Lady-killer

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"That is great news indeed! But where is this party taking place?"

"At our college. Raymond is best friends with Mary, who is throwing away this celebration. She is an Andersen graduate. Two months back, she applied for employment at the university and she has just been picked up. Do you now understand the whys and wherefore of this party?"

"I have followed your story from its top to its bottom, my dear friend. I still have to arrange my wardrobe with new clothing anyway. I will check if I have anything special to wear."

"I can loan you my new dress if you don't have any clothes."

"Thank you, but no. I will see what I can do."

"Good night, my angel."

"Sleep well, honey."

The call halts with an incessant 'beep-beep.' I sigh and smile contentedly. Chris thought that he was clever, didn't he? Poor him! He will have to face the appalling grief that is coming his way. He has triumphed to aggravate me and to shatter my whole peace thanks to those two directionless playgirls of his. I will return him this same kindness that he has offered me tonight. I will use Raymond to drive him insanely jealous until he will eventually cry in unendurable bitterness. I cannot wait for the sun to show up already. I have some heinous plans for tomorrow. Hurray!

When I awaken, it is 5.23 AM. Darkness still enwraps the heavens, and far beyond it glisten countless stars that are marshaled beautifully on their diverse spots where they are upheld by an indiscernible power. I attempt to drift back into sleep, but I realize that slumber has forsaken me. I give up and I gawk at the mesmerizing stars instead. Before I become conscious of it, rest reappears and it brusquely wrests me back into Dreamland. By the time I open my eyes a second time, the sun has substituted the moon in the sky and it is sparkling gracefully.

I yawn while I sit on my bed. Camilla mutely settles on the furthest corner, wearing an apologetic look on her face. I grimace and request, "What are you doing here at this early hour? You are supposed to be in bed, aren't you?"

"I am here to make an apology about what happened last night. I'm really sorry for the way that Chris behaved toward you. Please forgive me, Alice. I don't want you to continue being angry with me."

"And how exactly did he behave toward me?"

"Chris is a rude and disrespectful guy. To him, ladies are nothing but Barbie dolls of sexual pleasure. I have been friends with him for years now and I know him inside-out. I am positive that he behaved in that uncivilized manner solely to make you feel jealous—which you undeniably did. I will not ever let him hurt you again, Alice, I promise. It was really embarrassing and awkward for me to watch him kiss his playgirls."

"I don't want to talk about him or what took place last night."

"Does that mean that you have accepted my apology?"

"I have already forgiven you, Camilla. None of this was your fault. You brought him here so that you could help him to fully understand Pediatric Neurosurgery. That was never a bad idea. I am proud of you, girl."

We straight away hug and pet each other on the back. I smirk contentedly. Camilla is like an older sister to me. Just like all ordinary sisters habitually act, we angrily cross our swords here and then, but then we pardon each other's mistakes—a lot in fact—and we rejoice and cuddle afterwards. I have no siblings and so this makes her my one and only genuine sis.

The day progresses in a dull and unexciting manner while the sun clambers up the sky. I have not even one single class to attend this morning. The only class awaiting is Human Anatomy and Physiology—which commences at 2 PM and lasts three hours later. After my tutorial, I plan to return home and to get myself ready for Mary's nearing party.

Rita is the one who shows up late today. I taunt her, "What has been keeping you home all this time, sweetie? Are you having your menses? You seem to be in a creepy mood today."

She reproaches me, "Stop it! It is not funny at all. We will talk more when this lesson is over, okay?"

My tongue sticks out of my mouth in derision.

At expressly 5.02, Rita wheels around in her chair and she eyeballs me without producing any trivial sound. I quit collecting my items together and I inquisitively look at her. Her lips snap independently, then an abrupt click gushes out through her gnashed teeth. I ask, "What are you withholding from me, sweetie?"

"I have an extraordinary dress that I want you to put on tonight."

"We agreed that you will not lend me your clothes, didn't we?"

"It is not linked to my wardrobe. I purchased it at Lincoln Mall this morning with Raymond. He is your sole sponsor, I must notify you."

"How much does he pay you to play his agent? Is it enough to satisfy all your desires?"

"My desires can never be gratified, Alice. Not by you, or Raymond, or a prosperous man, or anyone."

