Jesse

"Maybe, he's not as needy as he made it seem?" I tried to make it sound like more of a question than an accusation.

"He told me he had nowhere to go, no one to help him, he's not out to many people and those he is out to are not really OK with it," Jesse defended.

"Jess, I'm sorry that this is happening, but I can't do this here, now, I have to finish my shift, go home, I'll come over after work," I pulled him up from the chair and walked with him toward the front of the store. "I'll see you soon," I hugged him and watched him walk through the parking lot.

After work I sent Jesse a quick text to let him know I was on my way.

It's OK. He's here. We're talking. xoxo

Should have seen that coming.

--

My phone rang several times throughout the day both Thursday and Friday. I ignored it every time it rang or buzzed with texts and voicemails from Jesse. Saturday night I went out with a group of coworkers. Dinner and a movie was much more my speed. When I woke up Sunday morning my phone was dancing on the nightstand. I had put it on vibrate Saturday morning and left it silent.

"Hello," I decided to answer.

"What the hell Ryan, I thought we were friends, why are you ignoring me?" Jesse's voice came through the speaker, loud.

"I've been around, just really busy, sorry," I kept my voice calm, emotionless.

"You're being ridiculous and you know how much I hate jealousy," Jesse's voice stayed at level 10.

"Can't imagine why I haven't answered the phone," I said under my breath.

"I told you that Mark had nothing to do with us, why are you acting so put out?" still no change in tone.

"You're the one making a big deal out of things, I've been busy and not answering my phone, is that a crime?" I finally started raising my voice.

"Fine. I'll let you get back to your life," Jesse huffed.

"'Kay bye," I said into the speaker, and I pressed the end button.

You are acting like it is a crime that I am helping someone who needs me. Don't pretend you haven't been ignoring my calls. I know you well. And don't ever fucking hang up on me again.

Jesse's text came through as soon as I put the phone back on the nightstand. I looked at it, rolled my eyes, and set it back down. The beauty of texting. I could wait as long as I wanted to answer him.

After a nice hot shower and some breakfast I picked up the phone and typed in my reply.

You know exactly how I feel about this and why I feel that way. But if you need a refresher, I would be happy to explain it all again. You do not get to decide when I answer my phone. You made a choice, I'm making mine. I'm here for you, when I decide it's right. Take that tone with me again and the time will never be right.

I stared at the words for a while before hitting the send button.

His response came in quicker than I expected.

More ultimatums. I thought our friendship was about love and trust, not rules and regulations. Yes, I know how you feel about Mark and I have told you I am not leaving him on the street to die. He asked for my help and I am giving it to him. He needs me.

What he needs is someone to latch on to while he hides in the closet. He's using you to avoid what he has to face up to. You are in no position to take care of him, you can't even take care of yourself. You are acting like you are some selfless martyr. You aren't. You just like having some kid follow you around like a puppy.

Fuck you. He is not a puppy and I am not a martyr. He is in a bad place and I am helping him out of it. This is not permanent and we are not a couple. As soon as he can get out on his own he will be gone.

You keep telling yourself that. I am your friend and I love you, you know that is true. But I won't watch someone ruin your life because he found your soft spot. I am always going to be honest with you. This isn't going to end well. There is nothing I can do or say that will change what you are doing but I cannot sit back and keep quiet either. You knew that about me when you met me.

Please just do not ignore my calls, I need you, you know that. But I need to help him, too. There is no way I am just throwing him out now. He's here, he isn't leaving until I know he has somewhere to go.

OK. I need to go to sleep, I work another double tomorrow. Sleep well, be safe. Xoxo

I love you Ryan. Xoxo

I set the phone down and rubbed my temples. I really despise being in love.

--

I decided to keep my schedule busy so that I could stay at a safe distance from the Jesse/Mark situation. It soon became clear that no matter how far I retreated, there was no safety. Just after lunch on the third day in a row of working double shifts I came out of the break room and nearly ran head first into Mark. I looked up just in time to see him turn to Jesse and show him the price tag on the shelving unit he was looking at.

"Hey!" Jesse greeted me like this was normal.

"Hi," I forced a smile.

"We, uh, I came in to get a bookshelf, need a new one," Jesse stumbled over the sentence.

"'Kay, I'll go get Maria, this is her department," I tried to escape.

