All Comments on 'Jessie'

Prose is decent, but this is all over the place with characters. The main part of this particular entry was about Ira and Pearl, and it would have been better to cut everything else out and save it for later.

Tense changes early on in the narrative don't build confidence in the author. It's never advisable, but especially in the beginning, before readers have much invested, it's begging them to stop reading.

The lesbian scene in the very beginning felt highly improbable in terms of physics. Feet in armpits? That's some incredibly short legs on an improbably long torso. Cheapens the rest of the narrative, especially when it claims to be true. Speaking of which, if it's not true don't claim that it is. Nothing wrong with fiction. Some people think a real story is hotter, but you persuade a reader that it is real in the way you relate the events. There's a fictional voice we tend to adapt, as opposed to relating events from memory. Readers can pick it out quick.

All of these problems are highly unfortunate, because the real draw to this story, the human element, is quite strong. Once you cut through the preamble, and introduction to characters that are not immediately useful, Ira's internal conflict is shown well. The erotic element is also well executed.

Best,

dd