"I regret the day I first stepped into this school. It is overrun by kids from wealthy families and I am nothing but a filthy rug rat."

Rita laughs irrepressibly. "Don't be a silly brat, Alice. We have many poor scholars like you here. You are always complaining about poverty; yet you don't beg for food on the streets out there; neither do you wear stinky rags. Is this what you call poverty? Sitting on a cozy chair at a prestigious university and clearing all your tuition fees before lessons have even begun?"

"Let us switch this topic, sweetheart. It is not doing us any good."

She takes out an ostentatiously wrapped item from her crocodile-skinned hobo bag and then she delivers it to me. "Take this. Raymond wants you to wear it tonight. It has cost him a few bucks and it is not a multi-million dollar dress that celebrities wear. I don't expect you to return it to me, okay?"

I fail to eliminate my doubts while I eye her up. I hope that she genuinely means what she is saying. "Thank you, sweetheart."

The first thing I do when I show up home is to lock myself inside my bedroom and tear apart the ritzy gift's plastic. I inspect the dress that has been tucked inward neatly. My goodness! I cannot believe this. This dress is the loveliest gown that I have ever seen! It is cobalt blue, with a squeezed waist, and a spread out underneath. The collar is pleated orderly and the loosed buttons reach as far as the belly.

I carry the dress to the mirror and I hang it from my neck down. It doesn't look awesome on me like this. Maybe if I wear it, I am going to steal the show like I am a goddess or I am Miss America. First, I must take a bath and curl my hair nicely. Then I will finally put it on!

Suddenly intolerant of further delays, I dash into the bathroom and fill up the tab with hot bubbling water. I will allow myself a special treat tonight. A wicked smile catches me off guard, subduing my lips and inducing me to laugh additionally. I can't wait to see Christopher's face at that nearing party when I will arrive embraced by another man and smiling joyfully. How is he going to feel—jealous or irritated?

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3 Comments
AnonymousAnonymousover 7 years ago

Far too formal. I wanted to like it, but couldn't finish the second page, the dialogue so formal it was stilted, sorry, wish I could have given you more than a 3, but please keep trying.

Try writing the speech as you'd say it yourself in a conversation or even read this out loud to yourself, or get someone else to read it to you if you still can't see how overly formal the speech is.

AnonymousAnonymousover 7 years ago
You have the idea

But, unfortunately, you are writing way to formal. The story comes off as if being read by a totally disinterested third party, rather than the thoughts of the lead character in a romantic tale.

Loosen up, don't try to keep the grammar and construction so ridged. People don't talk that way in person. They talk that way when writing a technical paper and standing in front of a group strangers.

You want to write as though you are speaking to your friend that you have known for a long time, and are really interested in relating the emotions you feel during the tale. Literary license is a writer's freedom to make slight deviations from pure, correct grammar and construction, to convey the feeling of personal intimate thoughts and feelings. It's alright to lose the formality to gain the intimacy of the tale.

It reads like you are going to be graded on the construction and grammar, rather than telling an intimate tale of a girl whose finding that there really may be someone for everyone. Damn the correctness and flowery prose. it takes away from the intimacy of the moment. You are almost there.

Sxualchocol8Sxualchocol8over 7 years ago
I tried...

I really did. I made it to page 2 and then I couldn't continue. The premise is wonderful and different. I like where this might go (or did go until I stopped reading). The issue I have is that the English you are using is much too formal, which makes it difficult to read.

Granted, I am an American, and though I have many friends from the UK and OZ, none of them speak or write as formally as you. It's as if I can hear the cadence of your speech in my mind's ear, and it is very stilted and unnatural. Also, if your story takes place in the US (where my friend's say we "speak that bastard English"), your diction is very out of place.

I apologise for my harsh critique; and I hope that you can possibly find an editor to help you, or perhaps a rewrite that changes the location of your story. As I said, you have an EXCELLENT story idea and I hope you continue writing.

Sxualchocol8

Ps: before any starts bitching about my critique, no, I don't write, not do I say that I'm a Twriter. I am, however, answering the request of the author for criticism. If you don't like what I've said, or the fact I've said it, you can bite me. :p

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