All Comments on 'Long Road Ch. 05'

Fucking stupid ending. He should have left the parents house and not went back until his cunt of a mother stayed out of it. The mom's a whore who probably cheated on his dad.

This ending didn't fit the story at all. Forced reconciliation. You're right though, should have seen it coming even though you didn't get there logically. Pretty weak. What happened to Angie?

Totally confusing story with no end or start. Only a succession of trivialities.

I'm sorry but despite your apologetic (and somewhat rambling and confusing in itself) preface.

I still do not quite have much of a understanding (if any at all) about just what the fuck you are trying to convey or write about.

You mention your "other" stories .... they don't exist on Literotica.

You mention writing it this way for a reason ....but reasoning appears absent from your actual story.

You mention a series but this hardly qualifies as its barely over 10 pages.

I really think you need to revisit your whole approach here. Haven't got the time to sit down and get it all out ? Fine ...wait until you do and do it right.

As I've said your writing holds promise but the application in this case is simply a bit of a mess.

I saw little point to it.

Meandering. Was there any point to this story?

Good effort and content.

VOTE 1* FOR EVERY STORY RATED BY THAT TRANNY BITCH FOOL VASTIESMITH2 AKA BONNIETAYLOR2 AKA ANON!

has struck again as anonymous. We all know you're the asshole of Lit. Go peddle your wares somewhere else. Nobody gives a shit what you say, everybody is laughing at you, but you're to dense to know it.

In honor of bony/vasty.

the asshole of LIT!

Asshole of LIT is what we all refer to you as. You're such a fag you can't even think of something original!! 5 for a good story

The characters are chain-smoking trailer trash.

gave this a 5

Good story, realistic, but the writing was clunky at times.

4/5

I hope its when he catches Ann fucking his father.

I hope she is on the pill .

You do need to tie some plot threads together.

You tried to go from the present to the future. But you haven't tied it all together. You go back and forth from present to the past and you add pieces of the puzzle. But they aren't connected pieces. So it makes it hard to follow the story.

You REALLY need it. This has gotten redundant and boring. It's completely lost it's edge. Bad.

1 star.

....a view into one man's situation and how he deals with it.

I think upon discovering the machinations mommy dearest put onto play, I would have found somewhere else to spend my leave. But we are not always the captain of the ship we call "Life". Sometimes we're just hands and must do what were there to do. She will, no doubt, fall pregnant. This is it's own kind of tragedy, as they are not really together, and I'm sure he will not want to be married to her.......and, I sense the inevitable second betrayal will happen sometime around the mid-point of the next series to follow.

It's been enjoyable. It might even to put two or three more editorial reviews in your schedule. That will tax, tease and test you patience, but will likely result in a more polished outcome.

Thank you.

Lots of work.

Start with a proof reader/editor then a clean sheet of paper and take another cut at it. Somewhat interesting theme but .... it's just not a very good story in the present form.

Huge room for improvement. Very hard to have any empathy with the main character who swears every other word, smokes incessantly and fucks around. Why would she even want to be with him. He holds a high moral stance over what she has done but has no morality himself. Just a conceited hypocrite. He doesn't even respect his own mother.

I basically just scanned through to see if it was worth reading. There is no real emotion, no empathy with the characters. At least she shows some concerns with her actions; he is just an absolute dickhead. Unless it improves in style and content you have lost me.

Will give it one more chapter before marking it.

still letting his mum run his life

Especially after reading the new story.

This is in Loving Wives because...?

english not being your first language this was not badly written, slighty confusing occasionally.I can see where your mind is, but the way it was written left me a bit flat.

strange one for me it needs closure methinks. I dont hear any fat lady singing ***

So, in a rare real life flashback, you nailed the jumpschool stuff, aside from the plane in use. Not sure about these days, but a decade ago they STILL used the c-130 as the jump week craft. Doesn't really matter, the rest of jump school will likely never change lol. Well done and can't wait to read the rest of this story! 5*

I've not commented till the end of "Long Road"' because I wanted to see how you brought it together. I must say I'm enjoying the ride. There's a lot for the reader to juggle, but that's what makes it interesting and engaging. Reality, as it is perceived within our own minds, is non-linear, and I think you have reflected that in your style. I look forward to " Highsider" and "Traject". By the way, as they are part of the whole, I went back and scored all chapters 5 stars. Very ambitious. Bravo! Thank you for sharing.

I am enjoying your continuing story a great deal - keep them coming!

I finished all 5 chapters of this story. Or is this just a segment of a bigger story? I honestly haven't figured that out yet. Another commenter said it is a lot to follow. I agree, but for me, with all the time-line jumps, back and forth, over and over, and the fact that there is evidently no kind of ending in sight, I just don't get the point. To me this seems like the disorganized rambling of just "some guy" who believes his day-to-

day activities would be inordinately interesting to others. I disagree.