Jesse grabbed my arm "You can't help?"

"No," I pulled my arm away.

Jesse followed me as I went back into the break room.

"You can't be in here," I pushed him back out the door. He kept coming.

"Don't act like a child, I need a bookshelf, I came to get one," Jesse pushed me further into the room.

"Your lies are getting so out of hand you don't even know you are doing it anymore," I blurted out.

"Lies? So I don't need a bookshelf?" Jesse acted dumb.

"You have a fucking trust fund, this is a cheap excuse for a furniture store. When you need something you go to Beverly Hills ritzy, not San Fernando Valley below average!" I shouted.

"Don't flatter yourself, I'm not here for you," Jesse retorted.

"You live less than 10 minutes away from Beverly Hills and you are at MY store in Burbank, see you can't even keep up with your own lies," my voice kept rising.

"Stop acting like a child, who are you to tell me where to buy a fucking shelf?!" he yelled back.

I grabbed Jesse's arm and pulled him out the break room door, stopping when we got to Mark who was staring at a shelving unit pretending he hadn't heard our little exchange. I tracked down Maria and explained that there were customers who needed a bookshelf in the shelving department. She looked at me funny, knowing full well that I could help them just fine myself.

"Please just help them, you'll understand when you get over there," I whispered.

Maria nodded and headed in their direction. I retreated to the far back of the store and made myself busy with a kitchen display.

After my shift I sent a text message to Jesse.

We need to talk. No holds barred. Alone. Come to my apartment tomorrow at 11AM. I am off work. No excuses.

At 11:05AM the next day there was a knock at my door. I took a deep breath. He was alone, and only 5 minutes late. I was momentarily impressed. I let him in and we headed for the couch.

"This is going to be one of those all out in the open talks," I announced.

"OK," Jesse nodded to me.

"How long have you been sleeping with him?" I asked without hesitation.

"A while," Jesse answered.

"Are you in love with him?" I kept calm.

"Yes," Jesse admitted.

"Does he love you?" I kept the rapid-fire questions going. No need to stop and think.

"He says he does, yes," Jesse answered.

"When were you going to tell me the truth?" I prodded.

Jesse took a long pause. "I don't want to lose you and I did not mean for it to go this far. I hoped that he would get tired of me and leave and it would be all over, but he's not going anywhere, I've tried to be mean, I've tried to encourage him to find someone else, he just, won't," he kept his eyes on the floor.

"Of course he won't, he's living the good life. He's got a rich daddy to take care of him, he knows you love him and won't kick him out, why would he want to leave?" I tried to stay logical, keep my emotions level.

"They always do," Jesse's response was more matter of fact than sadness.

"I'm not waiting around for you Jess, this isn't healthy," I told him.

"Are we going to do the 'him or me' ultimatum thing again?" Jesse snipped.

"If that's what you want to call it, fine, but this is getting way out of control, if you loved me, I would be enough, there would be no need for you to seek out other people, but that's not the case, it never has been," I let honesty reign despite myself.

"Every one of them is gone and you are still here, doesn't that count for anything?" Jesse tried to justify.

"Not really. It says a lot about what an idiot I am, always on the sideline waiting for my turn, we both know my turn isn't coming," I stayed with the truth.

"I have said it before, I know I am selfish, I want it all, I don't want to lose you, why can't we just be like we were?" Jesse kept on the same line.

"What were we?" I asked.

"We had fun, we went out, hung out, guys came and went and things were always OK," Jesse tried to explain.

"Things were never OK Jess, I just dealt with it internally, this is not OK, I need more than you can give me and you need someone that isn't, me," my voice started to crack.

"I need you, I always have and always will," Jesse tried to assure me. "You are the only one who knows me, the only one I let in fully," he continued.

"And it's still not enough, you can't deny that. If it were enough you wouldn't need to be at RAVE every other night looking for more, you would be able to let go of this kid and just be with me, without all this bullshit," I pointed out.

"What does this all mean?" Jesse asked.

"It means that you made a choice, and that's the choice you are going to have to live with, I can't stick around anymore hoping for someday, it isn't going to come," I looked at my feet.

"There was never a choice Ryan. I have enough love to go around. My relationship with Mark doesn't change anything between us," Jesse pleaded.

