Keeper of Secrets

He must have known she'd be upset, so he hadn't bothered to tell her he'd enlisted until the day before he left for basic training. At first she'd thought it was a joke. When she'd realised how serious he was, she wanted to murder him, right in the living room of their small Darra house, so at least he could die on home soil.

'Mum, don't be stupid, I'm not going to die,' he'd argued. 'I knew you'd react like this.'

'Like what Aidan? Worried that my son is making a stupid, stupid decision because he wants to be a big, tough man?'

'That's not it,' he'd snorted, his eyes flickering with annoyance.

'Then what is it? You worried that you won't get into university? That you won't be able to find a real job?'

'No.'

'Then why are you doing this?'

'Mum, quit it.'

She'd crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him, as he sat, sulkily, on their lounge suite. It had seemed preposterous that he'd even be accepted into the armed forces. This was the kid who still needed to be reminded to change his underpants daily. And he wanted to be a soldier? Oh, for fuck's sake. It was ridiculous.

'You're making a big mistake,' she'd told him.

All of a sudden, Aidan had jumped to his feet. 'Maybe I just want to get away from you. Did you ever look at it that way? All of my life, you've been smothering me. Go and find a husband. Find someone else to coddle and suffocate.'

'You're joining the army to get away from me?' she'd asked incredulously. 'Because I dare care about you?'

'Yes! Fuck, yes!' he'd exclaimed in frustration. 'Do you understand anything about how fucking annoying you are? You seem to have this idea in your head that you can run my life for me. You want me to dress the way you want, study the degree you want me to study, and if I'm not fucking careful, next thing I know you'll have found me a woman want me to marry.'

'That's complete bullshit, Aidan. All I've ever tried to do is help you.'

'No, you're trying to use me to prove to everyone that you're respectable, even though you whored it up when you were a teenager and have a bastard kid whose father's name you can't remember.'

She'd hated him in that moment. She still had that unconditional motherly love for him, of course, but as a person? She'd hated him. After a few second's silence, during which he stood, eyes narrowed, challenging her to respond, she'd gathered her composure.

'You know what?' she asked. 'If you're so desperate to get away from me that you're happy to be cannon fodder for some rich white guys who wouldn't give you the shit off their shoe, go for it. I'm thirty-fucking-three. I can start again, and maybe have another kid, one who'll be grateful for everything I do for it.'

With that, he'd stormed off to his bedroom and she'd gone to hers to cry, and to try and hack his email account. Once upon a time she'd demanded he give her all his passwords, which he had. For a while she'd checked everything almost daily, but over time, she'd relaxed. She shouldn't have. What sort of stupid decision was this, joining the army?

At any rate, she'd expected that they'd both sleep off their anger, wake up, apologise, and she'd wave him good-bye. What was done was done, wasn't it? No matter how angry she was, he'd obviously made his decision. Instead, he'd packed his bags, and spent his final night in Brisbane at a mate's house.

It would be six long months before he contacted her. Six months in which she'd call him numerous times, leaving long voicemails apologising for everything she'd done and said. Six months in which she'd trawl the internet, trying to figure out what he might be experiencing. Six months of lying in bed at night, angry one minute, terrified the next.

He didn't tell her he was coming back. He'd merely reappeared without warning, showing up to her father's birthday celebrations one Tuesday night, as if nothing had ever happened. He'd stayed long enough for everyone's shock to wear off, and for the questions to start, before excusing himself so he could step outside and return an urgent phone call.

There had been no phone call. It had just been an excuse to get away. He'd gone to his car and disappeared into the night, as silently and unexpectedly as he'd returned.

Aidan had repeated the pattern several times, until everyone had learned their lesson; don't prod, don't ask questions, don't criticise. Just accept his presence, and don't put any pressure on him.

Three and a half years since he left for basic training, and he still didn't respond to his mother's phone calls or texts or Facebook messages, not even on his birthday. Sometimes he'd send her flowers for her birthday or Mother's Day, but not always. Not today. Today there had been no birthday message, no card, no delivery of flowers at the library.

