All Comments on 'Just a Jab Ch. 05'

The seduction of others ...can't wait!!!

Wonder if Sophia and Janet are still in the baby-making business?

it's no worse than a SyFy original movie anyway. The editing, on the other hand, needs serious improvement. There were whole sections where you went from third person to first and back, apparently without noticing you'd done it. Also, Janet's damp crutch during the office scene may have been only a typo, but it was both hilarious and off-putting. Kinda hard to stay in a sexy mood when you're convulsed with laughter instead.

Overall, the story's fine, it just needs more attention to detail to be a truly good one.

But whole sections where POV is changed. I found one paragraph where I slipped and became John instead of being 3rd person. I do tend to get carried away while writing and when in full flight with the muse on my shoulder I can slip into narrating 1st person. I get excited and begin to live in the story, sorry for enjoying my craft too much. But pull myself up and fix (this can get messy LOL), except this one bit in the middle of story. I went to the comment writer about this for more info in case I missed another part, but not answering the message. Only 1st person POV I found, except this one paragraph, was within dialogue (quotations to the fore and quotations to the aft) which does not count.

Sorry for crutch-crotch typo. Gosh the police are strict in this here town. It was only one over the limit.

Which is the next to get preggo?

Good story, but watch out for those POV changes. You went from third person to first person and back a couple of times, and it can be distracting.

Also, you missed an opportunity, instead of being preggo, Johns’ swimmers could have been affecting Linda, and all women, so that no woman could take more than one or two loads a day without being affected with flu symptoms! But you did set up more participants well, so that’s not a complaint, just a thought.

Also, I meant to hit 4 stars, but the site doesn’t let me change the rating.

You really want to work on the sex scenes wordings. Call it a pussy or a cunt for fucks sake, describe the feelings and sensations and do not call it a "vagina" ever in erotica. Throw in some dirty talk, have Linda encourage him to fill their tight little pussies with his hot super fertile cum.

The idea is great, but the dialogue and sex scenes need some work.

Another great chapter bravo 👏 👏 👏