Life Doesn't Go As Planned

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May 2014 John

I cannot believe how fucked up I still am. No matter how much I want to focus on the present with Carey, I can't seem to do it. It is a wonder that Carey did not run away from me after last night.

We have been seeing each other for a couple months, but we had not have sex. I invited Carey over last night . Austin was spending the night with his grandparents and Logan was spending the weekend in New York with Molly and Sam. There was unspoken agreement that Carey would spend the night.

I made a caesar salad, blackened pork chop with sweet potatoes fries and we drank a nice bottle of pinot noir. It was a nice romantic evening and everything was going great.

We had previously talked about wanting to watch House of Cards on Netflix which neither of us had seen, so we watched the first few episodes tonight while sitting on my couch. I had bought a bottle of Sambuca which was something we drank together at Paul Revere College and between each episode we took a shot. We had gotten more comfortable and by the third episode I lost interest because we were spooning each other and making out.

I had my hands underneath her shirt and was massaging her tits and Carey had unbuckled my pants and started to stroke my penis through my underwear. Sex with Carey had always been great and I was so excited to be with her again after all this time and could tell that Carey was also plenty turned on.

Soon we were both naked and I was sitting on the couch, Carey was on top of me with her arms wrapped around me while I was inside of her very moist pussy. I was just about to cum when suddenly I said "Oh Hannah".

I pulled out and immediately started apologizing. I became very upset and was actually crying in front of Carey which just made things worse. Carey was holding me and saying that it was all right and that it was not a big deal. I could not believe how understanding she was about it.

Eventually I went to sleep in my bed with Carey feeling drunk, tired and depressed. At some point in the middle of the night, I woke up when I felt Carey put her arms around me and whisper that we should try again. She was already naked and I was immediately turned on as she removed my boxers. As our bodies rubbed up against each other, I was incredibly turned on. We shared a passionate kiss as she put her hand on my cock and I started to finger her. She was extremely wet and my penis was quite erect as we began to fuck with Carey on top. It took about two minutes for us both to loudly cum.

Afterward I told her how great I think she is and how much I want this to work. She told me that she is very happy we found each other again after all this time.

I never felt like I deserved Hannah and now I feel the same way about Carey. It is a mystery to me why Carey would still want to be with me but I know that I need to sure make that I do not blow it with her.

June 2014 Carey

Gwen and I have talked a lot about John and I, She thinks I should just google Hannah's obituary to find out what happened. I think that it would be prying and that it is not really important. If John wants to tell me he will.

After discussing the relationship with Gwen I decided that there are ways of looking at things that I have to follow in order to make it work with John. I am not competing with Hannah. I cannot dwell on the fact that they would be happily married if she was alive. I should focus on the present but also be sensitive to what John went through. When John called out Hannah's name while we were having sex, I knew immediately he felt terrible about it and I felt sorry for him more than anything else. I know he has been through hell.

I can be a mother like figure for Logan but it is important that he knows who his real mother is. I know we are taking a chance by being involved with each others kids if things do not work between us, but on the other hand I know that since meeting John, it has been good for Austin and I think the same is true since I have been involved in Logan's life. In addition, Austin and Logan get along well. Austin is too old to be friends with Logan. However, I think Logan looks up to Austin and Austin likes that someone treats him like he is a cool older kid.

July 2014 John

I want so badly for things too work out with Carey. I know that Hannah would want me to find someone else that would make me happy and help raise Logan. If I died and Hannah lived, I would certainly hope she found someone else. However, sometimes it is so difficult for me to try to be upbeat with Carey. I still have these dark periods where I cannot think of anything other than the guilt that I have about what happened to Hannah.

My therapist thinks that it is important that I discuss what happened to Hannah with Carey. He thinks that this will help me and that is is important for Carey to know the complete story. I am sure he is right but it is going to be difficult.

August 2014 Carey

A couple of weeks ago John told Austin about going camping when he was around Austin's age and hearing a swamp monster that was swimming in the middle of the night. I could see Austin's eyes get really big and I told John if he gets nightmares that I blaming him. However, Austin decided he wanted to go camping and see if he could see the swamp monster. He nagged me until I spoke to John about going camping. John thought it was a great idea and we just got back from a camping trip to find the swamp monster in the same park that John went to when he was kid.

"I thought all you did when you were kid was sit on the couch and play video games." I said to John

"That was when I was teenager. When I younger I had to do what parents wanted and my father loved camping."

It was extremely hot and not many people were in the park. I had never been camping and had not been looking forward to it, but I went because Austin really wanted to do it. However, we ended up having a great day. It really is remarkable how much the four of us seem like a family sometimes.

