All Comments on 'Jealousy'

Sorry to say that I didn't read all of yours. Your writing is terribly 'wordy' which might have been your aim, but convoluted, lengthy, wordy sentences make for difficult reading. Skimming, therefore, was the way to go!

The quasi-flashback introduction of characters was also somewhat difficult to take.

But most of all, please please please insert more Direct Speech.

(damn good plotline though)

Yours,

Kilroy (of)

I commend this admitedly lengthy narrative describing the currosive effect of jealousy on the lives of others to all perceptive readers. The slow, measured development of the main characters through the first half of the story provides a solid foundation for the balance of the tale as events speed up to a smashing conclusion. It takes time to finish this piece but well done, Kennewickian!

Words, words, thousands of words...and not a story to be found anywhere. If you want to write a political essay, do so.

What was your point in writing this? The particular attention to details such as the name of the street where they lived, the schools they attended and even their religious denomination or affiliation overwhelmed the story. At one point, I thought you were writing a travelogue. At another point, I was inundated with political minutiae.

Where is the story? You spent so much time DESCRIBING the prominence or the accoutrements of prominence of these people that you made them caricatures and not characters.

Furthermore, your sentences are too long. Almost all of your paragraphs could have been divided into two or more, and to top it off, I do not find affinity with any of your characters. Who am I as the reader supposed to like? Whom should I root for?

This was pompous writing at its worst.

I read and read and read some more and nothing enticed me to finish your story. I was hoping something would compel me to continue, but nothing came. I finally just gave up.

Please take this as constructive and in future efforts write to draw the reader in.

Thank you for your efforts.

I got so lost in your name dropping and un-necessarily complex plot twists that I never found the story!

Your previous stories had some emotion in them, but this seems like a Wall Street Journal editorial.

Talk about the people, the emotions!

There needs to be some conflict to keep the readers attention.

Regards, DJ

It could have been a good story, but the author didn't deliver - unless name dropping, political diatribe and wordiness are considered a plus.

It was well written and pieced together nicely. Good read.

I couldn’t get passed to first page, Sorry, but there was just no interest generated to make me want to read further. I felt like I had picked up a copy of some political journey, or Times Magazine.

Although I have heard of some of the characters mentioned I really have no wish how their lives fit together. As one of the other commentators mentioned; too many words, and not enough interaction.

I have to admit to being a conversation junky, so my opinion is rather bias. Instead of writing erotic stories, I suggest you go for biographies. You can certainly sting facts together with fiction, maybe a spin doctor for some politician is more your calling?

When it comes to a car wreck, the audience really wants to see it and hear the inside dirt as seen and experienced by the occupant, not some droll reporter delivering the facts after the fact.

Technically speaking, this piece probably rates the 5 star, but for mind gripping reading, then it doesn’t get much better than a 1.

Sorry

Amanda

I liked the quasi-actual presentation. Much more academic that usual LW stories. Ending was more of a downer than I felt necessary for the Harrisons. Maybe reality??

This reads like ambitious rough sketch or outline for novel . Waaaay too dense for five pages! The bad guy was too easy to root against- conflict the reader by making him likable at some level and heighten interest. Dick Cheney , for instance, is reviled on many levels and yet has warm relationship with gay daughter( or so I've read).

You gave the ex-wife an Achilles heel with her dabbling with boy toys between marriages and that made it easier to root for. (We all have something a bit off, que no?) . The last big thing Some humor Please! Comic relief is alwYs needed. Good enough for Shakespere then good enough for you! Good luck!

Dryer than my aunt's roast turkey. Needs some fleshing out, some juice.

nicely written and edited, for sure. if it were less bombastic, it would only be 2 or 3 pages.

I'm impressed. This story was written at something above an 8th grade reading level.

You consider yourself an elitest, however I see you as an arrogant psuedo intellectual and you seem to believe that everyone, just everyone, wants to hear and read about your Political rants?

Well, get a milk crate, walk down town, turn it upside down, raise your voice and proclaim - No - remove any doubt that you are a very hardcore, left, radical, progressive Democrat!

