All Comments on 'Last Night with You Ch. 01'

But this rates as one of the best second-person stories I have seen on the site.

Well worth five stars.

L

Because this tale surely rates many of them.

With any luck when she landed she was met by a driver, supposedly to take her home to her husband, but instead he handed her papers that said "You have been served." Her husband, who was the jealous type, had her followed this time . Oh well. And with the pre-nup she gets nothing for cheating.

Are you the guy who writes those nauseous verses in greeting cards?

A narrative from the point of view of a cheater...Like a letter for her/his lover to be (and I, in this case, can accept the second person writing)...The problem with this cheater is that even if she didn't consummate the cheating, she will have to live with it in her mind...And that will be her punishment, and her husband will notice her behavior change and her guilty look and with time will understand what must have happened and soon this marriage will be in danger...3*

You really need the help of an editor. This just felt wrong, start to finish. An uncomfortable read. And while they were both married, it didn't feel like a Loving Wife tale one little bit.

1 star.

One anonymous comment accused the author of deleting negative comments because there should be lots of them. Would you care to explain what was so bad about the writing of this story? I'm sure the author would appreciate some thoughtful criticism and why you thought that others would also comment negatively.

And Anonymous 2, in what way could an editor help? You found this story an uncomfortable read. Was that because of the topic? Or was it because the story was poorly written? I thought it was very well written, so I suspect that you just didn't like what the characters were doing. Would you please clarify your comment?

As an author myself, I welcome criticism if it helps me write a better story. But an author decides what his or her characters will be doing, not the commentariat. I assume that MsMadMadWorld would also prefer constructive criticism to quick dismissals based on not liking the characters.

L

Since this is chapter 1, I suspect they will escalate the kissing to actual fucking in chapter 2? Unfortunately this is not about adultery, but about growing to love (You "fall" into hole, a relationship grows into love.) someone you have come to know, befriend, respect, and then realize you love that person. Coming to love another person while still married is not a problem, it is a symptom, and in the end may be the solution to the real problem. The problem of course is a failing marriage, and the lack of effort and desire to fix the marriage. Of course the lack of desire could stem from the thought that you have already found another, a preferable, partner. The sinister unmerciful "greener grass" syndrome. It always appears to be. It almost never is. Intentional or not, you've done an excellent job of portraying a person who thinks she knows, and has come to love, a work colleague. Like two people who have engaged in long distance dating, they focus on the fun and warmth they experience when together, forgetting that they know almost nothing about the other person that really matters, the details you only learn over a long time with constant mundane interaction. How do they handle money, failure, anger, commitment? Every time this couple gets together its like being on vacation, or a honeymoon. Very alluring, and deceptive. Her fantasizing and imagining torrid couplings and earth shaking orgasms would be funny, if she were in high school, and unmarried. You have portrayed the woman in the throws of lust and fantasy. Where does it go from here?

When I was much younger, still single, I had a work colleague, divorced and remarried, tell me once, "You know, you think what you're getting over here is better than what you had over there. But its all the same." While the words were forlorn, you should have seen the look in his eyes. He left me speechless, but also wiser. I've seen the greener grass, and have been tempted. But eerily, like the character in your story, I was saved not so much by virtue, but by lack of opportunity, and maybe just a little virtue. In these senior years I am glad I never had to bear that guilt, or bring that pain to my spouse and children. No, not virtuous, just damn lucky.

Your characters appear to love each other, or at least think they do. If they fuck, or how well they fuck, will be much less interesting than your ability to communicate, from their minds, why they fuck, or why they don't. And what the outcome of either choice has on their families, their careers, and themselves. You have the makings here of an interesting romance, tragic or uplifting. Or you could just take us to the zoo, to watch the animals fuck. I hope you have more respect for your craft, and your readers, than most of the other authors on this site. What's the use of aspiring to be a great chef, if you spend your time cooking dog food? A good soup doesn't take that much more time to prepare than a bucket of slop. It does require quite a bit more talent, and practice.

Thank you for your efforts to this point. I hope I can praise the results.

Nothing interesting or erotic about this story. Don't bother writing another chapter. It's obvious that you don't have what it take to be a writer.

You did a great job of letting us inside your head and building the emotional intensity so that we were there with you, caught up in your obsession.

Don't be discouraged by the negative comments. Many of us are looking forward to your next chapter! Keep writing, please!

The buildup, the feelings, the emotions, the wisps of uncertainty.

Nicely done!

and I usually avoid them. Lots of introspection can also be tedious if not coupled with some coupling. (Or any action) That being said I am looking forward to more of your writing. You are taking on abusive (I won't deign to call them critics) basement dwellers in the toughest, most devisive genre on the site. Write on and look forward to your next post.

...putting most of its emphasis on the delicious feelings leading up to the cheating, then a gentle letdown as he walks away to his flight.

OK.....they cheated. How does any decent human being not have overwhelming guilt about such a betrayal after the fact of it?

I think this was a little too much anticipation and far too much extended afterglow.

The guilt that would come, would more likely already be causing intense suffering within minutes of their orgasms.....IF they were decent human beings, that is.

You're writing suffers very little of a technical concern.....but I just felt it overly "dreamy".

I experience that as a fundamental emotional disconnect between the narrator and the reality of her life......apparently having lost all or nearly all loyalty to her spouse.

Nicely written story.

Cheating whore and asshole don’t belong in LW.