Insurmountable Disability

Am I on the spectrum? There has been no diagnosis. Some of my friends joke about it but they all pretty much agree that I'm different from most people in many ways.

Do I have ADD? That's a lot clearer. A friend was pretty sure so I started a 35 question quiz I found in a book. After 24 yeses to the first 26 questions it seemed pointless to continue. My psychiatrist no longer asks much more than, "Is there anything new?" I've pretty much learned to deal with it. Of course I've just revealed my fondness for irony. If you have ADD you can adapt but you can't pretty much learn to deal with it.

My psychiatrist didn't tell me she thought I was different but she said, "Really?" to an awful lot of my responses to her questions. One typically needs a psychiatrist for the medications prescribed to deal with ADD. Since you're already paying that much for the prescriptions they tend to toss in a little therapy.

I hear you asking for an example of why I think I'm different. I would certainly be asking for one if you told me you were different. I don't believe in worry. There are only two possibilities if you are concerned with a situation you deem worthy of worry. First case, you can do something about it. Do it. Then there is nothing left to worry about. Second case you can't do anything about it. Find something you can do something about and do it. Then there is one less potential item capable of causing you to worry.

My friends agree with my analysis. But they say they are not capable of acting that way, that people aren't built like that. I always wonder if their response is due to the fact that "they" said people don't act that way, whoever the hell "they" is or was. I think "they" have way too much to say about things they don't understand so I don't pay any attention.

In the category of leading a horse to water, my wife doesn't agree. You can tell the children to clean up their rooms and keep them clean and they will learn to do it. I think her analysis is off by two words. They will do it but telling them to do it won't make them "learn to" do it. Of course I tell the kids to keep their rooms clean too. But I tell them never to look in my office.

I don't think you can convince anyone to learn to do something by telling them they must or should. Did you ever suggest to someone they should lose weight? Of course those are the magic words. Nobody has ever made such a suggestion to them before. That was all that was holding them back.

You can make the suggestion in a way that shows your interest and concern, like, "Grandma, research has shown that excess weight in older women leads to an increased likelihood of heart problems and cancers." But she is the one who is going to make the decision. No matter how often you tell her, she is the one who has to do something about it.

Of course the most endearing approach is the use of should. If I may translate, "Grandma, you should lose weight because I understand things much better than you do you bonehead. You should be falling to your knees in gratitude because I deign to give you the benefit of my knowledge and wisdom."

Another area in which I think I differ from most people is the concept of winning and losing. People often speak of the person who did not win as the loser and sometimes as a loser. When I watch the Olympic finals of the men's 100 meter race and see one man hit the tape one hundredth of a second before another I don't see it as a winner and a loser. Yes, only one of them will get the gold medal. But had the race been held 5 minutes later the "loser" might have prevailed. He might even have doubled the margin of victory. Could we then confidently call the other man the loser? The man who wins the race is typically called the fastest man on earth. I would like to see them race a dozen times and possibly under different conditions before someone gets to be thought of that way. The way we do it, he was the fastest man participating in the competition on that one day and time.

I also don't get our system of rating people by looks. Not only are looks fleeting, we also don't agree on people's scores. When I look at women I notice nines and tens. I rarely see a one and almost everyone else is kind of fiveish to me. If they are intelligent and kind I enjoy being with them. Why would I need to assign them a number?

We also attribute qualities to people with better looks that bear no relationship to reality. We see them as smarter, more likely to be successful, more motivated and hard-working.

Where do I rate on the scale? How the hell would I know? I'm not a woman. I know I get things wrong because Helen tells me so. When I told her I figured I was somewhere around average she asked me, "Do you have any idea how many women here are interested in you?"

"You?" I answered.

She laughed. I don't know whether it was because she thought I was clueless or the number was zero.

