Learning with Lou

Lou passed me a box containing yet another herbal tea. Although deeply suspicious about her alternative treatments, I had to admit that the tea she had made me drink every day throughout my affair along with the rest of the detox diet had helped me to feel young and keep up with my teenage lover's seemingly endless sexual energy.

I looked at the packet.

"What does it do?" I asked.

"It's a mood enhancer, but like the other infusions, it takes a few weeks to feel the benefit. Don't be surprised if you feel a bit yucky to start with. If you wake up feeling a bit sick, just take another one and you'll feel much better."

I promised to give it a try and slipped the pack into my sports bag.

"Linda, you're bound to feel mixed up. You found something new about yourself; something wonderful and exciting but before you could adjust, it was taken away. It's a form of bereavement in a way. You're going to feel bad for a while."

"I suppose you're right," I agreed. "Life just feels a bit empty right now."

"Well, that's what friends are for," Lou said brightly, taking my hand. "What's Colin doing tonight?"

"He's going to one of his Godawful golf club dinners. They last until the small hours. I'm going too."

"Can you get out of it?" she asked eagerly.

"I could pretend to be ill," I said. "Actually I don't feel great today."

"Then do it. You and I are going out on the town. With you in tow, maybe even an old woman like me can pick up a bit of young male flesh. I don't mind being called 'the ugly one' if I finally get myself laid. Hearing about your summer has made me realise what I've been missing!"

The two of us did go to a club that night. We dressed in short skirts, tight tops, high heels and overdone make-up. We met two very nice younger men too, who we danced with and who did try and pick us up. Lou was all for going back with them and having some of the sex we were both missing so badly but my heart wasn't in it.

I let Lou and her young man go off together without me. Apart from pining for Richie, I couldn't cheat on my husband with a stranger; that would have been a step too far. I wasn't 'that kind of girl'.

As my taxi dropped me off at home, deeply unsatisfied, I wondered what kind of girl I really was now!

***

The brutal answer to that question came a few weeks later.

True to Lou's predictions, the depression I was feeling in my mind was making my body bad too. I felt nauseous most mornings and had to turn to her newly-prescribed mood-enhancing infusions on an almost daily basis.

To be fair to Lou, they worked to a large degree and I persevered despite the discomfort, keeping up my trips to the gym and letting Lou take me out to cheer me up. Gradually it worked; three months after Richie's departure, the nausea was reducing, my body no longer craved sex as badly as it had and the future was beginning to look brighter again.

Although we still slept together, Colin and I had still not resumed our sex life but even that no longer seemed the insurmountable hurdle it had once been.

What was beginning to bother me though was the bloated feeling in my tummy that I had become aware of. Lou tried half a dozen of her herbal teas on me but even after a month they hadn't helped and my clothes were beginning to feel uncomfortably tight. In fact the feeling was getting worse and my always-irregular periods seemed to have stopped altogether so with a feeling of increasing dread, I abandoned Lou's alternative voodoo and early one morning went to see a proper doctor.

Half an hour after arriving at the surgery I was sitting on the toilet in the washroom with my knickers around my ankles, my skirt hitched up around my waist and my knees apart.

"Oh my God NOOOO!"

The long, slender white plastic device in my hand bore in unmistakeable terms the one word I had dreaded.

'PREGNANT'

"About four or five months I would say," the pretty young female doctor was saying as I sat opposite her in the consulting room five minutes later feeling truly sick. "But we'll do the calculations now. Congratulations Mrs. Ashcroft. When was your last period?"

Her words simply washed over me. Four or five months pregnant? How could that possibly be? My periods had always been very light and unreliable but to miss them for so long without noticing?

I walked back to my car like a zombie, too stunned even to watch the traffic. It wasn't until an angry driver sounded her horn that I returned to anything like reality and when I sat down in the driver's seat I was unable to do anything but cry.

Oh God! What was I going to do? I couldn't go to Colin; I couldn't go to Richie who was too far away and too young to help. I couldn't even tell my mother; as a staunch Catholic she already thought I was a fallen woman simply because I was on the pill. How she would react when she learned I was going to have another man's child could only be guessed at."

Lou! Of course; she was my best friend. I could tell her anything. Lou would understand. Lou would help me decide what on earth to do."

