can't believe this, three weeks ago I was engaged to Brad. Then two weeks ago I ran into you, and slept with you! Now we are here on this date. Life sure plays funny tricks on you. Our dinners come, and we enjoy our meals making friendly conversation. We order desert and flavored coffee with it.

"So would you like to see a movie or something tonight?" You ask me, not wanting our date to end.

"We could do that. Or, perhaps we could just go rent a movie." Your eyebrows rise at my suggestion. You know if I come over, things are going to happen.

"Sure, we could do that if you like." We sit for a while longer, finishing our coffee. We pay for our meals and then leave the restaurant. I follow you to the movie store, and we peruse the selections. Finally we agree on a suspense drama that we both were interested in seeing. I follow you again to your place.

We sit in the living room to start the movie. I feel so comfortable sitting next to you now, your strong arm around me and my head on your shoulder. We actually do watch the entire movie, as it keeps us guessing the whole time. I jump a couple times and you do the manly protector thing. Your hand lightly rubs my thigh and I feel a tingle where your hand goes.

After the movie ends, you lean in to kiss me. Just a soft sweet kiss though, not wanting to rush anything yet. Even though, my heart starts beating faster, and I play with your hair as we kiss slowly. It feels so good to be kissing you again.

Your hand goes from my thigh to my waist, caressing my side, then back to my thigh. Your fingers trace the bottom of my skirt that rests above my knees, and then caress my thigh underneath the skirt.

Our kissing becomes more urgent, and I move to get closer to your body. My hands run over your chest as I turn to sit on your lap facing you. You push my skirt up over my hips to find my silky panties. Your hands caress my butt and thighs, as I arch myself closer to you.

I break our kiss and take in a deep breath, then lick my lips. You smile at me; I look into your eyes. "I want you Ryan." I confess to you. We kiss again, and you pull me against you so I can feel how hard you are becoming for me.

"I want you too Amy, you make me crazy." I smile back.

We kiss for a while, and then you help me up and pull down my skirt a bit, leading me to your bedroom. We barely get inside the room when you back me towards the bed, kissing as we go. I start to unbutton your shirt and you pull it from your pants.

I undo your belt and slide off your pants. You unbutton my blouse and I let it fall to the floor, also stepping out of my skirt, leaving my bra and panties. You push me onto the bed and crawl on top of me; we continue to kiss almost franticly now. I put my arms around you and run my leg between yours. I revel in the feeling of your body pressing into mine. You groan as I rub against your crotch. Your skin feels so good against mine.

I run my hands up and down your back, digging my nails in when you kiss at my neck. Your kisses trail down my neck, and then unhook my bra to access my breasts. You lick and kiss each breast for a while, as your hand slides between us to rub the top of my thigh.

You kiss me again, and I moan into your mouth as you move your hand farther in to stroke over the silky panties. My legs quiver with pleasure as you continue to torment me, still not removing my panties. Your hand slides inside them, and gently runs in circles over me. You finally pull your lips from mine once more and kiss my stomach, circling my navel with your tongue.

Finally, I cannot take it any longer, and you move your mouth down to pleasure me. I moan repeatedly and grab at your hair, scratching along your neck and shoulders, which only encourages you to continue.

Within minutes I start explode, but you still don't stop licking and sucking, driving me utterly insane. I have lost all touch with reality as waves of pleasure go through my body. When you finally stop, I just lie there breathing heavily. You lie next to me and look into my eyes smiling.