Letters from Long Ago

Enough of that.

You once told me I am a priority in your life. You called me sweetness and told me my energy helped you. You said I made you feel. I want you to know that my energy is yours until the end of time. Anything you need or want is yours without question or reserve. And you make me feel every day. But you are excused from maintaining me as any level of priority if that is what you need right now. I know the last week I have not had very good timing at all. I'm being a little dense lately. Too many things on my mind and a lack of focus on the fact that life is moving on the realm of reality all around me. You are not in the same position you were in even 3 weeks ago, much less 2 months ago. You will be again someday, sooner than I think, but right now, even if I were there, you would not have much time to spare. And most likely, not the energy to spare either. So the sum of this all is: I will write to you as I have and use these epistles to talk to you as I would if I were sitting on your lap. But I will not call you unless you let me know I can. That is going to be VERY VERY HARD for me. I am crying thinking it, but I know that is what you need. I will not send you any more text messages either. Those are as much an interruption as the calls. I just love to hear your voice so much. You inspire the most fantastic dreams and thoughts in me. But I will learn some self-control. And you will be my teacher, from afar. I will practice a little self-discipline. I am smart enough and I care enough about you to do that.

And I want you to know that I am still so very awed by you. Enamored of you. Completely taken by you. I do not doubt you or any word you have ever uttered to me. I believe in you and the power you give me from my soul. Thank you for your tenderness and love. Thank you for your friendship and care. Thank you for loving me. Now if I can only live up to my potential as a good friend and give you some room to breathe. :) There will be enough time to smother you when I am laying in your arms with the autumn breeze blowing across you as you reach for me and Engulf me with your kisses. For I know that day is coming too.

OK...3am...I guess I have to at least TRY to get some rest in the dark, huh?

I love you my handsome man. More than you know. And I really am trying to be a good friend.

Love,

Your Bean

August 25, 1999

My Lover, my friend,

When did this strange and overpowering feeling happen? Was it in an instant, the moment your eyes locked with mine and I went into your arms? Was it when my eyes first glimpsed you, rugged and dusty, walking toward me like something out of a dream?

Was it forged over time, through your wily ways and sweet words, lulling me into the peace that lay within your arms? Was it through the workings of my own mind, dreaming and piecing you together in intricate fantasy?

I believe it was all these things and more. I believe we were drawn together. Had it not happened now, it would have happened at some future point in time. But the inevitability of our connection is one I cannot dispute, and choose not to question. If we were to lay our lives on the line and make point by point connections, we would find a woven tapestry bound in the colors of experience. Scattered with pictures of moments that somehow relate of complement each other. Bound with ideas and dreams that move together in a living object not to be undone by the world surrounding it.

You know my mind, my heart, and my soul. You are the cloudy figure in dreams past come to reality in my present. The knowledge of my soul that you existed pulled me through times I would not and should not have survived. That we have placed the expression of this connection in sex and erotica shows me the validity in our friendship. We have been rewarded in a way for letting ourselves find each other. And you found me more than I you. You opened the door. I walked through it. You found a gateway to my power that I didn't even know I had. You are MY muse, my guide in the physical world. The place you reside inside me did not exist until you. You are neither a replacement nor a substitute for the people and things I have in my life already. You are an addition. I choose to incorporate you into this world of mine. Totally and completely. I pray the doors open for you so that you will be able someday to do so with me.

I was visited last night. Very clearly. By our friends. There will be a road at which there is a path to the side. You travel this road often. You know the path. Park your truck and stop there soon. You will know the day to do this. The moon will guide you. Follow the path until you get to a spot with a seat...possibly an old stump. Sit there and this woman who leads us together will visit you. There will be a man with her as well, but I am very unsure of his message to you, or if there even is one. This decision you are currently struggling with...she will guide you. Listen to her. You know the choices to be made. She can help you see each choice more clearly. She will give you a vision if you are ready. Be patient. And open yourself as you have once before. The fear will not take you this time. Allow this and you will have resolution to this long-standing dilemma of your soul. She is hurting for you right now. She wants to help you free yourself of the burden. You have much waiting for you. Resolve this and then the rest will become. You are headed to a destiny mark. Trust in the power you hold to take you there. You are far more powerful than you realize. You are gifted.

