It's Who You Know Ch. 05

He was the most useful man I'd ever known. I think he was well worth the money.

I was pelted with calls from my uncle, wanting to know exactly what had happened, with strangely mixed reactions. In some ways he was angry at me, as if it was my fault, in some ways he was simply relieved that I wasn't harmed any worse. I also had a bone-chilling call from an unnerved Marcus, asking me if I thought we were in danger.

I didn't know. A part of me was terrified of what Jackson might eventually find, and I carried it around with me like a stone in my stomach. Weighing everything down. Making me sick.

I felt so guilty of how my mood affected everything. I kept snapping at people where I normally wouldn't. I was struggling with my own duties and repeatedly found myself sitting in my office, doing nothing for hours on end.

And Tyler. Oh God, Tyler.

He was so worried about me. He just wanted to see me smile, and laugh, and return to somewhat of the normal state I had been before. Sometimes I just couldn't manage it. I wanted him there, I needed him, but at times I just needed the silence. He wasn't good at silence. It unsettled him so much. The look in his eyes could hurt me. He wanted to do something, but there was nothing he could do.

For a few nights, he managed to take me away from it. His hands on my body, his breath in my ear, a closed world in my bedroom where nothing had to matter but me and him. I wanted life to be that simple; the taste of him, the feel of him. It could leave me feeling so satisfied, yet afterwards I continued to lay there awake, listening to his rhythmic breathing, wondering how I could feel too tired to sleep.

As the days went on with no word from Jackson, I couldn't even have sex. I had no energy for anything other than auto-pilot. What the fuck was wrong with me? All these feelings simmering below the surface, but never coming out.

Where was this breakdown coming from? I didn't know I was so brittle.

I had a nightmare. God, I had degraded this far. Back to the crashing nightmares. Seeing that tree, imagination creating the feeling of impact, seeing my own terrified face through Jamie's eyes. I woke with a start and stumbled around my room, desperately trying to find the light, the sweat all over my body feeling like blood. Tyler's hands gripped me, stopped me, then I broke down into a panic attack. I had barely got my breathing under control when I started to cry. I sobbed pitifully into his shoulder, a crumpled heap on the floor.

He said nothing. I felt like I was falling into a black hole, one I had spent years climbing out of. I was supposed to move forwards in life, I was going backwards. We were still in these delicate, early stages of the relationship and he was already seeing the worst of me. I was going to push him away. He was going to wonder what the fuck he had got himself into. People just don't want to be involved with emotional wrecks.

I thought I had stopped, but there were still crying noises. It was him. He squeezed me and trembled.

"Why can't I help you?" he said, voice tight and strained.

It hurt so much. "I'm scared." I wasn't just admitting it to him, but to myself.

"I'm here." He sniffed. "You're not alone, you saw what Zack would do to protect you. I'd do the same."

"I don't want anyone getting hurt because of me." I couldn't stand the thought of something happening to Tyler.

"People love you. I love you. We're here, okay? We're here."

Amelia, Zack, Tyler. They were my family more than my own family had ever been. How could that realisation hurt so much?

Tyler stayed holding me on the floor until my whole body was stiff. He sniffed a few times, I wiped my eyes.

"You're gonna start feeling better once you actually get some sleep," he said.

"I'm trying."

"Try harder. Go for runs, punch things, stop bottling it."

"I don't know how."

"They raised you not to feel, didn't they? Every little thing since you were a kid. Stiff upper lip, huh." His breath was on my lips as he leant closer. "You have to stop it. You have to learn how to let go."

My heart was starting to race, after feeling dead for so many days. He kissed me, softly, then a little rougher and pushed me down on the floor.

"You can't control everything, stop thinking you can." His body was like a burning heat against mine. "Trust Jackson to do his job. Stop worrying about it." I could barely keep my mouth off his to let him speak. He pinned my arms down and I didn't have the strength to fight it. He kissed across my cheek to my ear. He ground against me.

"Don't leave me," I gasped.

"I'm not going anywhere."

It was a chaotic mess of grinding and kissing, his tongue stroking mine, his weight holding me down. There was no penetration, there was more stimulation on a mental level. He was forcing me to submit. This part of me kept fighting it and he wouldn't give up. There was a side to him that I hadn't seen.

With a shuddering gasp I felt my body give in, wanting more, and the orgasm struck almost simultaneously. He came moments later, moaning in shock, as though he hadn't expected the reaction from me. We laid there, panting, fluids smeared between our stomachs and chests, then he started to lift my exhausted frame to the bed. I barely managed to mumble that I loved him before I was asleep.

*

Zack came into work after a week, and having him there was like having my sanity back. He wasn't perfect, and he was getting by on painkillers, but he never let anything get him down. He was a fighter inside and out.

