by Reinadeloslobos
it's too hard to follow otherwise and sounds odd. Speech marks and new lines for different people would make sections like the phone conversation far more understandable
Your first chapter was a great start, but in this chapter, your grammar and punctuation was really off.
You need more line breaks and to be a lot more careful with your punctuation, I recommend getting an editor to help.
Your story could really be great if you work on the aforementioned issues. Good luck!