Life Doesn't Go As Planned

November 2008 John

I sometimes wonder what Hannah sees in me. However, she seems to be just as in to me as am in to her. Everything about Hannah is perfect. She has this positive energy that is contagious. I think about Hannah constantly.

Things have moved very quickly with Hannah and I. We moved in together at the start of the fall semester. I just bought an engagement ring and I am planning to pop the question at Christmas. Hannah would like a big family and I can envision a life for us in the future with a big house out in the country with a lot of kids and successful careers. It is a happy life and seems well within reach.

April 2009 Carey

Today I received a wedding invitation for myself and Tyler to attend John's wedding. I will send a gift and say that I sorry but that we cannot attend.

A few months ago on a whim I had called John. Of all my friends from Biloxi College, I felt like John would be the least judgmental and with everything that has happened, I think of our time in Massachusetts as the last of my youth when my all dreams were alive and John was a big part of that.

John was surprised and seemed happy to hear from me. He knew I had a baby and was no longer in vet school. However, he did not know that Tyler and I were separated. And I could not bring myself to tell him.

It was apparent that John had matured a lot from the shy boy that I first met and even from the guy I knew at Paul Revere College. He was very happy with his life and in love with his fiance. Several times I heard her laughing in the background. I felt like I was interrupting them and after a while I said that I needed to go and said goodbye.

Part of me is happy for John who I genuinely grew to like and care about. However, there is a part of me that is jealous that everything is going John's way while my dreams have fallen apart. I knew that it was immature and unhealthy but I can not help it.

June 2009 John

Hannah and I are on our honeymoon in St Lucia after getting married last week in her hometown of Orlando . Like everything about my life since meeting Hannah, the wedding was magical. It was in a country club and we had about two hundred guests. Hannah's family is much bigger than mine but our families got along from well. Hannah's twin sister, Molly was the matron of honor and Matt was my best man. It was a very festive and happy atmosphere.

Hannah and I each have one more year of school and then we join the working world. We are planning to settle somewhere between Jacksonville and Orlando after school. Since we would like a big family we do not plan to waste much time before getting started.

August 2009 Carey Willingham

Shortly after we moved into our townhouse, we met a precocious seven year old girl named Faith and her mother Gwen. Faith liked to entertain Austin who was about a year and a half at the time. They live in a townhouse three houses down from us. At first Gwen and I would just do the friendly neighborly thing but nothing more. Gwen was also a single mother who I would guess is a few years older than me. She seems to be somewhat private.

However, in February Gwen knocked on my door and asked if I could do a favor for her and watch Faith while she worked one day. I said sure and Faith , Austin and I had a very pleasant day. I told Gwen that it was no problem and I would do it anytime. Gwen said she was having problems finding a permanent sitter. I am not sure what Gwen does for a living but she needs someone that is flexible because she works all different hours. Since I did not have much a life I said I would be happy to watch Faith until she found someone permanent. We agreed on a weekly price.

Faith is an extremely well behaved and an easy kid to watch. She is very helpful with Austin who really likes Faith. The arrangement worked out well and after a month I told Gwen I would be happy to do it permanently. Gwen was thrilled and suggested that I consider getting my daycare license and taking on more kids.

I ended up getting my day care license and I am now watching four kids (including an infant) in addition to Austin and Faith. My parents who have been after me to do something are pleased and I am pretty happy doing daycare. I seem to enjoy being around kids more than adults at this point in my life. Last month my divorce was finalized.

January 2010 John

I have been interning at an animal hospital during the winter break. It is very intense since most of the cases involve major health issues. I was incredibly busy yesterday. Hannah had texted me earlier in the day and said she had something to discuss with me. However,when I called her she said she wanted to talk in person. I told her I was not sure what time I would be home, but she said that she would wait up. Typically I might have wondered what it was that was so important. However, I was so busy that I did not have time to think about it.