When this is done, you will know what to carry with you from this place of meeting. Show your honor to this place by careful thought and choice in what you take. You will have an open door if you so choose. I am here for you and I do understand the battle inside you, even without details.

I know this is all hard to believe at times. It is for me as well. But I am only telling you because I have to. And I was put in your life in a part for this reason. I can listen. If you want me to.

I will write soon, with something less cerebral.

I have to go clear my melon now! My head is whirling. Sometimes they bombard me from too many directions at once. But they are kind, and she loves you so much, she won't let go until it is time.

I guess in that way we are a little alike, her and I. I won't let go of you either.

Love, Bean

December 27, 1999

My dearest lover -

Friday night I sat up most of the night re-reading our letters. Mainly, I just read the letters you have sent to me. All of them. You are so incredible, so passionate, so tender, so gentle, so loving, sincere, affectionate, funny, thoughtful, insightful, empathetic, heartfelt, emotional..............my GOD!! How could I ever shirk the awesome gift you have given me of your friendship and love by not writing to you enough!!!??!?!?!?

Do you know in your heart that I truly do think of you every day? EVERY day? Do you feel me at night when I am dreaming of you? When I am fantasizing about your hands and body? Do you hear me whisper to you at quiet moments when I just want the smell of your neck close? I hope this connection is still strong enough to carry all that I send to you. Sometimes I feel you so strongly in my presence that I think if you are not reaching out to me, I surely must be insane. Then you will make me feel so overwhelmed by YOU that I know you really are thinking of me at that moment.

I still hear things from our friends. But I get the sense you are doing a lot more of your own listening lately so my involvement in that aspect is not as required. Am I right? You don't have to talk to me about it, that is yours. But I don't mind listening if you want an ear and heart for you to give voice to things about. I think partly we are supposed to be far apart right now because you really do have an awesome power, and I'd probably do the wrong thing in respect to that. I don't know if you'd noticed, but I can be a little pushy sometimes. (Oh, you probably didn't notice THAT...) I had a part of the Solstice ceremony for you. I knew you were thinking about me, so I believe there was some real force in that magic. Thank you for that gift as well. I have a binding I made at the same time as yours with some of your hair and mine as well as the oak and raspberry we collected together. I wear it every time I work magic.

But back to Friday night.....

I told you that Dave and I had talked about you all night Thursday(while trying out my new toy). Well..it carried over to Friday and Saturday and tonight. Friday was MIND BLOWING! You were so there with us that Dave just moved away from me and watched while I talked to you and made love to you.

You walked in the room and saw us together on the bed. Your smile at us both made me weak. Then you walked over to my side of the bed and sat at my feet. You ran your hand from the tip of my toes to my knees and then back down the other leg. You picked up my foot and held it to your lips, kissing the inside arch and gently caressing my ankle. Then you set my foot down on the side of you to put yourself between my legs. You leaned down and kissed up my legs, first one then the other, slowly working your way up them to my thighs. You could smell the heat from my pussy, hungry for you and your touch.

Teasing me, you sat up and moved from the bed to stand beside me. You lifted off your shirt and I rolled to my side and reached up to your pants, undoing them quickly and freeing your hard cock. As I lowered your pants to the floor, you leaned over me, still on my side, and held my body at the small of my back, kissing my hips and waist passionately.

I kissed your thighs and legs as you pressed your strong body into me. Slowly you moved onto the bed, over me, kissing every inch of my body you could find. Your hands found my breasts and gently pinched and touched my rock hard nipples. You followed with your mouth, hot and wet, your desire invading me with your every breath. I ran my hands over your shoulders and back, up your neck, stroking your soft hair, moaning incessantly.

