Let's Make a Deal Pt. 13

"Now, I wasn't brought up in a church like this at all. I grew up in a Christian home, though not a really strong one, but with some strong influences from some of my relatives. But the church I grew up in, the kind of church my mom preferred, is a kind I'd now avoid at all costs. Not that there were no believers there—there were!—but because, well, they didn't treat scripture as God's word, something to be believed and obeyed. Ultimately, they viewed it as a human product, not really binding in any way. Talking about it as a whole, not necessarily about every person.

"A lot of what Lynda said about the church she grew up in applies to that one, though I think mine may have been stronger. But we both really have child's-eye views of those churches, and I know that there's more than a child sees. What I said a minute ago is what I saw, but I think if I said that to a lot of those people they would be very offended, and I'd probably be wrong about many of them.

"So, anyway, I came into Bible-believing churches, and I don't mean only ones in this particular tradition, as an adult, and—well, a little like an immigrant who's happily become a citizen but who doesn't automatically have the background and habits everyone around him takes for granted. And he may like different foods, and miss hearing his native language, things like that. He may even be aware of things done differently in his native country, ways of caring for people, say, where he thinks those ways are better than what he finds here. And he may be right about some of them.

"I often envy people who are firmly rooted in a particular tradition, if it's a good one of course. I never feel completely at home, whatever church I'm in. But then again, I'm usually not so much not at home as they would be in some other kind of church—again, assuming it's a good one."

"That really kind of gets at my other question, which was something like this: You told us a lot about yourself, in terms of sex and marriage, but I'm surprised you didn't say anything about your spiritual background."

"I'd say I've told you about half of it just now. I came to faith at a very early age. In our church, now, there's such a stress on taking a specific step to become a believer that you're expected to be able to pinpoint exactly when it happened, but I can't do that. I can look back through my life and see lots of big decisions, but none of them looks to me like first coming to believe. But at any rate, coming into adulthood, I came to see that my faith was weak, and my knowledge of scripture also—and that had passed as unusually large among my peers, growing up in the church I grew up in.

"I found myself in a very different church, different also from the one I'm in now, by the way. I went through a couple of years of a cycle where I'd realize, for the first time, what scripture demanded of me on some point—either to believe or to do—and say, oh, it can't possibly mean that. I'd think about it, and it was obvious it meant exactly that. So I'd try it, however hesitantly, and for the most part I'd find that it was perfectly practical, as much as things ever get practical in our world. There are a lot of milestones that I can remember.

"I'll give you just one example. A friend—a woman—and I were sitting around bemoaning an area of sin we just couldn't seem to deal with at all, never you mind what. I felt hopeless about it. And another friend who was there got really upset. 'Wait a minute!' he said. 'We're talking about the power of God here!' And I suddenly realized that I'd never thought of it that way, and no one over my years of growing up had ever suggested, in my hearing, that we might have resources beyond our own willpower, for dealing with temptation. This is really basic, but it was a huge eye-opener for me.

"Of course, that doesn't mean sanctification comes easy. But in this case, just having Steve say that was enough to make me change the whole way I looked at things. After all, even then I knew the Bible well enough that I knew that was what it said, lots of places. I just hadn't put two and two together before. And of course I still sometimes fall into temptation—you two know that very well indeed, better than anybody—but a number of areas that I'd been having trouble with became much easier very quickly.

"About then, I was reading a lot of historical Christian writings, some of which I now wouldn't recommend to anyone but a historian. Puritans, anabaptists, Quakers, lots from the Wesleyan revival, holiness movement, pentecostalism, and more. Even some of the things I'd discourage you from reading, I gained from reading them. That may also contribute to my not being very typical of this particular church, by the way. Though I'm sometimes surprised at what I find in the church library.

"I hope that's enough. I could multiply examples, even after a quarter of a century, and of course scripture still sometimes has to whack me over the head to get my attention. But that's the basic story."

