Know Thyself Ch. 07

So that's what it's like to be fucked.

Well, I think my twenty-nine ninety-five was well spent! (plus tax). I stay in the fetal position, my hand still holding my pulsing pussy. My legs loosen their clamp and my whole body begins to get weak now that all the tension is gone. I lay there, thinking about nothing, my mind clear and my body at peace. This is the true feeling of ecstasy. Carefree without tension. I had no idea what I had been missing my whole life. Not necessarily because of the dildo. This is how I felt all those times Alana made me cum too. But cuming as Ben doesn't even compare to the feeling I can have cuming as Ashley.

I start to fall asleep when I hear a knock at the door. I jolt up in bed, still naked, wet with a soaked dildo laying on the floor in the middle of the room.

"Yes?" I call out with a shaky voice.

"Dinner's ready," my mom says.

"Okay!"

I hold my breath until I hear her walk away. Thank God I locked the door.

I need to get my own place.

*************

The rest of the weekend was pretty much a dildo-fest. I used it one more time that first night on Saturday before I went to bed and twice the next day. (For anyone keeping track, yes, "and twice on Sunday"). It's now Monday morning and I'm on my way to Algebra. I enter the building and get on line to buy a coffee from the shop on the first floor. My phone beeps and I pull it out.

A text from Charles. "Are we still on for tonight?"

I don't know what to say. I can still call it off. I put the phone back in my pocket without answering. There's no rush, I can answer him after class. It's not like if I take too long he'll cancel. I have to remember I'm the one in the driver's seat here, not him.

After I get my coffee I make my way upstairs to the classroom and take my usual seat in the front. It's funny, I actually don't know what most of the people in this class look like since they're always behind me. And then she walks in. Alana stops in the doorway for a split second when she sees me and then puts her head down and keeps walking. She takes her usual seat next to me, a bit of a surprise, but she doesn't look at me. It's clear she's not ready to talk. I turn away as well, pretending I don't notice her but glancing at her from the corner of my eye every so often.

This is the first time I've seen her since she "broke up" with me. Was that really a break up? Were we in a relationship? I guess we were, I would like to think we were, but maybe the fact that I was already in a relationship with Matt negates that one. Either way, she missed both classes last week. I wonder if something was wrong or if it had to do with me.

The professor begins the lecture and I jot down some notes here and there. It's all still very basic to me. I wish I became Ashley before she took her placement tests. I wonder if I can take them again? I'm sure there's some kind of advisor I can go to.

I glance at Alana but she's not looking at me. Her focus is up front with the professor as she feverishly takes notes. My phone buzzes in my pocket again. I forgot to put it on silent but apparently it already was, lucky for me. I wonder if that's Charles again? Sitting in the front of the class eliminates the option of checking it.

Eventually the professor finishes the lecture and everyone is dismissed. I linger at my seat, taking as much time as possible to put my stuff away. Alana hasn't said anything to me the entire time. I guess she's still mad and I don't blame her. I really messed up and I can't expect her to just get over it. Maybe it's best I don't push it. I zip up my bag and walk out of the class. The professor finished ten minutes early, so now I have a full twenty minutes before my next class starts. I try to make my way through the mass of people in the hallway. Apparently a few professors finished early today. Then I feel a little tap on my shoulder. I turn around and see Alana standing there.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" She asks.

I'm actually kind of shocked. She doesn't sound mad, nor does she look it. She keeps averting my eyes, alternating between looking at people pass by and her shoes.

"Sure," I say. "How are you?"

She nods. "Good, I'm good."

"I was a little worried since you didn't show up to class all last week," I say.

"I wasn't feeling well. Look, I want to apologize."

There's a moment of dead air as I make sure I heard her correctly.

"For what?" I ask.

"I think maybe I was a little unfair to you." I can tell she's thinking about every word she says. A boy bumps into her as he walks past, apologizing as he keeps walking.

"You want to sit down somewhere?" I ask.

She nods.

We make our way to the student lounge and find an open couch. Luckily there's not that many people here, which makes it easier to have a private conversation.

Alana begins before I can.