I felt your hot cock against me, first here then there, getting harder with every moment. Drops of your sweet precum were all over me now, and their heat burned into me driving me wild. I wanted to taste you, lie you back and move you to unimaginable heights. I pressed against you, trying to move you to my will, but you were too set in your passion to be swayed. "I want to taste you first", you whispered into my ear as you kissed my neck and pressed me back down to the bed. Both your hands held my sides and moved down my body with your mouth, finding their way to the small of my back and sensually lifting my hips from the bed closer to your waiting lips. My legs went over your shoulders, still spread wide, shaking as I felt your breath on my swollen lips and clit. Your tender lips took my clit between them, tugging and sucking. You licked up and down between my pussy lips, tracing the edges of my clit. I almost couldn't take it! I reached down to your face with both hands and held your jaw as your mouth devoured me. I felt my cunt dripping for you and moved my hips to take your tongue there. As you slid your tongue into my hot hole, you pressed one thumb against my ass. I screamed out in pleasure. My body shook, wanting and needing this for so long now. I had the tremblings of my first orgasm jolting my core and you sucked my cunt with renewed fervor. I came on your face, so wet and honey sweet, and gripped your hair as I pressed your face to me to ride the wave you brought crashing onto me.

You moved back up to my face and kissed me, your chin shiny and wet from me, and I kissed you deeper than I ever had. Your hands still held my back and now they were pressing my hips against yours and holding my heated pussy to your hard cock.

We rolled over to your back and I moved my hips against yours, grinding against your fire and strength. I sat up on top of you and your hands held my breasts like precious orbs as I pushed and writhed on you, my hands finding your nipples also. I lifted my hips up enough to allow your prick to rise to meet me and slid myself down onto you, taking you in one smooth long stroke. I almost burst instantly from the relief of all these needs being met finally after so much waiting and wanting. But I lie down on you and you hold me close and tight as we feel our hearts beating together between our legs. Catching my breath and regaining some measure of composure, I lift my face to kiss your neck as my hips and cunt take on a life and mind of their own. The rhythms of our strokes and pulsations are moving together and rising to a slow wave crashing level as I get to taste your skin and feel you beneath me. I suck your nipples into my mouth and suck them in time to the grinding of my pussy. I feel my cunt gripping you and sucking on your beautiful cock deep inside me. I feel the head of your prick firmly rubbing the spot inside that pushes me over the edge. I rise up to ride you, to bring you with me over this edge. Your hands holding my waist as my back arches and I am overcome by the sensations you are feeding me with each heartbeat. I can't contain the cries rising from my throat. I begin cumming again and as my little pussy feeds your hungry cock I shake and shudder, safe against you, within your arms, you within me.

You keep yourself buried in me as the spasms of my orgasm threaten to push you out of me. As it subsides, you roll me over again and, kneeling between my legs, turn me on my stomach. Grasping my hips and pulling me hard against you, you bring your balls slapping against my clit again and again. I am screaming into the pillow in my face and you are touching my ass and clit and cunt. You lean over my body and move your hands to my breasts again as you continue to pump in and out of me. Soon I feel your balls tighten and feel your face pressing harder as you kiss my neck. You lift up to kneel again and pull me back hard as you cum deep inside me, filling me with that warmth that I need so badly.

You stayed inside me a while as I felt you get a little softer. Then I curled up against your chest as your strong arms encircled me and touched me ecstasy and eventually a little sleep.

Oh to sleep in my lovers arms again!! Is this so very much to ask? All I want is to feel you want me and to be allowed to do for you anything you want or need.

I'd better go for now. I will write again soon and tell you about the scene I saw with you and me and my new toy :)

I do so miss you.

And I do love you.

I know it is hard to keep a hold of feelings when there is so much distance between us. But you told me you loved me once. All I ask is the opportunity to show you that you still can. And That I still do love you. The same as then if not more.

Write me. I need to hear your fantasies again. Your thoughts. Your needs and dreams. Or maybe just your dirty thoughts of us :)

Love,

Your Little Bean