Long Distance is a Bitch Ch. 02

"You're so petty and insecure, Parag!"

"I'm petty? You're the one who cares less about the fact that I could've been killed and more about how you're not the star tonight."

"Of course I care about what you went through! Of course I am thankful you survived! How can you even say that?" I said, almost shrieking. And then tears filled my eyes. I turned away from him, covered my face, and started crying.

"That's your ultimate trump card in an argument." Parag said, contempt dripping from his voice. "The waterworks!"

I felt a surge of rage through my entire being. I sat up, wiped my tears off, and said,

"All this is because I asked you to wait till tomorrow morning to have sex? Here..."

I took my shorts and panties off in one swoop.

"...here, fuck me. Go on!" I said, opening my legs and gyrating my hips.

Parag stared at me, half angry and half turned on.

"Not enough? Here, I'll get completely naked!" I took off my t-shirt and bra. And then fully naked, got on my hands and knees, and thrust my ass towards Parag. "Go on, that's all you care about, isn't it? Mounting me like some wild cheap whore? Go on, do it!"

Parag just sat there.

"What're you waiting for, stud? Take me!" I said in a mock seductive voice. When he didn't respond, I turned to face him. "Maybe you want this whore to give you a blowjob first!"

I reached for his crotch to take his dick out, but he slapped my hand away. I tried it again, and he pushed me away, making me fall on the bed. He then got up, picked up a pillow and walked to the bedroom door. He opened it, turned around, and said,

"Sometimes, Anar, you can be a real cold-hearted bitch."

He stepped out and slammed the door behind him. I sat there naked, breathing heavily in rage, staring at the closed door. After what seemed like an eternity, my rage was replaced by cold anger. I put my clothes back on, and opened the door. Parag was sleeping on the couch, He saw me, and turned on his side to face away from me.

I went back to my bed and laid down. I willed myself not to cry, and closed my eyes. My head was an almighty volcano of negative emotions ranging from guilt to contempt to rage to self-pity. It took half an hour for the Tylenol's effect to resume. And I fell finally fell asleep.

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I woke up at 8:30, feeling drowsy like I always did after taking Tylenol. I noticed the other side of the bed was empty. So Parag had spent the night on the couch. I walked out of the bedroom, and saw Parag sitting on the couch with a cup of chai in his hand, talking to my two annoying roommates again.

"Good morning." Parag said politely. The roommates followed suit.

"Good morning." I said, yawning.

"There's a cup for you in the kitchen." he said.

"Thanks."

I walked to the kitchen, got my cup of chai and walked back to the living room. I saw on an easychair and listened to the conversation. They were talking about academic stuff, like advisors, assignments, internship search, and so on. I joined in, and we talked about mundane stuff for about half an hour.

"I should shower and get going." Parag said, getting up. "My return flight is at noon."

"Noon? I thought it was at 7:30 in the evening!" I said, remembering what he'd told me the previous day.

"It was. I changed it to noon." Parag said, and stared at the floor. I stayed silent.

My roommates, as dense as they are, realized they were witness to the aftermath of a disagreement, and both politely made excuses and left us alone. Parag got up and went to the bedroom. I followed him in.

"Why did you change the flight?" I asked him.

He said nothing.

"I asked you something."

Silence.

"Parag, talk to me, goddamit!"

"What do you want me to say? You've treated me really horribly."

"So you're just throwing a tantrum and leaving? To make me feel guilty?"

Parag shook his head and said,

"It's all about you. Everything in the world has to revolve around you!"

I watched him in silence as he gathered his clothes for the shower.

"Parag, please, let's not fight. Just tell me what I have to do to change the flight back to evening. I am sorry if I was a bitch. I really am."

"I have been with you long enough to know which of your apologies are genuine. This one isn't." Parag said, and walked out of the bedroom.

This was classic Parag. He always found a way to guilt trip me and make me feel like shit. Once he got upset about something, he could hold on to the grudge for days, even weeks.

He returned fifteen minutes later, got dressed, and started packing his suitcase. In the meanwhile, I had gotten angrier at him, so my initial willingness to be the first to try and make up had subsided. I sat there, playing a battle of wills, and watched him pack. Once he got done, I started changing into jeans.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Changing." I replied.

"Why?"

"To drop you off at the airport!"

"Hmpf!" he said derisively. "I'd rather you didn't. I've already called a cab."

"Okay fine." I said, sick of his stubbornness. "Then I am changing and going out." I wore a sweatshirt to go with the jeans.

Parag picked up his suitcase, looked at me for a second.

"You know what.... I wish you'd change. But change more than just your clothes. I wish you'd change what you are."

