All Comments on 'It Started With Not Feeling Good'

For the read.

You know, all was well until the very last sentence. Fucking cunt had multiple affairs during their marriage and gave the clueless husband an std. Reconciliation at the end takes everything of worth away from this tale. What a disappointment.

By the stories own admission she was a nasty bitch and a cheating whore. He was an over-the-road trucker. So, why stay married? Why get back together? There was no marriage. Maybe there never really was a marriage. Move on, and everyone will be happier. The father seems kind of stupid by the way.

and what incentative would one expect a do over, TK U MLJ LV NV

This will be you cup of tea.

burn that bitch.....hummmmm, NO.......BTC.....be that cuckold......yes that sounds more like it.

This read like an instruction manual.

Story is not bad but is bare bones. It needs more development and emotion to get the feeling across. Right now it is a very dry short story that shows the consequences of selfish actions but with the possibility of some form of reconciliation. I'd recommend using an editor if you are not using one, but you need to spend more time developing character emotions and thoughts to truly make an impactful tale. Keep plugging.

I could accept a reconciliation if this were the only one, or even for two, brief and widely separated. But she has a long history of a serial added to a lifetime of abuse.

Sure, she could be contrite but that is self serving.

What would get to me was the fact that over those many years of marriage she didn't love me enough to treat me the way she was treated.

This reads like an outline for a story not an actual story.

Not very plausible either.

It does read like an instruction manual. Thanks, I was looking for a way to describe it

The lawyer, public health, process server, protection order in the motel are the only fantasy here that just never happens in real life. You don't get protection orders just because you want one.

Others have already said it. It reads like an outline of a story. It isn't really a story.

It's interesting that the Similar Stories sidebar here lists Family is Not Blood Ch. 01, a series you also authored. I skimmed that chapter and it is another "procedural" like this one, but done far better than this one. It has more dialog, more narration, more story.

It's almost like you inadvertently posted the outline for this story instead of the story itself. The "Family..." series indicates that you are capable of better work than this one.

I always find stories that use an 'off stage' narrator as the primary vehicle for telling the story lacking. There is a reason to tell the story in dialog. Using dialog the writer can use the words and the tone of what is said to communicate more nuance. A number of the people writing comments have alluded to the problem — it becomes bland and boring when there is little direct interaction between the characters.

Let your characters speak for themselves, and imagine that you are speaking from their point of view. You may be surprised at how your characters become a lot more like real, interesting people in a more three-dimensional story.

Next time, please use much more dialogue between the characters.

It read like a police report. Several have already mention the writing was dry and there was not enough dialogue. Where was the emotion? You're writing about a couple splitting up after many years of marriage. There're 3 grown kids involved. I would think there would be some emotions involved...hurt, anger, jealousy, remorse.

Also, you might want to do some research. I know many use the, "alienation of affections," gambit but it is ridiculous to do so. To actually sue someone for that you have to prove the wife had absolutely no other recourse other than sleep with him. Did she have a mind of her own...yes? Then you can't sue!

I'm not scoring this because I didn't finish it. Please take this and the other comments as constructive criticism and learn from your mistakes.

A close relative of mine is a doctor, so I know the following: Ann, the daughter/doctor, is 26, but that is the age at which one finishes medical school. Even skipping a lot of grades (try maybe five), she would only be starting her medical practice after completing 4-5 years of internship and residency training, and having a baby at that time, well, it would be difficult. It is quite unethical to treat a family member except in a life-and-death emergency (this scenario does not qualify). And finally, checking out an STD in a male requires a genital and probably a prostate exam. Right, on your own father?

This story line has great possibilities. More research to make it more believable and greater depth on the counciling can increase the interest. I hope you will continue to research and write.

Thanks for your effort.

The observations about this being a near outline of a story are correct. My other stories were extensive in length. This one was different for a purpose. The Subtitle reference Professional Children. This was the 'business' version. I understand that many people wanted to read higher levels of plot and character development.

Either way, thanks for your comments.

