All Comments on 'Jen's Fathers Dark Secrets'

You couldn't keep your characters names straight or who was thinking what. Editor and help from others might help you in the future, but this story was a hot mess and a huge fail.

Don't give up writing just because of some mean comments. Keep working at it and you may get better in time.

The plot line is good. However, the story doesn't flow smoothly. The reader has to stop several times to re-read in order to understand what has been written due to poor sentence structure. It is clear that nobody edited this story. In the next story have someone edit it and I'm sure it will be better. Don't give up on writing.

Not to bad, but like was said earlier, an editor would help.

But the execution of the story is lacking. You are having trouble creating readable sentences. There is a lot of repetitive wording. You are using the same words over and over. You don't have to use the person's name repeatedly in the same paragraph. Sentences are choppy and don't flow well. I suspect that English is not your first language. An editor would be very helpful.

Don't be discouraged. Keep on writing. You have the mind for it. Just not the skills to make it flow.

get back here and finish it

IWS, I read a story in two ways: first for the story and second for the grammar.

I've only read this story once, so I wasn't aware of the grammar. The plot was not the usual father and daughter story. It involved two strangers, even though they were related. The dialogue was sparse. Her internal dialogue was very good, and her searching the house and his computer added to the interest. His method of have ladies play his game was quite innovative. I've never read anything like it, excellent.

The game inside the "room" was also innovative and slowly built up the sexual tension. Her only wearing four pieces of clothing made the game short. The chaining and whipping added to the suspense, and the ending leaves the reader "hanging" even though his daughter wasn't . A very good story, maybe I'll read it a second time.

I found it difficult to get pulled into the scenes you were trying to depict. Your plot is very good and included some new things that I haven't come across in other stories. Like the other commenters though, I found the sentence structure to be choppy. Which is really the only thing that kept me from getting into it. I hope you take this as constructive criticism. I think your story could be great and like your imagination. Hopefully you continue to share your writings.

With all the previous comments. FIRST-i do commend you for writing,and putting it out there. SECOND-i commend you for leaving up negative criticism. A lot of authors do not take basic,not even harsh,criticism well. Yes,your paragraphs are filled with insanely repetitive words, you constantly reiterate your characters' names,the plot is choppy, and your story literally does not have an ending,but I guess we all have to start somewhere. Thank you for your contribution.

but I want to see what else you can come up with, that he did to her in that room... freakin' hot!

I can't believe you end it right when it get started and haven't written more. Please please please give us a lot more on this one

What happens? Do they form a love connection given they have no bond to begin with?