I worked for eighteen hours and did not come home until after midnight. Hannah was already sleeping so I figured it could wait until morning. At 3:37 in the morning Hannah nudged me and said,

"Why didn't you wake me when you got home?

"You were sleeping and I didn't want to disturb you."

"I got some important news."

I turned over to face Hannah.

"We are going to have a baby!"

I smiled, turned on the light and gave Hannah a long kiss. Hannah says she just took a pregnancy test this morning and thinks that she is due in August. She could not wait to tell me and it was driving her crazy all day that I was unavailable. I never went back to sleep and made it through another long day with less than two hours sleep on the excitement of starting our family.

March 2010 Carey

Gwen and I have started to become good friends. She is twenty five years old which is actually a year younger than I am. Gwen has had a difficult life. She ran away when she was sixteen from an abusive home and had Faith. She started working at a Customer Service Rep answering phone calls and was quickly promoted to a management position. Gwen makes decent money and she is very good at saving money. She was able to buy her townhouse on her own and is more than half way towards getting a degree in information technology. Gwen is determined to provide a better childhood for Faith than she had. The more I have gotten to know Gwen the more I respect her. She has her shit together far more than I do.

May 2010 John

Tomorrow I will gradate from vet school. Hannah's graduation ceremony was today. She is five months pregnant and everything is going well. We are having a boy which we decided to name Logan.

We both have gotten jobs in Sanford, Florida which is about thirty miles from Orlando. With our parents help with the down payment, we are buying our home.

September 2010 John

Hannah gave birth to Logan last week. The delivery went smoothly and Logan is a healthy boy. When I held Logan for the first time I knew my life was never going to be the same.

Hannah has been incredibly stressed out with Logan and making sure everything is perfect for him. Obviously this is a huge period of adjustment for us and I am just trying to be supportive.

My job at the vet practice is going well. It is faced paced and I see a number of patients every day. Virtually all he patients are dogs or cats. I work a lot of hours and was only able to take a week off when Logan was born. I need to go back to work tomorrow which Hannah is not happy about.

March 2011 Carey

Austin inherited my love for animals. One of first things he said when he was a baby was dddd every time he saw a dog. So when we moved into the townhouse we went to the animal shelter and got a dog. Renny is a kind hearted beagle mix. A few months later we decided Rennie was lonely and needed a companion so we got Elmo who is a jack russell terrier. A few months ago we decided to get two cats named Bert and Ernie. So now the house is filled with animals but we both love them. It has also made me realize that I want to work with animals. I have decided once Austin starts school I will get a job in a vet office as a technician. This will involve taking some additional classes.

October 2011 Carey

It is funny that with all the time and money (mostly my parents) that I spent on therapy, I think my friendship with Gwen has helped me finally start to become myself again.

Gwen has read every self help book ever published and she is always giving me advice using her favorite sayings. Some of her favorites include

"You have to deal with the cards that you are dealt."

"It is time to put your big girl thongs on."

"Life is a journey, not a destination."

As corny as her sayings are, the combination of hearing her say them enough and the fact that she has overcome much more than me has motivated me. Gwen got her degree and is now working at a job with a more steady schedule.

One change was my interest in sex. Since Tyler left me more than three years ago I not only had not had sex with anyone, I rarely thought about it. Now suddenly I have started to masturbate a couple times a week. I already had a few sex toys which had been collecting dust and I ordered a rabbit and bullet vibrator as well as a couple dildos. I figured that I needed to try a bunch of them to see which I liked better.

Recently Gwen and I had started to look at online dating. So far what I have found is that it is more fun reading the guys profiles than the dating. I have gone on a couple dates but they have not gone well. There is a desperation to the process that is depressing. However, Gwen met someone named Jerry that she likes.

September 2012 Carey

I now have a fuck buddy. His name is Victor. We met at the gym that I started to attend. Victor is twenty four, he is a fitness instructor and he is in tremendous shape.

