Is Love All or Nothing? Ch. 15

"How long have you been sitting there?" Keith asked breaking the silence.

"Over an hour," Jackie said, still trying to process what she just witnessed during that time span.

Silence again came over them as neither of them can think of what to say next. Keith started to worry that this will change everything and maybe Jackie won't want to be with him. Maybe this is too much for her to deal with.

"How much does your anger control you when you get mad like that playing video games?" Jackie asked breaking the silence.

Keith took a deep breath and thought about what he wanted to say. "I can get very angry but I am in control enough to not break anything."

Jackie thought about what he said before she asked her next question. "Do I need to be worried around you when you get that angry?"

"What do you mean?" Keith asked, not sure what she asking.

"Would you ever take your frustration out on me?"

Keith is horrified that Jackie is actually asking that. "I don't care how mad I get about anything, I would never ever hit you or hurt you."

"How do I know you wouldn't?"

"Because I would never do that to you."

"Have you ever broken anything in rage while playing a video game?" Keith went silent, not wanting to answer her question. "Have you ever broken anything?"

"I have...broken a controller or two before but that was in high school."

"What about lately?"

"I haven't broken or damaged anything since I've been on my own," Keith defends.

"Would Andy tell me the same thing?" Jackie asked, doubting Keith.

"Yes he would. He would tell you I scream and shout but I don't smash anything."

"You seemed close to smashing something a few games. I saw you shake the controller a few times after a bad loss."

"But I didn't throw it!" Keith yelled, growing tired of all these questions.

"I could tell you were very close to throwing!" Jackie yelled back. "What happens if you did throw it and it hit me? What then?"

"I would never do that! I've already said as much many times now!"

"And what prevents the quick anger from your Asperger's from throwing a controller at me or hitting me in frustration?"

Keith couldn't believe she had just asked that. Not once since they started dating and he revealed that he had Asperger's, had she tried to say his actions because of his Asperger's. He had always thought that she looked past it and saw he was more than that, that Asperger's didn't define him.

"You think my Asperger's controls me?"

"Well it does cause you to get angry faster doesn't it? What stops you from getting out of control?"

Keith closed his eyes, took a deep breath to try to calm himself down, but his body stayed tense. His mind raced, incensed that Jackie thought so little of him. He took a few more deep breaths before speaking again.

"I think it is best if you stay at your place tonight."

Jackie didn't see that coming and started to realize she may have crossed a line. "Don't be like that."

"Why? You think I can't control myself and my Asperger's will end having me hurt you as soon as I get angry."

"Please, let's talk about this," Jackie pleaded, not wanting her day to end like this.

Keith got up from his couch and walked into his kitchen. He got a glass from the cupboard, filled it with water from the sink and drank more than half the glass. "I don't think there is anything to talk about," he says coldly with his back towards her.

Tears started coming down Jackie's face as everything hits her at once. Not only had she hurt the man she loves, he was telling her to get out without even looking at her.

"I'm sorry Keith. I shouldn't have said that."

"But you did and what you said came from somewhere for a reason."

"It's just..." Jackie tried to find the words she needed to say, "I haven't seen that angry since you told me you have Asperger's."

Keith closed his eyes and lowered his head, thinking about what Jackie had just said. He still remembered that night vividly and how terrified she was when he screamed at her. He remembered snapping at her, most of his self-control gone. All the pain from that night rushed over him, freezing him in place.

"Keith," Jackie called, but he doesn't hear her. He is lost in his own thoughts still about that night, the picture of Jackie's frightened face haunting him. "Keith, what's wrong?" Jackie asked him as she approached his side. Immediately she became concerned when she saw his face. "Keith, snap out of it," she says as she grabs his shoulder and shakes him.

The sudden shaking of his shoulder startled Keith as he turned to see what grabbed him. He looked at Jackie, her face covered in tears. Seeing that only made him feel worse and even guiltier.

"Keith, please tell me what is going on," Jackie begged again, concern in her voice.

He stared at her, not knowing what to say, what to do. Can he really open up to her about what is scaring him right now? Will she really accept this part of him? He looked away from her back towards the sink, not able to bear seeing how sad she is.

"You should go," he said giving up on the situation.

Jackie tried to reach out to him but he steps back to avoid her touch. Feeling hopeless, she walked towards the door.

Keith just stared at the sink, holding everything in until he heard the door open and then close a few seconds later. He stopped holding back and cried uncontrollably.

"Great job you fucking idiot," he screamed to himself, "you told the only woman to give you a fucking chance to get out." Anger swept over him as he closed his hands into fists and started pounding them on the countertop. "Why can't you just tell her you hate seeing her scared of you, you hate that you caused her to cry," He yelled still pounding the countertop, "and that you don't fucking deserve her anymore." His fists pounded the countertop one more time as hard as he can. Pain radiated throughout his hands as he sat down on the kitchen floor, sobbing. He sat there forlorn and wanting just to end the pain, end hurting those he loves and that love him.