I looked at him in stunned silence. Parag could say some really hurtful things when he got angry. But this really took the cake. Did he even realize the import of what he was saying? Tears rushed to my eyes. Parag seemed slightly taken aback. But he was too stubborn to take it back.

"Bye Anar." he said. "I'll text you when I land. That is, if you care about that sort of a thing."

And he walked out. I followed him to the front door. One of my roommates was in the kitchen.

"Bye Parag." she said. Then she noticed the tears in my eyes and looked away. I hated myself for letting her see me with tears in my eyes. My ego kicked in and I immediately wiped them off and composed myself.

Parag left the apartment and walked down the stairs. His taxi was waiting on the street. I was still following him. So he stopped.

"I told you I don't want you to come to the airport."

"I know. Would you do me a favor and drop me off downtown? It's on the way to the turnpike anyway." "Okay."

We got in the cab. I told the cabbie the intersection I wanted to be dropped of at, and then to go to Newark airport. Ten minutes later, the cab was at a traffic light, a few blocks from where I would be getting off. We had both been staring out of the our respective windows in silence. I finally looked at him and asked the question which had been on my mind.

"So is this your way of breaking up with me?" I asked. He looked at me.

"Is that what you want?" he asked.

"Is that what you're doing?" I asked.

He looked out of the window again. I repeated the question.

"No." he said, still looking away, and then after a pause added, "Not yet."

The cab stopped at my intersection. I got out of the cab. And it drove away.

I needed something to distract me, something to immerse myself in. I knew of a multiplex on that block. I walked in, bought a ticket to a random movie, and watched it. It was some sort of a buddy comedy movie. Very stupid, but it did the job. It made me smile a few times. Once it ended, I went and watched a movie playing on another screen. Then another. It was 8 PM by the time the projector light started making my head hurt, and I walked out of the multiplex.

I checked my phone which had been on silent all that while. 1 text message and 2 missed calls. The text was from Parag.

"Reached Charlotte."

That's it. I replied, "Okay".

The two missed calls were from Dustin. I sighed. I wondered if his girlfriend was still obsessed with meeting me. I really did not need that right now. I called a cab and went home. The roommates fortunately kept their queries and thoughts to themselves. I made myself a sandwich, ate it, then took two big swigs of Tylenol. And slept.

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The next few days were absolute hell. There was a lot of studying to do, and assignments to finish. And there was the drama to deal with. Parag didn't call me on Monday, nor Tuesday, nor Wednesday. I was too angry with him to make the first move. He had asked me to change who I was. And when asked if he was breaking up with me, had said, "not yet". Fuck him!

I was also doing my best to avoid Dustin. I didn't answer his calls. When I ran into him in the department, I walked the other way. When I went out to smoke, I made sure he wasn't around. He kept sending me text messages, all of which were variations on, "Please let's just talk" and "I miss our friendship."

Wednesday evening, around 8, I had fired off some printouts of a few papers, and was on my way to the copy room to pick them up. The corridor was almost empty. Just as I passed by a door, it opened. I saw Dustin. He stepped out, caught hold of my arm, and pulled me in.

"Dustin! Let me go!" I said, not quite shrieking, but in a loud voice. He slammed the door shut behind me and dead-bolted it. I noticed that we were in a janitor's closet.

"For Christ's sake, just talk to me Anar!" Justin said and let go of my arm.

"I am not a Christian." I couldn't help blurt out my standard jocular response to whenever someone invoked Christ when talking to me.

Justin smirked. I couldn't help but smile either. It broke the tension.

"Why are you giving me the silent treatment?" he asked me.

"Dustin.... it's not really that."

"Do you believe I forced you in some way? Drugged you with the weed?"

"No, don't be ridiculous!"

"Do you think I somehow took advantage of your emotional vulnerability?"

I thought about the question.

"Did you?" I asked him. He seemed taken aback. He thought for a couple of seconds and responded,

"Not by design anyway. Whatever happened....I just caught up in the moment. I mean.... don't get me wrong. You are an absolutely amazing woman. I find you attractive in every way. If you weren't dating someone, I'd totally be hitting on you. But I think of you as a friend. A great friend."

"I think of you as a great friend too, Dustin. And I got caught up in the moment too." I admitted.

"So why have you been avoiding me? Not returning my calls?"

"It has nothing to do.....well it has only a little to do with what happened that night. I've been preoccupied with issues related to Parag."

"What kind of issues? Talk to me. It'll help you feel better if you vent."

"The last time I vented......" I said and smiled. He smiled back sheepishly.

"It was just in the heat of the moment. We're both adults. You can talk to me. Don't you think I am your friend?"

"Of course I do."

"Then let's talk."

I looked around.

"Here?"

