Let's Make a Deal Pt. 13

Scott headed for Lynda, seeing two different guys ask her to dance the next one before he got there. While people sorted out new partners and got into sets, he told her, "Hereabouts, normally you don't commit yourself ahead, but it's OK once in a while to agree to dance the very next dance if someone asks you when you've already agreed to dance with someone else. And in this case, the guys who asked you know me and know I'll be heading over to play. But in general, the convention is that you don't turn anyone down unless you've just agreed to dance with someone else, or you really are going to sit it out. It's just rude. And you can be the one asking, but I'd hold off on that until you're a little more experienced."

At the end of that dance, Scott headed back to the band. He played until the last dance before the break, which he danced with Martha. He warned her that he'd be running off as soon as the dance was over. And in fact they were out on the end the last time through, so he didn't stay through that. He was ready when the band started playing a waltz, as about half the dancers went off to the break and the rest stayed to waltz.

During the break, he introduced Martha and Lynda to a lot of people. Of course, they'd already danced with most of them, a few as partners, the rest as they progressed through the sets in the dances. They'd had a little time to talk with those they'd had as partners, at least enough to exchange names and tell them that they worked for Scott and were friends of his as well. Scott rather thought that some of the men who came over to be introduced were checking out whether he had some claim on them, particularly on Lynda. He felt sure that if they came back, or even that same evening, there'd be a few requests for dates or at least phone numbers.

He asked them whether they were feeling confident enough by now that it would be OK if he danced with someone else as partner. They laughed and told him that they hadn't been exactly hard up while he was playing, that other guys could be just as helpful in making sure they understood everything. He thought maybe they were curious as to whom he would dance with. He took them over to meet the woman he'd been thinking of and introduced them. He'd danced with Mary on many occasions. She was an experienced dancer, a lot of fun to dance with, and he liked her a lot. They'd never done anything together outside of dance events, but if he'd ever been looking to date someone she was one he'd have thought of. He asked Mary to hold the second dance after the break for him. As he'd told them, people didn't normally ask ahead, but he often did when he wouldn't be on the floor when one dance ended and people started pairing up for the next. He left the three women talking while he stopped by the bathroom and headed back to where the band was already assembled.

They played a polka to encourage dancers to return from the break. Those who particularly enjoyed dancing polkas began arriving and dancing pretty quickly. He noticed that Martha and Lynda were among these, whether because they really wanted to polka or because guys were quick to ask them. The band went through it an extra time or two longer than they might have, allowing for people who trickled in and started dancing. When they stopped, most of those who wanted to dance only contras showed up too, Mitch called, "Find a partner," and those who hadn't already done so paired up. Some folks headed for the door, and some had left at the beginning of the break, so the floor was less full, but there were still a lot dancing, always a good sign from the band's point of view.

At this point, Mitch would tend to assume that mostly those left were more experienced. And indeed, the walk-throughs were a lot briefer, but Scott saw that he went out of his way to assure that Martha and Lynda at least understood the dances. The band picked up the pace just a little, as well.

The tunes they played for the first dance were some of Scott's longtime favorites. That wasn't why he'd chosen to play instead of dance on that one—he normally made sure to play on the first dance after the break, just to support the band—but he would have found the music really distracting had he been dancing instead.

For the second dance, he went down to dance with Mary. He positioned them two couples above where Martha and her partner were, so that he could watch her. He and Mary would be interacting with Martha and her partner only once, after they had reached the bottom of the set and started back up. They had occasional moments to chat a little, and Mary said that she'd enjoyed talking with Martha and Lynda, and that for beginners they were dancing very well.

After that dance, he went back and played with the band for the rest of the dances. At the end, they played one last waltz, again a favorite. Packing up his mandolin only took a moment, but he helped a bit with putting away the sound equipment. He saw that both of the women were apparently deep in conversations, so he didn't feel he needed to rush off, but on the other hand morning was going to come all too soon, so he soon left others to finish and collected them and left.