"I'm sorry I flipped out on you. I guess it was a little over the top," she says.

"I'm sorry too. I should've been honest with you from the start."

She nods. "Yeah, you should've. But that doesn't mean I should've kicked you out. I just..." She stops for a moment. I can tell there's something bothering her.

"What?" I ask.

"The first person I ever came out to was a friend of mine. We both kind of came out to each other. We never had sex or anything but we would make out and cuddle and stuff like that. We were both coming to terms with who we were. I found out from someone else that she had started dating this guy. When I asked her about it, she pretended like we had never done anything. Then she started telling everyone I was a lesbian and I made a move on her and she thought it was gross. It was a whole nasty thing. Anyway, I've just always been weary of girls who are only into you when they're "between men" I guess you can say. It's not fair, you know?"

She sounds exactly like Wendy. I guess this happens a lot when you first come out.

I nod. "Yeah, I know what you mean."

"So when you told me you had a boyfriend, I just got a rush of all those old feelings again and I kind of lost it. So I'm sorry."

I nod again. "Then let me be honest with you. I told you before, I've only ever been with one girl. And all we really did was kiss. I started seeing this guy because he was nice and I am, or was, still attracted to men at the time." I stop for a moment, thinking about what I just said. Maybe I'm not attracted to men anymore? I can see Alana picked up on it as well. "I wasn't sure what I wanted and being with you kind of showed me who I am. I didn't mean to be dishonest with you, I just didn't know what to do. I really didn't."

"I can understand that," she says.

"After what happened between me and you, I think I've finally come to accept that I'm a lesbian. I even told someone."

"Who?" She sounds impressed.

"My brother."

"Wow. Good for you. How did it go?"

"Great. He's really cool so I don't know why I thought it wouldn't go well. So yeah, I'm sorry about what I did, but I didn't mean to hurt you or anything."

She leans in and hugs me and we hold each other.

"Can we start over? As friends?" She asks.

I nod. "I'd like that a lot."

"Me too," she says with a smile.

I have my friend back. We're probably not going to be hooking up anymore, but I'm kind of okay with that. If I'm being honest with myself, there's only person I want right now.

Then I realize the time.

"Oh shit, I'm late for class!"

She laughs. "Sorry! I forgot you have class right after ours."

We both stand up and she gives me a hug.

"I'll talk to you later?" She asks.

"Definitely!" I say as I run out of the student lounge.

*************

When class is finished I head outside to find something to eat. I still haven't texted Charles back but he also hasn't sent me another text since that first two early this morning. I'm about to enter a Chipotle when I see the Fountain Man at the end of the next block looking at me. When we catch eyes, he gets in a taxi and heads south.

I guess this is his way of saying he needs to talk?

I suppose lunch can wait. I find the subway and head underground. The trip doesn't take very long and before I know it, I'm approaching the Bethesda Fountain. There's a good amount of people here, so I start to look for him. He's sitting on the ledge on the opposite side of the fountain. I take a seat and look at him. It's still weird seeing my old face staring back at me.

"Welcome back Ashley," he says to me.

"What do you want?"

"We haven't spoken in a while."

I nod. "So?"

"Are you still enjoying your new life?"

I think about it for a moment. "Yeah, I suppose."

"You don't miss your old one?"

"There wasn't much to miss," I say regretfully.

"Even your parents? Your mother? You do not miss her?"

Why is he asking me this?

"Because I find it interesting you haven't thought about her."

I forgot, he knows what I'm thinking. And just as I think that, he nods.

"Why would I? I'm Ashley now. What am I going to do? Go to Baltimore and tell her 'hey, I used to be your son.'"

"I suppose that wouldn't work."

We both sit there, looking at the people around us.

"You still haven't told me the truth," I say.

"About what?"

"Who you are. You say you're me, but we both know that's not true. I don't have any control over who I become, you do. I don't know what you're thinking. I can't just appear and disappear like you do. You're not me."

He nods. "You do have a point. Maybe I'm embellishing it a little bit when I say I'm you."

"So who are you without embellishing?"

He looks at me with a smirk. "I'm you."

I shake my head, realizing I should know I'm not going to get any answers.