I'm am trying hard to figure this out but I am just confused.

He was talking to Angela about how he got back together with Ann?

How did he meet Angela? Sounds like she may have been military? They now work at the same place which may or may not be a hospital?

So many other questions. Very confused.

First the disjointed story telling, even with the author's preface, made the story difficult for me to follow and understand. I am not at all opposed to flashback sequences but this was poorly done.

Second even with unclassified information that is available to everyone the author could easily have found out that for Presley to have gone to Special Forces Aptitude and Selection Course he would have had to either been in the Army for four years and been 22 or he would have had to signed up for the 18X program which would have required him to have gone to One-Station Unit Training at Ft. Benning, GA as an 11B and then attended Airborne School before proceeding to the Special Operations Prepatory Course at Ft. Bragg, NC before he even gets to SFAS which, in short, precludes the main character from knowing him.

Third for some time now the Army has gone to platoon sergeants and not drill sergeants at Advanced Individual Training. This, again, is something that is unclassified and easily found out.

Fourth the actions between the drill sergeant and his trainee is ridiculous. He would have faced severe, career ending reprimands for allowing his underage trainee to continue drinking.

Fifth sex between trainees, which does happens, is never so open and obvious.

I understand that this is a work of fiction but with just a little bit of effort the author could have made this much better. Still, the author should be commended for taking the time to write and sharing his story. For that I am grateful. Hopefully in the future you will take the necessary time to research your subject. Furthermore, I hope that with more experience you'll grow as a writer. Best of luck!

reading the showing comments looks like they said it all but one thing WHY WAS THIS IN LW the only wives in the series didnt seem very loving. im starting to think that english isnt ur first language. and im call bs on this star rating system no way this series gets over 4.00 i would say get an editor but when ever i read a story on this site that mentions thanking an edtor the story looks like it wasnt edited at all starting to think these so called editor are just as bad as the original writer. and as u can see mine is bad too so if im complaing about it u gotta know how bad urs is

I guess the response wasn't sufficient for completing the story. There was failure.

I'm not sure how this story ended. This section is for simple people so this is not expected.

So...there was the first Ann thread, followed by the interleaving of army and most recent past/Angie, then followed by the second Ann thread which happened before the Angie part? Regardless of the order, it is either unfinished or asks too much to be imagined.

Did, or did they not work it out?

Good but chaotic. Glad I knew this continues in the Highsider else I would have scored it lower.

Good potential.

Good story telling, especially the Ft. Banning jump school part. Isn't Columbus pleasant in July? Nothing like hot red dust on sweaty skin. I will try to follow your other series to continue the story.

The jumping back and forth in time is OK SOMEtimes! It is less good ALL-the-time! It really SUCKS when there are numerous time chunks. It becomes a real challenge when those time chunks often have few clear cues about when they are! Even if aka-Mike were to include dates before the first paragraph, it would be a pain in We-The-Readers’ asses! Perhaps if he were to provide (in the preface to EACH chapter) a temporal map, like A) Ancestors of the Family Business; B) Youth of Our Hero; C) Our Hero in College; D) Our Hero In Military Medic Training; E) Our Hero in Jump Training; F) Our Hero in War; G) Our Hero Comes Home. Then use those lettered titles (rather than calendar dates) before each time-chunk change!

Then there is the fact that Ann is probably also Angie ... BUT I may have missed any time that someone calls her Angie and shortly after (in the same scene) Our Hero calls her by his pet name of Ann, allowing WTR to connect the two!

What I could have given a high 4 or 5 gets a final of 3* and just barely that1

Why I. He'll would be put up with her betrayal and his mother's betrayal, too? If be had any self respect, he would have left home as soon as he was told that she was there! Where was the revenge or retribution in this?

A week man with a slut of a girlfriend and a bitch of a mother. Plain pathetic !

fuck you and your story what a waste of my time cuckold

If Ann isn't Angie then likely Ann screws up at some point.

The fact he's not "forgiven" Angel means it's possible that Angel fucks Ann some time between when Daemon fucks the hell out of Ann and his returning to visit Angie...

Sure would be nice to know...

Okay, our writer jumped around. Ann was not Angie, and yes, I agree Angie should be the winner, not Ann. And not because she fucked a guy, but because she did it for revenge, and revenge because of a kiss? I can see Harper and Leyva being good friends that got Daemon out of his funk after Ann, but dumping Angie for Ann; no way. This is a good story line, but the story should be rewritten, maybe with help, and maybe a different ending. Keep writing.

XYZ

She wasn't..he's screwed

Would limited time with the mom and let it be known.