Ingrams & Assoc 4: Beneath the Surface Ch. 01

I laughed bitterly and said, "What do you think? If you can pose the question, you know the answer."

"Right," she responded. "So, imagine what it's like for me. I look like this," she gestured to herself, "yeah, I know I'm a hottie. I work damn hard at that, too. It's not free. But in return, while I get some advantages in life - people open doors and guys are nice to me because they think they might get some - but nobody takes me seriously. I am half-way to a PhD, and I'm a field agent for a major agency, but the only reason I'm effective is because EVERYONE, and I mean EVERYONE, doesn't take me seriously, or think I am anything more than a hot bod and a pretty face. All I get are guys who either want a one night stand so they can boast to their friends, or guys who want to 'take care of me'. So, Thomas, no, you aren't alone in your frustration in the world. And you just did it to me, too. So what does that say about you...?"

I had my eyes open as she recited all this, without a lot of expression. She wasn't pissed, she was just pointing out her point of view. And... she wasn't wrong. I had done exactly as she said. I had to say something.

"I'm... wow, I'm sorry, Megan. I didn't...yeah, you are right. I just did exactly that. I can only apologize. You deserve more than that."

She just nodded and said, "Good. Got that out the way. Now. You killed people Thomas. Doesn't that bother you?"

I was taken aback a bit. I hadn't really considered it very much. It was only a few days ago, and they'd been pretty busy days, what with police investigators, internal reviews by the sewer authorities and then being quasi-kidnapped "for my own benefit."

"I...guess? I really don't know. They were bad people right? You said so. They were shooting at me. I am here now because they are too dangerous for me to stay where I was. I did to them what they would have done to me. You and April told me that I would be collateral damage if we got caught. So, no, I don't think I was wrong"

"Oh, Thomas, I don't think you were wrong. You are right, they would have killed us, and you first. My point was only that these were living human beings. And now they aren't. They mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers, and now they don't. And you did that."

"Are you actively trying to make me feel bad, Megan? What the fuck?"

Megan sat back and the chair, and studied me.

"No, I'm not. Really, I'm not. But the fact is Thomas, for all the blasé you are displaying now, all of this is going to occur to you to. It is going to hit you. You are a decent guy. I know that. You helped us when you didn't have to. You saved the third guy when most people wouldn't. So it will hit you. And when it does, well, you will need coping tools. The reality is that three people are now dead because of actions you took."

"Two?"

"Three. I heard from Dermot. The other guy died this morning."

"Damn."

"Yes. The thing is Thomas, you are entirely correct in everything you've said. But until you've dealt with the feelings that are coming - well, unless I miss my mark and you are a complete psychopath - then you are going to have some issues. So... you need help. And thankfully, I'm good at that."

I laughed without humor. Was she serious?

"Aren't we supposed to have a long couch thingy for me to lie on?" I asked, trying to lighten the mood.

"If it makes you feel better, sure!" replied Megan, equally jovially. "Might have a bit of trouble finding one long enough though. And I don't know how we'd take it with us?"

"Oh right. Yeah, moving on."

"So, have you considered at all the impact of your actions, Thomas?"

I thought carefully. I had, but mainly in an effort to avoid from thinking about it too deeply. I had reacted in the heat of the situation. I hadn't fired the gun, only maneuvered them into a situation where if they did, then it would all come down on them. And I wasn't sure they'd die. I knew it was possible. But my objective was to stop them, not necessarily kill them. On the other hand, yeah, I did recognize they were humans too. And now they weren't. I had rationalized it so far as a video game. They were the bad guys, I was the good guy, and I had been very afraid for my life. For ALL our lives. I did what I had to, and they were gone now.

The hardest part of the whole thing was seeing the bodies. I had to admit I still saw them, when I closed my eyes.

This was heavy stuff. I was very aware that if I looked into the abyss too much, it would look back at me, in a significant way. So I was doing my best not to do that at all.

But she was right. I woul have to deal with this at some point. It was strange - I'd been dumped on my whole life; one foster home to another, being made to feel like I was from outer space when I was at college. I'd just run away the whole time, because there just wasn't anywhere else to go. Or nowhere I could imagine.

Now someone was here, offering to help me. Almost insisting. And I was resisting. Why was that? Lack of trust? Or what? Was I like Jean Valjean in Les Miserables? Had I "come to hate this world? This world that always hated me"

She could see it all in my eyes and I could see it in hers. She relaxed, and nodded, approvingly.

"Good. I can see you have. Look, I won't tell you that what you did was bad. I wouldn't be here if you hadn't done it. It WAS a kill or be killed situation. But you have to accept that conclusion on your own, not just by me telling you. And I think intellectually, you already understood it. But not emotionally, and the two are different. And you need to, or this will come out in strange ways. And you won't know why. Given your lack of interaction with the rest of the society, I'm even more concerned about how it might emerge. The point is I'm here to help. Look at this vacation as an extended therapy session, if you like. There are other issues you are dealing with that I'd like to help with too. Your self-image, your connection to the world - they are issues screaming for attention and by pure luck, here I am!" she exclaimed, brightly.

I sat there, considering this.

"Greeeaat. I thought it was going to be a relaxing time, on the run from mobsters who want to kill us. Instead, I'm going to have a hottie with a PhD running through my head every day. Terrriiifffiiiccc." I said, attempting to inject some jollity into the proceedings for a second time. It was that or really face this.

She looked at me with a little frown on her face. It was cute.

"Thomas, would that be so bad? I'm just trying to help. I owe you at least that. And the agency owes you a lot too. Like I said, they are going to cover the cost of any facial reconstruction for you - and you are taking that, like it or not. I'll chloroform you if I have to and bundle you in the OR, and don't think I can't. For once, you are in a place where you are NOT being judged because of your face or height. Believe me, I've had to deal with far worse than you." The last statement she delivered with a smirk, and I made a mental note to explore that again sometime.

In the end, I just nodded, and then after a moment, got up and got some more coffee.