She missed him so much it hurt. She'd always loved him, right from the moment he was held next to her head for her to view after an emergency caesarean. She'd been rushed back to high school the week after his birth, and her mother had done much of the caring for him in his early years. Much to Ellie's dismay, her Mum had fed and burped and changed him, taken him to playgroup and to visit friends, and for all intents she'd been Aidan's mother, up until Ellie graduated from university, found a job, saved up a deposit, and moved into her own little house. That was when Ellie finally felt she could reclaim him as her own.

Aidan had been seven at the time, and Ellie still remembered their first night alone in their new home. It had been very quiet and still. Very Westernised, this whole living on their own business. Aidan had seemed happy enough with their new living quarters, right up until it was time to go to bed. That's when he'd turned to Ellie and asked; 'can we go home now?'.

He'd missed her mother. He didn't want to live with Ellie; he wanted to live with his grandparents.

Sometimes, she thought miserably, sometimes it was as if she'd been failing the child, right from the beginning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A delivery arrived for Ellie the next day; a teddy bear, a box of fudge and a brightly coloured balloon. She took the package into the staff room, flicking open the little card, fully expecting it to say the usual; 'Dear Mum, Happy Birthday, Love Aidan'.

Only, that wasn't what the card said. This one read: 'Happy Birthday Ellie. I hope you had a wonderful day. If you would like to talk to me about life in the Defence Force, please feel free to call me. Seth. ' There was a mobile number listed beneath the message.

She tried calling him, but his phone went direct to voicemail, and she tried to do the same on her lunchbreak, but the same thing occurred. With fumbling fingers, she sent him a text message, thanking him for his offer.

He replied that night. 'Sorry I missed you, I was at work. What are your plans this weekend? We should catch up.'

She was working on Saturday morning, and he was working Saturday night, but they were both free Sunday night. It seemed rather inappropriate to go out to a restaurant and talk about difficult topics, and she didn't want to intrude into his home, so she asked him around to hers. She offered to make him dinner.

'Are you offering me an authentic Vietnamese feast?' he asked.

'I can make you authentic Vietnamese or Australia-Vietnamese Vietnamese. Take your pick.'

He told her to surprise him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seth rode slowly down the street, searching for her house. She'd given him the number and he'd checked Google street view, so he knew what he was looking for.

He found it easily and pulled up out front. It was a small, lowset house. The cladding was a peculiar, metal type, that he'd noticed was unique to the area, and it was painted white with blue trims. There were colourful flowers in the flowerbed, and a stepping stone path to the front door.

From the house's low lying position, he guessed that it had flooded in 2011, and there were thick, ugly powerlines running across the road, but all the same, he'd seen development proposals outside houses on nearby streets. What Ellie had said to her friend in the library had been correct; the early signs of gentrification were here.

He parked, removed his gloves and helmet and jacket, and straightened his shirt. He had two, new condoms tucked inside his wallet, and two bottles of sauvignon blanc in his backpack. He wondered if he should have driven, so his shirt would have stayed neat, and his hair could have been styled. He had a car, but it was on it's last legs, so he tended to use it only when absolutely necessary. Besides, riding provided stress relief. Freedom. All of the usual clichés about men and motorcycles. Ah well. Too late to think about that now.

Ellie seemed slightly flustered when she invited him in. She was wearing a dark green and black dress that showed off her slim, feminine body, and her make-up was beautiful, but her hair was pulled back into a casual ponytail, which she tugged at self-consciously as she invited him inside.

'Excuse the hairdo,' she apologised. 'I don't want to drop hair into your food.'

He stepped inside her neat little house and took in his surroundings. Yep, the place had definitely flooded. The kitchen and flooring and paint was all near-new and uniform, inexpensively but adequately installed, and as indefatigable proof to end any speculation, hanging on the wall was an aerial view of the house during the floods.

'Wow,' he remarked, gesturing to the photo. 'Your house was almost entirely underwater.'

'Yeah,' she nodded. 'Luckily my parents live out of the flood zone. I had all of my furniture and belongings moved to their house when the government announced we were going to go under. My insurers didn't cover flood, but thankfully the bank let me borrow some more money, I got flood relief money from the government, and the local community helped... we were lucky.'

'It must have been terrifying.'

'Weird,' she corrected. 'It was just weird. I'm in a privileged position of course, because Aidan and I could go and live with my parents until the waters receded and the repairs were done, and financially I survived, but ultimately, it was just a very surreal experience. I think that's why I keep the photo; to remind myself it actually happened.'