AT LEAST HE IS TRYING TO UNDERSTAND THINGS

Too stilted for me. Enjoyed many of the comments though.

laptopwriter, 'alienation of affection' is an old common law action against a [man] who causes a [wife] to leave [her husband]. The fact that she may have instigated it has no bearing on the matter. Most states have passed legislation against it. Bucking the trend is North Caroline, which recently had multi-million dollar judgments. However, even there, only a handful of cases are filed each year.

It originates from England during the period when women were considered chattel.

The abuse of this process is second only to those suing companies for failure to enforce their employment processes. My favorite one had a guy whose wife couldn't keep it together, got the bank where she worked!

Sorry about the story

I love stories of methodical, logical people who take care of business. The style was a bit step by step and that makes an emotional story about infidelity a bit siff. So while methodical people are fun they can be boring unless the storyteller adds the emotion to balance it out. Slill, this is a good story.

An outline of a potentially interesting story. To bring in the professional aspects in the manner which it was done is impossible. Basically no doctor treats his/her own family unless they are above the Artic circle. The ages are all wrong for the titles they hold. I admit that they could be so brilhiant that they become a university full professor at 21 but professional certification is another story.

stilted, dreary, and shallow.

almost like reading a transcript.

no human emotions were harmed in the writing of this story

It appears this is your first LW submission, and you'll find the critics very harsh (most rate a story based on their personal preference between Burn-the-Bitch, Cuck, and Reconciliation. But it looks like many of your commenters are focusing on style--take them to heart. They are right that thus story is stilted and clinical. Your facts read like a how-to manual, and you barely brush the surface of emotion. If you're going to do a reconciliation, you have to address how each party FEELS, and own up to the facts that came before.

Your treatment here seems to say "go to counseling, everything will be alright." And you end the story right where the real healing begins. If you are going to write in this genre, I hope you make an effort to go deeper.

...that I gave up. I'm sure most will find it the same.

Cold and clinical have already been used, but remote, detached, mechanical may as well be thrown in, too.

In what I read, (roughly the first half), there' was literally nothing that encouraged a person to want to continue reading.

Sorry, but you need major help with your writing endeavors.

Typical cuck. You deserve each other.

liked this unless there would be more chapters. Written in so-so style. Was John the speaker in the last paragraph? With his driving schedule, how was John able to make so many of the once-a-week counseling sessions?

Thanks for the offering.

Your story is fine and you are obviously talented, but it is difficult to emerge oneself in the tale because of the lack of flow in the writing. It reads almost as a neutral reporter telling the story, which is dealing with a very emotional subject and therefore should have the reader really "feeling" it. But I don't feel the emotions of the characters or their pain, and they're more archetypes to me than living people. I find myself not caring about what's happening to them.

You also have an uneven pace and seem to skip fast over things you're not so interested in writing and use more time on stuff you care about. This doesn't work well when you read it. There are several places in the text where you miss out on a potentially emotional situation because you switch to reporter-mode and move on after a quick neutral description.

Finally you vary your tenses (he did, he will do, he does) throughout the story. I don't know if this is on purpose in order to achieve some sort of effect, but it isn't working.

I'm not sure I liked this opening chapter. I've been researching divorce and infidelity for about a year and a half. I got interested after the Paula Broadwell-David Patraeus thing. I know what you're doing here, and I think it works. The problem is this is such an emotional subject for so many people, including the readers here that your chapter seems to almost denigrate the people who've suffered so much from the horrors in broken marriages. I have friends who are doctors and who deal with death and dying. You sound like them; you're distant, removed, insulated.

I gave you a five, but like I said I didn't like it.

And then there is the weird, fragmentary style. Lots of sentence fragments, and then this:

"Just recently, I was able to speak with two of my adult children in a year."

I mean, read that out loud. Makes no sense, because you left out what I assume was the key concept of FIRST TIME. First time in a year, see?

Plodding, boring, complete waste of time. An editor might have polished it up some, but I wouldn't have bothered.

By the numbers writing, and not very good at that.

I'd like to find the driver who makes nearly 100K/yr.

Google your 'facts' first.

"how much do long haul truck drivers make?"

1st hit, 40-55K/yr

2nd hit, top 10% make north of $58,000/yr

There was enough similar mistakes to make me stop reading.