People had literally seen that. He almost had a hero's welcome. He had proved himself nothing short of a badass and he was the talk all over the company. He received a lot of inane questions; if he was a boxer, if he was a black-belt; how had he learnt to fight like that? He scowled through all of it and people quickly stopped.

I tried to tell him how grateful I was for how he had defended me, but he was almost entirely dismissive.

"I'm sorry it even happened at all," he said. "It's my fault it did. You think I was gonna let you take the hits when I was the one who wound them up?"

"How's the rib?"

"Hurts. I can't do anything strenuous. I'm not even allowed to have sex, doctor's orders." He grinned. "Hardest part has been trying to explain to David why he can't jump on me on the sofa."

I smiled down at the desk. I could see what Tyler meant, how this man seemed to walk away from everything stronger than ever. I didn't understand how he did it either.

"He's told me about five times that you and Tyler are getting married," he continued.

"Sorry. He saw us kiss."

"I don't care. He's gonna grow up knowing there's people like you in this world and he's not gonna be a twat about it."

That meant a lot to me, especially after spending a lifetime around someone like my uncle.

"Any word from Jackson?" he asked.

"Not yet."

"If those men were trouble I hope they'll give me a couple weeks to get better for round two."

"God, Zack, don't."

He chuckled, but winced and sucked in a sharp breath. "I'll just be doing some office work, catch up on all these emails."

"Take it easy."

*

Jackson finally called.

"Hello, Mister Sörensen. Keeping well?"

I could swear he was trying to wind me up. "I've been a nervous wreck waiting for you to call."

"Hey, now. Keep those feelings for your boyfriend."

If only he knew. There was a lot of background noise, wherever he was. "Can you go somewhere quieter? Where are you?"

"That is the sound of men chuckling in French. Hon-hon-hon."

"You're in France?"

"This is where the search has led me, yes." There was one of his annoying blows into the phone, probably exhaling smoke. "Shall I cut to the chase?"

"Yes."

"Found no direct links so far. I think this is an isolated incident. Regardless, I just got off the phone to your uncle, and I'm going to tell you the same thing I told him. I want you to keep it safe for a few weeks. Do not go out anywhere unnecessarily. Keep yourself in trusted company at all times."

"Right."

"Your boyfriend, he's perfect. Keep him with you all the time, make him move in, I don't care. I reckon he's probably pretty savvy like Zack, but Zack has managed to incapacitate himself for a while so you need someone else watching your back."

"I don't want Tyler getting hurt over anything."

"I didn't say that. Just don't go alone anywhere for a while. If Tyler doesn't want to do it I'll be sending one of my guys to shadow you."

"I don't like being watched."

"So play it safe and there's no need for it. You go to work, you go home. Rinse and repeat."

I rubbed my brow. I understood it, but it still made me sick. "I don't want to live in fear like this."

"You got the money to hire a whole platoon of bodyguards if you want it." I could hear him sucking on his cigarette, the sharp exhale following that rattled in my ear. I wondered if he was trying to plant ideas in my head without making it obvious. Did he think I needed it? Why couldn't he just give me a definite yes or no answer if I was in danger or not?

"How long until you're back in England?"

"Few days. Got a couple colleagues covering your case while I'm here. They'll be calling you if anything pops up that you need to know."

"All right."

"If you're staying in a predictable routine it makes it easier for us, Darren."

"And for them. I'll be attacked at work or at home. Great."

"No, they'll be more likely to strike somewhere en route if your father and cousin are any pattern."

I swallowed. "Thank you, Jackson. I'll do as you say."

"Stay safe."

All that noise disappeared into silence and I looked down at Amanda laying by my feet. I rubbed her belly and she lifted a front leg a little, soppy and drowsy. "Girl, you're supposed to be a guard dog." Her tail started to wag and I looked up to see Tyler walking in, wet and clad in his swimming trunks.

"You were on the phone?" he asked.

"Yes. Jackson."

"What did he say?"

"You have to move in and watch my back for a few weeks."

He somehow managed to grin and look concerned at the same time. "Wow. Isn't that pretty much what I'm doing already?"

"He also doesn't think this incident is linked to the main case."

He might've looked even more relieved than I felt. Damn Jackson could never give definite answers, but this was good enough.

"He wants me to live safely for a few weeks just to be sure."

"What does that mean?"

"Staying in a very boring routine."

He perched on the sofa beside me and slung an arm around my shoulders. "I guess we can do that."

"Tyler."

"Hm?"

"Thanks for putting up with me."

"Do you know what? I've lived my whole life with other people putting up with my shit. It's about time I got to put up with someone else's." He kissed me, but I didn't really like the chlorine taste or his sticky skin.

"Go shower."

"You'll join me?"

"Yeah."

We made love that night, and it was hot and sweaty and crazy, almost like the first time I'd taken him into my bed. And yet while I held him moaning beneath me, my mind kept wandering to the night where he'd pinned me to the floor.

---