Kick it up a Notch Ch. 04

Gwen and I made love as Ann hung over the back of the sofa watching us. I could kiss my wife and even fondle her breasts when I put my attention in that direction. Ann occasionally interjected some dirty talk in our direction, talk about what we were doing or about what Martin or John were doing to her pussy. Behind her, Martin and John kept trading off places. Martin came in Ann's cunt, and five minutes into his next turn John came inside her too. We'd long ago dispensed with condoms, so we were all fucking bareback all the time.

Ann announced, "Now I'm all full of man cream."

Gwen pleaded from beneath me, "Bring it to me. Let me have it. I love cum."

Ann came around the sofa and mounted Gwen's head facing me. Immediately, I could see the viscous white semen from the two men start to leak out of Ann's pussy. Gwen yanked Ann's hips down so she could seal the opening to her full vagina with her mouth. I could see the sides of Gwen's cheeks suction in as she started to suck out the male goodness from Ann.

Ann and I kissed some more, even through a couple of Gwen-delivered orgasms. Ann and I talked in low voices as I fucked Gwen and Gwen ate out Ann.

Ann asked, "Were you surprised when you came in the door?"

"Sort of. It was late enough that I guessed that something might be happening."

"I tried to slow things down and we were just starting when you got home. I hope that was OK?"

"It was fine." I fondled Ann's breasts and even sucked on each nipple. I could see a fresh hickey emerging on one of her globes.

After another orgasm, Ann pulled off of Gwen and went to the other facing sofa where John and Martin sat. She started to give Martin a blowjob as John munched on her pussy a little, and then sank his revived cock into her for a second round.

Gwen and I consummated our union with a soft and gentle pair of nicely synchronized orgasms, and a whole lot of whispered words about love and caring and passion. I felt appropriately welcomed home.

* * * * *

Just after the following Thanksgiving and after many visits together, Martin traveled to Europe for his work for two weeks. We invited Gwen to come and stay with us, and she enthusiastically accepted. The first Saturday was unseasonably warm, so John, Ann, Gwen, and I drove to the coast, found one picturesque town after another, one antique store after another, and we walked and talked.

I watched Ann and John holding hands as they walked in front of us. They were still in the mode where they would often make goo-goo eyes at each other, looks that signaled they really wanted to be making love in a bed somewhere.

The holding hands and the cute daytime kisses in public almost hurt more than the sex they had at a feverish pace. It meant something more than a casual and dispassionate fuck. The casual public act signaled to the world that a deep and growing relationship existed there. My gut twisted again, and I got that feeling that I was on the edge of a panic attack.

I couldn't take it. I abruptly turned and started to walk in another direction. I yelled over my shoulder, "See you at the car in an hour." I tried to sound friendly, and hoped the others would think I needed a bathroom break.

Gwen was left standing right where I turned, not sure whether to follow John and Ann, or come with me. I didn't care. I kept walking until I was long out of sight. I didn't look back.

Gwen found me five minutes later sitting on a pier piling out near the end of a long jetty. She came up and put her arms around me. "You want to talk about it?"

I shook my head.

She persisted, but made a flat statement that seemed more like a question, "You feel like you're in over your head ... and everything's falling apart?"

"Yeah."

"Me too. I'm starting to realize the emotional aftermath of what we got into - Martin and I with you guys. It's tough. I cry a lot when I'm alone."

"I love the sex ... and you." I paused and added, "I cry too."

"I know you do. Making love or fucking releases chemicals in the brain that make you fall in love with your partner. We have feelings for each other, but it's not really the kind of love you have for Ann or that I have for Martin."

I looked at Gwen. How had she suddenly become so wise?

Gwen continued, "There can be stable multiple person relationships, but I don't think this is one of them. Martin likes the sex, but he's jealous of you and a little bit about John. He knows I have deep feelings for you, and he worries we'll take off with each other. He's less worried about John because he's so obviously bonkers over your wife. You're in a terrible place about Ann and John, but I tried to look at things from Ann's point of view. Do you want to know what I think?"

"Of course."