I have had a couple of different lovers that I met online in the last year. However, for the most part the men that I met online were disappointing. I have not met anyone that I thought was relationship material and eventually I decided that while I was interested in male companionship, at this time I was not looking for a boyfriend.

When I signed up for the gym I received a couple of free lessons with an instructor and that is how I met Victor. After my first lesson he asked if I wanted to go out to dinner with him on Saturday. I agreed and had Austin sleep over my parent's house. At the dinner I found that we had nothing in common but when he asked if I wanted to go back to his place I said all right. It felt good that a younger attractive man found me desirable and he looks like an abercrombie and fitch model. When we got back to Victor's place he wasted little time putting his hands underneath my clothes so I put my hand in his shorts and felt the thickest penis I ever touched. The sex is amazing. In fact I have told Victor that he should be a porn star.

Victor typically comes over my place after Austin is asleep on Sundays and Wednesdays. Unlike John who was at least a friend, I am not even sure I would call Victor that. He knows I have a son but has never asked about him. In fact it is amazing how little we talk about anything but sex and fitness.

December 2013 Carey

Today is Christmas. It is hard to believe that Austin is six going on seven. He is growing up so quickly and I love him so much. Austin is in first grade. He is a happy, smart, outgoing child. There is a part of me that is so proud of him and there is another part of me that is sad that he growing up so quickly and is no longer as dependent on me as he once was.

Austin and I open presents at home in the morning. I got him a xbox which I probably should of waited to give to him because he wants to stay home and play with it all day. However, we go over Gwen and her new husband, Jerry's place and exchange presents with them before going to my parents for Christmas dinner.

After about six months with the boy toy, Victor I decided that while it was fun, I should try to have a more conventional relationship so we stopped seeing each other.

A couple months later I met Richard on a dating website . Richard is in his mid thirties and is a mechanical engineer. Richard seems like the perfect guy and Gwen thinks I am crazy for being hesitant. He is attractive and really likes me. It is clear that he wants to become serious. However, for reasons that I cannot really explain, I just do not feel that way about him. From the beginning he has wanted to meet Austin and be involved with him. I have made excuses. The truth is that I do not want to confuse Austin by introducing him to a boyfriend unless it is someone that I know the relationship is going to last and I don't feel like that with Richard.

January 2014 Carey

I had been taking some courses so that I will be qualified to get a job as a vet technician. The classes were easy and things came back to me quickly. This month I passed the certification exam and I am now looking for a good opportunity that would fit in with Austin's schedule. I have been e-mailing with Dr. Baxter, who recommended me to a vet practice nearby. I have an interview with them next week.

Dr. Baxter said something cryptic about John. Apparently something happened to him and she assumes that I know about it. Dr. Baxter said that he is doing better. I have not talked to John in several years and would like to contact him and see what is going on but I am not sure what to say and I have been putting it off.

March 2014 John

Today is a nice spring day and Logan I are going to the LSU baseball game because today is superhero day and Logan loves his superheroes. When we arrive at the stadium I am surprised how poor the superhero event is. The costumes are cheap and the people in the costumes do not look the part. Robin is not supposed to be taller than Batman. However, Logan does not seem to mind and was thrilled to get his picture taken with Captain America.

We are now in line to get his picture taken with Iron Man. There are about ten people in front of us. I am holding Logan on my shoulder and he is talking to the mother in line behind us who is asking him his name and how old he is. I am half paying attention when I realize that the ladies voice is familiar. I turn around and see Carey.

Carey is with a boy who is several years older than Logan that I assume is her son. She is wearing small denim shorts and a LSU shirt and is just as petite and pretty as she was back in the day. Her ass looks great in those shorts and I think that my therapist would be happy that I am lusting after a hottie like a normal person. Life was so much fun and simple was when we were at Paul Revere College.

We smile at each other and both ask how the other is doing at the same time. Carey says she is doing good and I say that I am all right.