I'm not certain why her parents named her Helen but I've long thought it was because they believed she had a face that would launch a thousand ships. It turned out they were right in that regard. Fortunately for Helen, she was more than just a pretty, no, breathtaking face. She has an intelligence and understanding that allowed her to move rapidly to the pinnacle of her profession. Her company presented the public face of many of the wealthiest companies and individuals. Among the advantages her company enjoyed was the connections she had as a result of her family wealth. The singular advantage her company enjoyed was that Helen was their spokesperson. They didn't need a model; just look at her and listen to her. She is the embodiment of credibility.

Are people who they represent themselves to be? In my experience: absolutely not. Don't be so outrageously naïve. Almost everyone has a vision of the package they want to sell to others. Even those with minimal skill sets have a vision of how they should represent themselves in order to get what they want. I tend to give people the benefit of doubt but I don't give them access to my checking account so while I'm regularly disappointed it isn't that serious.

This is another area where, arguably, I come up short. If that is really the case I don't give a crap. I want to be seen as who I really am. I value honesty and sincerity. Though Helen thinks she is the person I have to answer to I think that person is me. Honesty and sincerity are easy for me to do because I'm such a wonderful person. Oh wait, I meant I really don't have much of a filter.

I met Helen when we were in college. I was tutoring her friend Sharon at the campus Grill. I preferred tutoring there because I had read that memory is enhanced when associated with smells.

"Hi, Sharon. Is this the guy who is helping you stay in school?"

"Helen. This is Greg and that's my beautiful friend Helen."

"Helen, you certainly do have wonderful skin," I said.

She gave us her what-the-hell-is-he-talking-about face.

"Oh, he's always kidding around," said Sharon.

"Beauty is only skin deep," I said, "but it certainly is doing wonders for your skin."

"Sharon did say you were a little eccentric."

"Thank you. That's a very kind translation of strange or weird. I'm not sure which word Sharon used."

Sharon slapped my arm with a reproachful look. "Why don't you join us? We were just finishing up."

Helen looked quizzically at me and I said, "Your skin is always welcome at our table."

That's when Helen started to win me over. She just became part of the conversation. She didn't try to sell a persona or an image. She just seemed genuine. That's my favorite approach. Just let me figure out who and what I'm meeting.

I ran into her several times on campus and she was always warm and friendly. She had a delightful wit and a broad range of knowledge. I was really starting to like her so she asked me out. I guess I wasn't quick enough on the draw for her. I was dithering about asking her out because I had seen how often she was hit on. It didn't say anything negative about her but it can be taxing on a relationship.

I started asking her out and she continued asking me out. Being with her was the highlight of my life.

Around six months into the relationship we were having lunch at my place on a Saturday afternoon.

"You know, Dave,"

I gave her a look. "I'm Greg."

"I know, but I figured you assumed I was dating around so I thought I'd try another name to ease into the topic. So, as I was saying, Bruce,"

I started to laugh. "You can be as strange as I am sometimes. I love it! It can be very effective."

"I'm glad you approve, Jeff. So, I was wondering if you are being exclusive with me."

"Well, we have no agreement to that effect, but I have been."

"Why is that?"

"I haven't met anyone else I'm interested in dating. You're pretty special and I'm very happy with you. What are the odds I'll ever meet a woman as exquisitely..." I said in a tone that bespoke of being besotted, "sarcastic?"

If she had been eating or drinking at the time my face would have been covered with it.

"You certainly have a way with words to win over a woman's heart. I've been exclusive with you for essentially the same reasons, including the sarcasm. I was wondering if you were interested in establishing an agreement on this."

"Does it cost anything?"

"God, you're such a smartass."

"And you love it."

"'deed I do."

She invited me to come home with her the following weekend to meet her folks. It went well. I was confident I read them correctly because I had the same filter at their house I had everywhere else.

My parents took to her when she visited for a week over the summer though they used the word "beautiful" a lot more than I would have liked.

We returned from the summer to our senior year and that led to some discussions.

"I'm planning on going to Wharton at the University of Pennsylvania for my MBA," she said.