"You will," he says. "When we're finished. I'll answer everything."

"Just tell me what you want," I say.

"I realized there is something you might not understand. This whole experience isn't permanent. At least, not yet."

"What do you mean?"

"At some point you're going to have to make a decision. This life or the other."

"You mean choose between Ashley and Ben?"

The Fountain Man nods.

"Why?"

"You can't live your life with one foot in and one foot out. You must commit to one or the other. The people you know in one life will not know you in the other. So it's a choice you must make carefully."

I don't say anything, thinking about what my choice will be. On the surface, it's been much better being Ashley. But on the other hand, I'll never know my mom (Ben's mom) ever again. I haven't thought much about her since I became Ashley but that's mainly because I've always assumed this was temporary. At least since I've knows there was a Fountain Man.

"That's exactly why I'm here now," he says. "To make it clear that you must choose."

"When will I have to?"

"Well first, I have to level the playing field."

"What does that mean?"

"Having been Ashley for so long, you might've lost track of what you had when you were Ben."

"I didn't have anything."

"That's exactly why you will change back."

I stop and look at him.

"Tonight," the Fountain Man continues. "After you go to sleep, you will wake up as Ben."

I don't say anything. Do I want to change back? If you asked me last week I would've probably said yes, but now that everything has calmed down I'm not so sure.

"What if I don't want to wake up as Ben tomorrow morning?"

"Are you saying you'd like to make your final decision now?"

I pause for a second. Is that really what I want?

The Fountain Man smiles. "That's exactly why you're not ready yet."

I look down at my feet to think for a moment. "What if-" But when I look back up he's gone. I look at my hands and then the rest of my body.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up as Ben.

*************

Shortly after leaving the Bethesda Fountain, Charles texted me. He game he his address and said if I want to see him, to show up at seven. "The ball is in your court," as he put it, like this is a game. I decided I'm going to go, not because we're going to have sex but because I want to tell him it's over. I'm not going to be the girl who ruins his marriage. I could tell him in a text but that will only invite more communication. There's something about telling someone face-to-face that it's over that get the point across. That's why you never break up with someone over the phone, or God forbid through a text!

It turns out he lives on the Upper West Side, so at least I don't have to cut across the island to get home. Of course a day trader lives there. It takes that kind of money to afford the Upper West Side. It's dark now, which makes it seem later than it actually is. I've always loved this area of the city. It's one of the few places in Manhattan that's actually kind of quiet. The only place quieter than here is the place I live, Inwood. He lives on Eighty-First and Columbus, only one block away from Central Park.

What an asshole. He has no idea how good he has it.

I made sure I'm dressed conservatively. I don't have any makeup on, a pair of jeans, and a black Paramore t-shirt. I guess Ashley used to be a fan. Now that I'm Ashley, I can tell you she isn't anymore. I get to his building and ring the buzzer. It's one of those video buzzers, so you can see who it is. I hear his voice clearly through the speaker.

"Glad you made it," he says as the buzzer sounds.

When you first enter there's a staircase to the left, but he lives on the bottom floor. To the right are doors to apartments and his is right behind the staircase. When I make my way around, he's standing in the doorway.

"I thought maybe you weren't coming," he says.

"Surprise," is all I say.

He moves aside for me to enter. His apartment is nice, of course. Much bigger than most Manhattan apartments. There's a large living room area with a conjoined kitchen separated by a counter. On the living room side of the counter are bar stools. Beyond the kitchen to the left is a hallway leading to what looks like a lot more apartment.

He offers to take my coat and I let him, as he hangs it up on the rack next to the door.

"You didn't answer any of my texts today."

"I was in class," I say.

"Of course, of course."

He has a bottle of wine open on the counter and I can see he's already started as his cup is on the coffee table.

"Want something to drink?" He offers.

"What do you have?"

"Well I opened a bottle of Cabernet. I also have vodka, scotch, whisky, beer. Whatever you want."

Of course the whisky is tempting but probably not a good idea. I need to keep my wits about me.

"I'll have some of the Cabernet, since it's already open."

