Living with Katrina Ch. 05

"What happened?"

"See for yourself, Jake," and he hung up.

* *

The fluorescent lights lining the corridor of St Sebastian's cast a long shadow against the wall. Jake paced the corridor furiously. He tried sitting, but he felt too restless. His mind was a tempest of thoughts.

The doctor came soon and went up to him. He wore a grim look. Jake feared the worst as he started.

"We have managed to pump most of the drugs out of her system."

He sensed a "but" coming as the doctor continued.

"Her pulse is still weak and she may need a partial blood transfusion. As of now, we cannot say for sure if she will make it."

Jake nodded listlessly.

"We will carry out the blood transfusion after she has stabilized some more and keep her under observation for twenty four hours after that. If all goes well, she should be good to go then."

"Can I see her?" Jake asked quietly.

"Only from outside."

He followed the doctor to the next floor and stood in silent shock in front of the glass door. Katrina lay peacefully in bed. An IV went into her arm and other nozzles were injected into various parts of her. A nebulizer clamp was attached over her mouth.

Her eyes were closed and her hand lay limply by her side. The EKG showed a steady low pulse and beeped in tune with the nebulizer's pump.

"Katrina," he gasped softly. "What have you done to yourself?"

A sudden flutter on her EKG graph sent an alarm wailing. Doctors and nurses rushed in and Jake could not see her amidst the melee of bodies. Dazed, he returned to the waiting room.

* *

Three days later, they were driving home. Katrina was ghastly pale and could not look Jake in the eye. Her morose gaze remained fixed obscurely outside her window.

He knew she needed her space, so he did not press the issue. Not yet anyway, but he foresaw an uncomfortable conversation when they got back.

Uncomfortable but necessary. He needed to get all her issues out in the open.

He helped her out of the car and supported her to the elevator. She slung onto him, letting her blond hair splay all over her face. Her lips moved intermittently, but no words came out. They reached the door to the flat and Katrina quietly walked to the couch and collapsed.

Jake sat beside her and softly held her chin. He raised her gaze to meet his.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm so sorry. I fucked up again."

"Why? What happened?"

Katrina looked at him with a look of intense adoration. She had bottled this up for too long and she was finally going to say it. While she was in the hospital, her subconscious finally got through to her. She knew what she had to say.

"Jake. Please hear me out. Listen to everything I have to say, then you can talk."

He nodded and scooted back on the couch. She took a deep breath and started.

"Jake, I have feelings for you. Feelings I thought I could control, but I can't. They are too intense to be leashed. When I close my eyes, I see you. When I open my eyes, I want to see you. I want to touch you, hold you and love you like none other."

He listened on with rapt attention.

"I am flawed. I am broken. I am damaged goods. I am fifty shades of fucked up. But despite all that you care for me. You are my hero. There never was another and there never will be another."

She choked back on a few tears before continuing.

"I can't put you through this anymore, Jake. You deserve better than a friend who runs your life with her crazy whims and crazier lifestyle. When was the last time you had a good night's sleep? When was the last time you saw my name on your caller screen without being worried? When was the last time you put yourself first?"

The tears were becoming harder to hold back. A couple of drops made their way past her defence.

"I'm so sorry for what I've put you through, Jake. I am the most selfish person on Earth and yet you cling on to me, enabling my reckless ways, because you were afraid to be alone again."

Jake did not say anything. She knew him as well as he knew her.

"But you see Jake," she said, putting her palm on his cheek. "You don't have to be alone any more. Emma is here for you now."

"What are you saying?" he said, afraid of the next line.

"I am saying," she said, tearing up some more. "I need to move out of here and find my own place. For your sake and for mine."

"I will get you help for the drugs," started Jake. "You will be clean..."

Kat cut him off with a wave of her hand. Holding his face with both palms, she said in a voice so soft that Jake could not believe she had said those words at first.

"Meth is not my drug, Jake. You are."

He shook his head, trying to process her words.

"You are my drug. You save me from whatever trouble I get into. I am addicted to you and your caring. I need to break that. I need to take control of my life and the only way to do that is if I don't have you as a safety net under me."

Her eyes shimmered with the welling up of tears. Those beautiful brown irises looked at him tenderly.

"Don't save me, Jake. Save yourself."

He tried to say something again, but she placed a palm over his lips.

"Don't try to talk me out of it, please. I need to do this. I love you too much to keep putting you through this routine. Tell Emma to move in."

Jake did not say anything else. Her words refused to make sense.

"Hold me, please," whimpered Kat. "I want to feel safe in your arms one more time."

They held each other and she cried softly into his shoulder. In that moment, Katrina loved Jake more than she had ever loved anybody.

* *

Katrina sighed as she walked on the pavement in Bedford. It was the third apartment from the listings of the day and her most promising bet for a new place. Sadly, it did not have enough space for her art.

She waited at the bus stop. A few houses away was a lodge. An affordable place for travellers to rest for a short while. There were other uses of such places as well. They were frequently the venues of extramarital indiscretion or simply a place to take a hooker.

The setting sun cast a hue across the buildings. She idly watched discreet lovers go in and come out of the doors. She had often been on the inside of these rooms, for the exact same purpose.

Her eyes caught a distinguished looking man in his early forties come out. He wore a pinstriped grey suit and tie. He beckoned to someone inside the building.

Katrina smiled. One of those "secretary" cases, she imagined.

Her smile faded when she saw Emma come out of those doors. They exchanged a passionate kiss on the kerb and quickly parted ways, hurrying off in opposite directions.