"I think Ann is on an ego trip and she doesn't want to give it up. She's Super Mom, Super Wife, and Super Girl in the office, and now she is Super Girlfriend to John, and proving to herself and the world that she can be Super-Slut, really into something naughty and sexy. Oh, she loves the sex, but she's really getting off on all the praise and attention she gets from everybody in each part of her life. She's a praise junkie."

Gwen continued, "John is not a catch. Oh, he's a nice guy, but he's not even in the same league as you, let alone on the same team. You name an area of personality or a desirable trait, and you're a ten and at best he's a five."

"You're kind."

"Look, if we were both available to each other, I would move heaven and earth to end up with you. So would every other girl, including Ann. Carol wanted you but she knew you'd never leave Ann, so she distanced herself from things."

"So, if I'm so hot, then why does Ann want to be with John?"

"Dummy, she does want to be with you! John is a diversion, a toy, a pet; he's not a long-term situation. It'll end someday. At the intensity they're both burning at, the relationship can't survive - at least in its present form." Gwen was almost pleading with me to see the situation the way she did.

"But the sex?" I implored.

Gwen laughed, "Why not? It's great fun, it's naughty, and it feels great. Ann grew up like me, being a 'good' girl. Now she's found an avenue where she can cut loose ... even be a slut once in a while, and she loves it, but it's a phase and it'll pass. You helped her find her new self, and I don't mean by tolerating her kicking back with John. You are a fabulous support to her in everything she's tried. You give her the confidence she needs in her job, in being the kind of mother she is, and even in her relationship with her parents ... and of course how tolerant you are of how she interacts with you. She might have found a way to do it anyway, but you gave her a great avenue to grow and the encouragement to try. She'll get over the sex, and John and Martin, and the sex toys, and go back to the way she was only be more satisfied, happy, and a more rounded person."

"Really?"

Gwen thought a moment, "Well, I won't give an iron clad guarantee, but I think it'll work out for you. She will now have seen the movie and know what an affair is like, what extramarital sex is like, what cuckolding you is like, and hopefully she'll appreciate you that much more because she'll know the pain she put you through."

I snorted and said, "Or not."

"True, but give this a chance to play out - another year. Things like this move slowly." Gwen leaned in and kissed me. "I'll be around to talk to you if you want. I might even be your friend-with-benefits depending on Martin's mood, but after this week we agreed to cool things down, at least the sex stuff."

"I get it, and thanks. I have a feeling I'll need a sympathetic ear, particularly with someone that knows the whole situation." A tear rolled down my cheek and I choked, "God, Gwen, sometimes it hurts so much on the inside. I just don't want her to see how badly I hurt, and then at other times I want her to feel every last twinge of pain I feel.

Gwen held me to her breast for a long time, and my teary jag passed. We kissed for a bit, and I felt as though we were saying goodbye in some way. I felt the impending loss again of someone I loved.

We strolled back to the car holding each other close. I felt really supported by Gwen. We met John and Ann, went to dinner, ended up back at our house, and then partnered up in our large bed and made love.

I grew closer to Gwen during the week sleeping with her every night in the guest room, and making love to her more times than we could count. We even set our alarm clock so we'd wake up in the middle of the night and we could have sex one more time. I got so I was almost oblivious to what Ann and John did; they were sleeping together too.

Gwen and I knew this was the conclusion of this part of our relationship, and we milked it for all we could get from it. In the end it was bittersweet: we'd grown closer together, yet now had to part.

When Martin arrived back in the states on the following Sunday, we had a goodbye fuck with them, and then Martin and Gwen disappeared for their home. As they left I felt like someone had blocked out the sun; I'd miss Gwen's smile, warmth, understanding, and love. I secretly shed a few tears down in my man cave.

After that weekend, I got swept up in the threesome sex that made me unable to even think straight, and the frequent aftermath of our evenings together that left me feeling lonely, often jealous of John, and with the continued worry about losing Ann.