"I'll apply to Temple, Villanova and the University of Pennsylvania. I was going to apply to Harvard as my safe school but it's too much of a commute."

"You're still such a smartass."

"I hope you're not planning on changing that because you will be sorely disappointed. By the way, I was just assuming you wanted me to come with you. But if that is not the case, I can always go to Harvard."

"Don't you ever stop?"

"I'm sorry, could you clarify that? I wasn't sure if you were saying no, no, don't you ever stop! Or asking, don't you ever stop?"

"If I was asking, I guess I have my answer."

About a week later we had another conversation.

"Have you ever wondered why I picked you? I mean, every other guy I ever went out with wondered that. Some of them were absolutely gorgeous so they figured that was probably the reason."

"Yeah, me too," I said.

She suddenly got a stunned look. It quickly morphed. "Sarcasm."

"Yeah, me too."

She laughed. "You know you're not like anyone else."

I nodded.

"I don't get it. How do you know what makes you so valuable?"

"I'm with me most of the time. I figure if there's something that's a problem you'll tell me just like I'd tell you."

"You are very wise man."

"I certainly hope so."

Conversations almost seemed to define our relationship.

"Does it bother you that I seem to initiate most of the milestones in our relationship? I started us dating. I made us exclusive. I've got us moving to Philadelphia. I mean, I'm the woman."

"That's a good thing."

"No, I mean doesn't it bother you that the woman is taking control of all these things?"

"Why should it? You are a different gender; not a different species. Women can do anything a man can do except generate sperm."

"Society seems to feel there are a lot of things woman should not do."

"I wasn't paying attention during that lesson. Nor will I ever pay attention during that lesson. I'm proud of you."

A few days later we escalated.

"We're going to be moving to Philadelphia together. Have you given any thought to whether you want to be married when you do that?"

"Yes."

"Yes and,.."

"I'm sorry; you only asked whether I had given it any thought."

"Smartass."

"Yes, I am."

"And?"

You can go too far with sarcasm, irony and smartass though I'm not really sure where too far is. I certainly do not have an unblemished record. "I'm in favor." And we were engaged although given that she sort of asked I wasn't sure who was supposed to get the engagement ring.

From what her parents said I inferred that I had asked her. We were getting married. Who cares who did what? If you are going to be concerned about whether you've gone through the societally correct steps for every happiness in your life you aren't going to have much happiness in your life.

We were married after graduation in what I can't call a ceremony because it was much closer to a frenzy. Forget children, we were going to need a massive house just to shelter the wedding gifts.

We did wind up with two kids, a boy and a girl separated by two years, Paul and Emma.

Helen used her maiden name for her degree feeling that the family name would wind up being an asset in business. She was correct. She was so successful she went on to form her own business, a partnership with people she knew or had worked with and had unparalleled success. She made so much money that if my profession was a losing gambler I could have lost consistently without impacting our financial situation.

I was asked in an interview how I felt about my wife making so much money. I'm pretty sure you know what I told the interviewer: "I don't give a crap."

I wasn't thrilled about the amount of time her business took. She had out-of-town meetings, presentations for clients', events to attend as the spokes model and time to make commercials. I missed her and so did our kids.

Fortunately I had my own practice as well and got to work from home often enough to handle most of the kids' needs. At sixteen Paul told me he had seen this lady peeking in our window on more than one occasion. I told him I hoped he now understood he had to be careful not to engage in inappropriate behaviors at home. He told me of course he never did. I didn't believe him.

I had quite a reputation for success but some of the strangeness kept clients away. My representation agreement had a clause that allowed me to drop the case as soon as a replacement could be found if my client lied to me in any substantial manner. I did not want to help clients cheat other people out of money. I did not want to be used to create results I disagreed with or believed were harmful.

I know it's hard to believe of a lawyer but I wanted to do the right thing. I don't care much for our legal system because it's stacked in favor of wealthy. Helen characterized my approach to selecting clients as "that bit of foolishness." Had she always been like this and I just didn't notice? Had I always been like this? I would think, "She's still the woman I love." But is she? I didn't see her often enough to know if anything had changed.