Aidan. The son. The soldier. There were a few photos him in the room, as a baby, toddler, young boy and in his late teens. His father had been white, and Aidan himself had a Caucasian appearance; his only hints to his heritage the shape of his eyes and the colour of his skin. His hair was dark brown, his shoulders were broad, and his nose was that of a white man.

'You were young when you had him,' he commented.

She nodded, and led him into the dining area. She gestured for him to take a seat at the kitchen table while she finished preparing dinner.

'I had him just before I turned sixteen,' she replied, pulling on an apron. 'What about you? Any children?'

'No.' He took the wine from his backpack and handed it to her.

She accepted it t with a wry smile. 'Would you be offended if I poured you a glass, and opened a beer for myself?'

'Hell no. Get us both a beer. I was trying to bend to your tastes.'

She drank Fourex gold, and he teased her about being a bogan as they lifted the caps off their bottles. Ellie laughed. Yeah, she agreed. She probably was.

'Can I ask about his father?' Seth asked, gesturing to a photo of Aidan. 'Or would you rather not?'

'Ask away. If I'm asking you personal questions, the least I can do is to let you do the same.'

'Oh no, no,' he interrupted. 'I won't answer anything I feel uncomfortable discussing, so neither should you.'

She flushed. 'Well, I promise you I won't ever again ask if you killed anyone.'

'You're not the first to ask. You just caught me off guard.' He regarded her carefully. 'For what it's worth, though, the answer is 'yes'. More than one. Would you like a number?'

'No. No,' she replied, shaking her head. 'I'm sorry.'

'Me too. But it is what it is, Ellie. Some people go through their entire careers without ever seeing active duty, or without ever having to fire a weapon.'

She bit her lip and turned on the gas. 'I wasn't judging you. Not then, and not now. I'm just worried he's going to return home traumatised. I want to know what he might have experienced.'

'He probably doesn't want you to know. Men are funny about their mothers. We like to presume they're innocent.'

'I think in Aidan's case, he prefers to presume I'm a nosey pain in the arse who wants to control his life. That's why he joined the army; to get away from me.'

He regarded her carefully. 'Were you that way?'

She shrugged defensively. 'I don't know. I only wanted him to be happy. I wanted him to make good choices. But I never sheltered him. I let him see the world for what it was. My parents kept me very sheltered, so I was very careful not to do that to him.'

Ellie reached for a tray of herbs and meat and vegetables. Her slender legs were on display, so smooth and brown it was all he could do to stop himself from approaching her and touching them.

'My parents were kind, but they were strict,' she said suddenly. 'Very, very strict. And I was a very obedient girl. I studied a lot. I did everything they asked. I got a scholarship to a private school based on my grades, but I was different from the other girls. I was one of the Asian scholarship kids, there to boost the school's academic results.

One time, when I was fourteen, I was invited to a white girl's party. I was excited, you know? I really wanted to go, because I liked this girl, she was my 'white friend' and she'd told me boys would be there. But my parents said 'no'. So, I waited until they were asleep and snuck out of home. I caught the train to the right suburb, and as I was walking to my friend's house, dressed in my sluttiest clothing, some guys in a car pulled up. They asked where I was from, and where I was going, and I told them I was going to Caitlin's party. They said they were going there, too, and they offered to give me a lift.

I know it sounds stupid. It is stupid. But I was young and naïve, so even though I was a bit worried about getting in the car with them, I was even more worried about getting lost, so I climbed into the back seat. Anyway, as you can probably guess, they weren't going to Caitlin's party.' Ellie paused. 'When they were done, they dropped me off a street away from Darra train station. I went home, cleaned up, went to bed. A week later I got my period. I wasn't pregnant from the experience, but I was really messed up. I started sleeping around. Any guy who wanted me could have me. It took me two months to fall pregnant.'

'Fuck, I'm sorry,' he apologised.

She forced a smile. 'I have no idea who the title of 'Dad' should go to. The names are just a blur. In the middle of a debating competition, three boys took me into the bathroom and fucked me, one after the other. No condoms. Revolting, isn't it? But like you said; it is what it is. I didn't even stop when I realised I was pregnant. I must have slept with twenty or thirty boys.'