The loneliness was the strangest feeling. Here I was married with two neat kids, some great in-laws not too far away that worshipped me, a good friend in John and a couple of other guys in the neighborhood who I ran with on the weekends, and many friends at work who I know would cut off their arm to help me. All that and more, and yet because of how Ann treated me - my wife - I had an overwhelming sense of loss and depression about the marriage and what had happened to it. Gwen was now gone, and I really had no one I could talk to about things.

I muddled through day-by-day, week-by-week, and month-by-month. Little changed in our lives. Ann's 'affair' with John continued unabated, and usually in the evenings we'd have our threesomes.

* * * * *

Seven months later I had a weeklong trip to the west coast. It was big deal. I had to give two speeches to important audiences, plus visit several customer sites and do some consulting. In the process of leaving I casually mentioned to Ann that she had carte blanche with John and that she didn't even have to think about me.

I guess the way I said it or gestured about it left her a little unsettled. I wasn't sarcastic or anything, I just told her to do whatever she wanted, and then I left. Funny, but later I couldn't remember kissing her goodbye, although I had made a big deal of leaving our kids, showering them with 'daddy kisses,' and promising them that I'd bring them back something from California.

On the flight out and later, sitting alone in a hotel bar one night, I did an analytical assessment of what I felt like and how my relationship with Ann had changed. I even did part of it on a couple of pages of paper, something I should have done when I first got riled about what was happening. I thought best on paper.

Almost two years had passed since Ann started in with John by 'kicking it up a notch.' What a hell of an anniversary. I was solidly in the emotional aftermath of her decision and my tolerance of the actions and fallout. I started to realize that quite a few things had changed. The longer I was away, the clearer things got.

I had ceased to be married to Ann in some ways. When I had that realization I sat back and felt shocked and stunned. It was so radical and simplistic, and yet it was so right on the mark. Without a doubt, that was how I'd come to feel.

Sure, we had sex and screwed around with and without John, but the psychological commitment I'd made to Ann and to our relationship had severely weakened. There were days I just didn't care. I had caed more about Gwen than Ann, before that relationship had to end.

I did some self-study about why I had remained in the relationship. I liked Ann - even loved her in some ways, and I still considered her someone I wanted to be around and have in my life, BUT - and it was a big 'but' - the bond of love that we'd had for over fourteen years had been broken when she took on John as a lover. She shattered it and tossed it aside when she directed her intensity at loving John and the steamy sex.

We also were financially tied together, and a lot of those benefits put both of us in a comfort zone that neither of us would want to lose through a division of property and divorce. I didn't want to lose the house, a structure I'd put hundreds and hundreds of hours of sweat equity into. Guys I knew who'd divorced had ended up in little shit-hole apartments they could barely afford, and the rest of their ex-family weren't doing all that well either. I didn't want to end with visitation privileges with my kids; I loved them more than my own life, and a separation would mean I wouldn't get that daily interaction with them when I was home. We had a comfortable division of labor between us; it was rough around the edges but it worked.

So on that trip, I resolved that I'd stay married to Ann, and just coast and see whatever else came along. Maybe I could fall back in love with her. I knew that time healed all wounds; maybe these dark feelings would evaporate some day.

I'd try, but deep down inside I knew things wouldnever be the same again. Humpty Dumpty had fallen off the wall, and all the king's horses and all the king's men would never be able to put Humpty together again. Maybe we could scramble some eggs from the mess we'd created.

One evening while I was away I called Gwen and explained all this to her. Fortunately, Martin wasn't around and she could talk to me for hours. She agreed that I was probably making the right decision, but was sorry that I'd lost so much of what I'd started with in my relationship with Ann. We both cried a lot when I told her I still loved her.

I was sorry too. Pulling away from the relationship with Ann had been the only way I could remain sane, protect my own inner being and sense of self-worth, and keep some balance in my life. I also thought of the humorous version of an old adage: 'Time wounds all heels.'

I'd been badly wounded by Ann, and in mentally distancing myself from her I found some space to heal from what she had inflicted on me ... what I'd let her inflict on me. I had to admit that I owned a large piece of my own discontent and pain. But then, I knew that despite Ann's words about ending it all if I just said the word, that she likely wouldn't have actually done so.