I sent her an urgent text message and was relieved to receive an almost immediate reply. She could meet me in our usual coffee shop in an hour's time.

Thank God for friendship!

***

For the next hour I paced up and down the high street, paranoia turning every casual glance from a stranger into an accusing stare at my growing belly and a disapproving frown when they realised what I had done. Every time I saw my reflection in a shop window, all I could see was the huge bump in front of me that telegraphed my infidelity to the world.

It was all nonsense; all in my head I knew but the sheer terror of my situation denied me logical thought.

Lou was already ensconced in a quiet corner table when I finally entered the coffee shop, bought the biggest black Americano I could find and settled into the seat opposite her.

"Linda you look terrible," she said anxiously. "What is it; what's wrong?"

I could barely look my friend in the face as I whispered my awful news. Lou listened carefully with a strange look on her face that I hadn't been expecting. Ignoring it, I carried on stupidly.

"I'm just so pleased I've got you to talk to," I said breathlessly when I had finished my tale. "If I didn't have a friend who understood I don't know what I would do."

"How far gone are you?" she asked rather unemotionally.

I told her.

"And there's no chance of a termination?" she asked, again surprisingly coldly.

"It's too late; far too late," I replied, beginning to feel a little uneasy.

Lou leaned back in her seat with an odd, self-satisfied expression on her face. I didn't like the look she was giving me at all. I had needed and expected sympathy, friendship, help and reassurance. What I was seeing was contempt, triumph, something close to gloating.

"So it's finally happened," she said eventually. "Congratulations Linda."

"What?"

"You'll make a good mother, I'm sure. A single mother but a good one."

"Don't say that, Lou."

"Why not? It's true. There's no way you're going to stay married now, is there? No real man is going to bring up another man's child -- especially not if he finds out he's been cuckolded by his own son."

I could only stare into the cold, hard eyes of the woman I had thought my friend as she continued.

"It might be better not to tell Colin that bit. Just say you've been having an affair behind his back. It will be hard enough for him to learn he married a whore; I can't imagine how he would react if he realised that whore had seduced his innocent, teenage son."

This was appalling! What was happening?

"It wasn't like that," I wailed. "You know it wasn't like that!"

"Do I? Think about it, Linda; how does it sound to you? A mature married woman had an affair with a boy ten years younger than her at a time when he was vulnerable and still at school. The affair went too far and she ended up pregnant. Okay he was eighteen and overage but she was older and much more experienced.

"That sounds much more likely than your version, doesn't it? Which one do you think everyone will believe?"

Oh my God! She was right! Whatever the truth of the situation, the world would see it exactly as Lou had just said. Certainly my husband would see it that way. In Colin's eyes, his slut of a wife would have just destroyed the most valuable thing he had; his revived relationship with his only son.

It would be unforgiveable; unthinkable!

I stared into the distance past the woman I had thought was my friend. For the first time I noticed the rather stuffed suitcase tucked behind the partition next to her.

"Are you going away?" I asked dumbly.

"Oh didn't I tell you," Lou said smugly. "I'm going to live in Spain for a while," she told me proudly. "I've done what I needed to do here. The sun is calling me and I'm answering that call."

"You're emigrating?" I stammered. "Going forever?"

"Not forever," she told me in that cold, unfriendly voice. "I'll be needed back here soon but I do have a very nice villa on the south coast and a good many friends there. It'll be great!"

I was stunned; Lou had never mentioned this before or the fact that she wanted to leave the city, let alone the country. And wasn't that a strange new twang in her voice; the faint trace of an accent I hadn't noticed before?

"And you're leaving today?"

"Yes," she looked at her watch. "Actually I'm leaving in about ten minutes."

"But what about..."

"What about you? You'll miss me? I think you'll be too busy to worry about me, what with the baby and the divorce and all that."

A cold shiver ran through my whole body. How could my best friend be so cold about my problem? Lou could clearly see the puzzlement on my face; when she spoke she sounded exasperated.

"Honestly Linda," she said. "You really aren't very bright are you?"

The accent was getting stronger now; that trill in the way she pronounced 'aren't' was unmistakeably Scottish as she fumbled in her handbag.