"It does though, it changes everything, you now have a live in boyfriend, that changes things a whole lot," I reminded him.

"He's not my boyfriend," Jesse said.

"What the fuck Jesse, he's living in your house, sleeping in your bed, you're out buying furniture together, you are in love," I shouted.

"He'll leave, it won't last, I just need to wait for him to figure that out," Jesse said quietly to his shoes.

"You have the ability to end it and you won't, you are letting your need to be loved at all costs win out," I kept on him.

"Give me a little more time, he'll leave, we both know this," Jesse looked at me for the first time since the conversation started.

I looked at him and chose my words carefully "I am not going anywhere, yet. But. I am also not going to let any of it go, and I will not hesitate to tell you the truth even when it would be better not to," I kept my voice firm.

"OK," Jesse was just relieved to know I wasn't bailing.

We sat in silence, not looking at each other. My head wandered in the forest with an axe looking to cut off my heart at the arteries. My heart held its ground, hiding behind the biggest tree it could find.

--

Another week went by and I worked so many hours that they had no choice but to force me to take the next few days off. Monday morning I woke up early for no reason. My mind started to work its magic, over-thinking and overanalyzing every text and brief call Jesse and I had exchanged that week.

I wondered if a nice jerk off session would help me loosen up and fall back to sleep, so I wrapped my hand around my morning wood and started to stroke my dick slowly. It wasn't long before my mind wandered to the short encounter Jesse and I had before Mark had called and interrupted us. My dick throbbed and twitched as I recalled the touch of Jesse's hands on my body, his soft but strong lips against mine. And then it was like a switch turned on and suddenly I was watching Jesse make love to Mark. Moment over. I released my grip and cursed at the ceiling.

After eating some breakfast I decided fresh air was a better idea than sitting in my apartment staring at the television. I took my time walking around my neighborhood, strolling around the park, watching the stay at home moms or nannies, I couldn't tell for sure, play with their kids.

When I got back to my apartment I took a very long very hot shower and tried to jerk off again. Still, I could not get past the visions of Jesse and Mark in various states of sexual pleasure. I got out of the shower and wondered if I was somehow defective.

It was early evening when my phone beeped at me.

I need you.

I rolled my eyes and stared at the phone. A hundred different stories rushed through my brain about what could possibly be wrong now.

What's up?

He's gone.

Again?

This time he's really, gone. He said he wants to just be friends.

I pressed the send button, knowing his number was the last one I had dialed anyway.

"What happened?" I asked, as concerned as I could get my voice to sound.

"He just, packed up and left, told me that he just wants to be friends, that this is too hard for him to handle," Jesse's voice was shaky and gruff, he had been crying.

"Too hard, what the hell?" This genuinely surprised me.

"Something about not being ready to be in a full blown relationship," Jesse explained.

"I'm sorry Jess. Maybe it's for the best?" I hoped he heard that the way I meant it.

"I just don't get it, one minute everything is fine, the next it's too much? Too much what?" Jesse was trying to make sense of it.

"Do you want me to come over?" I knew the answer before I asked.

"Yes," Jesse's voice cracked. He was crying again.

I got to Jesse's apartment quicker than I should have, he was going to owe me a lot more money if I got a ticket for speeding. He had left the door unlocked for me so I just let myself in and found him lying on his bed. I sat down next to him and put my hand on his back.

"Why would he just leave?" Jesse asked me.

"I really don't know Jess. He might just be telling the truth. He's young, he's not ready to be living with someone," I amended my words, now was not the time to remind him he was living with a child.

"I told you he'd be gone soon," Jesse said into the comforter.

"I'm sorry," I was. I wanted this to be over but not this way.

"Why me?" Jesse asked after a few minutes of silence.

"Why you what?" there were way too many answers to the question. I needed specifics.

"Why do I find the ones that are so damaged and want so badly to leave me?" Oh. That one.

"I don't know babes," now was not the time to launch into my psychoanalytical mind warp.

Jesse sat up and looked at me. His eyes were red and puffy. I held out my arms and he moved closer so that I could wrap them around him. After a few minutes we moved to lie down and there we stayed, quietly cuddling, for quite a while. There were so many things I wanted to say to him, but I held my tongue. Now was not the time.