What judge will issue a restraining order kicking out a spouse from her own home?

check your facts.

where do you live i drive a long haul truck and easily make a 100k as do most of the long haul drivers,

Rather than entertain us with the interaction, you simply report what happened, who did it, and why. But it reads like a book report or something. It also reads like an outline for a really good romance drama. I hope you ended up writing it, or that you someday do.

Where is the emotion? Where is the tension? Where is the drama? You really need to improve on your writing style and bring some emotion into the story. It reads like a recipe that has not yet been cooked.

... but a good story.

why should you think a therapist can cure. TK U MLJ LV NV

I think you have fallen into the Essay trap. Your writing is purely 3rd person descriptive in the manner in which we wrote "what I did on my summer vacation" back in grade school. Try allowing the characters to do the description and I would add a whole lot more dialog. Nothing fleshes out or builds a character in a readers mind that reading what the say and how they say it. Anyway just one guys opinion

The end, naming the baby after her after she has caused so much destruction, doesn't seem very plausible. Can I see them naming a future child after her, after some atonement and time? Yes, but not now.

Very poorly written . This reads like a very plain description of events from someone's note pad.

Very little character development.

Keep trying and working at it. You will improve.

Family allowed Carol to have a chance to seek help on her own. I think they have a chance because she changed on her own to repair herself. This showed family that she was serious. She didn't run she applied herself to the point of being promoted. I would like to have seen another chapter of how healing and baby went.

3 only because if you work at it some more, I think you can make it a real story. In theater speak make it a movie, not a documentary and you will get much higher scores.

gettiing an std from a whore thats supposed to be faithful equals death sentence.

what a shitty ending for the unwilling cuck.

Written with all the verve and passion of a textbook on advanced calculus.

You need to develop your story and characters more naturally through dialogue along with the prose.

An.interesting story that died in the.end. She was a much worse cheater than anyone realized. Reconciliation was not earned.

Why wouldn't he have her phone number?,he had an app on it Denver.

Let's see if I have this correct: She treats him like crap, he continuously sacrifices for her, she has many affairs, she gives him an STD - they are on the way to RAACville.

That's ludicrous and stretches things beyond the realm of credulity.

I do believe in redemption. Interesting exploration of the idea.

Not a mistake, not a one time slip. No, a continuous and long standing series of affairs.

Won’t waste anymore time on what happens with this useless bitch. See the way this is going and my time is to valuable to waste on this.

Really written well but a RAAC story after this level of dis respect is appalling.

4 stars on the writing.......1 star on the story

Interesting story, well thought out, developed, and presented. It leaves one with many thoughts.

Thanks for sharing.

A realistic, believable plot, which was well paced and enjoyable.

Most people would have expected the usual BTB scenario & this made a change.

I’m really not sure, that after everything his wife did to him, he would have even agreed to meet her.

We are all different and what’s right for one person may be abhorrent to another.

Personally, I wouldn’t touch her with a long stick.

I GAVE IT 5 STARS!

Like it better this time, but she needs a lot of work.

LOL, where did she burn cuck

persons in the brig can soldier themselves back to duty. TK U MLJ LV NV

Didn't do anything for me. 2*

Not great. She cheated repeatedly, gave hubby an STD, and he is still married to the slut???

CUCK!!!

Why is this marked btb? She didn’t burn. There were no consequences beyond that of a normal divorce, and she got him back. Ridiculous! If she’s truly changed, then she can try to get a new man to believe her. The husband she had would never trust her again. She damaged his health! I don’t know what the law is, but it should be sexual assault to pass on a STD.

ZK

There are 2 things in common with "loving wife" stories. One is that the wife cheats in the most over the top manner possible. The second is that the readers will never be happy with the ending. If they get back together, he is a pussy. If he burns the bitch, he's a heartless bastard. Strangely enough this story was as close to real life as I have read. Still, I hated it.

All things considered, the end of this part in no way felt right or real.

Few spouses, male or female will ever find kindness when an STD or, not in this case though, a pregnancy, is involved.

