All Comments on 'Last Day of School: Plus One'

The story is not bad, but it is rather disjointed. You're all over the road. Tom and Kate. Tanya. Lisa. This would not necessarily be a bad thing if you were to continue, you know, leaving your reader with something to look forward to. But you said this was the final installment. Final? After only two chapters? No, that's not the way to go. If you're going to do a multi chapter, great. If you're doing a quick stroker, great. But you can not combine them. It just leaves a muddled story and a confused reader. You seem to have talent, so keep trying.

I wrote the original story and decided it would be too long to do all in one, so I split it in two. Last Day of School never mentioned 'pt 01',I simply set out to show how a young man's sexual experience could change over two days. Confusing? Yes, it was intended so. In my youth, wet dreams left me elated but confused. Most dreams carry an element of impossibility. Not only was Tom a daydreamer, he was also an excellent hypnotic subject. I mixed everything up to make people think, something lacking in all to many wank stories.

Is that it? You've got a great imagination and a good story. But even if young dreams are sometimes disjointed, it is not good to intentionally confuse your readers. Alice comes up as a neighbor and he notices her as a woman and then she comes up in his daydreams. He seams on the verge of making a move on her and then.....nothing. He makes the wrong move on Tanya and ...Slap! But no follow up. If Mom has been working him with hypnotherapy, surely she would suppress his desire to go trolling for High School girls and stick to his Mom. She begins his instruction and then...nothing. Lisa gets clothes to spend the night at a girlfriend's house, is picked up by the girl's father in his Mercedes alone and...nothing. You simply cut the story off. No description of the Nude beach. Does he ever hook up with alice? Is Lisa doing her best friend's dad, or are they both doing him? Does Tanya finally decide that she likes it up the ass? What about Miss IronKnickers or whatever. Does he decide to thaw her frozenness? YOu cut this off almost like it isn't the last day of school+one, but the last day of his Life. Is Mom into Watersports? Thats disgusting, but at least it is something to add to the drama. If this is any example of how you trreat your readers, I've gon off of you.

I have no idea what this is. It seems like a fever dream. I couldn't follow it at all, had no idea who it was about or what was happening and got bored.

Somewhere in this story I hope romance, emotional chemistry and love show up.

It's kind of liking in consistency and purpose