All Comments on 'Lady-killer'

I really did. I made it to page 2 and then I couldn't continue. The premise is wonderful and different. I like where this might go (or did go until I stopped reading). The issue I have is that the English you are using is much too formal, which makes it difficult to read.

Granted, I am an American, and though I have many friends from the UK and OZ, none of them speak or write as formally as you. It's as if I can hear the cadence of your speech in my mind's ear, and it is very stilted and unnatural. Also, if your story takes place in the US (where my friend's say we "speak that bastard English"), your diction is very out of place.

I apologise for my harsh critique; and I hope that you can possibly find an editor to help you, or perhaps a rewrite that changes the location of your story. As I said, you have an EXCELLENT story idea and I hope you continue writing.

Sxualchocol8

Ps: before any starts bitching about my critique, no, I don't write, not do I say that I'm a Twriter. I am, however, answering the request of the author for criticism. If you don't like what I've said, or the fact I've said it, you can bite me. :p

But, unfortunately, you are writing way to formal. The story comes off as if being read by a totally disinterested third party, rather than the thoughts of the lead character in a romantic tale.

Loosen up, don't try to keep the grammar and construction so ridged. People don't talk that way in person. They talk that way when writing a technical paper and standing in front of a group strangers.

You want to write as though you are speaking to your friend that you have known for a long time, and are really interested in relating the emotions you feel during the tale. Literary license is a writer's freedom to make slight deviations from pure, correct grammar and construction, to convey the feeling of personal intimate thoughts and feelings. It's alright to lose the formality to gain the intimacy of the tale.

It reads like you are going to be graded on the construction and grammar, rather than telling an intimate tale of a girl whose finding that there really may be someone for everyone. Damn the correctness and flowery prose. it takes away from the intimacy of the moment. You are almost there.

Far too formal. I wanted to like it, but couldn't finish the second page, the dialogue so formal it was stilted, sorry, wish I could have given you more than a 3, but please keep trying.

Try writing the speech as you'd say it yourself in a conversation or even read this out loud to yourself, or get someone else to read it to you if you still can't see how overly formal the speech is.