Minutes go by and he doesn't move from the spot, still sobbing uncontrollably when he felt a pair of arms wrap around his shoulders and the side of someone's head lay on his upper back. He turned his head to see Jackie behind him.

"Why Jackie? Why are you still here?" he asked, wishing she had just left him to his misery.

"Because I can't stand to know you're hurting and I'm not there to help, especially when it is my fault."

He turned his head to try to look back at her. "Nothing is your fault. I'm the fucked up one."

She lets go of him and slapped the back of his shoulder. "You're not fucked up!" she exclaimed.

"Yes I am! Look at us!" Keith yelled. "We can't have a fight without me making you feel unsafe."

"God dammit Keith! I'm sorry for saying your Asperger's controls you. It doesn't."

"Except you are right Jackie, it does!"

"No I'm not! You haven't let your Asperger's control you since we first met. You've been the best thing that has happened to me and I'm not going to give up on us!"

Keith wanted to argue back that she was wrong, but just felt tired and drained. "Jackie, please," he begged but Jackie cuts him off.

"No Keith, you listen to me," she said as she moves around to see his face better. "You've protected me from an asshole who tried to date rape me, made me feel loved and wanted for who I am, and have made love to me where I feel that the only person you care about pleasing is me." She tilted her head to try to get a look at Keith's eyes but his gaze is focused at the floor. "Why can't you see that I'm still here because I love you for everything you are, even after what just happened, I still love you."

Keith can't seem to understand what Jackie his telling him. His mind just kept focusing on the fact he made her feel unsafe. What were to happen if he did lose and he hit her? Could he really live with himself knowing he did that?

"Keith, tell me what is going in your head," Jackie continued to plead.

"I'm scared," he replied.

"Scared of what? That we might not work out?"

"No."

"Scared that I don't want to be around you?"

"No. Just drop it," Keith insisted.

"I'm not going to. We are a couple and I'm not leaving until you tell me what is scaring you so much that you want me to leave."

Keith turned his head and looks at her feeling defeated and believing the truth is the only way for her to leave him alone.

"I'm scared that I will lose it and hit you. I'm scared of not only what that would do to us but scared that I can't live with myself if I do such a thing to you. I'm scared of becoming someone, something that I hate. I'm scared that I will lose you and prevent you from being with anyone else because of the pain I would cause you. I'm scared of my own thoughts Jackie. I'm scared."

Keith started sobbing again, looking back down at the floor, ashamed of everything he just admitted. He felt Jackie's hands lift his head and press her lips against his, both their tears running down each other's faces. She then kissed his forehead and looked at him in his eyes.

"You are not alone in your fight Keith. I love you and will fight for you every day."

"Jackie," Keith began to protest.

"Stop it Keith," Jackie commanded. "We will work on this together. OK?"

"OK," Keith responded, not wanting to argue anymore.

*******************************************************

Keith woke up the next morning feeling a little better. However, something seemed missing from his bed. He turned over to see Jackie was not in bed with him.

"She's probably back her place," he said to himself. He grabbed his phone off of his night stand, unlocked it and checked the time. He saw that is it a little after eight. "Too early to be up," he said again to himself as he rolled over to try to get some more sleep.

"Ouch," Jackie screamed from the kitchen.

That fully woke up Keith as he jumped out of his bed and rushed to see what happened. When he got to the kitchen he saw her shaking her hand.

"Are you ok?" he asked concerned.

"Yeah, I'm ok," she said, shaking her hand some more. "Some grease from the bacon shot out of the skillet and hit my hand."

Keith looked over at his stove and saw two skillets going, one with bacon and the other with breakfast sausage. "Why are you making bacon and sausage?"

"Because those are you two favorite breakfast foods," she answerd.

"Ok, but why?"

"What, I can't do something nice for you?"

"You can, it's just that...I'm not sure I deserve it."

"Keith, please don't do that," Jackie pleaded. "Last night was horrible for both of us and we both messed up."

"I don't know," Keith said solemnly.

"Keith look at me." He reluctantly turned and looked at her. "We can either let what happened last night ruin what we have or we can use it to make our relationship stronger. I don't know about you but I choose the latter."

A small smile formed on Keith's face. "Since when you did become such a fighter?"

"Since I found a guy who doesn't cheat on me or try to drug me on the first date."

"Wow, some group of guys I'm being compared to."

"You're well above them and my dad strongly approves of you."

"Really? What did I do to earn his approval?" Shocked to hear this news.

"You treat me well and have great friendships with our friends."

"What do our friends have anything to do with our relationship?" Keith asked still confused.

"He likes the fact that you have friends of high quality and that you cut out people who are of low quality."

"I guess that is one good quality I have."

"And you are just a generally happy person. Just about every time I see you, you are smiling and give me a hug or kiss."

"OK, I'm not such a bad-"

"Not to mention you are very hard working."

"Jackie, I get it."

"Are you sure?" she asked teasing him. "I mean I could list a few more things."

Keith grabbed her by her sides and started tickling her. "I said I get it missy."

