Legal Misunderstanding

"Then, after we were married for 3 years, things turned really ugly. You were beginning to humiliate and insult me openly. But I knew what I wanted - I didn't need your love. I just needed to stay married, to avoid you filing for divorce. This was no marriage any more, this was just hard work. I got big money, but I've earned every penny, I think."

"Wow, Tom. So when are these 5 years over?"

"That would be our fifth anniversary, my dear wife. Certainly a day that is marked in big letters in your calendar, isn't it?"

"That would be the - oh my God. That was the day before yesterday. I forgot our fifth anniversary. Oh, damn, what a bad wife I've become. Can you forgive me?" She sensed things had changed, and not in her favor.

"You were too busy fucking your lover to remember our anniversary." She gasped, but couldn't deny it. "It doesn't matter. This marriage is just a sham and has been for a long time. I've used you and you've used me. Nothing to forgive. No hard feelings."

"Tom, is there anything we can save out of this?"

"No."

She looked a little sad now, which surprised me.

"Isn't it weird? I've come home, willing to change our marriage for the better. Only to find that I've long since destroyed it."

"Yes."

She suddenly looked happier again.

"But at least I get 5 million. That's a decent sum, I'd say."

"Why do you think you'll get 5 million?"

"Well, if you divorce me, I'll get half of your money."

"Anna, legally I own more than 100 million."

"Oh, wow." She actually squealed a little. It would have been cute under different circumstances.

"But you will get none of it."

"Well, buster, my attorneys will see to that." Her tone was hard again. Amazing how quickly this woman could change her mood.

"You see, my dear, under German law the marital assets aren't divided in case of divorce, only the additional value that has accrued during the marriage. I already owned everything before we were married and my net worth has even dropped a little. So you get none of my assets."

"What? Tom... you're serious? I didn't know... Tom, what can I say..."

"I never could tell you that you'd get nothing in case of a divorce. I couldn't risk changing anything, I just didn't know how you'd react if I told you the facts of life. Keeping the situation stable and staying married was my only goal. So I had to endure it and avoid any change."

"So if you divorce me, I get..."

"Nothing. You won't even get alimony. I can prove your cheating as I've had you followed for quite a while to be prepared for this. But the pregnancy makes things even easier. No chance in hell you're going to get alimony with the way you behaved."

"But our child will have needs. Can you really abandon our baby like this?"

"Well, my dearest wife. We both know that this is not my child. Of course, you can sue for child support and you will probably get it. The biological father is the one you have to sue, not me."

"Tom, that was some refugee. I don't even know which one, nor do I have any of their names."

"That sounds like a tricky situation, my dearest wife."

"Tom, have mercy on me." She looked definitely desperate now, but for some reason I couldn't find any satisfaction in it. I just didn't care one way or other anymore, she was part of my past. Maybe one day I'd even laugh about this whole marriage, but this was not the day. "Please don't just kick me out with nothing. I know that I was not the ideal wife for you recently. I mean going without sex for 2 years..."

"Without sex? You're sure? You know, my sweetheart, while you had your trysts, I was busy too. I've met a nice lady named Lily. Like me, she's interested in arts and music. She's not the voluptuous woman you're turned into, she's a graceful and willowy beauty. We have enjoyed countless evenings dancing, at the theater, at the opera, at high class restaurants or at classical concerts."

"So you've also cheated," she said triumphantly, as if this would have changed anything.

"I didn't say that. It is expected to omit things like that in the opera." I smiled knowingly to let her know that I had a good time with Lily. With the gentle and caring woman that had been my anchor for the last 2 years. That had waited patiently for me. That had built up my confidence again and again. The woman that is the true love of my life. The woman I had made tender love to time and again. A woman that is educated and can hold a meaningful conversation, in contrast to the brash and simple Anna.

"You know; Lily is actually the one that has convinced me not to kick you out with nothing. You can pack as many of your clothes as you want into the fancy BMW SUV I've given you 2 years ago. Whatever you leave behind, I will burn ritually, I don't ever want to touch anything of yours again. For the same reason you can also keep the car and sell it when you need the cash. I wouldn't want to touch it. I'm even going to sell this house. It reeks of your presence."

"You hate me that much?" I had no idea if hate was the right term for the way I felt, but I also had no intention to think about that. It didn't matter anymore and every thought spent on her seemed wasted. She looked pensively, with tears in her eyes. We were both silent for a long time. This was the end. We had come to a parting of the ways. Finally.

"I've been a fool, right?"

"Yes," I said gently.

"I had a handsome, caring and rich man and I started to play my power games, feeling invincible because of a legal misunderstanding. And now I've lost everything."

"Yes. You had your fun and you've paid for it by losing a good life. I went through hell and will be rewarded by a good life."

"I see. How soon do I have to go?"

"The divorce is already on the way, please pack your stuff and be gone within one hour. Here's 2.000 in cash to keep you afloat until you've sold the car. You can thank Lily for that, but that's all I'm willing to do for you."

"Thanks for that, I guess. I'll be out of your hair soon. Tom?"

"Yes?"

"You know what's weird? Somehow I've always loved you."

"You're right."

"What?"

"That's weird."

Okay, Albert. I've survived your ordeal. 1826-1828=-2. 1828 days survived with the wife from hell. Minus 2 to go. Your last joke has unintentionally turned out to be your cruelest.