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Why the emotions were unexpected, I am not sure. Had I allowed myself to think about it - to explore why it was that I found myself lost in her voice when she lectured; why her gaze frightened and intrigued me so much; why I had been so distraught when I did not get the chance to be with her after the public talk - I surely would have realised how I felt. Yet, I think it was only when I held her as her body came down from her orgasm that I recognised that it had not been just desire or some kind of sexual exploration that I had sought.
I felt her fingers brush through my hair and I looked up at her. She was looking at me, her brown eyes deep and dark, and her cheeks still flushed from her climax. As I looked up at her face it dawned on me that I had never come across beauty quite like hers before. The way she held herself, the shifts in her expressions, and the dynamics of her body signalled a kind of circumspection; a strange awareness. Suddenly, I was frightened; of her beauty, of my emotions - I am not sure. Probably both. Whatever it was I could not, or did not dare, to feel it.
Like the biggest coward in the world, which I knew myself to be at that moment, I let go of her, stood up and turned around to run away like a frightened little sheep. Regardless of how much I would have wanted to run, however, I could not move. She did not let me. As I turned, she grabbed my arm tightly, turned me back around to face her, and would not let go.
"Sammy, wait. Don't panic, it's ok."
She tried to find my eyes but I could not look at her. I just needed to get away, to get some place, some time, to think.
"I'm sorry Elena, I just, I need to go... I have to go."
"Ok, I will let you go because I can see that you need to, but only if you can promise me that after you've had some time to think, you will talk to me. I can tell that you're confused and it's ok, so am I. But I can't just let you run away from me like this, not like I did to you, and not before you have promised me that when you're ready, we'll talk about this."
I felt her grip on my arm loosen slightly as she talked, and I met her eyes. The eyes that frightened me at the same time as I wanted them never let go of me.
"Yeah, ok," I said. "I promise."