They were bubbling over with how much fun they'd had. Scott understood this very well. Whether playing or dancing, he always left a dance full of energy, however tired he actually was. Martha said, "It was even beautiful just to watch, when I was standing out at the ends, just seeing the patterns unfold." They both hadn't danced contras before, except maybe the Virginia Reel in school, as part of a very brief unit on square dancing. Scott told them they probably would enjoy old-time squares as well. Lynda added, "Mary really likes you. She said you're always such a gentleman. Of course, we knew that already, and we told her so—but not how we knew."

He saw them to their door, giving each a quick kiss and exchanging with each a quiet "I love you," then headed home to get what sleep he could.

67. What to Do on Thursday

After dinner a few days later, as they were just sitting talking, Lynda said abruptly, "Scott, I'm with Martha at this point. You've convinced me. I hope you'll keep studying with us. It helps me understand. But is there something we need to do? Where do we go from here?"

She stood up and came around the table, and hugged him tightly. She was crying a little, but not even as much as Martha had under like circumstances. Then again, Scott reflected, Martha had been facing serious consequences, real or possible, and afraid of the results. And they had been very painful, in the short run. But now, those had already happened. He thought these tears were really Lynda's response to almost anything that moved her, good or bad.

"That depends on just what you mean. Keep reading, and you'll see lots of things. I can suggest some, but honestly it will be better if I don't get in the way. But, well, I'd guess you're probably thinking of making some kind of public profession of faith. And, yes, in various ways you need to do that. A good first step would be to talk to Pastor Bob, I think. I don't know whether it should be the two of you together, or each separately, and whether it would be good for me to be there or not. I know he'd love to talk to you about it. Or isn't that the kind of thing you meant?"

They said that it was, at least part of what Lynda had meant and of what Martha had been thinking how to say. Scott offered to call Pastor Bob and set up a time.

Lynda said, "I need to tell you something, first. You've been patient with my questions. Especially, what you said about wanting a different kind of knowledge than we ask about anything else, that really helped. But what it came down to was something you said way back in the beginning, you and Martha both in different ways. You remember your example that got me so mad? I'd promised you whatever you wanted, but you could see my attitude, that I would be making you justify anything you asked me to do, at least if it might be unpleasant for me. Anything new and unexpected, anyway. And you were right.

"But I realized, really what was stopping me from believing had gotten to be the same thing. I didn't want to give up being in control of myself, of my own life, and say to God, 'Whatever you say, I have to do it,' and honestly mean that. It's a lot more open-ended than just sex, and you had already put all kinds of limits on what you would ask, so this has been harder. But when I realized that was really the problem now, well, I knew I really did believe, I just didn't want to admit it. You probably saw this too, but you've been so patient with me."

They discussed this for a few minutes more, all three of them. Lynda did say that she didn't like not knowing where this would lead, but that her tears were happiness, not worry.

Eventually, he did call Pastor Bob. Pastor Bob knew who Martha and Lynda were, of course. They had spoken to him several times after church, on their way out, so he knew they were Scott's friends and employees, but really not much more. There were always other people waiting to talk to him, and they themselves didn't linger.

When Scott told him why he was calling, Pastor Bob suggested that they meet the next evening in his office, after the two got off work. Scott offered to go with them, thinking that his presence probably wouldn't be needed but that they might feel that they needed moral support.

Scott still wasn't quite used to being under a pastor who was almost fifteen years younger than he was, but he'd been hearing his sermons, and talking with him on occasion, for almost ten years. It had seemed a lot stranger to him when Pastor Bob had been in his early twenties, even though Scott was younger then as well. He liked and trusted him, respecting his spiritual insight. He thought this would be a very good time for them and would build them up. He was a little afraid that some things might be painful, particularly for Lynda, but he wasn't afraid of the results if that happened.