Carey says this is her son Austin and tells him that I am an old friend. Austin shakes my hand and asks if we knew each other when we were kids. Carey says we went to college together. I introduce Carey to Logan and she smiles and says they already met.

I ask Carey about Tyler.

"He is actually separated from his second wife. We have been divorced for years."

"I am sorry to hear that."

"It was a long time ago. How is Hannah?"

I flinch and look away. It has been three years and I am in a much better place now than I have been. However, it is so fucking awkward. No one knows what to say. I am surprised that Carey does not know. I can only hope she does not ask what happened.

"Hannah passed away when Logan was a baby"

I can see the look of shock and sympathy in Carey's eyes. However, she does not say anything more about it.

"When it happened I knew that I needed help with Logan so I moved back to Baton Rouge and bought a small house near my parents. I became a partner in their vet practice and my parents cut back their hours so one of us is always available to watch Logan. It has been a good arrangement for us."

We end up staying with Carey and Austin as the kids get their pictures taken with the superheroes. When we are at Spiderman's booth the woman behind us volunteers to take a picture of all of us with Spidey. She no doubt thinks we are a family and we shrug and let her take a picture of the four of us and Spiderman with each of our phones.

In the last year I have hooked up with several woman. However, other than sex I have not had any interest in woman since Hannah. Perhaps it is because Carey and I have a positive history, that she looks incredible or that she is so terrific with Logan, but I suddenly have a desire to be with Carey. It turns out that Carey lives about 30 miles from me near where she grew up. She says she has been in touch with my mother recently which is surprising because mom had not said anything.

We watch the game together. I end up staying for about five innings which is more than I intended. Carey tells Austin how much I used to like video games and he talks to me non stop about his favorite games while Carey entertains Logan who sits still much longer than he usually would. There is something so normal and healthy about the afternoon that I feel better than I have in a long time. I have butterflys in my stomach when I ask Carey if she would like to go out for dinner on Saturday. I am thrilled when she says yes.

April 2014 Carey

John and I have gone out every weekend since meeting at the baseball game. We have gone out by ourselves a few times and a couple times with the kids. It is against my better judgment to have Austin get to know John and I can see that they have already developed a bond. John still has the most gorgeous green eyes I have ever seen and there is a passion that I have with John that I never had with anyone except for Tyler. At the same time there is a lot of uncertainty about us. I do not even know if John is ready to be in a serious relationship. I do not know what happened to Hannah. He has not brought it up and I am afraid to ask.

The first time we went out for dinner when it was just the two of us, we went to a country seafood place where we ate outside on the patio. It started out as a fun relaxing evening. The food was really good and we had been drinking and reminiscing and having a good time. I had too much to drink and was thinking back to when we were college and how I was so sure that Tyler was the guy I wanted to marry that I never thought of John as anything more than a fuck buddy while I was in Massachusetts and I started talking about Tyler much more than I intended.

"I cannot believe how wrong I was about Tyler. I used to think he was the perfect guy. It is one thing that he cheated on me. It some ways it was karma after what we did."

"You weren't married then."

"True, but I can deal with the cheating and even that the marriage did not work out. What makes Tyler fucking scum is how he has treated Austin. When the marriage ended, he lost all interest in Austin. He is such a good kid and he deserves better from his dad. Austin is nothing but a financial obligation to Tyler. He always pays his child support without issue but has no interest in being his father. Who treats their own kid like that? I feel so fucking stupid for thinking Tyler was a good man. It really destroyed my faith in people for a long time. ls my judgment that bad?"

By now there were tears in my eyes. John held my hand and said that having the benefit of hindsight after the fact, in a lot of cases does not do anything but keep you up at night.

I smiled and said,

"You sound like some of the the therapist I've seen."

He looks away like he always does when he is about to say something revealing and says,

"I have seen my share of therapists as well since Hannah died.".

I tell him how my friend Gwen is better than any therapist and a lot cheaper. This is the only time he has brought up Hannah. I am very embarrassed about the whole outburst, but John does not seem fazed by it.