We fell asleep in each other's arms and I stirred awake when I felt him move.

"You OK?" I whispered.

"Mhm," he sighed.

Jesse sat up and I followed suit. We were sitting close, his shoulder against my chest. I could feel his breath on my neck. He looked at me and I visibly saw the shield he keeps over him lift. His eyes cleared and all the love he truly felt for me washed over me in a rush of emotion. Tears formed in my eyes but before it could turn into a full sob Jesse leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. He reached up and gently brushed his hand over my cheek.

Our mouths moved with hunger and want, kissing, nibbling, teasing. I leaned back slowly, pulling Jesse on top of me as I kissed his neck and chest. Jesse pulled my shirt over my head and laid his bare chest against mine, returning to my lips. His hands were hard at work on my jeans, unbuttoning and unzipping them. He reached inside and pressed his hand against my hard cock.

I traced his back with my fingers and stopped at the band of his pajama bottoms. I slid my hand inside and massaged his ass, pulling him closer to me, feeling his hard cock against mine. I slid his pants off and wrapped my hand around the shaft of his dick. Jesse pulled my jeans and underwear down and teased my cock before moving to get me fully naked.

He returned to me, laying against me, kissing me deeper, pulling me closer. While one hand stroked my dick Jesse prepared my ass with the other. He gently pushed against my hole and watched my eyes to be sure I was OK. I nodded to him, letting him know I wanted him to make love to me.

I sat up and kissed his neck and chest as I rolled the condom onto his dick. I took my time rubbing generous amounts of lube over the shaft, stroking him off as I coated it fully. Jesse reached down and gently moved my hand away, letting me know he was way more than ready to enter me. I laid back and let him take over.

Jesse's hands were wrapped against my thighs, he pulled me close to him and I leaned my legs against his shoulders. His cock pushed against my ass and opened me up, sliding into me, making my eyes roll back into my head. I let out a soft moan and told him to keep going. When I felt his balls against my ass cheeks I let my legs fall to the bed and pulled him over me.

Jesse made love to me with strength and precision, hitting every possible spot and making me shake with pleasure. He kissed my lips, neck and chest and kept his eyes on mine as he thrust his hips against me. I could feel his dick throb harder inside me and I knew he was ready to burst. He let out a deep moan as he wrapped his fingers around mine. His whole body shook as he filled the condom with his cum. He kept his dick inside me while his hand wrapped around the shaft of my dick. It only took two short strokes before I was shooting cum onto my stomach.

He leaned over and kissed me, letting his dick slide out of my ass.

"Wow," Jesse exhaled next to me.

"Ya," it was all I could say.

"Can I use your shower?" I asked him after a few minutes.

"Sure. OK if I join you?" he answered.

We showered together in his big spa style bathroom. The hot water felt good against my sore ass. Jesse wrapped his arms around me as we stood under the water. We kissed and played as we washed off the sweat and cum we had shared. When we stepped out of the shower Jesse handed me a towel. I wrapped it around my waist and looked at him. Years of love and desire swept over me and I could not help but smile. Just as I was about to tell Jesse what I was feeling I saw the shield cover him again. I decided to wait for another time.

--

I followed Jesse back into his bedroom and started gathering my clothes.

"You're not staying?" Jesse asked as I was pulling my jeans on.

"Uh, sure" I pulled my jeans back off.

We climbed into bed and Jesse pulled the covers over us. He kissed my neck and cheek before settling in next to me. It took a while for me to fall asleep completely. It seemed like I had just drifted into a full sleep when Lady Gaga filled the room. I felt Jesse reach for the phone. He didn't answer it.

"What time is it?" I asked quietly.

"8:15," Jesse's sleepy voice was in my ear. He had moved closer to me.

Jesse's hands were exploring my body and I felt his lips against my shoulder blades. He reached around and grabbed my hard dick, brushing his thumb over the head while his fingers massaged the shaft. I moaned in approval. He quickened his stroking. And. More fucking Lady Gaga.

"Fuck," Jesse yelled into the air. He silenced the ring and stared at the phone. "Hello," he answered.

My instincts suggested I take that moment to go to the bathroom and figure out how to make coffee with the fancy machine Jesse had on his counter. I was moving things around trying to figure out where the coffee went when Jesse joined me in the kitchen.