"I've known about your pregnancy for a long time; longer than you have in fact. I've followed your affair step by sordid step from the first 'accidental' touch to the moment of conception. My son has been keeping me in the picture every sordid step of the way."

"Your son?" I mumbled. I didn't even know she had a son. Had Richie been talking to a friend about us? My tummy felt empty and sick.

"My son, yes." She laughed hollowly. "I even know your favourite sex position, Linda. You're a very adventurous girl on the quiet. Ah! Here it is!"

Lou pulled a lipstick out of her bag; with it came a small pile of papers and her passport. Lou flicked the passport casually across the table towards me as if inviting me to look. I slowly took into in my hand and thumbed through to the details page.

I frowned; the name 'Lucinda Mary MacDonald Ashcroft' appeared on the photograph page alongside a bad but easily identifiable picture of my friend.

I stared at the small red book puzzled.

"Lucinda? I thought your name was Louise?" I said slowly, my mind trying to come to terms with what was happening.

"Now why would you think that?" she asked in a hard tone of voice I hadn't heard before.

"You've always called yourself Lou," I replied. "At least to me."

She smiled disarmingly.

"Lou MacDonald is the name I took after the divorce when I moved away. I needed a fresh start."

"You changed your name?"

"I went back to my maiden name. I just started using a different version of my first name instead. Lots of divorcees do."

"So what were you known as before?" I asked slowly, a feeling of dread coming over me.

"Can't you guess," she asked. "Think about it. Lu-Cinda?"

The Scottish accent was broad now, unconcealed. A cold, icy chill passed through me despite the warmth in the room.

"Oh my God! You're Cindy?" I gasped.

My erstwhile friend just smiled. It was an unpleasant, triumphant, conceited smile.

"Yes, I'm Cindy. I'm Richie's mother and Colin's ex-wife. Welcome to the ex-wife club, Linda. Because when Colin finds out you're pregnant, you'll sure as hell become one too."

"But how...?"

"How did it happen? Really Linda! I knew you were incredibly naive but honestly! You know how babies are made. You know better than anyone how easy it was for Richie to get into your knickers - and how often you wanted him there."

The horrible expression on her face was hard to look at.

"But I think you meant how did you get pregnant?" she sneered. "When you thought you were on the pill?"

All I could do was nod.

"Well you know that wonderful detox we've been doing? Those special teas we've been drinking every day; the ones that make you feel so good?"

"Y... yes?" I stammered.

"You really shouldn't be so trusting Linda. Have a look on the internet; Google the brand name. You'll find pages of blogs and letters from women who found out it stopped their pills working. It's something to do with the laxative effect I believe."

I stared at her in disbelief.

"Some women read about it -- the bright women I mean. Others, the stupid, gullible ones like you, find out the hard way."

"You mean..." this truth was horrifying.

"That's right. As soon as I knew that you and Richie were about to start fucking, I got you onto those teas. Within a week or so I knew your pills would probably be ineffective. After that, with all the unprotected sex you were having, it was only a matter of time before he knocked you up."

She leaned back in her chair.

"When you started 'feeling bad' I knew straight away it was morning sickness though you were too fuddled by sex to realise it. That's why I gave you those mood enhancing teas so you wouldn't guess until it was too late to do anything but have the baby."

I was aghast; had I really been so stupid? But Lou still hadn't finished.

"And here we are! Job done! You've been unfaithful more times than any man could forgive; you're up the duff, it can't possibly be Colin's and it's far too late to get rid of it. My guess is you'll be out on your ear before the weekend with a solicitor's letter filing for divorce in your hand by Monday lunchtime."

"How could you do this," I asked, tears running down my cheeks. "I thought we were friends!"

Lou was pulling on her coat but she froze and glared at me.

"Friends?" she leaned closer towards me and looked me straight in the eye.

"I've hated you from the moment I knew you existed. The idea that a silly, naive little girl like you could take my place in my husband's bed and in my husband's life was intolerable! And when we actually met I couldn't believe Colin could possibly prefer a weak, simpering child like you when he could have had me back anytime."

"Lou..." I protested, unable to believe my ears.

