Life in Hell

"What about Trump?" I asked. "I mean, he's a prime asshole, like us, surely he'll wind up in Hell, right?"

"Would be awesome," this guy who used to be known as Darius said. "If he got stuck here, in the same section with Hillary!" We all died laughing, except of course, we couldn't die laughing, because we were already fucking dead!

"OK, dude, tell us another story, about another wife you fucked. I mean, I fucked a lot of married women, but somehow my stories ain't as much fun as yours."

"Sure, sure," I agreed. I did have better stories, or at least told them better. "OK, here's one.

"It was right after I transferred to UK, and I was working as a ward clerk at the University Hospital. It was Valentine's Day, and I was going in for my shift at seven in the morning. Anyway, this chick who worked as a nursing assistant ducked into the elevator with me.

"'Happy Valentine's Day,' I said to her, but she just got a sad look on her face and said, 'It isn't much of a Valentine's Day, I won't even get a kiss.'

"'I thought that you were married,' I said, and she looked all kinds of puppy dog eyes and told me that no, her husband had gotten deployed.

"Well, I saw my opportunity, bent down and kissed her, and told her Happy Valentine's Day again. 'I guess that I can't give you more than a kiss, since you're married,' I told her, and then the elevator reached my floor and I got out, but I was pretty sure that I'd gotten my message across.

"Anyway, I guess that it was about three weeks later, and we both wound up working graveyard shift, on the eighth floor. There was this equipment room, kind of down the hall away from the patient rooms, and when I went in, this chick, her name was Kathy, sneaked in after I did, and she laid a really wet one on me.

"Now, I walked to work, 'cause Dana and I lived only half a mile away."

"Wait, who's Dana?"

"Oh, she was just this chick I was shacked up with.

Anyway, Kathy offered me a ride home, and I knew that Dana wouldn't be there, 'cause she worked straight day shifts, so I accepted the ride. I was going to invite Kathy up, but I didn't even have to; she asked me if my girlfriend was home. I told her that no, the apartment was going to be Dana-free all day, and Kath followed me upstairs without me even asking.

"Naturally, I fucked her six ways to Sunday, and the only problem was that she was a scratcher: she put some major claw marks into my back, and I had to spend the next week not taking my shirt off where Dana could see my back.

"Naturally, I got busted anyway, because Kath had somehow 'forgotten' that she'd worn ankle socks under her shoes, and left them in the apartment for Dana to find. There was a major blow-up over that, let me tell you, and since it was actually her apartment, not mine, I would up out on the street. Kathy let me shack up with her for a couple weeks, but her husband was coming back from overseas, so that was all I could stay. But I got a lot of pussy from her, and even some ass, before he got back."

"You know, buddy," McGuffey said, "that ain't much of a story. Just another married slut you fucked, and look where it got you, down here with us in Hell."

"Yeah, but if I had to wind up in Hell, at least I had a fun ride getting here."

A few years later - I guess it was years - a bunch of us were sitting around drinking Schlitz beer, the only beer bad enough to be allowed in Hell, and it was warm beer at that, and playing cards, not only us guys, but Bactrium, one of the demons. We were laughing and shooting the shit, and somehow we got onto the pecking order in Hell.

"I guess Hitler is the number one bastard here, ain't he?" someone asked.

"Nahhh," Bactrium said. "I mean, he's a bad dude, and he killed a lot of Jews, and Lucifer hates Jews, but Hitler got downgraded because he took the easy way out, shot himself when the Russians were getting close. If he'd gone outside and gone down fighting, then yeah, he might be in the number one room, but Lucifer hates cowards, and says that Hitler took the coward's way out.

"Now, right now the Big Guy is still pondering over Hermann Goering. Goering took the easy way out, too, taking poison the night before he was going to get hanged, but Lucifer vacillates back and forth between whether he gets downgraded for being a coward, or given points for being clever enough to cheat the Allies out of getting to hang him."

"Well, what about other famous people?" That was me asking.

"It's kind of cool. Angela Merkel thought she was being a do-gooder, but she let all them Muslim refugees into Germany, and a whole bunch of German girls got raped due to that, so she's in Hell, Level 478, Section 2249, which is where a lot of the really stupid bitches get sent. The ones who think they're doing the right thing, the 'social justice warriors,' but wind up totally fucked up, they wind up in the stupid bitches section.

"Bradley Manning wound up in the stupid section, too, but in with guys. Hurt his feelings no end when he was told that it didn't matter about getting his dick sliced off, he was still a guy. Of course, he was queer, too, and wants guys to fuck him, but no self-respecting man would, so he's getting shunned for the rest of his death.

"Donald Fucking Trump is here, too, and you'd think that he'd rank really high, but it seems that his wife was screwing around on him with like three Secret Service agents, so after eight years in the White House, he's now spending eternity in the cuck room."

"Oh, man, I said, you ought to talk to Lucifer about sending Trump in here; that would bug Hillary no fucking end!"

"Oh, it's been suggested, and Lucifer laughs about doing that, so who knows. Transfers do happen."

"Heck, y'all could even suspend the prohibition on sex, so Trump could fuck Hillary in the ass! We'd all like to see that."

"Wouldn't work. There ain't no Viagra here, and Trump wasn't able to get his dick hard by himself the whole time he was President."

You never heard of such laughter in Hell!

No idea how much time has passed in the outside world, but one day Kriton came to see me, again. After yet another painful butt reaming, he gave me the story.

"You aren't going to like this, Kentucky boy," he began, "but the guy who murdered you; he straightened up, started going to church, got forgiven, and now he's in Heaven. Looks like he got his revenge on you, all the way around."

"Damn it," I screamed.

"Yup, damn it is right," Kriton laughed uproariously, as he vanished again.