Gwen had reminded me in our call that we make our own happiness or unhappiness by how we judge a situation, and that we judge based on our expectations, which can be quite arbitrary. Some days I judged the Ann-John situation as good, arousing, and worthwhile, and that made me happy. Other days I had other judgments about what was happening that took me to a different extreme.

When I got home from my trip on Saturday morning after a red eye flight, I was cheerier and happier about my decision. Ann and I did have sex, and I sort of wrote that off to a convenient mechanism between friends to satisfy a basic need - now we werefriends-with-benefits.

The following Monday when I got home late from the office, John was there and he and Ann were making out in the living room, as usual. Ann had already changed into what we called her 'sex robe' - clothing she could slip on when she got home and be naked underneath: naked and ready for a lot of sex.

I said hello, then went and fixed myself something to eat, had a glass of wine alone in the kitchen, and then went down to my den and turned on my television. I didn't even think much about missing anything or wanting to participate or even any pain or jealousy; that was past. It was as though Ann were ironing in another part of the house; I was that casual about it.

Ann came down to my den about a quarter-hour later. She was still wearing the robe so I surmised that all John and Ann had been doing was making out. She asked, "Aren't you going to join us? I'd love it if you would."

I smiled at her so she'd know I wasn't in a rage, "No. You guys do whatever you want. I'm just going to crash here so I'm out of the way. I had a tough day and need to decompress. I have some bills to pay too."

She shrugged and left, but came back only a short time later after she'd apparently pushed John out the door. She sat in my lap and snuggled up to me, and I held her, but I was surprised at how cold my own feelings were towards her: not hostile, just neutral and distant, like you'd be with someone that was almost a distant friend.

I know she felt my mood and feelings too but she didn't push the issue. I long ago stopped sharing most of my feelings and emotions with Ann. For one, whenever I raised anything around her - John, sex, Gwen and Martin, and so on, I'd get all sorts of arguments from her about why Ishouldn't feel that way. She obviously missed the point, and that was that I 'did'feel that way. Telling me not tofeel that way, and in her opinion why, wasn't a solution.

John wasn't around for the next few days, and I probably mellowed a little. I spent a lot of time with the kids in the evenings, and also caught up on some of the 'to do' list on the house, family finances, and yard. I was always polite and courteous to Ann, and even made an effort to be overtly friendly and cheerful. I think she could tell I'd turned a corner of some kind, and she wasn't liking the new path I was on because I think she felt that now she was the one left behind. I wasn't sure, and she didn't say anything for a long time. Further, there was no one to blame. If I'd behaved this way when Gwen was around, she could have blamed her for my mood, but we hadn't seen Gwen or Martin for several months, so she knew that wasn't the cause. My actions were entirely driven from within.

The following Friday, John came by and announced he had been headhunted to a new job at another software company. Ann had mentioned that something was in process for him, but he'd worked out a good deal with them, so he'd accepted the new post. I congratulated him, but again it was much the way I might congratulate a distant colleague or casual acquaintance in my own company.

Ann studied me that evening, and I think for the first time she really started to realize that I'd withdrawn not only from the threesome, but also from the marriage and my relationship with her. She finally 'got' it. I guess I did too. I wasn't trying to rub her nose in it, and I didn't even care if she 'got' it. Things were the way they were going to be for a long time to come.

I was horny so I did enjoy some threesome sex with John and Ann that night, but it wasn't like it had been before. I didn't intend it, but I didn't use the 'I love you' words the entire night, something I had always done automatically before with Ann. When I realized my omission, I figured that if she re-earned the emotion, I'd gladly share it again with her. At that point she was a friend - a friend who had hurt me in many ways.

While I'd been in California I'd realized that I'd been hurt the first day she started any of this; the day she announced, 'I want to kick it up a notch or two with John.' From that instant, everything had changed, even if none of the other stuff had happened.

A few nights later Ann asked if I'd babysit the kids while she went over to John's new apartment. He'd completely moved out of the apartment near our home and into better accommodations. The apartment was miles away from us, but near his new job. I shrugged and said, "Sure, I don't mind. Have fun. See you later."