A bit later, he thought of something. He told Lynda, "About what you said earlier. When I was, oh, maybe sixth grade on into high school, I think, I read a lot of things, books and magazine columns and whatnot, that were trying to help people—older kids, mostly—who felt a little like you were saying you did, I think. Somehow, the standard problem these people had was that they were afraid to believe because they were sure that if they did, the Lord would call them to be missionaries somewhere. It was usually Africa, and their picture of Africa was at least a hundred years out of date, I now realize. Grass huts in the jungle. I'm sure there are places even now as primitive as they imagined, which was what they felt they just could never put up with, but even then I think they weren't where missionaries were most likely to wind up. Anyway, the people addressing them mostly tried to assure them that this was very unlikely.

"Only some years later did I think about it enough that I decided that this wasn't a good answer, by itself anyway. Because some of them probably would wind up going somewhere that, beforehand, would seem terrifying. Mind you, mentioning the unlikelihood of their being called to such a particular place if they felt that way, that was fine. But something else needed to be said. If they were called somewhere, the Lord would provide the strength to see them through it. He would provide whatever preparation they needed. It might or might not be what they wanted, ahead of time, but they would be able if they trusted him instead of worrying about doing it themselves.

"I'm sure you will have some very hard and painful things to face. Martha started out with one, remember! But, in the end, to the extent that you really are being obedient, with difficulty and pain you will find joy, too. And in many cases, the difficulties and pains won't be the ones you were dreading. I assure you of that out of my own experience.

"And I don't mean to scare you, but remember that there are people in many other countries for whom becoming a Christian means at least being kicked out of their families, maybe going to prison, maybe even being killed. Some places, a standard question at baptism is, 'Are you prepared to die for Jesus?' Not that all face death, but enough do that the question is appropriate."

The next evening, after work, they all drove to the church building. The women went into the pastor's office. Scott stuck his head in to say hello and say he was there if needed, but waited outside. After most of an hour, all three emerged, all smiling. After hugs all round, Scott drove off in his car, and Martha and Lynda in Martha's. Scott ran a couple of errands, then went to the house.

At dinner they discussed the meeting. Martha said, "I'd been a little afraid of what he might ask us. There are things I'm not ready to tell him, or anyone—well, mostly about us, even though the part I wouldn't want to discuss is over—but I'd decided I wouldn't lie to him at all. But what he was asking about was how we were brought up, in terms of church or religion, and what we believed now, and how we got there. Obviously, we talked an awful lot about you."

Lynda added, "I don't think he knows that we're both in love with you, but we couldn't tell him without saying how we admire you, and how your example was what made us ask questions and listen to what you had to say."

Martha put in, "You know, he really admires you, too, that was clear. But he did say at one point that you're not a very typical member of the church. What did he mean by that, Scott?"

"I can only guess, though some of it I'm pretty sure of. I already told you some about it. I'll say more later, if you like. But tell me more about your discussion first."

"Well, as I said, he asked about our backgrounds, our spiritual backgrounds I mean. I hadn't ever thought about it, but that's something you never asked about. And we hadn't known these things about each other. My family went to church when I was little, but not really after the time I was somewhere in grade school. I'm embarrassed to say that I don't even remember what church it was, except that it was somewhere in town or near town, of course, and I have no idea why we stopped. I may have known something back then. And my parents never talked in my hearing about God or anything spiritual that I can remember.

"For what it's worth, that's my mother's Bible that I have, as you probably knew since it has her name in it. But there weren't any other markings at all anywhere in it. I better let Lynda tell her part, I know what she said but might get it wrong in putting it in my own words."

Lynda said, "We went to church, all the way until I left home, pretty much every Sunday. I'm not going to say what church, because I don't think I can be fair in what I say about it. The thing is, as far as I can see looking back, they really didn't believe much of anything. Yes, they read from the Bible, but the minister's sermons really didn't make it seem like he thought the Bible made any difference. What I'd have to say they really taught was not much more than 'Be good.' Or maybe just 'Be nice.' We were supposed to be like Jesus, OK, but that mostly came down to being nice to people.