Then one day a neighbor scurried over to me as I was returning from the train. "Greg, are you a nudist too?" I suspect that Gladys Kravitz was the woman Paul had seen peeking in the window. I am different in many ways as I have explained. Gladys Kravitz was a strange and creepy busybody.

"What are you talking about Mrs. Kravitz?"

"Your wife and that blonde guy. Whenever I see them go into your house they take their clothes off and go into some other room for I don't know what."

"Maybe they went into another room because someone is looking in the window."

"Well, I don't know. I just know they're nudists."

"Well, Mrs. Kravitz, I like to take my clothes off sometimes too. Don't you?"

"Well, I never," she said.

"I think you have." I walked away.

I didn't know if this represented a change or if it had always been aspect of her personality, but I knew that Helen would have a justification for her behavior. I did not need to hire hordes of secret investigators. I didn't think she would deny it especially with such a reliable witness as Gladys Kravitz.

Helen wasn't home for two days. She was away on business.

"Helen, I would like to initiate a conversation you once started. Are we exclusive?"

She had a somewhat surprised look on her face. "What makes you ask that?"

"I'll take that as a no. Who is the blonde guy?"

"How did you find out?"

"Mrs. Kravitz."

"That damn busybody."

"Yes, but that does not make it any less true."

"We are still kind of exclusive."

"That's like saying I'm somewhat dead."

"You have that ADD and sometimes it can be so difficult to deal with. And add to that your, peculiarities, it's like you have Asperger's. Sometimes it's just impossible to deal with."

"And that allows you to cheat?"

"It's not really cheating. I just need a connection to be a process and deal with things."

"So, if I understand you correctly, you are saying our marriage has broken down, though you might characterize it as undergoing difficulties, as a result of insurmountable disabilities."

"Well, I have to agree. It's always been there but difficult to recognize. You were born to a wealthy family and entitled to the benefits thereof. Even more, you were born unspeakably gorgeous, skin deep. Men fawned over you, fought for you, did whatever you wanted and gave you whatever you wanted when you wanted it. When you met the one guy who didn't fit the pattern and give you your due you decided to lure him in with a personality that was not you."

"That isn't true," Helen shouted.

"And how do I know it is true?" I asked. "You haven't said you're sorry. You have not shown remorse. You haven't even suggested there is anything to be remorseful about. You haven't shown a shred of regret. In fact you've explained to me how it's my fault. My insurmountable disabilities forced you to fall back on your entitlement."

She obviously wanted to speak but couldn't seem to find the words.

"You are correct, Helen, this marriage will terminate in a divorce caused by an insurmountable disability -- your sense of entitlement. You've lived over forty-four years and it has not weakened at all. It may well be incurable. Cheating is something that can sometimes be overcome. Entitlement is not."

"You're going to miss this lifestyle I provide for you," she said.

"If you're talking about the wealth, you must already know I don't give a crap. If you're talking about the neglect and the dismissive treatment I can't really imagine I'm going to miss that."

"We'll see how you feel living alone."

"I already know. I've been living alone for quite some time, Helen."

I walked out, packed and left the house. I would contact the kids soon.

Did I go out and get drunk? I don't drink. Even if I did, that's just plain stupid. This is just like worry. If you have something to be upset about, if you can do something, do it. I would file for divorce tomorrow.

I got a hotel room and called Cindy. She was available so we made a date for that night for dinner after which we would either dance, catch a movie or just talk. I formed a deep emotional attachment to Cindy the first time she called. She called for someone who wasn't there at the time. We talked and I was inexorably drawn to her personality. I'd met her and talked with her many times and was enthralled with the delight of a human being she was. She had a boyfriend at the time so I had to look elsewhere but I always counted her as a good friend.

If things worked out with Cindy, she would not be a consolation prize, she would be an upgrade. If they did not, I would start looking. If you can do something, do it.