"I know your type, Linda; sweet, innocent and virginal but weak. As soon as I met you I knew my son would easily be able to seduce you. And I was right; you were a pushover. No real woman would have let a mere boy take her so easily and so often. My husband deserves better than a slut like you for a wife."

"I'm not a slut," I protested.

"I think the baby in your belly proves otherwise," she said smugly.

"But you told me it was only natural and..." I began.

"And you believed me? You're a stupid little girl, Linda. How could it possibly be okay to fuck your own stepson even once, let alone the scores of times you two must have done it?"

I must have looked puzzled because she sneered at me.

"Do the maths, Linda. Every day for nearly six months? Even you can't claim it was just a fling!"

"You mean you didn't do it with your stepson? It was all lies?" I asked, again stupidly.

"Of course it was all lies! I don't have a stepson, stupid! Richie is Colin and my real son. Thanks to the court, I'm not allowed near the house but Richie can go where he pleases. I used him to get at you! Christ you're dim!"

I was beginning to agree with her.

"You were so easy to fool; easy to seduce too, remember that! Like it or not, the truth is you dropped your knickers without much of a fight, didn't you?"

"Shut up!" Shut up!"

There was too much truth in her words for me to even try and argue. I tried to close my ears but her voice kept ringing on and on in my head.

"Richie has always had a way with the girls; actually you're the second married woman he's knocked up. That's one reason why we left Scotland; husbands up there are no more forgiving than Colin will be when he finds out what you've been up to."

"But you encouraged me; you helped Richie seduce me; it's not my fault," I pleased hopelessly, knowing it wasn't true.

Lou just laughed mercilessly.

"Not your fault? You were gagging for it, Linda. And once you'd started fucking Richie, you found you couldn't stop, didn't you? Face facts; you spread your legs each and every time he wanted and then begged for more! You're a slut, Linda! An unfaithful, pregnant slut. Don't you think my Colin deserves better than you?"

"I'll tell him everything!" I wailed.

"Go ahead and tell him," she hissed. "It won't do you any good. Even if he believes you -- which I doubt - Colin will never forgive you," she went on. "I know that better than anyone. Your days in his house are numbered."

"He'll never take you back," I cried angrily through my tears as my voice finally returned.

"We'll see about that," she said viciously. "Once Richie's on the inside and you're out of the picture Colin will be persuaded to see sense and ask me back. Better the Devil he knows; after all, nothing I did is as bad as the way you've betrayed him."

"Why Lou? How could you do this to me?" I asked one last time as she picked up her suitcase and began to leave.

She stopped, turned and looked me directly in the eye, her face burning with rage.

"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned."

I looked up at her baffled, my hands on my lower belly.

"Look it up, Linda. Google it if you're too stupid or lazy to read but remember this. Colin is mine; he's the father of my child; he belongs to me and I belong to him. Sooner or later we will be a couple again but until he realises that, I'm going to make damn sure that if I can't have him, no other woman is going to have him either!"

She turned and swept out of the room leaving me more alone than I had ever been in my life.

***

A year later I was pushing my daughter Emily down the high street in her buggy when a large, familiar car cruised past me. In the front seats were two equally familiar men; my ex-husband Colin and his son Richard, the father of my child.

They didn't seem to notice me. The pain of seeing them together was growing weaker and weaker each time it happened reassuring me I had done the right thing. I had lied, but not to protect myself.

As far as my ex-husband knew, I had had a one night stand with a stranger I met in the Wine Bar and had become pregnant as a result of that affair. The pain on his face when he learned this from my own lips was so hard to bear that I knew I had been right to suppress the truth.

To my surprise, Lou -- Cindy I should say -- had underestimated her ex-husband's strength of character. Colin had tried to be understanding with me, to forgive me and to make our relationship work but it was impossible. Knowing I had been so badly and so permanently soiled by the touch of another man made it difficult for my husband even to touch me. We made love only once more during the whole time I stayed in the house.

As the baby grew and my belly swelled, my infidelity became impossible to ignore, my husband touched me less and less until it was obvious to us both that our marriage was over.

The divorce that followed was painful but was proceeding largely uncontested. Colin said he still loved me but he couldn't ever trust a woman again. I certainly still loved him but there was no prospect of us having a future together and yes, he had even started to think his first wife wasn't so bad after all.