"Are you sure?" Jackie said between laughs.

"Yes, I'm sure." Keith kissed her cheek and gently smacked her ass. "Now finish making us breakfast. I'm hungry."

Jackie got back to her skillets making sure not to burn the bacon while Keith got some plates and silverware and set them on the table. A few minutes later the bacon and sausage were done. Jackie got them off the skillet and onto a plate she had ready before she started cooking them.

"Is it ready yet?" Keith teasingly asked.

"No, I burned it all and have to go to the store and get more." Jackie mocked.

"Oh darn," Keith replied sarcastically.

Jackie placed the plates of food on the table and they dug in. Throughout eating they made faces at each other trying to get the other to laugh. Keith succeeded more times than Jackie did but she didn't care. She was just happy to see him not sad anymore about the previous night. After they clean off their plates they just smile and stared at each other until Keith's smile gets a little bigger.

"What's that smile for?" Jackie noticed.

"Realizing how lucky I really am to have you as my girlfriend. Even when I'm at my worst you stick by me."

"You bring out the best of me Keith. Every moment with you is worth it."

Keith leaned in and started kissing her. Jackie returned the kiss with kisses of her own as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Keith in turn wrapped his arms around her waist as they continued to kiss.

"I love you Jackie," Keith said breaking the kiss.

"I love you too Keith," Jackie responded. She turned her chair to face Keith and he did the same, still holding each other. She laid her head on his shoulder and Keith kissed the side of her head. They stayed that way until Keith moved his head to lightly kiss her forehead. Then he continued to kiss down to her eyebrow, then by her eye, down to her cheek before his lips touched hers and don't separate. Each second they kiss the passion in it grew more intense until he picked her up, arms still around her waist and hers around his shoulders as he carried her to his bed.

Keith gently dropped Jackie on the bed and she scooched back to give him enough room to lay on top of her without their legs dangling off the bed. He laid back on top of her and they started kissing slowly, but passionately.

After a few minutes Keith puts his hands on the sides of Jackie's tank top and slid it up her body. Jackie lifted her back to help him slide it off her. Once the tank top is off and thrown to the floor, Keith started sucking on Jackie's nipples. She loved the way he uses his mouth to suck, bite, and pull her nipples.

"God Keith, I love this," Jackie moaned.

Keith kissed up her breast, to her chest and stopped by her neck for a minute before working his way up to her lips and pressed his lips against hers. As they kissed, he took off his shorts and underwear. Jackie did the same, kicking them off as they reached her feet. They kept kissing, rubbing their hands all over each other before Jackie rolled Keith over onto his back and sat up.

"You've done so much for me. It is my turn to do something for you."

She raised her hips, wrapped her hands around his penis and guided herself slowly down over it, letting the penis slide into her vagina. The look on Keith's face told her everything she needed to know as she started riding him.

Keith put his hands on her breasts, squeezing them, pulling her nipples, loving every moment of being ridden. Jackie loved that as she bent down to kiss him before sitting back up. They continued this for a while before he decided he wanted to take control. The next time she bent down to kiss him he wrapped his arms around her and rolled her onto her back, his penis still in her. He started thrusting in and out of her, lips still locked.

Once they broke their kiss, Keith started hammering Jackie's pussy causing her to moan loudly.

"Fuck Keith," she said between moans. "You're going to make me come. You're going to make me come!"

"Then come for me," he demanded. "I want to feel your cum all over my cock."

A minute later Jackie screamed as her orgasm washed over her, her vagina cumming all over Keith's penis, her walls gripping it tight. This sent Keith over the edge as he unloaded his semen into her. Once the last of his cum ejected from his penis he laid on top of Jackie spent of energy.

"Fuck Jackie," Keith said trying to catch his breath. "That was amazing."

"Yes it fucking was," Jackie said happy that her man is pleased.

Once they regained some of their energy, they take a shower together and clean each other up. After they dried each other off, Jackie went looking for her phone. She found it on the counter and saw she had missed several calls, but no voicemail was left. She was about to check to see who's been calling her when it started ringing with her older brother's phone number appeared and quickly answered the call.

"Is everything ok Derrick?"

"About time you answered Jackie. No, it's Caleb."

"What's going on with Caleb?" She asked worried.

"He was in an accident and is in the hospital."

"What!? Which hospital is he at?"

Keith immediately got some clothes out for Jackie from his dresser once he heard the word 'hospital'.

"He's at St. Joes by where mom and dad live."

"Ok, I'll get there as soon as I can." She ended the call and saw Keith was already one step ahead of her. "Caleb is"

"I overheard," Keith interrupted. "I'll take you to the hospital so you can be with your family."

"Would you stay with me there?"

"Of course," Keith said getting dressed. "I'll stay with you as long as you need me there, even through the week if you need me."

"I don't want you miss to work."

"Work will understand and I have a lot of vacation time now that it is the new year."

"Thank you Keith," Jackie said appreciative. "I don't know what I'd do without you."