All Comments on 'Long Road Ch. 04'

this story sucks i couldnt make hide or hair of it

The story seemed aimless. It ended not accomplishing much. What happened to the girl that cheated on him? Who was it that she cheated on him with? Why is he angry with his brother? When did he meet the new girl in his life?

rather too ambitious for a first story. The flashbacks and time shifts rather then being interesting and engaging are actually quite intrusive to the reader and inject a unnecessary amount of difficulty into what already is a rather complex and difficult to convey narrative with equally complex characters. It should not be hard work for the reader to figure out what the fuck is going on and when but your approach has made it so. The fact you have to explain yourself in your preamble is evidence in itself that your approach hasn't quite worked.

What you should of done is pretty simple. Started at the beginning and worked through the narrative in a linear fashion right to the end using chapter sizes that allow the reader to be invested (so far the whole story could easily have been posted in one chapter). Sure its conventional and boring but it does work and as this is your first story you should not have tried this overly complex method. One of the most under appreciated rules of fiction is that complex writing is best left to simple storylines and complex storylines read better with simpler writing.

Now I will say that there is some reasonably good writing talent contained within this story and it's nice to see a fresh new writing such as yourself. But the reader shouldn't be forced to wade through you trying to be clever in order to extract it.

...I think you'll have a better time with your readership.

I didn't find it particularly difficult, but admit to having to back up a paragraph or two on a few occasions to regain my bearings and my footing.

I am enjoying the story, especially because it goes into more than the usual depth in developing the character's personae and in illustrating their day to day lives and interactions. I also have a sneaking suspicion that certain thing mentioned casually in these passages will prove to be important later.

Looking forward to the next installment.

And thank you. This is an especially tough environment....

You should stick with "see spot run"

We not have a clue.

There have been a whole raft of good stories lately that haven't featured a single husband eating a cream pie from a big black bull, not a single husband forced to watch as his wife humiliates him, where cheating and lying isn't rewarded and the good guys isn't buried. Foreskinsucker, bony/vatly, dicksuckejoe et. al are foaming at the mouth so much they recruited luedon to defend the cause of cuckdom. She rehashed all the old bullshit and it got a two. Way to go, authors. This isn't one one of the good ones, just so badly written as to be incomprehensible. So, kudos. Let the cucks wail and gnash their teeth. LW is getting better.

Good story, mind you, the readers do have to work at keeping the different time lines separate but it's worth it to have a story that makes that extra effort worthwhile.

Please don't let the comments by lazy readers cause you to hurry things along to the detriment of the story! Anything this good is worth the extra time spent keeping it all in the right place. I can see where you juxtapose things to show how his past affected him at various times in his life. Like all of us who he is, is predicated by his life experiences. I can't wait to read the next installment!

The transitions are weak. You might have the entire story in your mind but as you're moving from place to place it isn't working out for the reader. I was about to read (?) ch 5 and I still can't quite comprehend what this is about.

It also doesn't help getting little more than a page at a time. I'm going to give it up.

If it helps you please remember you're competing with many, many stories every day and for a lot of us regular readers it's tough to remember all the people, places and events that make these stories up. I figure on average I read maybe 200+ stories a month here and with a irregular 1 page offering like yours, it just doesn't stick. Especially when it's bouncing around like a jack rabbit with a firecracker up it's ass!

I find a pleasure putting the pieces together and imagining the connections.

His relationship with women leaves me wondering though how anyone could be so insensitive to pain.

Don't take any shit from these porn critics. This is very good writing from your heart and soul. I don't know where it's leading but I am, for one, enjoying the journey. I hate detailed descriptions of sex play. Yours are as detailed as they need to be.

wtf is going on? why did DS harris pull out D and elvis? and why the hell is this in LW? god u need an editor badly

The goodbye part worked well...it was really sad. But it was sort of annoying to read about the Army experience after things got I interesting with Angie last submission. But I suppose that's how it has to play.

Why did Harper get a discharge to look after her brother if he was in the forces.?

But where are we.going? Where does.the road finally end.

I had to go back and look, but if you do, read it like did the first time and realize it was a typo. I believe instead of "brother" he meant to type "mother". One hell of a way to leave to go jump out of perfectly good aircraft. Signed: BTW

This story seems like someone ran a merge program on several different word docs. Get an editor for fucks sake.