John said if we stayed in a cabin it is not real camping so we reserved an area where we could sleep in two tents that John had brought. During the day we rented a canoe and went out on the swamp. There was not much water in certain areas and we saw a number of alligators and snakes. The kids loved it and John was much more comfortable in the outdoors than I would have thought. We also went for a long walk on the trails.

For dinner, John started a fire and we cooked burgers and hot dogs. Afterward we roasted marshmallows and told ghost stories. We heard lots of sounds which the boys thought could be a swamp monster. They eventually fell asleep in their tent.

When we were sure the kids were asleep John brought out a bottle of sambuca and we had a shot. We then went in our tent and cuddled for a few minutes before John went off to pee. When he came back he suddenly started talking.

"Hannah always had a lot of energy and she was a very positive person. She had a toughness and independence about her. She was great with kids and seemed to be born to be a mother. We talked about having a large family and we were thrilled when she got pregnant.

The pregnancy was normal and the birth was uneventful. However, when we brought Logan home, Hannah was not herself. There were times that Hannah wanted nothing to do with Logan. I had to go back to work after about a week and she begged me to stay home with her but there was nothing I could do.

I would do everything that I could, but I could not do everything, there are some things that a mother has to do. When Logan was a few weeks old, she decided to stop breastfeeding which is unusual considering she was a pediatric nurse and knew how important breastfeeding is at that age .

There were other times where Hannah was herself and she would be so upset with herself for not being a better mother. We figured early on that it was some degree of postpartum depression but Hannah came from a type of old fashioned background where getting help was a sign of weakness and she was very resistant to getting any kind of help. She convinced me it would go away on its own. She also was adamant that I not discuss it with her twin sister, Molly or the rest of the family. She tried to put on a happy face when others were around. I wanted it to get better and there were times when Hannah was like her old self so I convinced myself it was improving."

From the time that John started talking, it was apparent to me where this was going and

I wanted to tell John that he did not have to continue but I stayed silent.

"The original plan was that Hannah would go back to work when Logan was two months old. We could only afford the house we bought less than a year earlier on both our salaries. However, when Logan was about four weeks old she decided that she did not to work anymore and wanted to sell the house. We put the house on the market and she quit her job, but the house was not selling and if we could not sell it soon, we were going to have financial problems. She was also still distant from Logan.

We had an awful fight one Saturday when Logan was about four months old. I never told Molly anything until she called me and asked what was wrong with Hannah. Then I told her the truth. Hannah was livid and accused me of being disloyal to her by discussing her problems with her sister. Molly lived in New York and had not seen any us since Logan had been two weeks old. Molly made plans to come see her sister first hand the following weekend when she could get away from work.

Later that evening Hannah apologized and said she knew that she needed to get help. It was very hard for her and emotional. We stayed up that whole evening researching postpartum depression and finding a good doctor. We made an appointment to see a doctor on Wednesday."

John was crying and got choked up but continued.

"When I came home from work on Tuesday, Hannah was dead in her car in the garage. She had killed herself by carbon monoxide poisoning."

By this time I had tears rolling down my face as well. I rubbed John back and said

"I don't know what to say. I am so sorry for the three of you."

For several hours, John and I sat in the dark in the tent and we were mostly silent but neither of us slept.

I thought about the boy I was attracted at freshman orientation who was too shy to talk to me until we were brought together a few years later and how great the couple of months that we were lovers were, how happy he and Hannah seemed the one time I spoke to him when they were engaged and then the nightmare that he had been put through.

Eventually John looked over at me saw that I as still awake and said.

"There will always be at least a small part of me that will struggle with what happened to Hannah and feel guilty that I did not do enough to help her. However, there is a bigger part of me that is ready to move forward and love you, raise a family and have a happy life together."

My mouth was dry as I told John that I loved him and we kissed. I never thought much about destiny before but I decided then that we belong together, that I wanted to help John enjoy life again and raise our children together. I never felt closer to anyone than I felt to John that night. For a few hours we fell into a deep sleep until we were awoken at dawn by two kids.

September 2014 John

Today is Logan's fourth birthday party. As we have for his three previous birthdays,we are having a party over my parent's house. Like the previous birthdays my family, Hannah's family and some friends attend the party. As Logan gets older he has started to make his own friends as well. The big difference this year is that Carey is here and it is the first time that Carey will meet Hannah's family.

In the last month Carey and I have grown closer. We are both deeply committed to each other at this point and Logan and I are planning to move in with Carey and Austin in a couple weeks. We decided since Austin is already in school, it would be best for us to move in with them since we did not want Austin to have to change schools.