He nods and smiles as he makes his way to the kitchen. I walk around the living room, looking at pictures on the different cabinets and tables scattered around. There's one woman that appears in most of them. After a moment, he's behind me holding out a cup of wine. I take it and gesture to the picture.

"Is that your wife?"

He nods.

"What's her name?"

For a moment it looks like he's not going to tell me but then he does. "Helen."

"She's very beautiful."

He takes a drink. "Yes, she is."

I turn around to face him, leaning back on the credenza.

"How did the two of you meet?" I ask.

"Does it matter?"

"Of course it matters how you met your wife."

He looks down and takes a breath, then looks back up at me. "In college."

I nod, waiting for him to elaborate but he doesn't. He gets closer to me and I can tell he's going to lean in for a kiss, so I put my glass to my lips and take a sip of the wine. Of course the move doesn't go unnoticed by him and he chuckles to himself. He takes a step back and gestures to the couch.

"Have a seat."

There are two couches angled to make a corner with an end table in-between them. I sit down on the couch, the end closest to the end table and face the other one. Instead of sitting on the other couch, he sits on mine, right next to me. I reposition myself to face him.

"Listen Charles," I begin. "I wanted to come here to tell you I don't think this is a good idea."

He just looks at me, no response.

"You're married and you should focus on that. Plus there's something I didn't tell you about me."

"What's that?" He asks.

"I'm a lesbian." I hate it that the second person I've admitted that to is him. I guess you can say he's the fourth if you count Alana and Wendy. He smiles when I say that. "What?" I ask.

"That's hot."

I roll my eyes. "I'm not a lesbian for your amusement. What that means is I'm not attracted to men, meaning you."

"If that's true, then why are you here?"

"To tell you in person. You have a very beautiful wife. You should count yourself lucky."

He reaches over and runs his hand along my breast. I pull back and put my arm across my chest.

"Tell me," he says. "What's the oldest man you've been with?"

I give him a strange look. "Eighteen."

He laughs. "So you've never seen a man's penis?"

I put my cup down and stand up. "Charles, I'm serious. I'm sorry I texted you but this is going to end here." I look him in the eye so he knows I'm serious. "I'm not going to have sex with you."

He puts his cup down and stands up, then pulls me into him, his arm around my back. My face is inches from his.

"I know you want me. You wouldn't be here if you didn't." His fingers caress my neck and then he leans in for a kiss. I pull my head back, still stuck in his grasp. I try to pull away but he won't let me. With no options left, I knee him as hard as I can in the balls. His grip loosens and I break away. He kneels over and grabs his crotch.

"What the fuck?!" He yells at me.

"Charles?" I hear a woman's voice to my right and immediately my heart sinks.

Oh no!

When I turn my head I see the woman from the pictures in the flesh. She's standing in the doorway, her coat still on. She looks at me.

"Who is this?" She asks him.

I need to get out of here.

I look to the woman with the most sorrowful face I can muster. "I'm so sorry," I say as I run to the coat rack and grab my coat.

Charles still can't speak but he tries to say something. "Helen...this is..." But he can't come up with anything.

I get my coat, now only inches from her and she turns on me. "Who are you?" I can hear the panic in her voice.

"I'm...I'm..." I'm at a loss for words just like Charles. I want to tell her I was here to end it, I was telling him it was a bad idea, I was the one trying to stop it, but I don't have a chance to get it all out. I can see the anger and the pain starting to boil up and I turn to leave before it's too late. I run out of the apartment and out the front door to the building and make my way down the block.

Of course she came home. When does something like that every work out?

I should've told him to meet me at Starbucks again if I wanted to end it. That was so stupid to go to his place, even if I had good intentions. I notice I'm still running down the block towards the train. I stop and look behind me. No one seems to be running after me, so I continue down the block at a much slower pace. I can tell I'm on the verge of tears. Why am I about to cry when he's the one that did something wrong?

It did feel good to knee him in the balls, though.

Yes it did. Having been a man perviously, I know exactly how that feels and he deserves every bit of it. I eventually get to the A train and make my way below ground. At least now I can say this business with Charles is over.

If I never texted him to begin with, this whole situation wouldn't have happened.