"No, of course not here!" he said and opened the door. I stepped out. A couple of grad students walking by looked at us and smiled. I looked away from them. Thank heavens they weren't Indian, or this would be the talk of diaspora!

"I need to pick up some printouts. And finish a paper. When does your shift end?"

"Nine."

"I will be done by 9:30. I'll meet you in the lobby. This time, let's actually go to the bar you were going to take me to last time and talk. I could use a drink or five."

Two hours later, we were sitting in the bar on Cedar. It really was nice and quiet, with reasonably priced drinks. Dustin was having whiskey and coke. I was having a cosmo. And I was telling him the entire saga about Parag. Dustin listened quietly, like he always did, offering the appropriate inputs and sympathies along the way. By the time I was done narrating the story, we were both on out third drinks.

"And that's the whole fucking mess." I concluded.

"That is very messed up." Dustin nodded. "So what next? Do you think he's going to break up with you? Is that what he meant by 'not 'yet'?"

"I don't know. I think he might be."

"What do you want?"

"What do I want? Some peace of mind would be good."

"Yes, but do you want this relationship to continue? Do you love him?"

I thought about the question for almost a minute, finishing my third cosmo for the night.

"I am not so sure. I do love him. And I have always thought of him as the guy I want to spend my life with. But I am not as sure as I was back in India. This long distance relationship has shown me a whole new side of him. A petty side. An insecure side."

"He does seem to have some sort of an inferiority complex, based on what you tell me."

"I know!"

"Is he right? Have you always been the 'star' in the relationship?"

"Well...I suppose so. But it's because I am more outgoing than him. Not that he's a wallflower. But yes, in public, I do get a lot more attention than him."

"And you are at a better school than him, with better grades...."

"Yes."

"You might end up getting a better job than him. Possibly a better paying one."

"It's possible."

"Are you okay with being with a guy who earns less than you?"

"Of course I am!"

"Do you see him okay being with a woman who is better than him in every respect? Do you think his ego can handle it?"

I stared at Dustin. He had articulated the crucial question perfectly. Was Parag up to it? Is that what he was coming to terms with in this mini-break he had enforced on our relationship?

"I am not sure. I used to think so. Now I don't know."

"The next time you visit him or he visits you, maybe you guys should have this talk."

I nodded. We sat in silence for a while as the waiter got us another round of drinks.

"Anar." Dustin finally said. "Do you think he knows.... about us?"

"You mean us being friends? Yeah, of course."

"No, I mean about that night. Does he have a clue?"

"I don't think so. How could he?"

"You said that when you woke up on Sunday, he was talking to your roommates and had already changed the ticket. Maybe they told him."

"Yeah, but they don't know."

"They must know that you didn't come home that night. Maybe they told him and he put two and two together."

"Hmmm...." I thought about it. "Nope, that's not the sort of thing Parag would sit on. Not a hothead like him. If he had even an inkling, he'd have blasted me about it by now."

"I see."

We drank in silence for a while more. That's when I thought of something.

"Dustin! I have been so absorbed in my problems, I totally forgot to ask you about yours. Why the hell did Vicky want to meet me?"

"I really have no idea!" Dustin shrugged.

"Does she know? Did you tell her?"

"No, I told you I did not tell her. But she seems to suspect something. And it's more than her usual jealousy with other girls."

"How did your weekend go?"

"It was mostly nice. We did have a fight about this janitor-band thing again."

"She's not letting it go, huh?"

"Nope. You know this weekend I realized......." Dustin said, took a sip of his drink and stopped.

"Realized what?"

"Nothing. Forget I said anything."

"Come on Dustin! I just told you everything about my weekend."

"Yeah. You're right." he took another sip and said, "this weekend I realized that I don't think the Vicky thing is gonna last very long."

"What? Why?"

"She is too pushy. Too jealous and possessive. Wants to..... wants to change me. I don't want to be changed."

"Parag wants me to change too."

"Yeah, you told me."

"Look at us! In relationships with people don't like us for who we are, but what they want us to become!" I said, and finished the drink.

Dustin looked at me in a funny way, then looked into his glass. The waiter came to ask if we wanted more drinks. Both of us said no. Dustin insisted on paying for the drinks and then we left the bar. As I walked, I felt a little woozy. Not drunk, but nicely buzzed. Dustin seemed fine. But just to be sure, I asked him,

"Are you sure you're okay to drive?"

"Yes, I am. Want me to say the alphabet backwards?"

"No, that's fine." I said and got in the car. He sat in the driver's seat. And started driving the car.

When he dropped me off at my apartment, he gave me a peck on my cheek, which I returned.

"We'll be okay." I said, patting his hand.

"Yes, we will." he said with a wistful smile and drove away.