Despite my assurances that Hannah's family is very understanding and has encouraged me to date, I know Carey is very nervous about meeting them and I understand that it will be weird for everyone. Since Hannah died it is challenging to see Molly without thinking of Hannah. They look and sound so much alike. However, today I am more focused on how Carey and Molly get along. When I introduce Molly to Carey and Austin, Molly and Carey both smile warmly and shake hands.

The main event of the party is Gus the Clown who we hire to put on a show on the lawn outside Logan saw him at his friends party and talked about how great Gus was and it is a surprise for Logan that Gus is performing at his party. Gus is very good at making balloons into animals and is a big hit with kids.

As Gus is performing, I notice that Carey and Molly are inside talking. They talk for a long time and hug each other at the end. Carey would only later tell me that Molly assured her that she thought it was great that we were going out and that she was happy for us.

Carey is thrilled and relieved that Hannah's family were supportive of us. Logan loves Gus the Clown and has a great birthday party. Today is a really good day.

December 2014 Dr Baxter

I was so happy when John started going out with Carey. It has been such a struggle for John since Hannah died. I have always a soft spot for Carey, who I think she is a special person and I know that she has not had an easy time herself since college.

Around the time of Logan's birthday, I had a discussion with Carey to make sure she knew what she was getting into. I came away from our talk confident that Carey loved John, that she knew the challenges that being with John involve and that she was as committed as John to making it work. I know how vulnerable John is and don't think he could handle it if Carey broke his heart.

A couple of months ago Carey started working at our practice a vet technician. I was immediately struck with how good she is with animals and what a shame it is that she never got a chance to finish vet school. I talked to Carey about it and found that she had pretty much given us on the idea of going to vet school but I encouraged her to consider it. She is a natural and has a passion for caring for animals.

February 2015 Carey

I can't believe how great things have been lately. Since John and Logan moved in with us things could not have been better .It was like we instantly became a family. With John's dog and two cats, it is a little crazy with four people, three dogs and four cats in the townhouse. However, all of us are very happy with the new arrangement. We have casually discussed getting married and it just a matter of time.

About the only thing we struggled with is what Logan calls me and what Austin calls John. We just decided it is easier to just have them continue to call us by our first name.

When I was in college, I either was not honest with myself or I thought that it was more exciting because I was doing something I should not have been doing, but the sex with John had always blown away sex with Tyler or anyone else. Since John and I found each other again it is clear that we have incredible chemistry. I just want his his penis inside me all the time. When you have kids that means you are sacrificing sleep for sex but it is worth it.

Last year when I had my thirtieth birthday it was depressing to reach that age and to be single. What a difference a year makes. This year on my birthday John and I went out for dinner to a Thai restaurant and then went home for cake with the kids. After blowing out candles and eating the cake I opened presents. I opened the smallest present last. It was a beautiful engagement ring. John got down on one knee and asked me to marry him in front of Austin and Logan and I of course said yes.

That evening after the kids were to bed, John was in the shower and I went in and surprised him. I took his hard dick and put it in my mouth with the water coming down on my back and then John went down on me. I had goosebumps as he had his tongue between my legs. I then put my back to John, leaned forward and faced the front of the shower as he entered me from behind. We both came loudly. I did not think that sex could get any better between us but somehow it did.

Afterward we talked about our wedding. We agreed that we wanted a small wedding with just family and good friends. We also agreed that there was no point in wasting much time. We wanted to get married quickly.

We barely slept that night. We had sex twice more and talked a lot about about our future. My friend Gwen and her husband, Jerry are expecting a child in May, even though her daughter, Faith is twelve and John shocked me when he asked if I wanted to have any more kids. With what happened to Hannah I did not think John would want another kid. I had Austin so many years ago and had not thought about having another child since. With John's mothers urging I had been considering going back to vet school. However, the more I thought about having a child with John, the more I warmed up to it. I can always go back to vet school when this child starts school.

September 2015 John

Today is Logan's fifth birthday party. There is quite a crowd between Logan's friends, Hannah's family, my family and Carey's family. Among the adults Carey is in the middle of it all talking to everyone and making sure that everyone knows each other. She is about four months along and look beautiful with that pregnant glow. It is especially good to see Carey and Molly together. They have become friends and communicate regularly.

From the day I met Hannah I thought she was the love of my life. There is still a part of me that will never get over what happened to Hannah and second guessing myself for not doing more to help her. However, I have learned in the last few years that it does no good to beat myself up about it. I cannot change what has happened. More importantly I have learned that you can love more than one person in your life. Perhaps if things were different, Hannah and I would have grown old together and we would have had a happy life, but that is not what happened.

Carey and I got married in March and continue to be quite happy. There was probably something there between us when we were in college but the timing was not right and we went our separate ways. Then when we met again a couple of year ago we had both been through a lot and we are lucky to have found each other again.