"And I don't think anything spiritual or religious ever got discussed in my home. After what happened in the end, I would have to say that my parents' religion was mostly other people's opinions of them. I'm sure that's not fair to them, either, but . . . that's what it felt like after what happened with Ron."

She was crying a little by this time. Scott went and gave her a hug, then just held her. He asked Martha, "Did she get into that with Pastor Bob?"

"Yes, she said just about that, except of course that she had to say what Ron had done. But she's crying more now than she did then, actually. I think she was kind of keeping it at arm's length earlier."

Scott said, "Lynda, honey, feel free to cry. You were hurt, badly, and there's nothing wrong with saying or showing that it still hurts. But—I know this is going to hurt right now, too, but I don't know how to avoid it, and I've got to say it anyway. At some point you're going to have to forgive your parents, and even Ron. It will be terribly hard and painful. If it's not hard, if it's not painful—in view of what happened—that probably will mean you really haven't forgiven them." He stood and held her tighter as she sobbed harder.

Finally, she wiped her eyes and blew her nose and said, "You're thinking of that parable about the two servants, aren't you?"

"Actually, yes, but a lot of other things too. Even the Lord's prayer passage. But yes, I bleed every time I read that parable. I often start crying, myself. I have so much trouble forgiving people. My natural reaction is to hold on tight to those hurts and refuse to forgive. I really try, though. When anger and bitterness pop up again, all I can do is to remind myself, over and over, of how much the Lord has forgiven me for, and that my own cold and unforgiving heart is a sign of how little I trust his forgiveness to me or how lightly I take my own sins. Remind myself, and pray of course. And I don't know that I have ever been wronged as much as you have, for me it's really little things in comparison to that. So I have just a little idea of how hard it will be for you." And indeed he was choking up some, just thinking about it.

She sniffled a little more. "Scott, thank you. I already sort of knew I need to do that. It will take a while. But keep after me on it. Really. And thank you for caring enough to tell me."

When he thought she was OK, Scott went back over and sat down again. "Anything else?"

"We talked about baptism. I told him I'm ready. Lynda's not, not yet. I said I thought it was important for us to be baptized together, if she can be ready in the next few months or so. He was OK with that." She paused. "In explaining that, I felt I had to tell him we had been lovers. I told him that you were responsible for our changing, but I kind of let him think I meant was our Bible study with you." She laughed. "I did also tell him that for both of us, I think we really weren't lesbians at heart, but had just kind of fallen into it due to circumstances, and that deep down we were both more naturally attracted to men. I hope he doesn't make some connections. But I do really understand why it's wrong, and I think Lynda does, too, because of our study with you."

Scott said, "I think there's a very good chance that we'll have to tell him the rest, not details, but about our relationship, eventually, probably sooner than later. I won't do it lightly, and I hope you two won't either, but I think we'll find we need to at some point."

"We'll take that when it comes up, I guess. That really is pretty much what we talked about. I think he was a little concerned about what you talked about, that we made a commitment to please you, not because we really understood and believed. When I said you'd warned us about that very thing, and told him how hard you'd worked to go through the scriptures putting everything in context, he was pleased." She suddenly smiled, the beaming smile that lit up her whole face. "I sure didn't tell him about the analogy you gave us, though.

68. Go where he will, the wise man is at home,

"So, I have questions, too. First, what did he mean about you not being typical?"

"I really wish you'd asked him, because there probably are things I'm totally unaware of. I'd like to know what he meant, too. What I would be thinking of if I said something like that, and I have, would be this.

"A lot of people in our church grew up in a church not very different from it. Or if not that, they really first heard the gospel in a church like this, the way it's presented here, and that's the kind of church they know. They're well set in a specific tradition of faith. In many ways that's good, don't get me wrong at all. It has dangers, mostly that they may think they believe when they just know the right answers when asked, and that they're comfortable because it's familiar, not because they've really thought about it. But it also tends to make them assume that the way this church does things and the way people talk here are really what faith is all about, so they're quick to accept that people who act and talk the way they do are really believers but to be kind of suspicious of people from other traditions.