Problem, some of us are Independants, Liberals and undecided and people like you turn us away and why - because we're concerned that if we don't agree with you that you'll have us beaten, incarcerated and/or just disappear! Oh, are you also a retired Union Thug?

I'm not impressed with your mastery of semantics, if indeed you are gifted, and you need to realize - some of us can read/write and think for ourselves.

Write a LW story or write Political speaches but make up your mind and do us a favour, keep them separate!

put it where the sun don't shine. Incidentally, you're not nearly as gifted as you think you are.

I read for entertainment and love happy endings, this story with unhappy endings (at least the love in the marriage could have lasted, no need to destroy everything, IMO). Not that entertaining, no happiness at the end. I gave it a good rating just because you took the time to write and research but it did not please me.

Had potential and was a great topic but it just sort of petered off the closer I got to the end. Could really use a good edit job.

and interesting tale. Sadly IRL when you are the CEO of a company with the largest fraud in the history of the US government (Colunbia/HCA with $1.7 billion in fines) you simply take the 5th in court 75 times leave the company with $10million in cash +$300 million in stock and become the Governor of Florida Rick Scott.

Truth is stranger than fiction and there is no justice in or out of court...

and look at the price he ;paid. TK U MLJ LV NV

When the escort scandal hit, she should have revealed that one of the reasons she had divorced her first husband was that he was a lousy, inconsiderate lover who couldn't satisfy a woman in bed.

His second and third wives might have had something to say on that subject as well.

politics and politicians are like masturbation, in the only things satisfied is Themselves. TK U MLJ LV NV

This "Might have been" a good story, were it not for the author's predilection for inserting his personal political points of view into it.

I don't read stories here for the politics, I read Literotica to be entertained. If I want

to hear, or read, a flaming left-wing diatribe, I'll go to CNN, or MSNBC, or TIME

Magazine.

Fuck all this "politics" shit on Literotica. I don't care if you're trashing George Bush,

Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, Abe Lincoln, or even George Washington. As far as I am

concerned, Literotica ain't the place to do it.

It well describes the elites in this country, with some fairy tale justice to lighten the tone. However, politics reduces the readership, and beyond that, the reading level is quite high, so considering all that, it was an enjoyable read for me and a lot of others.

But short of finding a mass market at least on this site

Chilley

5

Jealousy does destroy everything in the end, doesn't it???

I realize this story was written 14 years ago, but even then the genetic and biological underpinnings of membership in the LGBTQ community had been firmly established by good quality research. It should be obvious that extraordinarily few people would choose to be part of a stigmatized, and at times persecuted, minority.

You risk alienating half your audience with your infusion of real life politics. I suspect you alienated even more, including myself, with the ham-handed fashion in which you did it. Not a single character (on either political side) was developed enough to care about them.

A little less politics.

A little happier end for the 2 MCs

This could have been a classic.

Very well written.

4/5

Really enjoyed this tale, even if the ending was more real life than most LW stories. Thanks.

A sad story of two unlikeable people that end up destroying the golden years of Harrison and careers of his sons. Nothing to like about Jeffery either in his business or personal life. Nothing to like about Carol as her marriage was more a transaction for financial security than anything else. Her escorts were just nicely labeled prostitutes that she naively believed would never come back to bite her in he ass, and turn her into a persona non grata in her social, academic and Harrison’s diplomatic circles.

Lackluster writing with a dull plot and uninteresting people conveying an emotionally flatlined narrative.

Being gay is most definitely a choice for some. Believing that all gay people are the same is just pathetic.

1 star story.

You overwrote some parts, going too much in depth, and once you made both husband and wife scum by having affairs there was nobody left to root for. (Skip to end and instant 1 star)

For all intents and purposes she was as big of a slut as he was. Sure, she didn't cheat while married herself, but she did cuckold someone she knew socially. So the bit about not wanting someone else to go through that while sleeping with her husband makes the character seem despicable.

Do better.