One thing they did start doing, right away, was to begin praying together regularly. Any time Scott was over at the house for an evening, they devoted some time to this before he left. If they went somewhere together and he dropped them off at home, he almost always came in with them long enough to do so, too. In some ways this was hard for him. It brought back memories of his life with Chris. And also, he found the intimacy of it sexually arousing as well. He had expected this, again from his experience with Chris, but that didn't make it easier. He thought it might be having the same effect on them, to some degree, and they surely could see the effect on him. But nonetheless it was a precious time for him, and, he thought, for the women too.

69. We tripped the light fantastic

A few nights later, Lynda told him she had signed them all three up for a ballroom dance class, eight weeks, every Tuesday, starting the next week. Scott asked her how much he owed her, and she became indignant when he persisted. "I knew you would think you had to pay for us! And you're not!"

When he started to protest, she just kept going. "In the first place, you've been paying for everything, fair or not. We know what's happened to our grocery bills, and it's not just what you eat that you're covering, not by a long shot! It was OK for you to pay for us when we went contradancing, the first time, but I know you were expecting to keep that up, too. Contraceptives, well, OK, maybe that made sense, but I don't know, Martha got her job and we both enjoyed pretty much every minute, so I question it. And we're the ones who don't get pregnant! You expect us to tell you how much anything that comes up costs so you can reimburse us, but when you fixed that light socket, to name just one example, we didn't ever hear how much it was, and you did all the work too.

"I think I remember someone explaining to us, over and over, that being saved means among other things giving up on thinking somehow you can do enough, pay enough, be good enough, to do it yourself. You have to be ready to accept it as a gift, you said! So why this insistence that you have to pay for everything for us? Why won't you let us give you a gift?"

Scott stared at her for a moment, and then burst into tears. I've got to stop reacting to everything like this, he thought. He said, "Oh, honey, you're right. I'm sorry. It is exactly like that. And it's an area I've always had trouble with. Please forgive my pride! Paying your own way was drilled into me at an early age, and I do know better, and I've even learned to do better a lot of the time, but it seems I never really get it down. I was wrong. Please forgive me. Both of you."

It seemed pretty clear to him that Lynda hadn't been expecting this. She was still hitting her stride, and it took her a few moments to wind down again. In the meantime, Martha said, "Scott, I'll forgive you, gladly, and I know Lynda will when she comes out of shock. But are you going to really repent, or just stop with contrition? You told us about that, too, remember. It was in 2 Corinthians, wasn't it? Are you willing, in the future, to discuss with us how things get paid for? Discuss, not dictate?"

Lynda cut in. "Forgive you, yes, of course. And I wouldn't have been able to come up with what Martha said, but that's exactly what I mean. Dear, we both love you, and one reason is that you're ready to admit it when you're wrong. But yes, sometimes it does kind of take a whack on the head. Just to get your attention, though." She came over and pulled him down and kissed him on the lips, not a peck but not long either.

"What Martha suggested is totally fair. I may argue on details as they come up."

"That's fine, as long as you remember what she said. And do it! Discuss, not dictate."

In the end, for Scott, the dance lessons were kind of a flop. The women said they were satisfied with his progress, but he continued to feel that he was always awkwardly lumbering around the floor, always leading with the wrong foot, always heading the wrong way. Still, he took them dancing sometimes, and they went contradancing and occasionally square dancing with him too.

They really seemed to take to contras and squares very readily, and they saw what he found so satisfying, moving pleasingly in elegant patterns with several other people, the feeling of contributing to a group project. As for the ballroom dancing, he consoled himself that he might improve with practice, and they also sometimes put on music and danced for a few minutes in the evenings. He could remember when in contras he had constantly felt that he was always behind the calls, behind the music. He still occasionally did things wrong, but not very often. Maybe with enough practice he really would get better at this, too. They continued to go out dancing from time to time, so at least he was using what he'd learned.

He did notice that normal ballroom position really wasn't possible when he was dancing with Lynda, but she adapted without comment or complaint. And it was just as true in some contradance figures as well, particularly swinging, which was done in ballroom position. When they danced at home, Lynda insisted on a reasonably fair share of the dances, so obviously she didn't find this so awkward that she wanted to avoid it.

With time, yes, he was able to relax and flow with the music, a little, but he still had to pay attention too much to where his feet were going, leaving not enough for the overall dance, and not nearly enough for his partner.

Continue to Part 14