Interesting story. A bit far-fetched considering her behavior, but interesting none the less. The actions of the children suggesting putting things back together rather than burying a corpse while being straight forward in supporting their dad. I think that it would be much more plausible without the STD which doesn't add that much to the contrast of the mom's before and after.

LWlurker

After what she done, to turn this into reconciliation story was just ludicrous ⭐️⭐️

Still too much to reconcile after so much betrayal.

what a crock! not reading part 2.

I don't necessarily dislike the premise, the problem is, she spent their WHOLE marriage being terrible and cheating.

If you wanna run with this sort of reconciliation plot line, it would be better to not make the person so insanely dislikeable.

People can change and they should get help, but if you set a house on fire trying to cook dinner, taking cooking classes doesn't rebuild the house.

My issue, and it's purely MINE, is the storyline didn't appeal. It as well written and I finished it for that reason.

As a story I give stazs. I

GREAT Story! Full Marks - 5-Stars!!!

Well written. But betrayal is too massive. Dial it down. Might be credible with all the work she is trying to do to change her behavior. She had an epiphany. Ok. But forgiveness is different than reconciliation. She cheated repeatedly. No trust would be possible.

If Carol had an STD presumably Bill gave it to her, surely Bill’s wife would have had the same symptoms and gone for a checkup.

Plot holes are inevitable you can’t eliminate them all but that one should have been avoided.

Frankly the guy needs to ditch her and the kids, they’re all manipulating the poor sap and by the looks of things he’s too stupid to see it.

stunk. not reading any more of it.

Reasonable story completely ruined by the unrealistic ending.

NO BTB, NO REDEMTION, the tags are lies

also this reads like an after action report in most places

Nice story! 5 stars from here ;)

You tried to please both the BTB crowd and the RAAC crowd and pleased no one

?

Not sure

Very well done. Thank you.

No man with even the slightest self esteem would entertain the cheating who_re after she betrayed and humiliated him!

Opinion is reserved until I read the sequel. This one has good writing, though.

Devoid of any emotion whatsoever until that which was implied by members of her family initialing contact. A big burden is put on the counseling profession … It was called upon to fix the bitch just by Sweetie’s going to the sessions. No details about what was helping her except that her contacts were not passively tolerating her crap.

To me you’re writing style is uncomfortable to read, it’s a bit bullet point statements, I like the plot and how you have moved this along, but I'm really struggling to read it, but saying that I will read part two

This happened, that happened, ....

Sounds like an insurance report. Even police reports show more of what the participants felt...

Don't finish the story before u write it idgit

The writing was really good which is why i gave it 5* however, and i know you even stated within the story that they were doing everything without emotion but emotion is what drives a good story. It is needed to take a story from good to great. and this story could have been great but it ended up being just good,

I agree with Carol. How can he stand to touch her, she’s been a jerk all her life.

Too narrative driven, and sounding more like a report than a story. Three stars. I will check out part two, but frankly I am not expecting much.

JPB

Not good writing. Little dialogue, depth, & almost no emotion. No explanations either. WHY did the wife do what she did? Suddenly, 2 of her 3 children want to have coffee or tea with her? She goes to a marriage support group & hubby's there suddenly? I could go on. 2 stars. Bob, & not reading the 2nd part.

I've read a number of this author's stories and enjoyed them but this one missed the mark a little. The writing style was unusually staccato and the protagonists all came across as automatons simply carrying out tasks in sequence and working to a planned endgame. Three stars.

JR

Not sure about this story. It reads more like a documentary than a gripping story. Where’s the emotion?

It always strikes me as so weird that, for some reason, the savings of the divorcees end up going into paying student loans/tuition, among other things, but I digress. I realize we're in fantasy cuckoo land here, but could we move on from these tired dumb cliches.

The doctor-daughter could almost certainly be charged with insurance fraud and/or medical malpractice and go before a review committee, though for whatever good that would do, considering how backed up they've been. And for no good reason at that. Just some stupidly convoluted plot to confirm her mother's infidelity.

Just a very disappointing story.

Nope.

Bullshit

Abusive ongoing multi cheating whore who gives him an STI and she gets a pass?

No