'Did you ever tell anyone about the rape?'

'I got counselling when I was in my early twenties. It helped a lot. I've told a few men I've dated, but the reception generally hasn't been good. I think a lot of people struggle to understand why I got in the car in the first place, let alone why I wouldn't tell anyone, and why I'd start sleeping around. But I was very naïve, and very obedient, and afterwards, I think I was just offering it up so nobody had a chance to take it. What's freely given can't be stolen.'

He took a long swallow of beer. Ellie started cooking dinner, filling the air with all sorts of delicious smells. Her face took on an expression of concentration as she moved about, quickly and lithely, mixing noodles and veggies and meat. What he felt for her wasn't merely sexual attraction. It was something stronger and deeper, a desire to be as close to her as possible.

As she bought over plates of food, he asked her if Aidan knew much about her past.

'Only a bit,' she replied. 'Not about the men in the car. I could never tell him that.'

She removed her apron and loosened her hair. It fell like a river of black around her shoulders, shiny and glossy and heavy. He tried to imagine her at fourteen, showing off her pubescent body, nervous and scared and excited about a party.

Ellie noticed him staring and smiled thinly. 'You think I'm a fool?'

'No. I think you must be an incredibly strong woman to be able to recover from that.' He picked up a pair of chopsticks and tried to remember how to work them, as she sat down across from him. 'Has it affected your relationships with men?'

'Yeah, it has, but I don't think that I was ready to date while Aidan was younger. I had a lot to work through. Even now, I'm scared at the idea of dating. Other women my age are just starting their families, or have young kids. I have a kid who's twenty-one.'

'Do you want another child?'

'I don't know,' she admitted. 'What about you?'

He gestured to show he didn't care. 'I'm a man. Children are neither here nor there to me.'

'Do you want a wife?'

He smiled at the question. 'Maybe not necessarily a wife, but a long term, female partner would be ideal.'

She smiled and picked up her chopsticks. 'I understand.'

He concentrated on eating. The chopsticks were awkward in his hand, but he refused to give in and use the knife and fork she'd supplied. The food was different to anything he'd eaten before. Authentic Vietnamese, he guessed.

After they'd finished, they washed the dishes and put them away. She asked him questions about his live in the ADF and he told her some truths and some lies, and left other things well enough alone. She seemed satisfied with his answers, but Seth knew that if you tell people one or two unique snippets of information, they'll automatically believe they're being told the whole truth.

Did this make him a sleaze? Someone who was prepared to lie to her to get her into bed? Maybe. Maybe not. He wanted more than sex, although, to be frank, the more he looked at her, the more he wanted to fuck her. He'd never been with a woman who wasn't white, but it wasn't yellow fever he was experiencing, it was plain old lust.

She got him another beer, and a glass of water for herself, and they sat back down at her kitchen table.

'I'm sorry about we always stare at you,' she said suddenly. 'The librarians.'

'I didn't realise,' he lied.

'You're our eye candy.'

He laughed out loud. 'You missed me at my peak. You ladies need to go down and watch when one of the navy ships dock at the Port of Brisbane. Check out the American servicemen. Some of the are huge. I have no idea what they're eating to bulk up like that.'

'We're librarians, Seth,' she laughed. 'We're the last group of people who would throw themselves at a bunch of Marines. We'd rather write or read a romantic story about one of them seducing us, and taking us back to some Southern State where we find out they're... never mind.'

'Hung like a horse?' he guessed.

'Rich,' she corrected.

There was silence.

'Okay, rich and hung like a horse. But don't look at me like that; if men can want a girl who has big tits, bonks like a demon and follows the same football team as them, women can have their own fantasies,' she laughed, flushing red.

'What? Are you telling me you don't have a favourite football team?'

'I know nothing about football. Well, that's not entirely correct, I know there's three types; rugby and soccer and AFL. Does that count?'

'You include soccer but don't separate league from union?'

'What?'

He laughed softly. 'Never mind.'

Before he could stop himself, he leant over and touched her hair. She cast her eyes downward shyly, but didn't pull away. He knew she wanted him, but he wanted to be careful about how he went about taking her to bed. He didn't want to stir up unpleasant memories of men forcing themselves on her. He pulled away regretfully, and picked up his beer.