All Comments on 'Keys to the Kingdom'

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She imagined that i[t] was Nelson['s] lips and tongue stroking her erect heated flesh. Then, she placed a hand on the shower wall as her other hand slid around her waist, down her ass crack as she insert[ed] one thumb in her sphincter and one finger in her pussy.

His cock was rock hard and twitched as he watched her fingers slid[e] in and out furiously fucking those holes.

He stepped into the shower startling Lillian but she was so caught up [in] her impending orgasmic release she couldn't stop and she did not want to.

Lillian moan[ed] her pleasure letting her fingers slid[e] out of [her] pussy and ass as his tongue found and circled her sphincter and his fingers replaced hers in her pussy.

Thank you, Thank you, and Thank you so much for your feedback. I am dyslexic so editing is a struggle for me and your comments will help me in the future. Again, thank you so very much...I wish I had an editor like you....

You have asked for feedback, so here goes. I'm not a critic, but I know what I look for in an erotic story. First, I think you right quite well. You know and use all the key "buzzwords" of a good, hot, healthy sex encounter.

But, if you look at this story of Lillian and Nelson with what some might call "the view from 20,000 feet," you see 15 paragraphs, most of them long and quite dense, is which you as the writer are talking to me as the reader -- but the two characters, Lillian and Nelson, are hardly ever talking to each other.

For example, which is a better story, if you tell me as the reader that Lillian really wanted to suck Nelson's cock or that Nelson really wanted to eat L.'s pussy -- or have them tell each other? I don't want as much to hear their thoughts through you but to "eavesdrop" or be looking in the window and listening to their passion. That's what turns me on. Here's what gives me a hard cock (I'm a male, by the way, an old guy who doesn't do sex like I used to):

Lillian: Nelson, you have such a beautiful cock -- I love it, and you haven't even fucked me yet.. I want it -- no I need it. O damn, fuck me Nelson, I can't wait .. please fuck me -- go as deep as you want... fill up my pussy..."

And so on. See? I'm horny now (literally! ha!) and my cock is getting hard. If I were Nelson, I'd be in you -- not frantically -- but slowly inching my 7 inches deeper and deeper -- and I'd be talking to Lillian.

Dialog is so much better than description. Let the lovers tell me of their passion as they talk to each other.

By the way, I'd love to eat you and fuck you if there was such an opportunity and we both wanted it. That's how hot I think you are!